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'Pressure' on thoughts


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Hello everyone. :)

I wanted to write in with a bit of an odd one. It's not unfamiliar, I've had it before, but I'd like to share.

I think my thoughts are all a bit tied up; today, I felt like I was being weighed down by something and I was having trouble communicating with people around me, trouble talking properly. I guess I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts, but it felt very strange, because I don't know if I was putting too much emphasis on the thoughts I was having. I'm a creative person and like to write and was trying too hard, I think, to 'shape' the thoughts in my own head into some semblance of normality that will leave me 'relieved'. It sounds very odd, but it kind of kept me from operating properly and it feels like a ritual. I wanted to know all was well in my head and that I was 'okay.' I often worry about myself and what I do in my spare time to take it easy. I'm often putting pressure on myself to write something and if I don't write one thing a day, I often feel I've failed.

I can get very anxious in this area because I can often get into dillemmas into my own head about what feels right and wrong for me; last night my head was racing, my heart was pounding and it was pretty unpleasant. I always question things and I wonder what I need to do to do what feels right for me and if I'm doing all the right things in the right ways. This isn't new; I've had this before and I know I can only do my best and not put pressure on myself. I guess I often worry I'm not doing a very good best. All these things can weigh me down with the questions and my own answers and it feels like I'm sweating the small stuff a little too much; I'm not focusing on the things that are important, it feels like, because I want to know all is well in my own world. Which is kind of mad, if you think about it, and rather selfish. I don't want to be selfish in my life and I just want to do what's right for me as a person.

I can often put pressure on myself to do one thing when I would much rather do another and this in turn can get mixed up my head. This is worrying for me, as it makes me worry that I have a genuine obsession with/addiction to certain things and I wonder if this is the case, could it be harmful to me as a person? I can worry a lot about the things I enjoy and when the OCD gets involved, it all gets so complicated and ridiculous and makes me worry for myself, as well as my own sense of self and my morals.

I do sometimes worry that I'm going mad, just a little bit. I had to really focus today to communicate with the people around me. It was very difficult and it was one of those days where it felt like OCD and I just wanted to sit down for a while, just rest, to gather my thoughts. I suppose not getting a great night's sleep didn't help, really and I was anxious about returning to work.

I also wonder if I'm grieving properly for my Mum. I don't think I've been doing everything quite right; I guess I'm looking for distraction, but I don't want to be not thinking about her and I don't want to just let the small, silly things take over my mind.

Thanks for reading; hope that makes some sort of sense.

C x

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