I've quit CBT therapy

[FoosBoo88]

Hi guys,

Today I made the decision to quite CBT therapy. It wasn't an easy decision and it's taken weeks of consideration, I realise for many of you, you are perhaps waiting for therapy. Whether it's low-intensity or perhaps more intense. I realise you probably think I've given up an opportunity to heal and recover from OCD, but please read on.

To start with, I've felt as though my therapist is not attuned to life. I've seen her every week (compared to most therapists who only see you once a fortnight) and most times she's set me exposures of 3-4 times for that week. The main one has been going to ASDA and looking at knives with my husband, and touching one if I feel like it. Sounds simple enough, right? Now let's break it down. I don't drive, so I depend on a bus. It takes 15 minutes to get from mine to ASDA by bus, buses are never at the stop, so let's say 25 minutes all inclusive. My husband works Monday-Friday 9-5 plus overtime then gets a bus from work for 10 minutes, so let's say he arrives at ASDA nearer to 5:30. I'd then have to meet him, go do therapy (let's add 20 minutes for that), come home (remember 25 minutes) and cook. If you said on average it takes 30 minutes to cook a meal, depending. We're not talking about eating until about 7pm. I don't know about for many of you but most people, including us, like to eat by about 6pm. I'm also expected to do forms and sheets to record my progress, so say two hours a day, that's about 8 hours a week I'm dedicating to therapy. Plus an hour to and from the centre and an hour in therapy on a Friday, that's 11 hours. I've also got to eat and sleep, exercise, clean the home, walk the dog, spend time with my husband..and RELAX! I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but it's surprising how much housework could get done with those 11 hours!

I was also told that I have to not worry about other peoples problems last week. Well, my Dad is disabled, my father-in-law has early onset dementia, my best mate is currently in Scotland for a family bereavement and asked me to look after her house, sure, so that one is a choice I made, but my wedding would have fallen apart without her, it's a fair trade, really!

And what about all the other little things? Like people laughing at me in the street because I'm a larger lady? I'm supposed to not listen to my music and ignore them. What about me? What about how I'd internalise those insults? How about if I listen to my music, I won't actually hear them to start with?! And STRESS. Oh my god, ever noticed that little gem? I was bitten by a dog this week, how do you think that's made me feel? Upset? In pain? Shaken? Yep. Felt like doing some therapy? Uhhh...nope! But she still expects me to!

The actual therapy place itself, for a start, is an old office building that has been hired out on a whim to save it from demolition, There are pictures hung on the wall which in no shape or form match or tie into any theme. There is no TV, radio, not even a magazine to read while you wait! The therapists are never on time, and the treatment rooms themselves are slathered in magnolia paint with a coffee table, two chairs and a bedside lamp. Chunky pipes run from corner to corner in the ceiling which grunt and gurgle through therapy. Hardly very relaxing, after all!

As for communication, well, there have been a few times I've had to call in for various reasons, once I had the flu, once I had a major panic attack and called to ask if I could have my session over the phone (which I was told she could do if I had a problem). Most of the time there was nobody at reception so I'd leave a voicemail thinking somebody would call me back, guess what? Nobody picks up the bloody message. I get a call saying that my therapist wondered what was going on because I hadn't attended therapy and it was a strike against me if I did not attend without communicating, I had to call 48 hours ahead (again, who knows 48 hours ahead if they're going to have flu or a panic attack?!).and when I do, still the message sits on the machine and goes nowhere! She also gave me a number to call which was supposed to be her own...guess what? It doesn't bloody work!! Oh...add to all this, the one time she DOES get my message, it was about my Mum not being able to attend my therapy (no idea what that was about, by the way) she says she thought I said my Mum could attend therapy, but I could not, and that I have a very bad phone line. Isn't it amazing how many other people can hear me as clear as a bell?!

