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Having some sort of brake down.


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As I said on here last night I was out on sat night on a works night out. I drank shandy (don't drink as a rule). I'm really good friends with a guy I work with but I'm constantly afraid of being too friendly with him, I monitor my actions to check I'm okay and not doing anything flirtatious. I love my partner and don't want to cheat on him 100% ever, I adore him. Prior to this job of 3 years I've always worked mainly with women now my job in a different department is all men! I struggle with it all the time as I don't want to do anything wrong. Anyway on sat eve as on many nights out everyone disappeared one by one and I was waiting for my other half to come and pick me up, I was waiting with my best mate from work who I really get on well with but I'm constantly scared of being inappropriate as would hate to do anything to jepridise my relationship with my partner. Anyway on sat I asked my friend what he wanted to do ( get another drink/ go somewhere else ) as my partner wasn't picking me up for another hour. This is the problem I looked at him in a way like he might think Im attracted to him. This instantly stressed me out and I have worried about it since. I've been throwing up since last night and called in sick. Feel like I've cheated on my partner. I tried to talk about it with my partner in a roundabout way but he just got angry. Please help I'm desperate

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I'm sorry that you are having such a bad time Liberty, hopefully you will feel better soon.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to recognize that these doubts and fears you are having are OCD. That doesn't mean they won't be uncomfortable, but you can start dealing with them for what they are, not what you feel they might be.

It's common for those of us with OCD to struggle with feeling like we will do something we fear because of the doubt and anxiety OCD causes, but the reality is we control our choices, and if you don't want to cheat on your partner then you aren't going to, even if OCD causes you to have thoughts related to infidelity or leading someone on, etc.

Try to remind yourself that OCD is lying to you, it's telling you these thoughts are important when they really aren't. Trust yourself and your true desire to be loyal to your partner. Don't beat yourself up when you aren't doing anything wrong, even though you doubt that's true, trust yourself. You love your partner and want to be loyal, so believe that you will!

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Hi thanks for your help but it's getting worse I'm panicking like crazy. I know I was being flirty and I'm confused why I woulddo that. I like my friend but only as a friend. I feel like I might have wanted attention. I'm going to have to tell my partner. I can't live with myself

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You said your partner got angry, so I would not mention this particular 'incident' again. My husband was the same. If our partners don't fully understand the workings of OCD it's only natural for them to assume there's more to our distress.

You did nothing wrong, but your OCD won't allow it to drop. All you can do is focus on now and not go over the night and your reaction etc.

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Given the circumstances the dialogue you had with your work friend does not seem unreasonable.

As I have said before on this forum, it is no way to live if we can't interract friendly and socially with our other workmates, just because we are in a relationship - we just cannot operate like that.

I agree wit DKSEA - it is the OCD not the events that are causing your distress; what I do in these situations if they bug me is help myself to see it by seeking to take a detached view:

Looking at the thoughts as if I were someone else, looking at the meaning it is being suggested I should give to the thoughts, seeing that for OCD, looking at the more rational response - could be "I am having the thought that I was unfaithful, but I see that I did nothing wrong".

Ten you can apply the four steps - labelling and reattributing to OCD, then refocus away and calm down.

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I know I was being flirty and I'm confused why I woulddo that. I like my friend but only as a friend. I feel like I might have wanted attention. I'm going to have to tell my partner. I can't live with myself

There was nothing wrong with your behavior....even if it was flirtatious. Many people interact, flirt, have banter but with no intent. There is a huge difference between mild flirting with a friend and flirting with the intent of taking things further.

OCD is urging you to confess (carry out a compulsion) to try and bring the anxiety down. It would be a mistake for that reason only.

Label these feelings for what they are...the over-inflated doubts caused by OCD

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I'm worried it's not ocd. Maybe I do have feelings for this person? I don't think I did. But why when I was asking him where he wanted to go next did I look at him in a weird ( flirtatious way) I'm totally lost I really don't get it. Are you saying that tight there was ocd? I know I try my hardest not to act flirtatious with him we are such good friends I constantly worry that it won't turn in to anything else so I suppose I do compulsions to make sure I dont. Eg say something so he knows o don't like him in that way. But on sat it was different I looked at him in a way he might have thought I fancied him.

