snowbear

Hi Linil and to the forum. From what you are saying your boyfriend gave you plenty of chances to say no or stop, both before and during intercourse. He didn't force you at any point or force himself on you (the difficulty 'getting in' is normal if you are dry.) So it wasn't a sexual assault. That suggests your regret at not being more assertive and saying you weren't in the mood, combined with feeling 'assaulted' in the moment, has been playing on your mind and given your OCD something to work on. Your boyfriend sounds like a very caring and considerate person. It would be a shame to lose him because you listened to your OCD telling you he's a bad person. You have had lots of OCD themes in the past. Treat this the same way - don't engage with the thoughts and let it go.

Hi David, This must be very distressing for you. Sadly it's not uncommon for parents with OCD to be in denial that their children are being adversely affected. Happily, as the non-OCD parent there are things you can do to limit the damage. I'll warn you upfront that your partner won't like it - but for the children's wellbeing it's important to stand up to the OCD as earlier as possible and not to be dissuaded from that by pleas and threats from a distressed partner. You need to tell your wife what you are going to do first and ask if she wants to be there or not. Remember, it's not about whether she wants this to happen or not - just whether she wants to be there. Then you need to sit down with the children and explain that mum is not well. That she sometimes thinks things aren't safe to touch when they are, and that sometimes she behaves as she does because she's not well. Give examples of the trainers, ipad and post. You might like to have those items present at the talk and demonstrate that dad isn't concerned by touching them, even touching them to your face or touching your face and clothes all over after touching the post, trainers etc. Do it with a smile. Show them that there is nothing to be scared of. Tell them that mum may act scared of these things while she is ill, but that mum won't be scared of them either when she is well again. Tell them that if they aren't sure if something is safe to touch because mum avoids it, they can ask dad. And after the talk if you see any avoidance or OCD behaviours in the kids, tackle it head on there and then. Keep it simple and light. Are you scared to touch that? Shall we touch it now together, so you know it's ok to touch it? And then do so. If they get distressed then you'll have to accept they have started thinking in an OCD way themselves and are no longer just copying mum. Don't force them. It's about choosing the right way to behave because they understand for themselves there is no threat. Any OCD behaviours that persist in spite of your reassurance and demos will need to be sorted as a separate issue, same as you would if the child presented with OCD themselves. (There are books for parents and the charity runs support groups for families. We can put you in touch with them if needed.) Expect some kickback and resistance from your wife. Her denial that the kids are affected is how she squares it with herself to keep behaving as she does. At some level she'll be aware of how it affects them, and likely feeling a lot of guilt and shame which only adds to the burden OCD places on her. So you'll want to be honest with her and say the kids mental health has to come first, but that you know it's also not easy for her and you'll be there to support her too. But you can no longer stand by and allow OCD to destroy the family. Make it clear that the enemy here is the OCD, and you, your wife and the kids are fighting it together. This isn't family versus mum. Mum is not her OCD. What help has your wife had with her OCD? How much insight do you feel she has at present and would she be willing to engage with a therapist to get to a better place? Let us know how these initial steps go, and if you have any further questions just ask.

You're making a rookie error here - thinking it's either OCD or real. OCD is real. Trying to get around your anxiety just by labelling it as OCD is like saying, 'That's not a real fire' and then watching your house burn instead of calling the fire brigade. No wonder it's not working for you! You have a thinking disorder that is causing you great anxiety. The 'fault in the wiring' is the degree of anxiety is out of proportion to reality, and the interpretation of risk is unrealistic. I get it. But what you're actually saying here is,# 'I'm too scared to risk it being an over-reaction or faulty thinking on my part, so I'm going to respond with OCD rather than treat it normally like a real risk.' If you were treating it as a real risk, your response would be much less extreme. Can you see how that makes this 100% OCD, not OCD versus reality?