Well, last time was the final straw. She looked me up and down and said that diet and exercise would help my OCD. I have genetic lymphodema. I can eat every superstore out of apples and carrots and greens and still not lose any weight. It's not what I eat, it's not what I do (ok, some maybe, but we all have a little something now and then!) it's the fact that because of the lymphodema, I'm a bit bigger than I should be for how much I do and how much junk I eat. It's not my fault and she's there to deal with my head, not my BMI! I know that minerals and vitamins can help mental health and I know sleep and exercise can improve things, I don't eat takeaway or microwave meals and I do stay reasonably active. Maybe it's just me, but I thought it was quite unprofessional of her to play dietician!

So that's my story...needless to say, from now on I will be depending on the support of people who aren't professionally trained!

Rant over folks...I just had to get my experience off of my chest!

Cheers for reading

FoosBoo88 x

[Hal]

Hi Foos,

I guess you're right, you could get a lot of housework done in 11 hours, but............and I know this might not be what you'd like to hear, but, surely, shouldn't you and your health be the priority here, not the blimmin' vacuuming.

I don't want to freak you out here, but unless you're incredibly lucky OCD rarely if ever resolves itself on its own and it can and unfortunately does have a nasty habit of getting worse, it would be much better to tackle it now rather than a few years down the line when it may have become more entrenched.

I'm not sure if you were seeing someone through the NHS or privately but either way, if the ERP exercises weren't practical your therapist really should have helped you work out a better way to approach the exercises that fitted in with your routine, did you mention your concerns and how impractical it was?

I know it has to be your decision, but I really hope you reconsider.

Hal :original:

[FoosBoo88]

Hal, yes I did tell her that it was impractical and she just sighed at me. I told her quite a few times that I'd only been able to do my exposures two or three times rather than four and that was rarely enough for her. You are right that I should take priority, but my husband works full-time, I don't, I also owe it to him that I keep the home clean and tidy and I'm not doing the cleaning and vacuuming when it should be our time. As of late I have been, because I've been doing therapy when I could be doing the ironing.

As far as recovering from OCD goes, it's an objective for sure, but I firmly believe with the support of my family and friends I can go forward. I have workbooks from therapy I can use so I can break down my thoughts, I can set myself objective goals and not give in to my OCD. Unless I can find a better therapist on the NHS, it's the only option I really have. I've asked for me to be put back to the referring consultant, so I've not said I want out entirely, just that that firm is not working for me. I was receiving therapy through the NHS (no way I can afford to go private!) and I did feel as though I was being rushed through the system, private therapists may be better, I don't know, unfortunately I can only do or try what the NHS has available for me.

EzioAuditore, I'm sorry to hear you think of my concerns as excuses but they are the problems I have had with my therapy. I have attended 7-8 out of 10 therapy sessions so I did give it a fair chance. The real push for me was the blame game with the communication. Time management was stressful, but being criticized and blamed for not calling when I had left a message on the answer machine at least 2 hours prior if I could not attend was quite upsetting. The other issues I raised, perhaps, were more insignificances that made me feel that the organisation was not particularly well run. As mentioned, I depend entirely on services of the NHS, I do not have the choice of trying out other therapists.

FoosBoo88 x

[Ashley]

EzioAuditore, I'm sorry to hear you think of my concerns as excuses but they are the problems I have had with my therapy. I have attended 7-8 out of 10 therapy sessions so I did give it a fair chance. The real push for me was the blame game with the communication. Time management was stressful, but being criticized and blamed for not calling when I had left a message on the answer machine at least 2 hours prior if I could not attend was quite upsetting. The other issues I raised, perhaps, were more insignificances that made me feel that the organisation was not particularly well run. As mentioned, I depend entirely on services of the NHS, I do not have the choice of trying out other therapists.

Hi FoosBoo,

Firstly let me say that it is not our place to tell you what you must do, and I think we all have to respect the decision you have chosen, but like the others I feel you have made the wrong choice and I would implore you to reconsider.

That said, it could well be that the therapist is not right for you, so another therapist who you feel more at ease with would help, you do have a choice to be asked to be referred up the ladder to someone else. But by the same token, you need to put the effort into therapy for it to work. So what if it means taking bus rides or whatever, if that's what we need to do to get better, then so be it.

