pureosufferer

I find mine are most severe at night but are often very strong in the morning too.

So this is my first post in several months. For those of you who don't know my story, I have been a lifelong ocd sufferer but had 4 years of being ocd free before it resurfaced about 18 months ago. This current bout of ocd has been the longest lasting and most intense I've ever had. I have done lots of ERP therapy during this time, almost continuously. Now I know some of you will say I need to do more but the simple fact is this: It hasn't worked. My obsessions are as strong as ever, the urges to perform compulsions are as strong as ever and "letting the thoughts in" sometimes works but more often than not, doesn't. I stopped having sessions with my therapist when it became apparent (after two long and very expensive courses of therapy) that it wasn't working. I also know some of you will say I'll never get better without exposure. Well the fact is, I am not getting better WITH exposure either so now I have no idea what to do. 18 months of exposure without improvement is unheard of. It's also now got me extremely worried that this isn't ocd. It's time to admit that whatever I am doing isn't working and isn't ever going to. I need to try something new. I recently got married to a wonderfully understanding woman and she has given me lots of support, but I literally can't afford any more therapy and the way things are going I can't live a normal life. Really at my wits' end now.

Chaosed, I'm sorry to say that it is impossible for me to find a therapist in this country for the reasons I've already said. I am in a country where mental illness in general is taboo and very poorly understood, even by medical professionals. As I said, there is also the linguistic barrier which would make it difficult to explain my situation to a doctor/therapist. I really am stuck in a terrible situation. I still keep trying though. Also I haven't been doing ERP for one year, that's just how long this bout of OCD has lasted. I've been doing the ERP for about 9 months with and without the therapist. Getting up and doing stuff in the night is fine but I also have to consider my noise levels as my wife will be sleeping so I can't listen to music (which generally doesn't relax me anyway, especially when my OCD is spiking) and tea certainly wouldn't help sleep. I usually try to read or something but again it rarely works.

I have considered sleeping pills but I often feel very depressed and have in the past felt suicidal because of the OCD. I know that some people begin feeling depressed too while taking sleeping pills. I'm worried about this happening to me too.

Lie in bed for a while trying to nod off again. If it doesn't work I'll go to the living room and try to do something else for 30 minutes to tire out my mind. Neither really works very well.

Chaosed, thanks for the advice, but what do you mean by "our predecessors"? Of course, if I could go back to sleep again there wouldn't be a problem! The fact is that when I wake up, no matter what I do I simply can't fall back to sleep again.

Hi PolarBear, Thanks for your reply, but I think you've misunderstood a little. I didn't say I'm fighting the thoughts and performing compulsions, I simply used this to illustrate that it's extremely difficult not to do these things when I wake up in the middle of the night and am exhausted, trying to sleep and have extremely strong intrusive thoughts. I try not to perform compulsions as much as possible although this is not always possible it usually is. I have been getting a little better but the doubt is still there. I also agree that I have been doing ERP for too long and that something is wrong. As you know I am not in the UK and knowledge of OCD in this country is VERY limited and combined with the language barrier it would make explaining my situation to a doctor extremely difficult, therefore the only option I have is (very expensive) UK-based therapy via Skype. I no longer see the therapist as it simply was taking too long to recover. I mentioned to him that I thought he was solely focusing on ERP and that nothing was being done on the cognitive side but he brushed it off and said ERP was the way. This isn't a quack therapist, he is one of the top OCD specialists in the UK. I agree something is wrong though, this bout of OCD has now lasted over a year, by far the longest bout I've ever had. It makes me very worried because now my brain is thinking that because ERP hasn't worked the intrusive thoughts must be real desires. I have been having an easier time lately but there's that thought and worry still there.

Well this current bout of OCD has now lasted well over a year and I'm still continuing with ERP even though I really don't think it's working. One enormous part of the problem is a lack of sleep. I always go to bed at the same time (11pm), never nap during the day no matter how tired I feel and never drink tea or coffee in the afternoons or evenings. In short, I follow all of the recommended regime for a good night's sleep. I rarely have any trouble getting to sleep and usually nod off soon after I go to bed. The trouble is that I ALWAYS wake up between 2 and 4 in the morning and can never get back to sleep again. It's made worse by the OCD, with constant intrusive thoughts and images swimming in my head. Fighting them and performing compulsions obviously makes them much worse and stronger but just letting them be in my head is extremely disturbing and certainly makes the problem of sleeplessness much worse. It's a vicious circle as I then feel exhausted the whole next day and this makes the OCD much worse. Come night time the cycle starts repeating itself - I feel exhausted, drop off quickly but then wake up after only a couple of hours. I'm at the end of my tether with this now. It's been happening for too long and no matter what I do I can't get a good night of sleep. Has any other sufferer had this problem and if so, what did you do? I'd be extremely grateful for any advice.

