How can I help my husband?

[Guest Clarabelle]

Hi there, I'm a new member looking for some advice on how to help my husband. We have been together for 9 years, married for a year and a half and have a 2 year old son. My hubby has always had his little 'quirks' as I called them, checking the door was closed (but not excessively), always checking food was cooked, making sure the cooker was off at night etc etc he used to laugh about it himself and I just left him to it. Over the last few years it has very slowly gotten worse, washing his hands a lot, but not too over the top, he's broken a key in the door, the oven temperature knob has got to be perfectly aligned, cutlery cleanliness was a big issue for a while too. We have been off on holiday together for the past two weeks and he has gotten so bad so quickly it is spiralling out of control. He has gone from being an amazingly hands on father to being unable to stand close to his son if he doesn't have freshly washed clothes on. He's washes his hands 30+ times a day at least. He gets so angry at me and my son if we touch him because he's scared that we catch his germs. He says he's not worried about catching germs himself only passing them onto us and worried we pass them onto other people. It's heartbreaking to watch this taking over him and I barely recognise him. I know he has lost control and I don't know how to help him. Should I be going along with some of his compulsions? He gets so frustrated when I wont wash my sons hands but I can't put him through that, especially when it's not necessary. My son cries when we go near him with a baby wipe now. I want to reassure and make my hubby feel comfortable and as relaxed as he can be on his own home but I can't keep upsetting my son too. He's starting to get depressed and wants to go to bed as that's where he can relax as he feels he's not spreading germs. Everything I say or do to try and help seems to just make things worse. I know it's the OCD talking and not him. I feel helpless. I'm trying to be understanding and supportive but I don't know how.

After a lot of discussion he went to the GP who has referred him to a psychologist and has given him propranolol 10mg twice a day and Sertraline 50mg once a day.

Any advice on how I can help him would be greatly appreciated. Sorry for the long post xxx

[SaraJane]

Hi Clarabelle,

Welcome to the forums. It sounds like you have an excellent understanding of how ocd is affecting both your husband and your son and yourself. It's good to hear that your husband went to see a Dr and is taking some medication. Did the Psychologist suggest CBT at all? If not it is def worth asking for. There are some excellent books that can help with understanding tackling ocd with CBT. I'm a long-term sufferer and a close relative of a sufferer and I thought I knew how to manage ocd with CBT until I read Break Free from OCD - since I read that book I'm making many many more breakthroughs in managing the ocd and can see a light at the end of the tunnel now and a way out of it. There's a section for family and friends in that book which my husband found helpful - prob others here can suggest other books too.

It is better not to offer re-assurance to your husband or to participate in the compulsions - having said that I know how hard that can be and I still find myself offering my other family member with ocd re-assurance before I've thought about it. It's natural to want to bring comfort to another when you can see they are distressed. It's a good idea to discuss this with your husband first - my husband and I talked this new approach of not giving reassurance or participating in the compulsions through first which helped us a lot. My husband did find it tough at first - he wanted to support me through the distress I was/am still sometimes in. My husband felt better about it when he realised he could still support me but with the different emphasis of supporting me in beating the ocd - he's done this with encouragement to tackle the illness or praise when he sees me not doing a compulsion, giving me a break from family responsibilities when I was feeling fatigued and overwhelmed by fighting the ocd or just sometimes a hug. As your son is getting distressed by the baby wipe then that compulsion may be a good place to start tackling the ocd from. Make sure you get plenty of support yourself and try and takes some breaks if possible - not easy with a 2 year old I know. There are other spouses here who can probably give you a better response than I have and hopefully others will reply soon.

Sara

[Guest Clarabelle]

Hi Sara, thank you so much for your advice, I really really appreciate it. Told my husband about the book you recommended and he's going to order it tonight!

He went to the GP himself on Tuesday who has referred him to a psychologist and the GP explained cbt would be beneficial so just waiting on an appointment. On Wednesday the ocd got even worse and yesterday it was awful. I phoned the GP again and this time I went with him and asked for medication to help with his anxiety. I wasn't in the good books I can tell you but I'm glad I made him go. He even thanked me for it last night.

I think you're right about starting with the baby wipes, ill talk to him about it tonight and try to explain that it's not that I'm not trying to help him and I'm not trying to be cruel but not helping him with his compulsions is what's going to help in the long run.

Thanks for your advice once again

Claire xx

[PolarBear]

SaraJane was spot on. I think it's important to tell your husband that he is not alone, that many people suffer from OCD and that for most people CBT is beneficial.

[Guest Sally44]

OCD is called the doubting disease. However it manifests itself there is the constant anxiety of doubt ie. am I contaminated, did I run someone over, have I done something to endanger someone else, is thinking something awful the same as doing it? etc etc.

So have that conversation with your husband when he is calm. He is involving you in his compulsions and then blaming you when you don't answer. That is the advice that he and you would be given if he was in therapy. He needs to get into therapy. He has to stop blaming you. Driving dangerously because he is angry is putting you and him and others in real danger.

[SaraJane]

Hi Clarabelle,

It sounds like you have a good doctor and some good steps are being taken to help your husband.

How is this week going? How are you doing?

Sara

Edited August 13, 2015 by SaraJane