A little desperate for some help and guidance.

[BigDave]

Now I am really sorry about starting this message. I do realise that there are going to be some of you here that are like "OH GOD, what does he want now?" But I'm really in a bit of a mess. Things had been improving somewhat until recently but the death of my uncle has really thrown a spanner into the works. To the point where I now I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing.

I have taken a lot of what you guys have said in and I realise that the only way to beat these things is by exposure but you know I have no real idea of what is right and what is wrong. I'm so confused. All I really know is that I'm really not happy. And part of this is my depression talking and I don't know if there is a better place to go to talk about that - maybe there is another forum, but at least part of the reason I'm down is because I'm tired of the compulsions and the ruminating. I ruminate a lot. I can't seem to switch that off. And I have a lot of triggers. My brother being autistic and not having the same grasp of things like cleanliness is a major one. Plus I have my own health problems and this really provides me with issues of using the bathroom. Going to the toilet is a nightmare.

I just want a normal life. I'm single, have been forever. I love my family but I don't want to be a burden on them forever and I want to have a family and everything someday. But all I have is my mental health issues and that's it. I just dread every single day.

[Em24]

Hi Dave.

Sorry to hear about your uncle. No one will be thinking 'what does he want now?' You are welcome to post on the forum just as much as anyone else!

When it comes to OCD recovery, they do suggest getting depression sorted 1st, as it makes starting CBT and ERP a bit easier to handle.

Are u getting amy help for your depression? X

[BigDave]

I am but my therapist believes that the OCD needs to be tackled before the depression. In already on drugs to help though. I'm just finding everything so hard. Every spit, every drop from my nose, every cough, everything. I'm at a point where I feel like nothing is working and I'm confused.

[Guest Adele]

Hi BigDave,

You seem like a nice guy and I think you're probably stronger than you give yourself credit for. So here is my advice. Firstly, try and be compassionate to yourself and take steps to improve your physical health. Make sure you are getting enough sleep and that you are eating a well balanced and nutritious diet. I find exercise really helps me feel good because I listen to music while I go for a walk or run. Spend some time doing things that interest you or you enjoy to lift your spirit and keep your mind happy. Then tackle your OCD. It takes a lot of conscious effort but it is well worth it.

We get anxious when we judge our OCD thoughts to be negative. In my experience, a positive attitude goes a long way to help us engage in CBT. Being a bit dirty isn't such a bad thing, and I find this attitude really helps lower my anxiety. The anticipation of exposure is worse than the reality. We have good intentions to keep ourselves clean but we'll be much happier accepting some dirt and germs etc (like 'pigs in mud' for instance). Try and view each exposure as an opportunity to challenge your beliefs and resist performing compulsions, as your therapist suggests. When you are ruminating, try and think of the positive intentions behind your thoughts and see if this lowers your anxiety to help you let the thoughts pass.

Edited February 8, 2016 by Adele

[PolarBear]

Dave, you've only just begun your on the road to recovery. You haven't been at it long so you shouldn't be feeling down because things aren't happening fast enough. Recovery is a marathon, not a sprint.

It is possible that your depression, although understandable in light of you losing your uncle, is in large part due to your ongoing battle with OCD. It happens. Sometimes it is true depression and is comorbid with OCD and other times it is the daily grind of dealing with OCD that causes the depression.

I think it is likely that you perceive you situation as dire but it really isn't. I'm betting that, all in all, your home situation is as normal as can be when it comes to cleanliness and the problem has everything to do with your perception of the situation. Your perception is skewed to believe that anything that comes out of your body is somehow tainted or contaminated and that simply isn't true. You have the exact same bodily functions as anyone else on the planet and the majority of people don't worry about it. You need to get to a place where you aren't worrying either.

As for stopping ruminating, it is perhaps the trickiest of compulsions to master. It takes lots of practice. You have to catch yourself ruminating, stop yourself and refocus onto something else. You have to do that over and over again, over weeks or months, until you start to get it right and then you have to keep doing it.

You should also be working on not doing compulsions every day. I suspect you do them every day, probably multiple times a day. You have lots of opportunities to stop a compulsion. You need to push yourself to do that, as hard as it is.

[BigDave]

I really appreciate the good advice. I feel really weak in that I don't feel like I'm able to follow it.

I'm actually feeling really low at the moment. I effectively can't go to the toilet anymore in any way without getting into a mad panic. Whenever I go, I feel incredibly unclean and it is now to the point where I feel like no matter what, I can't not soil. I can't wipe myself without feeling contaminated. I can't even pull my trousers up or touch my underwear without feeling gross. Actually it is getting rather desperate to the point where my work bag brushed me after I went to the loo and I was so sure I got stuff on me that I'm contemplating buying a new work bag. Life shouldn't be life this.

I admire all you guys so much who are able to take the fight to OCD and beat it. You are remarkable people and I can't stress how amazing I think you are. Tonight though, I feel beat. I feel like I never want to leave my room again. It's just too hard.

[Guest Adele]

Hi Dave,

Sorry to hear that you're feeling low at the moment. There is hope for improvement if you get the right help. You do actually have a choice. A choice to obey your OCD or take a leap of faith and fight it. Did anything bad happen as a result of you brushing against your work bag? I doubt it. If you resisted getting a new one, then that is one victory that can be celebrated. It is difficult to control our thoughts but they are not as significant as we think. It's what we do that matters. I find that even small changes to our behaviour give us a boost to feel confident enough to continue treatment. Can you think of times when you have resisted a compulsion?

I know how hard it can be and I am by no means fully recovered, but from experience I have learned that CBT does work if we give it a try.

[BigDave]

I think / feel that my bag likely has excrement on it now which sucks.

But yeah I have tried CBT. I've been doing it for over a year now but things are just getting worse.

[Guest Tayo37]

Big Dave I feel your pain you are not alone at all your anxiety may be getting worse as that can happen when you are stressed unwell all kinds of reasons but don't give up are you on any medication ? Medication has helped me a lot and having bad thoughts but not reacting , I'm not recovered but this is what I am trying atm I do know that cbt is good and erp is the best way to deal with this. I've had cbt and have had bad times since but you have to keep working on what cbt teaches you they r tools we will have to use to help us you can do it I am rooting for you

[Guest Adele]

The feeling sucks but try and let it be. This is an opportunity to resist a compulsion. Refocus your attention on something else.

[Guest Tayo37]

Your bag is fine your ocd is telling you it isn't you have to let that thought pass through your mind and not react please try and do this Dave it may happen a lot but keep letting it pass and not react your anxiety will go down

[BigDave]

Yeah I have been on medication for a couple of years now. I'm going to go back to my psychiatrist soon to reevaluate the drugs in on in case they aren't having the desired effects. I will leave the bag be for now. I'm just so unbelievably down and depressed. I feel like I want to cry all the time.

[Guest Adele]

Do you like to listen to music? Play something upbeat. Just an idea.

[Guest Tayo37]

It's a struggle I have the most awful intrusive thoughts that have bought me to my knees and made me extremely ill but I am trying to do what I can you will feel better in time so don't give up you can research helpful tips that might help you until you see your psychiatrist or you have the forum we all understand how each other is feeling