Hi Charlotte, Well done for getting her back under the CAMHS umbrella. I think they are so overwhlmed by numbers they say children 'aren't severe enough' just to push the workload further down the line. Aim for car/ school on Tuesday. Talk like it's happening, give her a chance to prepare for it mentally. It might be more than she can handle right now, but never assume something can't be achieved without trying it - that's when OCD wins. Going to school has huge advantages if she can manage it. Holidays leave too much unstructured time and that allows OCD to take over. If school really isn't possible for a bit, then home schooling / online learning is at least giving her something else to think about rather than allowing her to focus on the OCD 24/7. Let us know how things go next week, and good luck!

Hi Jayne and to the forum. We can certainly empathise. What help have you received for your OCD so far? How might we help?

That's a bit of a sweeping statement, Handy! It's an interesting idea, but doesn't apply to everybody who washes a lot.

Hi jo5, I've sent you a private message. Just posting here too to say you're not alone, there are people here who can and will support you, and to let other forum users know that the mod team are aware of your post. Hope to speak to you more soon.

I think anybody would! So reframe it - focus 'getting on with life' (even if I still feel anxious) In other words, don't make OCD the centre of your world. Put your energy into things that do motivate you, things you want to be doing. Then the fact it takes months rather than days to change your thinking, and countless repetitions of not engaging with your fears to get really good at ignoring the thoughts, won't faze you. Get so busy doing other stuff that OCD gets pushed out of the centre of things and back into some dusty corner you rarely visit.

Not proven either way, as far as I know. Some have normal levels, some low levels - same as in the general population. But I think there's enough evidence out there now to say with some certainty that whether an individual with OCD has low serotonin or not, the serotonin being low isn't the cause of their OCD. Similarly, boosting serotonin levels with medication won't by itself cure OCD, but it may help some people, particularly if there's an element of depression involved too. And then there's the fact there are lots of people with low serotonin levels who don't have depression, OCD, or any mental health issues. Which raises more questions than answers about what the full role of serotonin might be in our mental health. I don't think even the experts really know for sure. Maybe 'If taking SSRIs works for you great, and if it doesn't that's fine too' is the most helpful way to look at it. Leave all the arguments about cause and effect out of the equation.

Welcome back Adamski. Yay! In my opinion this trend is a backward step and sufferers would be well-advised to give such websites and therapists a wide berth. Labelling OCD according to the current topic you're obsessing about is an out-dated approach which shows a lack of understanding on how OCD works. There aren't lots of types of OCD There is only OCD - a thinking disorder where sufferers can obsess about any topic in the universe. Your aim is to recognise the pattern of thinking-and-response, rather than focusing on details around the past event and the feelings it generates in you. Whether the topic is a real life, past event, existentialism, excessive handwashing... whether the feeling is anxiety, shame, guilt, or disgust - it's all the same mechanism. Imagine if you had to re-take your driving test every time you switched to a different brand of car! Or had to re-learn how to drive from scratch because the weather was different! Once you've mastered the pattern recognition approach it's like having a screwdriver in your mental toolbox that you can use to fix your OCD regardless of why the screw has come loose. Brain Lock is still a recommended book. Not my personal favourite, but fine for those who like the way it tries to explain things. Have you applied what you learned from Brain Lock to this recent topic of past event/shame/guilt? Is it helping, and if not, where are you coming unstuck? How can we help?

