pregnant and so frightened because of the ocd...really got hold of me

[misspixielou]

Ive had ocd for years and had cbt in the past which was succesful and was on fluoxetine. I was feeling good for a good while and me and my partner tried for a baby, gp took me off all meds and we were so happy and i couldnt stop smiling...

At 3 months i could feel the ocd niggling in my head about things and was aware that i was starting to slip, i tried to get help...more cbt. My cbt therapist wnt work with pregnant women so i have been reffered to perinatal psychiatric team and they are very good, put me on a new med and come to see me once a week.

I am due to have my baby next month and i am so scared, i feel because of the thoughts i am having and now the rumination of am i arent i a danger or capable of abuse (i had this ocd about 8 yrs ago and got to a stage where i looked back and thought what on earth was i thinking - when i was well)

Now my head is simply saying u are a 'p' in denial and ur baby is in danger etc...i cannot stop doubting myself and it is ruining everything, i am now scared it will ruin the bond with me and my baby as i feel i need to distance myself incase i lose control but he needs his mummy and all i want to be is a good mum and love him.

My cbt therapist will pick up treatment with me when baby is 6 months which is good so i am trying to do some cbt myself...

My compulsions are reassurance seeking verbally or online, confessing thoughts and avoidance and runination i keep finding myself ruminating but try to stop bring myself back to here and now.

When i am out its just 'u are a p' if only everyone knew what u are etc etc which obviously leads to depression and self doubt.....i know i am paying them so much attention.

I went online lastnight and researched 'p' found something that terrified me and made me feel like thats proof, they dnt want the thoughts either....

I just dont feel strong enough to do it, i feel like its ground me down to nothing and now even when baby kicks i feel immense guilt.

I am so angry that this has such a hold that i believe it.

Im now wondering should i face cbt and do it alone like this or am i pushing myself way too much just before i have the baby...or am i best being guided by a professional.

Any advice anyone could give would be great i feel desperate x

Edited October 9, 2015 by misspixielou

[PolarBear]

There's no time like the present to exercise some sound CBT principles. You can work right now to resist your compulsions. You can start telling yourself that they are just thoughts, not intentions.

By the way, googling like you did was another compulsion. Try to stop doing that.

[misspixielou]

Ive stopped keeping my phone on me, just keeping it downstairs as im constantly on it whether its googling, reassurance seeking. I went up for a nap and kept tossing and turning, ive woke up with physical anxiety and cant stop crying again, im sure the pregnancy has a lot to do with it as well...

I am just running round in circles and believing my worst fear. I was started on new meds a few weeks ago and the anxiety seems to be more intense, i think i feel exhausted from the thinking and anxiety that i have no idea how im going to face giving birthx

[Guest Allalone]

Just wanted to say I completely understand where you are coming from. I've recently had a baby and this is how ive been feeling too. It's the ocd but it's so hard to reason with yourself. I wish I could just turn the thoughts off.

[fefee]

I Hun, ocd is horrible and plays up wen we are most happy .

I had pocd to , I came off meds to have a baby and mental health really went down , I was in a bad way. Got back on meds at 4 months , doc gave me sertraline 150g never looked back and enjoyed the rest of pregnancy despite having many challenges , blood clot and c section . I now hav e a healthy baby boy with no side effects from the meds .

Have you heard of these charities ? Pandas , or maternal ocd? Brilliant and spealising in ocd mums to be and after.

I will help if need support to , all though I may be busy with my wee boy but try my best .

Good luck and get support , xx