keep going over things in my head

[Guest emleela]

i have to go over memories in my head and try to remember memories to every exact detail and its stressing me out so much, feel sick from anxiety trying to remember, its really stressful and upsetting feel like i'm going to explode how can it go away?? its like if i can't remember the past is deleted or it never happened so i panic and ave to go over it then count to 21 and tap wood 21 times, i know it sounds silly, but its so distressing

[Guest OCDelighted]

Interesting that you said you HAVE to because guess what?

[Guest emleela]

you mean i don't have to? i know deep down i don't but i can't stop doing it

[whitebeam]

emleema, I love your icon picture (or whatever it's called). For months I was like that lion, trying to cling on to life and to my sanity. In the end I almost let go and reached rock bottom and that was when my psychiatrist seemed to pull out all the stops. I felt in a way that nobody realised just how bad things were for me until this time.

[whitebeam]

i have to go over memories in my head and try to remember memories to every exact detail and its stressing me out so much, feel sick from anxiety trying to remember, its really stressful and upsetting feel like i'm going to explode how can it go away?? its like if i can't remember the past is deleted or it never happened so i panic and ave to go over it then count to 21 and tap wood 21 times, i know it sounds silly, but its so distressing

Going over and over things in your head is all part and parcel of OCD - it is the rumination which is a horrible aspect and can make your OCD take over your days. I don't know how to stop ruminating, i think maybe that's when you have to try and accept things and accept that you don't and may never know the truth of what happened. I think other people have talked about this on other threads over the months and years about this acceptance - and they can describe it better than I am doing.

[Guest emleela]

thank you, what you say about acceptance makes so much sense but something inside me tells me i must remember these things and i don't know why but i feel so panicky if i can't, been so stressed today going over memories its really taking over i felt like i couldn't cope with my baby daughter many times because it was so awful today and still is now that's why i came on here to try distract from the current memory i'm going over. but glad to hear your psychiatrist could help you in the end, i'm on a waiting list for specialist ocd therapy so i hope to have the same success as you, and glad you can relate to the lion king picture too! i actually found it when i searched 'HELP!' in google images!

[taurean]

i have to go over memories in my head and try to remember memories to every exact detail and its stressing me out so much, feel sick from anxiety trying to remember, its really stressful and upsetting feel like i'm going to explode how can it go away?? its like if i can't remember the past is deleted or it never happened so i panic and ave to go over it then count to 21 and tap wood 21 times, i know it sounds silly, but its so distressing

Hi emleela,

Here is some observations about OCD memories and rhe desire for certainty from my post to Saz on her thread, and I think they may help you.The part in "....." is an edited extract.

What underpins rumination OCD (going over and over things in our heads) is fear. So we first need to identify what is that fear in our own case upon which the OCD is feeding. In Saz's case it is that she did something totally against her principles and out of character (and that she and others would find extremely distressing) in an event a year and a half ago that she can't remember the details of.

It's quite normal in rumination OCD for the OCD to turn our normal characters on their head and try and tell us we have or could do something totally opposite. It is this that causes myself too enormous difficulty.

"And what's continually bugging you is what you just cannot have - the desire for certainty. And the more you give in to compulsive thoughts trying to get it, the more you will have vulnerability to OCD. And until you let go of seeking certainty, you cannot break out of the circle of distress that's binding you.

It's the paradox that OCD serves up - catch 22 - and until that paradox is noted and accepted, we remain stuck.

So please stop seeking certainty of what happened, and you can break the chain linking you to distress. It sounds simple, but its not so simple to do it when you've got compulsive OCD thoughts telling you you need that certainty - but those compulsive thoughts ARE OCD.

So, no need for any confusion is there? Its really quite straightforward. OCD is using the uncertainty of what might have happened to distress. You don't want it to, but by engaging with that uncertainty and ruminating and seeking answers, and re-assurance, you are continuing to carry out all the things that actually allow it to do this."

As I am sure you know emleela, using compulsive rituals to prevent something bad happening is not the solution, it actually just assists OCD in taking over more of our lives .

For these two issues you are declaring, i really think you will find the book i really like (and which is by my side now) "Break Free From OCD - Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder With CBT" extremely helpful. Its easy to read, full of assistance and templates to use for self-help.One of the co-authors is our patron Paul Salkovskis.

Kind regards

Roy

Edited April 21, 2014 by taurean

[Guest emleela]

hi roy,

thank you for your very informative and helpful post. what you say about fear and desire for certainty really hits the nail on the head and makes so much sense the way you explained it, i know deep down that the thing to do is not try to remember but as you say its much easier said than done but understanding why we do these things is a step closer to stopping, i will definitely get that book too.

thank you all for your support, so glad i found this forum and met people who completely understand what each other are going through,

thank you