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Sorry for being repetitive...


Guest heartplace

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Guest heartplace

But I really think I'm very likely suicidal. I'm recognizing some signs of being suicidal in myself occasionally, but at the same time I don't want to die OR commit suicide.

I know that most people who attempt suicide don't actually want to die, and for the most part I don't. But I have such strong, overwhelming feelings of hopelessness and they seem to cause me to feel a bit suicidal. I'm at a breaking point right now. I was even talking to my sister about how I might be at risk for suicide (i didn't have intentions of asking for reassurance at all, that didn't even come to my mind) and she thinks it's possible too, so maybe I show more warning signs than I think I do.

Really, for the most part any thoughts I have related to me and death don't feel intrusive. They don't bother me all that much. I'd rather think of killing myself than have intrusive thoughts of even HURTING someone else.

I was looking up online the warning signs of being suicidal (no not compulsively, I was desperately curious in a non-OCD kind of way really! My curiosity was torturing me.) I don't show all of what is mentioned but I can relate to some, mainly the hopelessness. Nothing is going to get better, my family would be better off without me, I don't deserve better, my life will always be this way, I wish I could just die, no one understands me, I'm all alone in this, etc.

Depersonalization seems to be triggering my feelings of hopelessness. That's the worst part of my depression right now, the hopelessness. Also the fact that I feel isolated and like almost everyone in my family is trivializing my problems and not understanding them.

I'll be calling for an appointment with a therapist in the morning. I hope I can get this straightened out while I still feel like I have control over this.

Edited by heartplace
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Hi Heartplace, I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this right now. I am glad to hear that you are going to call your therapist in the morning, it's important you see someone as soon as possible so you can get the help you need and deserve!

Since I see you are in the US I'm posting a link here for the National Suicide Prevention Hotline: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

You can contact them online to chat, or via phone (1-800-273-8255) any time, day or night. Hopefully you won't need it but just in case! Take care of yourself!

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Guest heartplace

Thanks dksea :) Well I tried calling to set up an appointment (first time), but this office seems to be difficult to access. My call wasn't answered and apparently getting appointments on Mondays are on a first come, first serve basis. So I think I'll be getting a therapist somewhere else. Someone I can actually TALK to, lol.

I already self-harm, but I don't cut or anything like that. I do think about doing it sometimes though.

Thanks for the link and number. I do get thoughts of suicide but they don't feel serious enough yet. Does suicidal ideation progress if not addressed early?

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Guest heartplace

Can anyone else help? I knwo I've been told on here that I'm not truly suicidal, and I don't mean to ask for reassurance, I just would like to know. I kind of think my feelings are invalid about this right now, and that's not a good feeling to have. :/ I'm just...here. I want to live but I also think about death and sometimes suicide. So far I haven't tried to act on it since noticing this pattern though.

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Thanks dksea :) Well I tried calling to set up an appointment (first time), but this office seems to be difficult to access. My call wasn't answered and apparently getting appointments on Mondays are on a first come, first serve basis. So I think I'll be getting a therapist somewhere else. Someone I can actually TALK to, lol.

I already self-harm, but I don't cut or anything like that. I do think about doing it sometimes though.

Thanks for the link and number. I do get thoughts of suicide but they don't feel serious enough yet. Does suicidal ideation progress if not addressed early?

I had that problem accessing my therapist's practice. I didn't get a call back, so e-mailed and just went into a loop of e-mails. I e-mailed back saying I wasn't impressed that a practice specialising in talking therapy didn't want to talk!!!

They were a little short staffed due to leave, but the director was monitoring the e-mail inbox and my comment touched a nerve and she rang me up! - I explained that just getting replies from an office e-mail address isn't something that will impress new business, and she agreed with me.

They are a very busy practice, but nevertheless I was squeezed in .

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Guest heartplace

I had that problem accessing my therapist's practice. I didn't get a call back, so e-mailed and just went into a loop of e-mails. I e-mailed back saying I wasn't impressed that a practice specialising in talking therapy didn't want to talk!!!

They were a little short staffed due to leave, but the director was monitoring the e-mail inbox and my comment touched a nerve and she rang me up! - I explained that just getting replies from an office e-mail address isn't something that will impress new business, and she agreed with me.

They are a very busy practice, but nevertheless I was squeezed in .

