First time. Looking for friendly help advice and support.

[Applefan94]

Hi

This is the first time I've done this and I'm looking for support and advice from people who may have possibly been through the same thing as me.

It's a long story but I want to be as open and as honest as I can be. I feel like I'm putting myself through hell lately. So apologies in advance for the essay.

I've always been obsessed with the number 4 and during my year 9 exams I would check every switch was off in my room physically turning them on and off 4 times but sometimes 4 times wasn't enough I just had to lightly tap the switch four times until it felt just right. Sometimes the whole process of getting into bed could take a hour. Normally I would tell myself I would fail my exams if I didn't do this

Next i became obsessed with hand washing I couldn't eat anything without washing my hands first even if I had only washed them a hour or so before. They just felt dirty. During college and university I studied biology and was constantly messing with bacteria so this fear drifted away.

During college, a friend once said something they didn't mean to say something out loud and laughed it off but from that moment I became convinced I was gonna offend someone. Siting on the bus became a nightmare if someone sat by me I was scared I was gonna say something inappropriate or racist or offensive. I could hear my

Mind thinking horrible words and I was so scared they would come out out loud. I got around this by not wearing earphones on bus sucking my lips tight for the entire journey.

Life became a nightmare but I held it together. At the age of 16 I also became obsessed with the idea i had broken a law in my past or was going to. I regularly got up in the night and sat on the end of my parents bed crying my eyes out convinced I was a bad person. I would spend hours going through everything with my dad and he would reassure me I had done nothing wrong and deep down I knew that too.

At this age and still now I felt I couldn't trust myself I was going to do something wrong or offend someone. I couldn't sleep with my phone in my room I would place it outside my room with a chair against my door. I would ensure that the phone had a lock on it was in airplane mode and had a sim lock to be sure that the intrusive thoughts I was thinking trying to fall asleep couldn't become reality. I would apply the same principle if I knew I was going to be drinking my friends would regularly ask why is your phone off? Why is it in airplane mode?

Sometimes I would wake up in the night and have to write notes to myself if I had a Intrusive thought. Normal DNWx4 standing for done nothing wrong. I might have to write this over and over again before I can get back to sleep. Sometimes I would place a object upside down on my desk so I knew when I woke up in the morning that I was in control and hadn't done anything wrong.

I'm now 21 and although all these things did not happen at the same time they seem to have replaced each other over time. I can now spend hours each day thinking about my past. I fear that I have forgotten something and as soon as it pops back into my head it's gonna be so horrible that I won't be able to deal with it. And that because everything is going right at the moment it's all gonna fall to pieces.

For the last few years I became fine and more relaxed but a few weeks ago I started worrying uncontrollably the night I spent siting on my parents bed in a reck when I was 16 was now in question by my mind I spent hours each day trying to tie particular events to that time period. My parents swore on my deathbed that I was 16 and I still couldn't believe it. I started to look through Facebook, emails, receipts trying to tie something to me being 16 at the time. Being 16 had been my coping mechanism when I was a uni. I use to say to myself you was 16 move on. When my mind questioned that fact last week I had to track down old friends Facebook posts and seek constant reassurance from my parents. And even then that didn't cut it.

Driving my car can be a nightmare sometimes last week I got my contract for my dream job and in there it said I must hold a driving license since then I'm become convinced that I drove through a mobile speed van. I would turn around and nothing would be there my mind would then go what if you was doing 50 in a 30 and even through I knew this would be crazy I couldn't shake the feeling. I even have set my car to chime at 40mph just to prove to myself I wasn't

I'm the slowest and most careful driver of all my friends they all poke fun at me for my driving style.

It also takes me three or four attempts to leave my car in the morning I return to it four times to check the hand brake is one and that the car is in gear and locked I walk about 5 metres or so and keep turning back.

I feel like I'm a imposter that I'm using OCD for a front and actually I am a bad person it's becoming more distressing by the day. When I confessed to a friend what I was going through she pointed me in the direction of OCD as she bad been suffering with it for years.

Yesterday I phoned the doctors for the first time and my GP called me back to set up a appointment for Tuesday to see a councillor.

Deep down I know I'm a good person but I can't shake the feeling that I've done something wrong. Everyone I meet says I'm the most lovely conscientious person they have met. But to me that doesn't cut it.

I want to get over this horrible feeling. I spend days and weeks worrying that I have forgotten a particular memory and that one day it will all come flooding back to me and it's gonna make me so distort.

I have a loving family around me that have comforted me through it all but I feel a bit alone and I need to know if anyone else as experienced this?

[whitebeam]

Going out so I haven't time to read this and reply at the moment - will do so later but for now............

[Applefan94]

Thank you it's been so horrific I just need someone to tell me that I'm not crazy.

[whitebeam]

Hi Applefan

Sorry to hear that things have been so hard for you for such a long time. OCD is a very distressing condition to deal with and (not sure if you've been diagnosed) this does all sound very much like OCD.

