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This has been driving me nuts the last few weeks and I can't take anymore.

I like watching videos on Youtube of babies. Babies being scared. Like babies who get scared of their own farts or burps or of a certain toy or pooping. Babies eating a lemon or going through a car wash for the first time. Babies afraid of baths or bubbles. I also like watching babies being teased and yet if I come across anything I think is mean, I report the video. It's just they over react to everything because they don't know what it is. Also, I can't stand watching videos of babies being hurt. Like people have video compilations on there of babies falling over and it puts my heart in my mouth.

I can't explain the emotion. I have always had a teasing part to my personality. But the emotion is, I want to squeeze, that's the only way I can put it. I want to grab their cheeks and mush them.

I read that a babies cry has a flight or fight reaction in people and so because we know the child isn't in actual danger and isn't suffering, it creates an adrenaline rush. That makes me feel awful.

Also, If I see a baby or toddler misbehaving I get irritated a little, like "you are not being strict enough" I can be very strict and I worry that it makes me severe.

And then there is this game I have where you take care of a baby. Well when I am feeling frustrated I like to frighten the baby with the ghost. Yet, when I left the game for a few days to see how the game dynamics worked, when I returned the baby was like a skeleton and filthy dirty. I felt awful, it really disturbed me, even though it is not real. Now the baby is fat.

I tried visualization. I tried imagining myself being mean to a baby but found myself imagining taking care of the baby and cuddling and teaching it instead.

Am I evil? Do I deserve all the bad things that happen to me? I hate posting this but I have to know.

Edited by Phili
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Whats evil about wanting to mush the cheeks of a baby? I have two kids and would seriously love to squeeze their pips out! And as for watching babies pull faces and doing funny things, is just that funny! I find babies quite hilarious ? lighten up, your not evil x

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Am I evil? Do I deserve all the bad things that happen to me? I hate posting this but I have to know.

You need to answer that question for yourself Phili......and throughout your post you have, you know the answer. What you're really wanting is reassurance and we know how that doesn't help.

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