Saffie Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 I was admitted to hospital on Friday. Can't get on here much as. But I could not see this particular issue as OCD and they just said I have lost insight. I don't think so but anyway. Today the consultant said I was too ill for CBT. I really wanted to see someone who specialises in it to see if I really have lost insight or, as I believe, I did something wrong but am now obsessing about it because of extreme guilt etc. but they said therapy will not be considered until I'm stable. So going back on Clomipramine and Seroquel. Just thought I'd update those who have been kindly supportive recently. It's like being in a nightmare. Link to comment
battlethrough Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 I think there right,sometimes we do lose insight,youve pulled yourself up before,now do it again Small steps,get stable then you can start the journey of recovery,keep strong xx Link to comment
Saffie Posted September 1, 2014 Author Share Posted September 1, 2014 Thanks battlethrough. I mentioned to one psychiatrist that I kissed my brother again (a peck, not a kiss kiss) because I enjoyed the vaguely sexual feeling and did so before I could think properly. She wrote it down but didn't really comment. I want to tell them that this was not a checking behaviour but their main concern is getting me stable on mess first. I'm terrified of going to prison but I want them to know this was a real, enjoyable feeling, not due to any anxiety. Because that is not typical if OCD behaviours. I guess I'll take the meds and see what happens. Link to comment
Guest lily014 Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Ask about referral to an OCD clinic, if they say it is not an OCD issue than ask to see an OCD specialist to let them make the decision. Good luck! Link to comment
Guest lizinlondon Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Hi Saffie When I first went to get help with my contamination OCD they said the same to me, that I was not ready for exposure work. They put me on fluoxetine and seroquel. I was shocked because I wanted to do exposures. But I see now that they were right. I was not ready for CBT and doing exposures would have done more harm than good. I have still not done exposures but I am working towards them. Don't worry that you are not ready, everyone is different. Try and rest your mind and not overthink things. Relax and stay mindfull. Hope this helps. Link to comment
Saffie Posted September 1, 2014 Author Share Posted September 1, 2014 Thanks lily. I've done a lot of research and asked to be referred to specialist centres etc and they just won't consider it. Their view is that I am under their care in hospital and they know what's best. They seem to believe its all OCD talk but I don't. OCD is an issue yes, but I am also convinced this part is true and OCD is just making it worse Link to comment
Guest legend Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 had exact the same saffie , ocd is very powerful give it time you will get better just like i did remember ocd isnt called the doubting desease for nothing Link to comment
Saffie Posted September 1, 2014 Author Share Posted September 1, 2014 Thanks legend. I'm not doubting the incident, I'm obsessing over what I should do as such, suicidal feelings etc. apparently in severe cases OCD can slip over into borderline psychosis, which is more loss of insight than actual delusions. Right now I am either delusional (I don't think so) or they are not listening to the truth of the matter as they automatically assume everything I am distressed about is OCD. Very confusing. Link to comment
Guest lizinlondon Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Hi Legend It is good to know that you were in a similar position and that you recovered. It gives me some hope because sometimes I think I may always be like this. Especially since I have not even been well enough to start exposures. I will remember that you got better and that will keep me going forward. Saffie Try to rest your mind for now. The meds will help and the staff in the hospital will look after you. Once you have had a rest you will gain a new perspective on your situation. Link to comment
Saffie Posted September 1, 2014 Author Share Posted September 1, 2014 I am trying. Keep panicking and getting hysterical so they are trying to encourage me to eat a little and control the suicidal feelings. Thing is, when I don't worry about it for a while or fall asleep, I then wake up and it is clearer in my mind that I did it for sexual reasons. Then I fall back into hysterical crying and panic again because I feel so awful. I just want to be put down like an animal at this point. Death would be a blessing. Link to comment
Guest lizinlondon Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Try not to beat yourself up. You are not well at the moment and you cannot make judgements about yourself right now. Don't judge your thoughts. If it helps, if was true that you were a paedofile then you would not be beating yourself up over it. If you were a paedofile you would be out there abusing kids, and not in hospital crying about it. I am sure your brother would love for you to be well rather than punishing yourself for thinking you may have hurt him. I hope that this helps Link to comment
Saffie Posted September 1, 2014 Author Share Posted September 1, 2014 Thanks liz. I know he wouldn't have been hurt by a quick kiss. It's the guilt over the feelings and thoughts behind it. But you're right my head is a mess right now. Link to comment
PolarBear Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Don't be to eager to jump into some kind of therapy. This is a time to slow down and rake care of yourself. The rest will come. Good luck and take care. Link to comment
Guest legend Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Thanks legend. I'm not doubting the incident, I'm obsessing over what I should do as such, suicidal feelings etc. apparently in severe cases OCD can slip over into borderline psychosis, which is more loss of insight than actual delusions. Right now I am either delusional (I don't think so) or they are not listening to the truth of the matter as they automatically assume everything I am distressed about is OCD. Very confusing. yes similar to how i was The thoughts become so strong you actually believe in them, to the point of i had suicidal ideation Link to comment
Bodge Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 (edited) Sorry to jump in on your topic, but do you have any advice Legend on how you beat it. Thoughts seem so real sometimes it can be hard to cope with them, even though I know deep down they are not true. Edited September 1, 2014 by Bodge Link to comment
Bodge Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 (edited) ...meant to say hope things improve for you Saffie and you get some good support. Edited September 1, 2014 by Bodge Link to comment
Guest legend Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Sorry to jump in on your topic, but do you have any advice Legend on how you beat it. Thoughts seem so real sometimes it can be hard to cope with them, even though I know deep down they are not true. Knowledge really , and implementing the four steps from brain lock. I got accustomed to the idea that i will have bad thoughts , but theres nothing i can do about it , so worked at resistance of compulsions Link to comment
Saffie Posted September 1, 2014 Author Share Posted September 1, 2014 Also confused as to what constitutes abuse/assault. If an actual paedophile gave a young child a peck on the lips, I believe that would be assault as it is sexual to them. But I've been told it would not be by several people. Link to comment
PolarBear Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Also confused as to what constitutes abuse/assault. If an actual paedophile gave a young child a peck on the lips, I believe that would be assault as it is sexual to them. But I've been told it would not be by several people.A peck on the lips may not be sexual to a pedophile. You have no way of knowing that. Link to comment
Saffie Posted September 1, 2014 Author Share Posted September 1, 2014 Yeah I understand that. I mean if you knew (somehow) it was sexual or romantic to them. Link to comment
Guest legend Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Also confused as to what constitutes abuse/assault. If an actual paedophile gave a young child a peck on the lips, I believe that would be assault as it is sexual to them. But I've been told it would not be by several people. you are engaging with the ocd saffie , you dont need to Link to comment
Bodge Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Thanks Legend, I will get a copy of that book. Link to comment
PolarBear Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 I think you're trying to read too much into this, thereby proving to yourself you're a bad person. You're trying to connect a peck on the lips with abuse when that is a real stretch. It's a compulsion. Link to comment
Guest legend Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Thanks Legend, I will get a copy of that book. there is a link on you tube for the four steps , by jeffrey schwarz here > https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uixONPLVKEg Link to comment
Saffie Posted September 1, 2014 Author Share Posted September 1, 2014 I know. My belief system seems to be really distorted. It felt abusive so my mind sees it as a crime. I also read before that any touch with the intention to be sexual to the perpetrator is abuse. Even if its not obviously harmful. So a paedophile m Link to comment
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