I'm so pleased that you've gone to your GP - it's a good place to start. I don't think a counsellor is the best person to see but it could be good until you find some more OCD-focused support.

If you haven't had a diagnosis yet, do try and be properly assessed - that way you will be able to access the treatment most suitable for you.

I'm one of the very lucky people who has recovered from OCD - back in 2000 when it all kicked off, I was very poorly but the right meds and treatment really helped.

Take care and I hope you get on OK on Tuesday.

whitebeam

PS You're not crazy - it probably just feels like it sometimes :original:

[Lynz]

Hi Applefan. What you've described sounds like textbook OCD. Mine is a bit similar to yours in that it started in childhood and the content of the obsessions can change a lot.

It's great that you've been to see your GP. However I agree with Whitebeam that a counsellor is probably not the best person to see for your condition. What you need is cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) ideally delivered by someone who has a good understanding of OCD, as standard CBT often isn't appropriate for OCD and it needs to be adapted slightly.

I don't know if you've been offered any meds, but they can be helpful to manage your symptoms so you're in a better place to begin CBT. If your anxiety is quite severe then they can be quite useful to help with that. SSRIs are the recommended group of meds for OCD. You can try different ones to see which suits you better and has less side effects, and you can do all of this through your GP while you're waiting for therapy.

Do you have any self help books? They are often a great place to start to help you gain more insight into your condition and they're good to work through either while you're waiting for CBT or in conjunction with CBT. The one I use is "Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder" by David Veale and Rob Willson. I find this excellent but there are many others that I'm sure other people on here can recommend.

Welcome to the forum. We're a great supportive bunch on here, and I'm glad to hear you've taken the first steps to recovery already

[Applefan94]

Thank you both for welcoming me and taking the time to reply! I'll take on board what you said the dr I spoke to on the phone said she would be at a centre for young people that I'm going to so hopefully they will be able to direct me to the right support I need. I've just downloaded the ebook I'm really looking forward to reading it!

[Lynz]

Ok that's great .

Feel free to ask if you have any questions about the book or anything else x

[pureosufferer]

I've suffered from OCD my whole life (I'm now 33) and my intrusive thoughts have taken every conceivable form. Just as you described, the focus of the obsessions seems to change on a semi-regular basis. I can relate to what you're going through. OCD is a master trickster and will constantly make you second guess yourself. Things like "Oh, my God, I felt like I actually wanted/liked that thought just then!" and "Deep down on some level I must like these thoughts because they come from inside me." will bombard your mind and make you want to perform compulsive behaviours.

You're not going crazy. OCD is a recognised condition and help is available. If you have not already done so consult your GP and perhaps they can recommend a good therapist so that you can start CBT.

Edited May 2, 2016 by pureosufferer

[Applefan94]

Thank you all again for taking the time to offer me advice. I saw my GP this morning she has referred me for a blood test and to the mental health team. She seems really keen for me to attend a centre for 16 -25 year olds but it seems to be a sort of one stop shop for young people in my area dealing with all sorts of different issues.

One of my concerns is that reading some of the self help books and advice on here I'm concerned that maybe this could cause more harm then good and will just lead me to seek reassurance.

I was always aware that diagnosis of a condition might take sometime but I'm not sure weather attending the centre could help or cause further hinderance to me.

At this stage all I've been really told is that I certainly have some obbessions and complusions that seem to be interfering with my life.

My mood has been genuinely uplifted in the last few days. I'm feeling like I have more will and power. Reading the self help book sometimes feels like reading a autobiography. Although I'm very aware that sometimes we can all self diagnose ourselves if we read Into things too much.

I suppose my question is should I wait or is there any harm in attending the centre?

Thanks again

[frankie]

It sounds like you are very anxious and may have ocd symptoms .....talk to your doctor about medication , therapy but most importantly a proper diagnosis which may have to come through a psychiatrist

You are going to be OK and will find lots of advice on here

[Guest OCD_Est.1982]

I went to one of these drop-in centres years ago, but it wasn't for me because it dealt with every type of mental illness and didn't specialise in OCD.

What might help better is to have a look online and see if there is a local self-help group nearby that you could attend. That's what I did for a while and it really helped me see that I wasn't going crazy. OCD affects people from all walks of life which I only discovered when I attended one of these groups. For example in my group there was two teachers and a university professor.

Your symptoms do you sound like OCD, but you really need to see a psychiatrist for a proper diagnosis and to set up a treatment plan. There is a whole range of OCD conditions and each one needs to be treated differently. Trichitillonmania (compulsion to pull ones hair out), anorexia nervosa and body dysmorphic disorder are all forms of OCD, but obviously are treated completely differently.

If you ask to see a psychiatrist, once they have fully assessed you they will then refer you on to whatever treatment is most suitable. This may include cognitive behavioural therapy with a psychologist.

I hope things work out for you and trust me none of us are crazy. OCD is an illness like any other.