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So what if he did?. Nothing happened.

You have a fear that something did. You are obsessing and compulsing about it. You had a compulsive urge to confess it, an gave in to that. All OCD.

You need to note this down, maybe right click and print off the thread or copy it onto a word document to keep in the computer. You can then refer to it in the future.

Edited by taurean
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You need to note this down, maybe right click and print off the thread or copy it onto a word document to keep in the computer. You can then refer to it in the future.

:no: Nooooo....Please don't. It would quickly become a self-reassuring compulsion...as would keep re-reading and referring to the thread

You have to stop going over the evening, what was said, what you did, what you might have meant Blah, blah, blah

There is nothing to be addressed here other than the doubt of OCD and the need to confess. Try to work through the feelings of anxiety and resist falling into any compulsions

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Liberty, you are clearly performing OCD behavior. You are thinking about confessing (a compulsion). This is the second thread you've started on exactly the same subject, which leads me to believe you are ruminating over this situation, going over it in your head, again and again. That's a compulsion also.

You are giving a whole lot of attention to your obsession (that you did something wrong). The proper course of action is to not confess and to work hard to not ruminate over this situation. Things will only get worse if you don't.

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I'm really stuck I don't know what's me and what's ocd anymore. I really don't know what happened. I can't move on until I know. I can't even look at my partner or my child without wanting to breakdown. Can anyone explain to me why when I talk to this guy I do get embarrassed with eye to eye contact? I do this with other attractuve men I crumble and get embarrassed and kind of look away which to me they must think I'm attracted to them. I can normally defuse this by making sure I don't look like that again or saying something offensive but I never did this on sat and I feel dreadful. We were talking and I asked him where we should go next and have him that flirtatious can't look in the eye type face. At that moment I should have walked away and got a taxi instead of waiting for my partner as we had planned for him to pick me up. I feel like a tramp. I feel like I've cheated I know this isn't cheating but it's getting that way. I think if it wasn't for the ocd stopping me maybe things could have got a lot worse. I must have feelings for this man otherwise I wouldn't be worrying. I feel devastated I knee something like this would happen if I went out. I was worrying all day before I went. I think it's because we get on so well I always worry about crossing over the boarder and making sure our conversations are not inapropriate

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I'm really stuck I don't know what's me and what's ocd anymore. I really don't know what happened. I can't move on until I know. I can't even look at my partner or my child without wanting to breakdown. Can anyone explain to me why when I talk to this guy I do get embarrassed with eye to eye contact? I do this with other attractuve men I crumble and get embarrassed and kind of look away which to me they must think I'm attracted to them. I can normally defuse this by making sure I don't look like that again or saying something offensive but I never did this on sat and I feel dreadful. We were talking and I asked him where we should go next and have him that flirtatious can't look in the eye type face. At that moment I should have walked away and got a taxi instead of waiting for my partner as we had planned for him to pick me up. I feel like a tramp. I feel like I've cheated I know this isn't cheating but it's getting that way. I think if it wasn't for the ocd stopping me maybe things could have got a lot worse. I must have feelings for this man otherwise I wouldn't be worrying. I feel devastated I knee something like this would happen if I went out. I was worrying all day before I went. I think it's because we get on so well I always worry about crossing over the boarder and making sure our conversations are not inapropriate

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I'm really stuck I don't know what's me and what's ocd anymore. I really don't know what happened. I can't move on until I know.

Stop trying to know. That's a compulsion and will only keep you stuck where you are right now.

You've been through this sort of thing before. You need to recognize this is as OCD, just like all the other times. Nothing happened but your disorder is making a huge deal out of this when there's no reason for it. You need to let it go. Stop ruminating. Stop going over it in your head.

