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Can't cope - feeling like a fraud


Guest It'sOnlyNatural

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Guest It'sOnlyNatural

So basically I keep coming back to this serious fear that I have faked all my problems.

Looking back, I had anxiety and OCD symptoms before I even knew what it was, so in that sense, I do have OCD. I also got treatment for OCD where I was diagnosed and they told be point blank I had OCD and not Munchausen's Syndrome (which I was scared I had instead).

However, I am freaking out because I think I did tend to "substitute" certain OCD behaviors for others. For example, I had really bad health anxiety, but only really began thinking about contamination once I had read all about OCD. Like I was mimicking the behavior of people I'd read about/seen in documentaries and such. Contamination was also the easiest thing to get over in CBT - probably because it was never a concrete compulsion like my more subtle ones are. I'm not saying I 100% faked this (I mean, I was genuinely anxious about germs). But it was like, the more I thought about having OCD, the worst it got. I felt as though washing hands often meant that I had OCD - almost as though it was a checking/reassurance compulsion rather than a contamination one. Does that make any sense??

I also used to "try out" other OCD compulsions, which I stopped pretty soon after starting (like evening things out, making stuff orderly). As though I was testing whether or not I had OCD. In a way I wanted OCD (ridiculous I know) - I just wanted to be able to at least explain why I felt anxious and stuff.

I have also told some pretty serious lies in the past about my mental health - as though one version of the truth was easier to say than the real truth. I don't know....maybe that's just an excuse.

I feel terrible. Truly awful and guilty. I know I obviously have anxiety and when I am lying in bed crying at the thought of having cancer or something, I don't doubt whether I have OCD or not! But right now, I am just thinking back to lies I've told/things I've thought or done which are just so bad I can't deal with the guilt. Almost like I was attention seeking when I was 13/14 but it got out of hand and I realised I couldn't stop.

I am over analyzing my thoughts so much - I keep thinking "is this a lie?" "was that a lie?" "do I deserve help?" It feels like all I want to do is talk about my fears and problems 24/7, and the thought of being happy and strong and on my own is just horrible. I don't know why I am like this :/

I just want to know if I am a terrible person for doing this or not?? I feel like I am so desperate to find the exact truth of how I feel and how I felt in the past, and the fact I can't seem to do that is really getting to me.

Thanks sorry for the long post!!

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Guest It'sOnlyNatural

I feel like I don't ever want to be happy or 'ok' again - I just feel so guilty and all I want is for people to give me reassurance...I don't want to try and pretend to be anything else :/

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Guest It'sOnlyNatural

I just feel so confused...like I'm a fake. How can I move on when I feel like my whole life has been a web of lies? :/

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