If OCD is a problem in your life, then putting in 10 or more hours a week should not be an issue if it is towards helping you recover. Sure some weeks that is not practical, but we should be putting in the hours if that what therapy dictates.

Like I said, your choice, but I seriously recommend you try again, and based off your location, having therapy locally on the NHS could be helpful after the next course of 10 sessions because if you are still no better, you could ask to be referred to the Bristol Specialist Anxiety service.

But, specialist or local IAPT you have to want it Foos, and you have to want to put the hours in if that is what therapy dictates. It's worth it for a life without OCD.

[FoosBoo88]

Hi Ashley,

I completely understand where you are coming from and like I've mentioned previously, I've asked to be referred back with hope to trying a different therapist/service. One-to-one therapy definitely worked better than group therapy, but I still found my therapist did not take into consideration the other matters in my life, including disability.

As far as putting into therapy goes, I have always been willing to put in to my therapy. Travel however is/was an object for me as bus tickets were setting me back £80 a month to do my therapy. I know for some that's not a lot of money, but for someone with long-term disabilities that is quite a chunk. I did ask my therapist if I could just buy a knife and work up how long I exposed myself to it (thus saving money on travel and time travelling) but she refused as she was worried I'd harm myself with it. I will of course talk to the consultant more when I go back about the problems I faced. Again, as I've mentioned before, the communication barrier was also very damaging on the patient-therapist relationship as I took the blame for the lack of communication when the problem wasn't on my end.

I will certainly take your advice into consideration and bear that in mind. I want to recover, it's just that I've found particularly in the past few weeks I was becoming subjected to lots of talk about misled messages and training days and not a lot of therapy. I will see what is recommended and take it from there.

Additionally, I've also had a good chat with hubby tonight about what I want and how I think I can go forward. I've taken a lot of useful worksheets away with me from therapy which I can and still will use. I hope that the consultant can find something else and I can find a therapist who can work with me within my limitations.

FoosBoo88

[Guest Mummyto2boys&agirl]

I really hope you have made the right decision for your sake.

I have just read your thread a little apprehensive as I've waited 8 months (will be 9 months by the time it starts) for my cbt a and this is the 3rd time I've asked for it the last two times I was on the list over a year then removed as I wasn't a priority.

If I'm honest just from what you have said (obviously this is all I have to go on as we can not put every tiny detail in a thread) your heart doesn't seem in it and it does seem that you have not gelled with your therapist and now everything annoys you?

Personally I see where you are coming from with the house work it's your job as your husband works BUT I am a stay at home mum with 3 children under 5. I have one at school and one at nursery (part time 2 days a week in preparation for school) so I have school/nursery run luckily they are at the same place but it is in a village 4 miles from my house. My choice as it was the best place for my children our catchment schools are awful. All 3 of my kids have a minor issue that causes at least one trip to the Drs or hospital a week. All this on top of your normal housework reading to the kids cooking etc. I will happily find 8 hours or whatever it is you've mentioned because I want to get better. I do not want to look back and remember that I had a clean house but was a nervous wreck. I don't want my children to remember a clean house I want them to remember all the fun we had. I have huge issues with contamination but even I know there are more important things in life than housework ... And this comes from someone that has a rota!!

I think for what it's worth your therapist was right to tell you not to listen to your music why is everyone laughing at you? So you're bigger than them so what? You know why it is and you're obviously working towards sorting it to the best you are able to. I don't think everyone would laugh at you. I certainly wouldn't. I think you need to find some self esteem you have a husband he obviously thinks you are attractive just the way you are. Beauty is only skin deep. I know it's hurtful when people laugh at you but really Hun it's them with them problem if they're doing that not you.

I hear you on the financial investment though £80 a month is a lot. Though I'd just have been blunt and said that I don't have the money can they think of another way straight up.

I hope you get something sorted out x

[Guest paramoregirl]

I get where your coming from. I can easly become overwhelmed when I have lots of stuff to do BUT in my opinion I do think you are making excuses and have to agree with Ezio. You have the luxuary of not having to work, many of us don't and have to do everything you said plus hold down on a job and battle their ocd. I really don't see what the problem is time wise since you don't work. A bit of housework and walking the dog doesn't take all day and does it really matter if you eat your dinner at 7pm rather than 6pm? Time to get real!

