Please could someone help me? I feel totally helpless

[Guest Madison]

I'm 15 and I've been suffering from OCD for 5 years now. I get constant intrusive thoughts about a lot of really stupid and weird things, and sometimes they seem so real, and they make me feel so guilty. I am constantly worried I've done something inappropriate to my mum, like touched her inappropriately or something, I know I would never do that, she is the most important person I the world to me and it's always been just me and her, but these horrible thoughts keep trying to convince me I have and I feel so guilty, and I start believing its true. It has gotten to the point where I am too scared to touch my mum, to scared to put 'Live you' at the end of a text. I have to keep asking her whether she was in my room last night, even though I know she can't have been as I live with my foster parents, have been living with them for one and a half weeks now, and I keep thinking/feeling like my mums here even though when I think about it I know she can't be, but still...these thoughts started like 9 months ago when I got admitted into a phychiatric ward, before that I was worried my mum would harm me or put poison in my food and drink, or put something on my clothes. I had to keep asking her if she had and then after I went into hospital my worried changed into me worrying if ive touched her inappropriately. I also constantly worry whether people are trying to poison me, or if ive gone into another world, when I wake up, or if ive turned into someone else.

The medications I used to take don't work at all for me, I took 150mg sertraline for like months in the unit, and that did nothing, then I took fluoxetine 40mg and that did nothing. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm getting refered to another CAMHS as Ive moved to another city now and its gonna take ages, I still haven't got an assessment yet. I feel so stressed and tired all the time and I honestly don't see the point tbh. I don't know how I'm gonna deal with school when it starts, I'm not managing to cope with my ocd/paranoia now, how am I gonna go to school and get my GCSEs? I haven't been to school for a year, coz I was in hospital, now I'm just getting really worried!!

Arghhhhh I don't know what to do!

[Guest Sisyphus]

Hello Madison,

Wow that's a lot for a kid your age to have to deal with. I hope your foster parents are good people. When you come through this maybe you can write a good book about it all?

I know how it can be having inappropriate or violent thoughts like that towards loved ones. It comes up a hell of a lot on here so I suspect this features in just about everyone's OCD to a degree.

I think it's about the cruelest aspect of it because some things should be off limits to stuff like that. Some things need to be sacred don't they. So it's very upsetting and annoying when it encroaches on stuff like that.

The poisoning thing sounds like a big pain in the proverbial. Without intending to belittle your problem, the quesiton about waking up in another world or as another person is actually a very interesting idea that I'll bet philosophers of science have pondered a few times. But obviously if it's an unwanted and recurring thought, well it's a different matter.

Have you found the meds reduced your anxiety much? And were you attempting any therapy like CBT while on the meds?

I guess you've got a lot on your plate with school work, but have you ever tried yoga or meditation? I know you probably think you're a bit young for those but people your age do them too.

It sounds like you're doing your best in a very tough situation that's not of your making. It sounds like you're doing very well to be honest.

I hope people can think of better suggestions than me, but all I would say is keep going, keep trying different therapies, and try to be as positive as realistically possible. It's a battle.

David.

Edited April 16, 2014 by Sisyphus

[Guest Madison]

Hi thank you so much for replying. Yeah I guess it is quite a lot to deal with, so much so I can't really enjoy the normal teenage things I'm supposed to enjoy, which sucks, coz all I really want is a normal life, or just even to be able to live one relaxing hour without OCD constantly nattering away at me.

Yeah I hope so too, they generally seem nice, if a little weird about certain things, but I guess I've only lived with them for a little more than a week so I guess I've got to get to know them first.

Yeah the poisoning thing is very upsetting, especially when people don't understand ns just think I don't trust them, it makes me embarrassed to tell them about things, to be honest.

No the meds literally did nothing for me, I was in the hospital when I was on the meds, and they provided me with little therapy. One therapist who tried some therapy with me it turned out she had no experience working with people over the age of twelve, and what she did with me was more counselling than CBT, and the other one who only had like two, three sessions with me before I left was very impatient and spent nearly all our time talking about phobias?!

When I was in the hospital I tried mindfullness, and it sort of helped me stay calm but it didn't really help with my thoughts, we did it every week and every time did the same thing, by the end of the eight months I was in there I was sick of it! Haha

Yeah it sure is a battle! One I'm losing though

Thank you again for replying, it's great to know there's support out here somewhere

Madi

[Guest Madison]

Hi thank you so much for replying. Yeah I guess it is quite a lot to deal with, so much so I can't really enjoy the normal teenage things I'm supposed to enjoy, which sucks, coz all I really want is a normal life, or just even to be able to live one relaxing hour without OCD constantly nattering away at me.

Yeah I hope so too, they generally seem nice, if a little weird about certain things, but I guess I've only lived with them for a little more than a week so I guess I've got to get to know them first.

