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Hello everyone

I stayed away for a little bit because of things going on in my life.

Good news is that I've got a new job and it's a really fun one. I've only been on just over a week but everyone's been really nice and friendly. It's been very hectic so I'm just taking it one step at a time.

The job has meant moving across the country to Wales, and while it's been fun, it's also been stressful what with working so many hours and not having enough time until now to look for somewhere to live. Now, regarding my mood, I am compulsively praying, a LOT. I do it every hour and it comes when I'm in the least triggered. It feels like my brain's cracked, somehow. :( I feel as though I'm on a constant loop. It's to do with my past, I guess; I just get these constant flashes of guilt, this thought that I've done something wrong and I can't push things back into place. I also can't deny I don't feel tremendously happy. I've been feeling lonely and the flathunting business has been getting to me very easily. I cried last night in bed and in the end wound up calling my brother, because I was in such a state. And today at work, I cried in the staff toilet, although I got myself back together before I had to go back on duty.

I feel bad that I can't feel happy. I know I should, but I'm just not. Glad to be working and glad to be kept busy. But also sad and lonely. There's been all the fears that I'll mess the job up and have to go home again.

I'm sorry to have posted so much over the last year, I know. It's all to do with stuff inside my head, with thoughts I've had that I then wonder if I said out loud without realising, because I know you can say stuff aloud without realising it and then I worry that God doesn't love me anymore and feel I have no right to pray. Everything should feel good, but instead I just feel lukewarm. And I can't talk to people ie. my family about it because I know they'd say 'What have you got to feel depressed about???' Even my brother who I used to confide in, I can't tell; he's been applying a bit of tough love to me and maybe I need that?

The truly sad part is not being able to write as much as I used to. I always used to love my own company because I had all manner of things to keep me entertained; I could write if I want, etc. But now I dread spending time on my own because it's just this big blank canvass. I'm trying to learn to switch the telly off and read instead; it might help me. But I feel the antidepressants (Prozac) are holding me back and so I want to come off them and am keeping count of when I do and don't take them. I wish I could take control, but I just feel so unhappy and guilty of all the time I've wasted. And then I think if I spent all that time feeling guilty, do I have the right to feel better now? It doesn't help that I'm scared to talk about my fears.

Thanks for reading.

Cub x

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