Well... we may not consciously choose to have them, but intrusive thoughts don't just happen at random. They relate to what's going on in your subconscious - your fears, perceived threats, recent things you've seen or heard in the media, whatever is the current biggest no-no in society... and so on. Back in the 1990s lots of people had intrusive thoughts about HIV, in the naughties it switched to fears of being a paedophile, more recently it was fears around covid - whatever is topical and either unwanted or frowned upon by society at the time. We do, however choose whether or not to engage with them. Intrusive thoughts are universal. Everybody has them, and they occur frequently. They are a regular and normal part of everybody's day, not a big deal that only OCD sufferers get bombared with. The difference between someone with OCD and someone without OCD is how they respond to having the thought. So someone without OCD may think ,'Did I put my hand on the person's bum?... Daft idea. The things I think! Now, where was I, oh yes...' They choose not to engage with the intrusive thought and instead choose to think about something else. The same thought happening to someone whose OCD is a fear of acting inappropriately might be, 'Did I touch their bum? OMG What if...? Replay it, how close was I? Can I remember touching them? Better follow them and check they don't look upset. What if... ... etc. Their fear of doing wrong means they want to engage, want to check, they want the certainty of knowing they've not done wrong. So they choose to engage with the intrusive thought and ruminate on it. They choose not to change the topic immediately, hoping to resolve the issue first. When you're caught in the OCD cycle of fear and rumination it can feel automatic and beyond your control, but you always have the choice of what to think about, what you want to focus on. So therapy can consist of changing your behaviour (choosing to think about or do something else) and changing how much value you put on getting answers/ certainty/ avoiding your fear so that when an intrusive thought pops into your head you don't want to engage as much as before. 'Wanting' it less makes 'choosing' easier. It's very important not to confuse being told 'it's a choice' with ideas about 'doing the right thing'. That's where people become resentful or guilty or ashamed if they happen to be struggling to refocus and disengage. If someone is struggling not to engage with their intrusive thoughts that is simply a reflection of where they are at in their OCD recovery journey at that moment in time, NEVER a reflection on them as a person. There's no shame or guilt attached to wanting answers/ certainty/ wanting to avoid feeling anxious etc. Everybody wants that! People without OCD simply value the answers a bit less, so are more willing to let things go. They choose to put their energy into getting something that they want more (such as getting on with their day.) They don't choose that option because they are stronger-willed, better, more capable people. They choose it because they value getting on with their day more than they value resolving any intrusive thought issues. There's no shame or guilt in being at the stage where refocusing is still a struggle. There will be reasons why you're finding it hard, and a good therapist will help you uncover those reasons and challenge them head on until you are able to refocus at will. So, yeah, it is a choice. It's always 'a choice' what to focus our thoughts on. Just don't confuse the fact it's a choice with the idea that what you end up thinking about is a moral issue or a reflection of a weak character etc. They are totally different things.

My first thought on seeing the photo is 'Which slab is he bothered about?' It may be very obvious to you, Phil, but to me it all looks perfectly normal.

That sounds quite hopeful. Not long now until the exams are over, and maybe then you can work on getting her back into therapy. Good luck!

Do you know what she dsoes in her room James? How does she occupy her time? OCD loves idle hands and an idle mind - it quickly fills the time available with rituals or compulsions. Try to encourage her to spend more time doing something useful/ constructive that forces her to set the OCD aside for a bit, if you can.

Although you may think you're disregarding it, as @PolarBear said, it's likely you're doing some sort of compulsion. For example, every time you think of the Feared Thing, you probably think to yourself 'that's my Feared Thing' and that reaction is engaging with/ paying attention to whatever it is. Every time you call it my Feared Thing (using capitals instead of just naming it - you send a signal to your brain 'that is something I need to be careful around/ fear is appropriate.' These subversive compulsions (that you may not even realise you're doing) guarantee that you'll feel anxiety again the next time you get triggered. And the next, and the next. So it's definitely OCD. The anxiety will go down - when you genuinely stop reacting to the thing that is triggering you. That means stop treating it as anything out of the ordinary. Name it. Shrug at it. Take away the power you've given it to scare you and hold you hostage. When you go from Feared Thing to '... I didn't even notice that was there! Oh well... ... that's when the anxiety will disappear. It takes a combination of cognitive therapy (getting your head around the fact that whatever it is really is just a normal thing and nothing to be scared of) and behavioural therapy (learning to change your behaviour towards the object of your fears so you no longer even react when it's around.)