Yeah the poisoning thing is very upsetting, especially when people don't understand ns just think I don't trust them, it makes me embarrassed to tell them about things, to be honest.

No the meds literally did nothing for me, I was in the hospital when I was on the meds, and they provided me with little therapy. One therapist who tried some therapy with me it turned out she had no experience working with people over the age of twelve, and what she did with me was more counselling than CBT, and the other one who only had like two, three sessions with me before I left was very impatient and spent nearly all our time talking about phobias?!

When I was in the hospital I tried mindfullness, and it sort of helped me stay calm but it didn't really help with my thoughts, we did it every week and every time did the same thing, by the end of the eight months I was in there I was sick of it! Haha

Yeah it sure is a battle! One I'm losing though

Thank you again for replying, it's great to know there's support out here somewhere

Madi

[Guest Sisyphus]

Hi thank you so much for replying. Yeah I guess it is quite a lot to deal with, so much so I can't really enjoy the normal teenage things I'm supposed to enjoy, which sucks, coz all I really want is a normal life, or just even to be able to live one relaxing hour without OCD constantly nattering away at me.

Yeah I hope so too, they generally seem nice, if a little weird about certain things, but I guess I've only lived with them for a little more than a week so I guess I've got to get to know them first.

Yeah the poisoning thing is very upsetting, especially when people don't understand ns just think I don't trust them, it makes me embarrassed to tell them about things, to be honest.

No the meds literally did nothing for me, I was in the hospital when I was on the meds, and they provided me with little therapy. One therapist who tried some therapy with me it turned out she had no experience working with people over the age of twelve, and what she did with me was more counselling than CBT, and the other one who only had like two, three sessions with me before I left was very impatient and spent nearly all our time talking about phobias?!

When I was in the hospital I tried mindfullness, and it sort of helped me stay calm but it didn't really help with my thoughts, we did it every week and every time did the same thing, by the end of the eight months I was in there I was sick of it! Haha

Yeah it sure is a battle! One I'm losing though

Thank you again for replying, it's great to know there's support out here somewhere

Madi

Hi Madi,

I'm so sorry for what you're going through kid. You're right. It's not fair, it does suck. I wish I had the answer to why some of us have this thing. I'll be honest - I find myself asking similar questions from time to time. The Hindus would say we've been given this condition as karma, a learning exercise, and that we will continue to get lives and lessons until we are complete. Well I'm not sure I buy into that idea just yet but it's one way of looking at it.

But whatever way you look at it, 15 is *way* too early in the game for you to say you're losing! I forbid you!!(relax I'm kidding).

But no seriously, you've got your whole life ahead of you, there's a ton of different therapies out there, and they're finding out more about this thing all the time. So you've got to hang in there and keep trying for the time being. Lots of people seem to overcome OCD. For some of them, it took a few attempts, some with meds, but they do overcome it, rewire their own brains. So if they can we can. Hope and a positive attitude is *everything* in life. I have seen the effects of a negative attitude with my father and his effect on my whole family. No good, this is not how life should be for anybody. Negativity begets negativity, people lose hope, bad things happen. Yet it has been proven time and time again, that the opposite happens with a positive attitude. So we have to aim for this.

I know that's probably hard to see at the moment. What you're going through with the fostering and having to deal with all this mind nonsense on top of school expectations is just a ridiculous amount to juggle. You can only do what you can do regarding each of those. You're not a magician. I tell you what though, when you come out of the other end of this, you'll most likely be more mature and clued up about life than your peers. Because you've already had an adult dose of life.

I think mindfulness and meditation are tricky for young people and old people alike. Well, the actual meditation is not tricky at all, but getting started and keeping it up seems to be the only tricky parts of it, but if you start and keep it up, it seems to have good effects. OK so for us we have the added problem of OCD thoughts intruding on the meditation. I treat it as a challenge, to refuse under any circumstances to engage the thought during meditation time. There are days though where it's just too overwhelming so I'll take a minute to quickly deal with it, then pick up where I left off. And you try again the next time and so on. I'll be honest, I started meditation last year, it became on and off, then finally in December I stopped. I keep meaning to start it again, but I'm in one of those times in life where there always seems to be more urgent things I should be looking at. But my perspective is clearly skewed/distorted because 1/2 an hour a day that will most likely have good secondary effects on my outlook for the day, is nothing.

Right sod it - I'm going to do meitation tonight. The first since December. I've decided. Cos I keep talking about it and not doing it.

As always I'll aim for 15 minutes but if I want to do more I will.

I'll light a candle, stick some background noise on - bamboo chimes - and just do it. Maybe I'll have a ton of OCD thoughts, maybe not - it always goes that way. good ones and bad ones.

