Managed to stop doing compulsions for a week

[Eric Dave]

I still felt awful but managed to stop doing testing compulsions for a week. I still.spiked but stopped responding. I felt awful though.

But today I felt totally overwhhelmed by a spike and ended up testing. I was hanging out with a male friend today and had a feeling in my groin for over 2 hours with him. It wouldnt go away and it kept getting worse. It got so bad that when I got home I ended up testing with masturbation. My mood is really low.

Ir was a massive effort to stop responding to spikes and I felt just as bad as ever. I dont think this is ocd

I had an urge to masturbate and had urges today that scared me and depressed me but were strong. And the finger ratio is convinced me I was born gay and I cant change it.

[Guest anatta]

Well done! You'll still have spikes though, don't take that as a sign that you're going to fail. When you get better at resisting compulsions, the overall trajectory is usually upwards, according to the statistics, and there are many little ups and downs along the way. If you respond to this without losing hope, you'll have more strength to keep fighting. Think of every new spike as a helpful opportunity to destroy this thing. I've had about two weeks of much more consistent compulsion resistance, too, and I'm finding reframing spikes as opportunities, instead of catastrophising and wanting to give up, to be very helpful.

Not having intrusive thoughts as often is a long-term goal, but you shouldn't aim to stop them arising completely. Especially in the beginning, it's important that the thoughts still come, because that's how the brain is desensitised to them. I have been through this cycle many times over the last five years: resist compulsions more than usual -> anxiety associated with the thoughts lessens -> several obsession-free days -> think you're cured -> try to forget the whole sorry affair -> don't do any exposures -> obsessive thought shows up with anxiety as strong as before you started -> panic and forget to immediately resist compulsions. If the thoughts don't come all day, make them come, challenge yourself. You're re-training the brain, and it needs repeated reinforcement.

Edited December 20, 2014 by anatta

[Guest Orwell1984]

Well done so far Eric! Put down the testing as a blip and continue on as if the blip didn't happen. You are doing brilliantly. If you continue on not doing compulsions, the groinal responses etc will calm down and go away cos they have no fuel anymore You are doing brilliantly go easy on yourself!!!

[Eric Dave]

Thanks guys. I will try to not give in again. Groinal responses are the worst. I actually felt like I was going to lose control and start kissing him

They are very scary and I fear them happening again.

Also I am getting groinal responses from associations I am making in my mind. If someone said Diet Coke my mind immeduately asso iates it with himosexilual urges becaus emy mind links it with the shirtless guy and fear of being aroused.

If I am driving my car I may be stuck at a red light and I am looking at the car ahead and see the knob that you connect a trailer to and my mind thinks of an erect penis and i get a groinal response.

Also when people just say random words that give me a groinal. E.g. "boys" or even joking about gays etc..

[taurean]

Eric,

I applaud you for making an effort but of course as usual I disagree with your wrong "conclusion" for reasons previously given.

I can associate with the linking Eric.

My OCD is making connections within my own OCD theme.

My therapist said to challenge that by recognising why OCD is making the link - in your case to support its falsehoods re your orientation.

So when these happen stand up to it feel the arousal but be clear that its another false message and don't respond to it.

You must stand up to and challenge these links and resist any more forming - get distracted away from any potential ones and keep distracted.

[Eric Dave]

Thanks. Being distracted is extremely difficult. I hope this is not denial or not accepting who I really am.

The way this is making me feel is bloody scary and depressing. It ruins everything good in life.

Anyway I will stop posting and get back to suffering the ocd without giving into compulsions.

[Caramoole]

Anyway I will stop posting and get back to suffering the ocd without giving into compulsions.

Good on you....Well Done

And remember, it is hard work so expect the surges of doubt and arousal.....they're part and parcel of it.

Good Luck and stay strong

[Guest ADD]

That's great! I've never managed a day myself.

[PolarBear]

If I am driving my car I may be stuck at a red light and I am looking at the car ahead and see the knob that you connect a trailer to and my mind thinks of an erect penis and i get a groinal response.

Do you really think the above would be a normal response for a gay man? Can you not see that this is not about sexuality but there's something else going on here? Do you think gay men get aroused looking at trailer hitches?

As for your week of no compulsions, congratulations. Keep going. It will take months to see a positive change. You have nothing to lose to keep going as you have been for the past week.

[Eric Dave]

Its not the trailer hitch but thr association it made in my mind. Even if I say the word "gay" i get a feeling down there.

Whats scary is if this actual attraction what normal people feel everyday then I dont know how I will live with it because its so frequent and horrible.

And I have a girlfriend now and I am feeling guilt that I am misleading her

[PolarBear]

Do you think gay men get a feeling down there by just saying the word "gay"? Does that seem plausible to you?

[Eric Dave]

Tbh yes but you would have to ask a gay man

[gingerbreadgirl]

As a gay woman I can confirm that I am not remotely turned on by the word "gay"!

[PolarBear]

My point Eric is that homosexual people do not get turned on by what is affecting you. They aren't like you. They aren't getting the same feelings and twitches like you. This isn't about homosexuality. It's about OCD -- that's what's causing you to feel these things.

[taurean]

Yes. Exagerrations, making mental links to support the OCD theme.Constant themed thinking - all absolute evidence of OCD at work.

Be strong Eric don't let it fool you . Just trust that your real core values are the real ones not the material and connections OCD is purveying.

[Eric Dave]

I hope so Polar. G

Its not so much the words or objects but the associations and images they link to which gives me reactions down there and in my chest.

Anyway I was overwhelmed today by the strength of the reaction and hope to get back on track.

Wither way if its ocd then I have a life of torture ahead of me. And if its being gay then I will be forced into an identity and behaviours by my body.

[PolarBear]

Gay people simply do not react the way you do, ergo it must be something other than sexuality making you feel the way you do.

[Eric Dave]

I was reading headabovewaters posts and she is like me.

I really feel for people.with mental health problems. Its horrible. We should be.happy. i have my health and cNt enjoy my life.

Happy Chtistmas to all here.

[Caramoole]

Right Eric.....Let's not undo all the hard work you've done this week by getting drawn back into a debate, you've made a good start so back on track now and keep going