I think you should change therapists as you don't seem to be suited to your current one.

Edited April 19, 2014 by paramoregirl

[vintagegirl]

hun its your decision if you feel it was the right one then go for it! no one knows all of the details, iv never had therapy untill now iv had ocd since i was 12 and iv always beaten it without meds and without therapy! i had cbt this year it made me worse in some aspects and im waiting for more therapy to see if this therapist knows what he or she is talking about and doesnt just spend an hour talking about the anxiety flower! i mean 12 sessions of it was a bit much! keep doing the self help you have everything within yourself to beat this! i hope you find a new therapist who can help hun xx

[FoosBoo88]

Thanks guys,

I've definitely made the right decision for me in quitting therapy. I've spent time with my family over the past few days and even though I've felt angry at times I told myself it was just OCD giving me the thoughts. I actually picked up a vegetable knife at my Mum's yesterday. Not to harm anyone, I was stood between my Mum and my husband picking up the knife and talking about my OCD and how it didn't bother me at that time. I actually feel like I'm kicking it back in it's box. My Dad had therapy for anxiety (not OCD) and he said it didn't work for him and said it wasn't suited for life, which is what I've found. I'm getting along really well with the 4 R's this week, I'm pacing myself and relaxing more. I never thought I'd feel like I do, but I do! I'm beginning to see my OCD as JUST OCD!

In regards to not working, please be aware that I don't work because of lifelong physical disabilities and not my OCD. If I could work, I would. I have no pride or pleasure in being a housewife but I felt as though I was failing my husband because I was spending so much time at or doing therapy. Over this weekend, I've not been concerned about impressing my therapist, I've got pretty much everything done and I've been much, much more jovial in myself. It could be one of two things, it could be that my therapist was not the one for me, but it could also be that I was ready to fly and felt as though my therapist was holding me back.

Thanks all

FoosBoo88 x

[vintagegirl]

i totally see what you mean hun when i had cbt i was getting worse it wasn't until the dreaded day came that my therapy stopped and i thought i was doomed, to my surprise within 2 weeks i was 50% better in that short time coping alone the therapy was actually making me feel worse and more caught up in my ocd, im giving cbt another go because i have in mind maybe my therapist wasn't the right one but if this round of cbt has the same affect i wont be having any more therapy, i have beaten ocd so many times before alone with no therapy and no meds so i know i can do it, the fact is therapy isn't for everyone, its funny because all of the things they say keep the cycle going actually helped me kicked ocd;s butt in the passed, this time i decided to do it the cbt etc way and 8 months on i'm still struggling when in the past it never lasted more then 2 months! so im going to start doing what i used to, see how the cbt goes this time and take it from there, i'm also going to give some natural things a go like vitamins etc to help with how i feel physically.. im with you on the not being able to work, not saying anyone here thinks this way BUT i have come across lots of workers who look down there nose at me and think its such a good life not working, WRONG.. what id give to get out and work but unfortunately my partners disability prevents that, i hate being stuck in all day staring at the same 4 walls and as for house work that actually does pretty much take up most of the day especially with 2 little ones, i just only wish more workers realised its not all about sitting around watching tv eating junk food! LOL some of us literally cant work and would love too! its not easy working and having ocd i can imagine i really can but its also not easy not working and having ocd! and well done you on what you have achieved recently hun! xx

[grams88]

Hi FoosBoo, Hi everyone

I remember my therapist was saying that everytime I feel uncomfortable with an object that could be used as a weapon I should pick it up and hold it for a few moments. I try this when I'm in the kitchen once I start to notice where the kitchen knife or knives, the initial thought feels scary but after a while it tends to die down the thoughts.

I must encourage more of us to get into writing as this was something I started to do a couple of years ago as it helped with the ocd being able to talk about it.

I did decide to write a small book which got accepted for publication describing what life is like for someone with harm ocd. (Obsessive compulsive torture) is the name of the book.