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Horrible, horrible Girlfriend.


Guest Mumf

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Hiya,

Never posted on anything like this before, but I thought it might be helpful to talk to some people who can relate, if possible. I'm not going to delve into a lengthy speech about my OCD, just sum up the basics and give some examples.

My OCD/anxiety is mainly focused around my relationship. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years now and I love him so much but I feel like I'm putting him through hell. I suffer in a really bad way from intrusive thoughts and then an overwhelming need to 'confess' them. Specifically the thoughts are usually insulting to him about his appearance (I actually just stopped typing for a few minutes because I'm so scared about what a b!tch I'm going to seem to everyone reading this). I've called him everything under the sun, whether it's "fat", "ugly" or even said how "out of his league" I am.

I just want to point out here that I genuinely don't believe these things, they just appear in my head almost like a reflex, and I then torture myself so much about the fact that I've even thought them. The only way to stop the torment is to tell him, because I feel that I need to let him know what a sick and horrible person his girlfriend is, as he deserves to know the truth about the person he's in a serious relationship with. I'll be honest, and I know it's selfish, but also when I 'confess' these things I instantly feel a sense of relief from the guilt of thinking them in the first place. However this relief is short-lived, because I then feel guilty for telling him and hurting him.

I hate myself more and more each day, because I genuinely feel like I can't control this, and it's killing our relationship. He is incredibly understanding (some of my intrusive thoughts on other topics which I've told him I would never dare repeat here), but it isn't fair on him at all and I can't stand myself for what I'm doing to him. When I've got myself into a state, I've tried to end it with him, purely because I can't bear treating him this way.

Another issue I have is the guilt I feel if anything even slightly negative is said about him by others. Earlier today, my friend asked if me and my boyfriend wanted to go to Alton Towers on Friday. I rang my boyfriend and he said he wasn't up for it because he had no money and thought it would be too busy. I mentioned this to my mother (who is the loveliest person ever and would never deliberately say anything offensive), and she went to me, "well, you know what he's like" (referring to the fact that he isn't overly keen on some of my friends), but I've just completely freaked out at this and can't stop thinking about it, and feel like I have to tell him that she said that. It literally was the tiniest thing, but I can't get it out of my head.

Looking at all this in front of me I realise that I'm coming across really weak and cowardly and that I just give in to the OCD as soon as it enters my head. But that's not the case. I genuinely do try my best to keep the thoughts and compulsions in but it drains me of all my energy and prevents me from behaving normally. I feel like I'm going insane and it's so scary to feel that you can't trust your own mind, and it's the worst thing in the world to act the way I am doing to the person I love the most.

After what I said at the beginning, I've gone and written an essay anyway haha. There's a lot more to it than this and to be honest, I don't feel I've explained it particularly well here but I didn't want to write much more 'cos then nobody would be bothered to pour through it!

If anyone has any advice or has experienced similar things then please reply x

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hello

this sounds very typical of ocd, and I can really identify with the angst you feel even though I haven't experienced this particular variant. I do obsess over tiny things that are said/implied about my partner and family, and feel the need to repeatedly ask the person who said it "what they mean by that" (I have a reputation for being super paranoid, lol).

Have you received any help for your ocd, such as from your GP/therapist? or have you managed to get hold if any self help books for ocd? x

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Guest gks444

I also relate to you. Unfortunately I have broken up with him now because it all got too much but I struggled because of constantly obsessing whether people approve of him (family/friends), not wanting anyone to say anything about our relationship or him, comparing him to past partners and how they made me feel, testing my feelings for him, questioning about him talking to other girls or when he wasn't with me at all.

It is super tiring having all this whirring around in your head at a hundred mph. And I wasn't aware of the relationship variant to OCD and still don't have a diagnosis but it just seems to fit. In the end I doubted how I felt for him; like I obsessed about it looking online for answers, having to search for a magic way to fix things and having to confess these doubts. I was in tears to him for most days. And I just couldn't hack it in the end. I hope that if I had tried to nip them in the bud when they all started that I would still be in the relationship and not have all of these what ifs going on. I feel like this thing is always gonna be there upsetting things for me. I literally can't function properly and enjoy myself in a relationship. And I don't know what to do.

I'm always here to talk to :)

All the best,

Gem.

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Hi everyone

Thanks a lot for replying, wasn't sure if anyone would!

I've had a lot of counselling over the years (I'm only 21 now), when I was around 16 I saw a counsellor for a couple of years for a sort of social anxiety which again was centred around relationships/contact with males. I used to freak out if a lad so much as texted me and feel really sick, sometimes to the point of being sick when I was out on a 'date'. It was a really tough period of my life as dating and talking to lads is such a normal thing for a girl of that age to be doing.

My current boyfriend changed all that. I met him on the first night of Freshers week at university, we became really good friends and eventually got together. From the word 'go' I was so comfortable around him and we had such a laugh together. I finally thought I'd conquered my social anxiety and would be happy, and genuinely was happy for the first year or so, and then the OCD reared its ugly head.

I'm currently on a waiting list for a CBT course. I had my assessment about 4 weeks ago but they only have one evening slot a week and because I work full time this is the only one which I can attend so I'm still waiting for that...after this week though I really am desperate to at least make a start in getting myself better.

He has been to stay since Wednesday and has gone home this morning. All the time he's been here I've been such a cow to him, and then I've been getting in a state because I can't seem to help it. On the Thursday night we very nearly broke up. My OCD just keeps telling me "you don't want to be with him" and "you'd be happier alone" and it's upsetting me so much because I don't know if what I'm thinking is genuine or not, I hate not being able to trust my own head.

I think he's getting sick of it now, and to be honest, I can't blame him. I managed to turn what was supposed to be a lovely few days together (he's doing a Masters at uni and I graduated last year so we don't see each other that often anymore) into a complete battle and ordeal and I can't forgive myself for it. Now he's gone I miss him and wish he was here but whilst he actually was with me I just kept thinking "I want you to leave" and "I don't want to be with you". I don't want to end the relationship, as I know that would be the 'easy' way out (although I have attempted to end it a few times now because it's just gotten too much to handle), but I honestly don't know how much longer I can live like this.

Have any of you experienced similar emotions? It's not trusting my own thoughts which is driving me insane x

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  • 2 weeks later...

i honestly thought that i made this post, you sound exactly like me, i mean seriously the exact same. i confess everything to my girlfriend just like you do, i even have to confess stuff like "i don't love you" when my ocd convinces me i can't love anyone, it makes me feel guilty like i'm hiding seriously important things if i don't confess and just like you i always feel relief when i've confessed, but at the same time i can't stand the fact my gf has to sit there and hear such hurtful things, like i don't want her thinking i don't love her, i want her to feel loved, but how can i sit here feeling like a deceiving horrible person if my ocd has convinced me i can't love her? and the relief won't last anyway because a new thing will just come up and the confessions just keep happening. it got so bad for me that i was confessing things every single day nearly every hour. i experience very similar emotions so i hope you feel better that you're not alone, i don't know what to believe anymore honestly, i feel like i have no idea who i am, what i want, how to know anything anymore because my head is such a mess.

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