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Don't know how to help my daughter


Guest Bushbaby

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Guest Bushbaby

Hello

My 18 year old daughter has OCD, BDD and AS, but she is in a desperate state at the moment. She won't take her meds, the NHS refuses to see her because she won't engage with them, so she is left to sink. I have spoken to her GP but because she's 18 I can do nothing now to help her medically.

She actually plucked up the courage to go out last night with her friends (which happens rarely) and the preparations for the event were horrendous, with photos and checking. Today she is beyond hysterical due to photos that her friends have put on FB and Twitter. She looks gorgeous, but says she's fat and is self-harming to a huge degree to cope with her feelings. Her arms are seriously scarred. She thinks the pictures make her look fat and ugly. She can see spots that I can't see. She sees shadows under spots that I can't see.

I am lost about what to say to make her feel better, but also don't want to get caught up in the checking rituals. No matter what I say I'm wrong. She is becoming seriously angry, aggressive and violent in response to anything I say. What she called me last night is actually beyond shocking and also totally unfair, as I do my best for her. I want to help her, but feel helpless at the same time. Do I leave her to sink or swim now that she is 18? As I mum, I struggle with this!

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

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Hi Bushbaby,

I'm so sorry, that's a lot for you and your daughter to be coping with.....those teenage years are a difficult phase in life as it is, with all those insecurities around appearance, self esteem and peer pressure, w/o the added complication of BDD to navigate.....that isn't an excuse though for being violent and aggressive towards you or reason enough for not engaging with the therapy, I know it's out of frustration and complicated by the AS, but it's still not acceptable.

I have to hold my hands up here, I don't have any practical experience parenting a teenager, so take what I'm about to say with a pinch of salt.....but perhaps (this is something that's cropped up on the FFC forum recently) you may need to set out some sort of time frame in terms of engaging with the CBT, with a clear set of rules/goals for your daughter to comply with.

That's a doddle I know for me to suggest, it's probably hard enough laying down ground rules for a teenager w/o the challenges your daughter's facing, but if you can't do right from wrong, I'd go with what you know you need to do for her own best interests in the long run.

It's really positive she had the courage to go out, a lot of people with BDD wouldn't be able to manage that, but as with any exposure exercise it can have a nasty habit of making us feel worse immediately afterwards, maybe the FB and Twitter stuff was just too much for her this time - the key's trying to continue building on each exposure........much easier said than done.

I agree with you though, you shouldn't get caught into the checking rituals, that's not going help, but I would impress on her what a huge achievement it was to go out, how strong she is and how proud you are of her for doing that.......but at 18 she does need to begin gradually accepting that her health is her responsibility.

Hal :original:

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Hi Bushbaby,

Sorry to hear of your situation. Please remember anything your daughter says to you is under the influence of her OCD & the mood it's putting her under & not a true reflection of her feelings towards you.

You say that your daughter won't engage with the NHS? How come? Seeing a therapist would be a great help to dealing with her issue's. It'd be a shame for her not to take the opportunity to get help.

Would she be willing to join this forum? I'm sure it would be good for her to see other people with the same & similar problems.

I think all you can do whilst she won't seek help is to support her & encourage her to seek help, whether that's through the NHS, this forum/website or even a support group.

I wish you all the best,

Regards

Symps :original:

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Guest Bushbaby

Hi

Thank you Hal and Symps for your responses.

I completely agree with what has been suggested, but I can't get her to even accept that she has a problem. She is a member of the forum, but she won't even look at it, as the problem is mine and not hers. She is about a month without meds and the aggression and violence is beyond what I can cope with at the moment. She screams, swears and punches. The more she falls into OCD, the worse she gets. She will not visit the doctor, she won't accept any support from College and therapy is a no go area due to feeling that she has been let down badly by CAMHS in the past, so she can't trust anyone. I have tried to explain that not all therapists are as poor as her experience, but that has been her 15 years of experience, so it must be the way it is. Difficult for people with AS to think outside their own experience. I have found a wonderful therapist and tried to get my daughter to see her, which will cost me £50 a session, but she refuses. She doesn't have a problem.

I have spoken to her GP, but there is nothing I can do because she is over 18, even with the brutal self-harming she is doing.

I do try to be positive and understand it's her OCD talking, but it's a tough gig to live with at the moment. It is wrecking my family life and I just don't know where this is going to end. It does scare me.

Thanks for your suggestions. Much appreciated.

Julie

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