So if a broken-down, world-weary old f##t like me can try it, then maybe you can? Have a think about it.

By the way, I know it seems longer when you're younger, but trust me Madi, the time from 15 to 18 F L I E S by like a rocket. So please try not to get too hung up on the foster parent thing. People are annoying - I know, I've met loads of them - so whoever they put you with there will always be something. Try and find the good in them, a middle ground, give and take. And try to just look on it as a very temporary arrangement and hopefully you'll be free to make some of your own choices after that.

I'm sorry I haven't got more wisdom. I've never experienced some of the stuff you described. But I've got nothing but admiration for you as I'm sure other people reading this have too.

I think I know what you mean about people not understanding and getting the wrong end of the stick. I've been paranoid about that kind of thing too.

Well at least you can vent here and like-minded(no pun intended) people should understand. Like I said to someone else, imagine having this thing 100 years ago when there was no OCD or books or help. Pretty grim. So we're very lucky in that respect at least. At least we can exchange info and tips or at the very least moan at eachother about what a pain it is.

All the best to you Madison,

David.

Edited April 17, 2014 by Sisyphus

[legalseagull]

Hi Madison. Don't give up on the CBT yet, even though you've had some pretty useless experiences with it. A good therapist really could change your life for the better. It's just a case of finding her/him. I can identify with what you said about not being able to enjoy the normal teenage things. Not that I'm a teenager now, but my OCD started at the age of 11 and pretty much ruined my life. That's why I feel strongly that you should carry on trying to get all the help you can to beat OCD. I would hate it if you ended up like me - extremely angry and bitter about all the things I've missed. My own fault for not getting help until I was 34.

David makes a good point about at least there's this forum to get support from. The internet didn't really exist when I first had OCD (ha- imagine that), I though I was losing my mind.

[Guest Madison]

@sisyphus I guess there is no real reason maybe it's just bad luck. I once heard someone say it might be a way of stopping bad stuff happening, if bad stuff has happened before and you haven't been able to stop it. Some people get depressed and give up. Some people cut. Some people starve themselves, and some people have OCD. It might depend on your personality too.

It certainly does feel like I'm losing though, though our right I am still young, either beat this thing or die trying I think is a positive way to think about it. I've often thought if I have this problem coz I'm being punished, but then I thought there must be loads of murderers and stuff out there who don't have it, so I'm probably just an unlucky person. Always have been to be honest lol

Today the foster parent kept asking me why I wouldn't eat the food in the cupboard she got for me, I felt too am barraged to tell her it was coz I thought she poisoned it, I was getting really agitated coz she wouldn't accept that I didn't wanna talk. Then the her husband stormed in a basically yelled at me, saying I shouldn't be rude to his wife and it was his house blah blah, which only makes my anxiety worse. Plus I wasn't used to being shouted at by a man, as I used to just live with mum, as my dad left when I was 7. So yeah, I tried staying strong coz my mum says you shouldn't show people your scared, so I just looked at him and said nothing.

I'm basically hating living here at the moment as hey don't understand at all about my mental health problems. I mean, I was in a mental hospital for 8 months for gods sake! And they still act like I'm just a misbehaving teenager...

Anyway, sorry for going on, I guess I needed to tell someone.

Anyway, a big well done to you for trying not to engage with the OCD thoughts, that must have been really hard. I've tried mindfulness and yoga but yeah doesn't really work for me tbh. Besides, I'm a bit sick of it tbh as we did it like all the time in the hospital.

Urgh not looking forward to becoming 18 tbh, all that stress of finding work and living on your own, seems scary..

I cannot imagine having this 100 years ago, that must have been horrific. Even now the stigma attached to mental health is terrible, but it must have been much much worse then.

Hahah you too. Speak soon

Madi

[Guest Madison]

@legal seagull I used to be really angry with Camhs for not giving me any treatment, and abandoning me last last November, but now I realise you can't rely on other people coz they couldn't care less to be honest. I've gotta start looking after myself, there's no point hoping Camhs are gonna help me like hey should do. They've obviously given up on me before they've properly tried. I had about 6 months therapy two years ago then they discharged me when things were getting bad, then I had no help for about 8 months when my OCD properly deteriorated when u couldn't even eat a lot of food and couldn't sleep then all they did was pass the responsibility to the hospital and they didn't come visit once during my 8 months at the unit. So yeah I don't really trust them tbh, have to just rely on myself to get better.

Anyway, hope you're doing okay, how are you now? Is your OCD getting better? It's good that you've got support now, hat something at least.

Take care

Mari x

[Guest Madison]

*madi x

[Guest Madison]

*madi x

[Guest Sisyphus]

@sisyphus I guess there is no real reason maybe it's just bad luck. I once heard someone say it might be a way of stopping bad stuff happening, if bad stuff has happened before and you haven't been able to stop it. Some people get depressed and give up. Some people cut. Some people starve themselves, and some people have OCD. It might depend on your personality too.