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I'm so sorry and I really hope you don't get angry with me I know I must drive everyone crazy. I can't see this is ocd. The fact is I behaved flirtatiously. I'm always aware of how I act around this particular person as we do get on so well. I don't understand what I'm trying to describe here so stick with me. I like his company we sit next yo each other at work all day and I really like him. This is what frightens me. Sometimes I look at him and I get paranoid there might be s little sort of flirt going on. We are like best buds at work but there's always this fear I have what if I'm flirting. He's a very flirtatious outgoing person in general but I'm not. I just worry there may have been a spark on sat as if we both new something but I don't know what. I'm making no sense at all. I'm really upset because if that is the case I absolutely do not want them type of feelings. I want to be with my partner who I love but why dos this what ever it was happen to me. I'm totally lost. It wasn't like I was drunk I had been drinks my shandy. I knew from scratch was bad idea as it makesme on edge. Please help me I'm going crazy.

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You're confused as to what is OCD. Let me try to explain.

The situation you found yourself in, with your friend/coworker, was real. It happened. OCD has nothing to do with that. What is OCD is the way you are treating that situation that happened. You are having intrusive thoughts (obsessions). Your obsessions are that you acted inappropriately that night. You are performing compulsions. Your compulsions are, but not limited to, confessing on here, wanting to confess to your partner and ruminating. That's OCD.

OCD can latch onto a real event and blow it all out of proportion, which is exactly what is happening here. The original event isn't OCD. The way you think about the event and the way you behave is what makes OCD.

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This is not a reassurance post I'm just confused? Did I act inappropriately then I'm lost? Because it did happen I did give that flirtatious look so to me that's inappropiate. By flirtatious look I can pretty much sum up what that is now. Basically when I'm talking to him or any other good looking male I get really embarrassed and frightened of flirting and I end up not looking the person in the eye because I feel like I will smile. If they themselves are a flirtatious person like my work colleague it's even more difficult because I'm scared of what might happen. This is exactly what happened on sat I was asking where we should go and that horrible feeling came over, don't make eye contact, don't smile like your flirting then because I tried not to do it, it came across even more so like I was falling for him because I got embarrassed and did the weird thing. I'm so confused as to what I'm playing at. My mind has gone blank. It felt like on sat, I knew what I was doing was wrong and he was avoiding me in a weird way because there might be some kind of attraction there. I purposely stayed away from him all night as we are that friendly during the day I was frightened of behaving inappropriately.

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I'm not going to answer your question as to whether you did wrong or not. That would be giving reassurance.

The problem here is your reaction to what happened, not what happened. It was a minor, minor thing and you've blown it all out of proportion. I've shown you why this is OCD at work. Now what you need to do is resist and stop your compulsions before this goes any further.

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Okay well the problem here isn't that I smirked or looked away in a flirty manner it's something else. It's the feeling. I felt uncomfortable like I was doing something I shouldn't be by being with him. I don't know how to put it. I had avoided my friend all night through fear. Why was I scared? We get on so well and have such a laugh I was worried through alcohol about inappropriate behaviour as I don't want to do anything to harm my relationship with my partner. I think this must be the reason I feel guilty? I can't understand my own mind. It was like I knew I shouldn't be there in case something inappropriate was said. I don't trust myself I never have through drink. What is going on i just don't understand

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You continue to ruminate over what happened. You're going over it in your head, again and again. That's a compulsion. That's OCD.

This is only going to get worse unless you change. What happened isn't worth thinking about, let alone getting all upset over it. See the OCD and work to stop your compulsions.

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Please tell me how. I keep thinking about the feeling I had on sat that something was wrong. That was a real feeling.

I realize it was a real feeling. You're still not understanding how OCD works.

Anyone else would have forgotten about what happened Saturday or just chocked it up to one of those small little incidents that unfold while living. You haven't. You're stuck on that incident. You won't let it go. That reinforces your belief that you did wrong, which makes you feel worse, which makes me ruminate over it even more. It's a never ending cycle until you decide to make it stop.

The problem is not what happened Saturday night. The problem is that you are stuck on what happened. Get unstuck.

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