Having been undergoing ERP for almost 8 months, I have fluctuated between getting slightly better and getting much worse. This is despite following my therapist's advice rigidly. "Let the thoughts in and let them dissipate on their own and also perform regular exposure everyday" he tells me. Trouble is it simply isn't working. I've considered the options, that I'm doing something incorrectly etc. but I'm not. It just isn't working. Letting the thoughts in is all well and good but often they don't dissipate, they just get stronger and it feels like I'm starting to enjoy them which worries me greatly. Still I try to push ahead and not ruminate, avoid etc. It simply doesn't work. I am starting to feel suicidal again and am now thinking it is the only way out. I'm angry at myself, at OCD and at the therapist as well as with everything else.

I am an insomniac anyway and always have been but as an OCD sufferer tiredness certainly makes it much worse. Yes, to answer your question, when I wake up my anxiety is very, very strong. The thoughts seem very real and this makes it almost impossible not to ruminate on them. I might add that my obsessions involve violent sexual intrusive thoughts and therefore as a man, feeling this way first thing in the morning when most people feel slightly aroused normally, is very disturbing and causes much deeper anxiety. I often wake up in the early hours and find it difficult to get back to sleep again. I just spend the rest of the night panicking and stressing out.

I can certainly relate. I have exactly the same problem. Sometimes it feels like I'm drawn to thinking the thoughts, in which case my brain tells me "See, they're not intrusive anymore". Another problem is that quite often it strongly feels like I am liking the thoughts which makes me feel distressed and makes it impossible to do what the therapist says and just "let the thoughts in" because if you do that when having a feeling that you're enjoying the thought then my brain will tell me "See, it's gone from an intrusive thought to a deliberate "fantasy". I have even started to question whether or not this really is OCD at all. I really wish I had the answer for you how to make this stop. If I knew I'd use it myself. I can only say that, by the sheer fact that so many others on this forum have expressed similar thoughts it probably is just the OCD. I hope you can gain some comfort from this.

PolarBear, That's the whole point, the feeling is so strong that I can't ignore it. I literally cannot. I have tried so hard. Sometimes it works and there are other times that it doesn't.

I have been really trying hard to not fight the intrusive thoughts and to just let them be in my head and ignore them. The trouble is that sometimes they sometimes take the form of "feelings" rather than thoughts. It really feels like I am enjoying them. In this situation I can't simply let them in because it feels like then the thoughts would be a deliberate "fantasy". I just had a really bad episode where I woke up in the middle of the night with this strong "feeling" while being drawn to one particular thought. It felt so strong that I felt like I couldn't fight it even if I'd tried and so I just let the thought in, hoping it would just disappear. I was wrong. It got stronger and it started to feel like I was fantasising about the thought while enjoying the "feeling". That was almost an hour ago. Now I just feel despair. I can't be sure that what happened was part of the OCD. I don't get it. What am I supposed to do? I don't want to be that kind of person but if I follow the therapy and just let the thought in how can I be sure the thoughts aren't wanted?

I'm really pushing hard with my therapy. The good days are getting more frequent but the bad days, while not as frequent, are much worse when they do occur. I'm trying to simply let the intrusive thoughts be in my head without panicking or trying to push them out and I'm also doing ERP. I certainly feel less anxiety these days (at last!) but this is a double-edged sword. It sometimes feels like I want the thoughts, enjoy them or would enjoy acting on them and this makes it much harder to do the ERP. I know it's just the OCD and that my brain is simply trying to "trick" me into panicking again but there's this constant niggling feeling that I'm doing something wrong and that I would enjoy or act on the thoughts if I just let myself. It's really scary but I know I have to keep fighting. I still feel very down most of the time but I no longer feel suicidal like I used to. If any of you are struggling please keep going. I know how hard it is. I really felt like I had nothing left to live for but I am fighting to get better. I'd appreciate any thoughts or comments.

PolarBear, Paradoxer, thank you both very much for your advice. However, easier said than done, especially when you're in a sexual situation. As I said often the thoughts make it impossible to carry on.