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Really scared right now


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Having one of those moments where I can't remember for sure what happened. It was this morning when I was in the car with my mom. I was already feeling irritated and cranky. I had a bad thought about her and didn't seem to care? But it was because I knew that there wasn't any immediate danger but anyways what I'm worried about is what happened after that. I still had that numb, not caring feeling. I had closed my eyes briefly and then when I opened them I saw a car right ahead of us and it took me a second to realize it was coming right at us. This is where my memory gets fuzzy. Either way, I didn't say anything to warn my mom. But I can't remember if I didn't say anything because I felt like I didn't care about her or if I was waiting to see what was going to happen. The car was a ways down and it ended up just passing the car that was ahead of it. My mom never said anything or hit the brakes like if there was a close call or anything. But still, it kills me that I can't remember for sure. And the thought of me doing it because I didn't feel like I cared about her kills me because I love my mom. But sometimes my irritation or anger can manipulate my thoughts and feelings. But I'm so scared right now. And I hope this was at least easy to follow.

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Guest doris

Hi kika,

Are you doing work in general to deal with these kinds of obsessions? Has this come up for you before?

Working through ocd issues is a long-term approach so that when specific incidents like this one comes up you have the tools to deal with them. Going over and over this incident in your mind and trying to remember what happened is a compulsion that is feeding your obsession. The only way to end this cycle is to apply long-term cbt techniques that will help you stop performing these kinds of compulsions.

I know how horrible it is when an obsession comes up and how real it feels. and how hard it is to stop doing the compulsion. but stopping the compulsions is the only way through this. you will need to accept the uncertainty of the situation--the fact that you can't remember.

Sounds to me like there was absolutely nothing dangerous in this whole situation but your obsession is getting fed by fears that you were not being responsible enough.

wishing you well!

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Thank you so much for your reply. I'm currently not seeing any therapists or taking meds or cbt although I've heard of it.

I understand that ruminating is a compulsion but I almost feel bad to go about my day like normal after something like this and not knowing for sure if I did something horrible. My stomach has been in knots all day about it.

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Guest doris

sorry to hear you're feeling so bad about this--I know how lousy these obsessions can make us feel!

I've really found that you have to keep working at ocd on a more long-term basis if you want these obsessions to have less impact when they do hit, rather than trying to just deal with them when they come up all of a sudden.

You could always get a self-help book to help you along in learning how to deal with the obsessions and compulsions if you can't access a therapist at the moment. there are some really good self help books that help you understand how to apply cbt techniques.

try to relax and move on with your day and try not to go over the incident any more in your mind.

Good luck!

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Guest BonfireDog

I echo everything that doris has said. Dealing with OCD is a concerted, long-term effort; there is no quick solution. In my experience, CBT is the only long-lasting method of coping with OCD, but I realise that I am lucky to have had access to it. Luckily, CBT is not a 'talking therapy' in the sense that many think it; it is not a 'cure' that can only be applied by visiting a really good professional. Much of it takes the form of 'homework'; exercises that must be applied in everyday life. This makes sense, as it is in our day-to-day experiences, and not just in a therapy room, that OCD can strike.

There are many CBT books out there, and I am sure that more experienced forum-goers can give you recommendations.

You notice that I haven't made reference to your specific worries; that is because the content of your worries, in essence, do not matter. OCD will find anything to pick on; in this case, it is your mum, who you obviously care about a lot. I have had many similar worries, obsessions and anxieties along these lines myself down the years, and I have learnt to deal with them when they arise. CBT was a big help in this.

Please take care of yourself,

BD

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Thank you both for your thoughts. I know I've been told about cbt on several occasions. Whenever I have thoughts like this rise I try to remind myself what I've been told on here before, try to forget about it and go on with your day even if you have uncertainty. Sometimes I can do it but others..it's like I can't get past that uncertainty and then I feel bad for moving on when the other part of me is like you could be a bad person, you could have just done something horrible. I listen too much to the thoughts and let them influence me. These thoughts only really arise when I'm in the car with someone because that's when I'm most on edge and alert, every thing I see that could possibly lead to an accident I feel like I need to warn and sometimes I don't because of bad thoughts, anger, irritation, etc. sometimes the driver doesn't notice so then it really is my fault if I don't say anything and it's really getting hard trying to handle that amount of pressure.

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Guest BonfireDog

Don't worry about what the driver thinks, or beat yourself up for your irritation getting in the way of 'warning' them... the driver is perfectly capable of handling the road without you. These thoughts are just the manifestation of the OCD - I don't think that their content (i.e. that they are about cars and being a responsible passenger) have any importance. They are just the way that the OCD has found to make you worry. It could be anything else! With me, it was lots of different things, and when some got better others got worse. It was very difficult.

Most importantly, do not beat yourself up if sometimes you cannot stop yourself from ruminating and worrying. It is very difficult, and nobody who suffers from OCD can shut down all worrying 100%, no matter how far they have come. I certainly can't. The best thing to do is get out of that pattern as soon as possible, and then forget about it. The next time the worrying and thoughts arise is a fresh start - a new chance to move past them.

I hope this helps.

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Thank you so much, I really needed to hear this. And thank you for understanding that it's hard to stop worrying 100%. I can think that I've gotten through something but then I might remember it one day and get a sudden pang of guilt. I try to get through everything the best I can and I try not to use this forum as a crutch TOO much but sometimes it is hard and I know that talking about is the only way I'll feel some semblance getting better.

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Guest BonfireDog

I had the exact same thing this morning - I was swimming in the pool and a thought passed through my head and, for a moment, completely threw me back into how I used to be. Luckily, I have got much better at handling these occasional lapses, and can now identify them and get rid of them much more quickly. You will get there as well. :)

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