It certainly does feel like I'm losing though, though our right I am still young, either beat this thing or die trying I think is a positive way to think about it. I've often thought if I have this problem coz I'm being punished, but then I thought there must be loads of murderers and stuff out there who don't have it, so I'm probably just an unlucky person. Always have been to be honest lol

Today the foster parent kept asking me why I wouldn't eat the food in the cupboard she got for me, I felt too am barraged to tell her it was coz I thought she poisoned it, I was getting really agitated coz she wouldn't accept that I didn't wanna talk. Then the her husband stormed in a basically yelled at me, saying I shouldn't be rude to his wife and it was his house blah blah, which only makes my anxiety worse. Plus I wasn't used to being shouted at by a man, as I used to just live with mum, as my dad left when I was 7. So yeah, I tried staying strong coz my mum says you shouldn't show people your scared, so I just looked at him and said nothing.

I'm basically hating living here at the moment as hey don't understand at all about my mental health problems. I mean, I was in a mental hospital for 8 months for gods sake! And they still act like I'm just a misbehaving teenager...

Anyway, sorry for going on, I guess I needed to tell someone.

Anyway, a big well done to you for trying not to engage with the OCD thoughts, that must have been really hard. I've tried mindfulness and yoga but yeah doesn't really work for me tbh. Besides, I'm a bit sick of it tbh as we did it like all the time in the hospital.

Urgh not looking forward to becoming 18 tbh, all that stress of finding work and living on your own, seems scary..

I cannot imagine having this 100 years ago, that must have been horrific. Even now the stigma attached to mental health is terrible, but it must have been much much worse then.

Hahah you too. Speak soon

Madi

Oh Madi,

That's depressed the hell out of me(I don't mean that in a bad way by the way!).

Where is the good in the world I ask myself. Seriously.

Well thanks for the well done about not indulging the thoughts but I fell off the wagon pretty hard I'm afraid. And now I'm just a big babbling OCD loon like before. I dunno what happened - I seemed to be having a good patch there but no sooner than I started saying to everyone "hey look at me I'm having a really good patch" - KERBLAMMO - the OCD ninja got me. It's been rough since then. Got to try and get back to that place.

I did meditate that night by the way. So I'm happy about that. I went to again today and fell asleep ... badly!

I'm really sorry these foster parents don't seem to be very understanding about your problems. I don't want to stir things up but is there any process you can follow to report a problem with unsuitable foster parents? Cos you need a safety net surely? And is it totally out of the question going back hom with your mum? I'm wary that whatever I say here will probably be the wrong thing. Hope not.

About the being punished thing - I've wondered a lot about that too. I've heard other OCD sufferers ask the same question on here. I honestly think that's just what people going through bad times are prone to think. Magical thinking probably makes it worse for us cos we're always trying to make connections that aren't there. But I agree with you that it's just plain bad luck, not a punishment or anything else. But wanted you to know you're not alone in wondering that.

It sounds like you've been through the wringer kid. I agree about beat this thing or die trying. That's how I was looking at it too. Like I said to someone else, what else are we gonna do - it's the only game in town!

I really hope things start getting better for you Madi. It makes me sick and tired all the injustices in this world.

Take it easy kid,

David

[legalseagull]

Hi Madi. Some people really do have more than their fair share of **** to deal with. Unfortunately you seem to be one of them. Don't know what to say, it seems like a lot of people who should be helping you are completely failing. In a few years you'll have more control over your life as an adult and things will improve. You're right - you can't rely on other people, you have to look after yourself. You're a strong woman, you can do that. That's what I had to do growing up but I think I was luckier than you and didn't have as much bad stuff to deal with. My OCD has improved now thanks for asking. I really hope things improve for you soon.

[Guest Madison]

@david sorry about that! Just trying to be deep and meaningful lol

That's okay, what matters is you tried. And gave it your best shot. Sounds like you jinxed it! Once when I was little, the winter was nearly ending and my mum said: great, madi hasn't had a cold this entire winter, and the next day I had this really high fever lol.

Oh well I think it's supposed to make you fall asleep anyway haha

I don't know how to report a problem, when my social worker saw me yesterday, I told her about the way they were talking to me and stuff, and I said I was really unhappy there and she just brushed it off. It's really stupid coz the only reason I said I would rather go live with foster parents in the first place was coz I was scared of living with mum coz of OCD fears( I was given a choice) now they won't let me stay at home. Stupid social services...

Yeah I suppose everyone has problems, even if some peoples are bigger than others, everyone still has problems.

Thanks for your support though, it's great having someone to talk to

Hope things get better for you too, stay strong

Madi

[Guest Madison]

Some help please?