That's so irritating!!! I get the impression that they really just don't care.

I'm finding it very difficult to find decent therapy around here. Most of it seems to be psychotherapy or therapists who mostly work for things like...child psychology and domestic abuse victims, addicts, etc.

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That's so irritating!!! I get the impression that they really just don't care.

I'm finding it very difficult to find decent therapy around here. Most of it seems to be psychotherapy or therapists who mostly work for things like...child psychology and domestic abuse victims, addicts, etc.

Maybe try that OCD organisation we touched on a while back - they seemed to have a drop down to help find a therapist.

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Guest heartplace

Thanks for reminding me, I just tried looking...no results. :( I might have to enter another zip code nearby.

Edited by heartplace
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Ok . One thing I felt was helpful that our chief executive of OCD-UK Ashley Fulwell said was that the most important thing is to find the right therapist, that is more important than how close they are.

I have one in the City of London which is good for me. But if they hadn't responded I was quite prepared to travel down to South London.

I didn't fancy Skype, but you might be ok with that?

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Guest heartplace

I care about how good my therapist turns out to be too, but at the moment our income isn't as good as it used to be since having moved so I have to make due.

Hmm, I'm not sure...I get pretty anxious on Skype with people but I know that's avoidance when it comes to social phobia. I need someone who can accept my insurance.

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Guest heartplace

My insurance is state-based so it would have to be any reputable therapist in the state I live in, so I don't know...I guess it wouldn't hurt to ask anyway!

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Guest heartplace

Hmm...well I found one on goodtherapy.org, and she has "obsessions and compulsions" on her list of issues she deals with, but under the types of therapy she uses I don't see anything like CBT, ERP or ACT anywhere.

Oh wait a sec, it says she does "mindfulness based cognitive therapy" among others.

Edited by heartplace
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Guest heartplace

Well, I took a big leap and decided to tell my dad about how I think I might be suicidal. He took it really well! Right now I feel like only he and my sister can handle hearing me say it. I am wondering if he personally has ever felt suicidal, because he seems to be understanding without making any judgment. We are going to call a new number to a psychiatry office at the local university and see if I can get in there. I don't want this to get worse, because it still feels manageable.

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I'm very glad to hear you were able to confide in your father Heartplace and I hope you are able to have some success soon finding someone to talk with and help you get things back on track. You should be proud of yourself for taking these steps even through anxiety and doubt!

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Guest heartplace

Thanks :) Well, apparently...when I called for a therapist appointment today, the receptionist misunderstood me saying "thoughts of harming others" as risk of being homicidal. She asked me what OBSESSIONS I have so I felt free to explain that!

But not just that, the fact that I am suicidal and self-harm is enough for me to go and get evaluated today. Now I think my parents have been given the wrong idea about my harm thoughts. I told them they're intrusive, unwanted thoughts of harming others and that I would rather hurt myself than anyone else. *Sigh*

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Guest heartplace

Use him now as part of your support team - see if you can help him understand your problems.

There is useful stuff on the tabs at OCD-UK to help you with this.

I guess I'll try to.

I'm not looking forward to going to the mental hospital today :/ I'm worried they're going to decide to keep me there rather than just evaluate me and send me home. Maybe I should give them an article about harm OCD to read so they can see a difference between intrusive harm thoughts vs. homicidal ideation.

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Guest heartplace

Sorry I haven't replied. I just came back from spending 3 days in a crisis stabilization unit. It was so BORING there!!!

I'm pretty sure that I have been having suicidal thoughts now. I also am constantly wanting to self-harm. The thoughts of harming myself or dying don't upset me NEAR as much as any of my intrusive thoughts do.

So I got to talk to an awesome doctor while I was there. Our conversation went along the lines of...

Me: I haven't been diagnosed, but I think I might have OCD.

Doctor: You have OCD. (Now keep in mind, I had never even spoken with this doctor before!!! He must have read what I put down i.e. intrusive thoughts, depersonalization)

Me: *surprised* Oh, I do?

Doctor: Do you wash, check, count, *lists some others I couldn't understand because he speaks too fast lol*

Me: Yeah, handwashing, obsessive rumination...

Doctor: Yes that's OCD.

Me: Oh, okay!

So that was easy! Lol. I just hope I can keep the suicidal thoughts under control. Now I can apply for disability. :p I hope I don't have to go there ever again.

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