Having Trouble Sleeping

[Purplepiper7]

Hello everyone. I'm sorry to bother you all, but I can't sleep and I'm supposed to be awake in less than two hours. Our family is attending a special service for Easter tomorrow. At first I was excited, but now I feel like I'm going to be sick. There are going to so many people there, many more than normal, and I'm just thinking about how many days (or lives) I could ruin if I'm not careful enough. I just know I'm going to upset someone, or at least, I think I will. The reason for which I cannot sleep is quite a strange one. Earlier today, I accidentally made my mom upset. As a result, I thought, "well now I'm not allowed to sleep tonight." I don't know where that idea came from, but nonetheless, I'm awake. I can't even close my eyes without thinking, "well I must be the most awful being on the planet." So I began to do my rituals (I know). First I couldn't stop reading, then I couldn't stop washing, then rocking. Now I can't stop tapping my feet, though I suppose it would have been an issue had I not started in the first place.

*sigh*

I guess I'll just lay here, wallowing in guilt. Guilt because I think I'm going to upset people tomorrow, guilt because I've upset people today, guilt because I don't think I feel guilty enough, and guilt because I feel so bad whilst living such a privileged life. I mean, I'm talking to you all through a smartphone for goodness sake. That makes me feel like evil scum. Heck, I AM evil scum. I'm so disgusted with myself. I'm a monster, a monster I tell you. I doubt I'll get any sleep tonight; it's almost 5:30am now. Ah well, at least I could get my thoughts out there. Thank you to anyone who reads this.

Edited April 20, 2014 by Purplepiper7

[Guest Tricia]

It really saddens me to read how badly you think of yourself. You know how I feel about you and OCD could not be more wrong.

I hope you did manage to get some sleep. I am thinking of you. xx

[Purplepiper7]

Thank you. Oh no don't be sad please, you've already got enough on your plate as it is (). I haven't gotten any rest really, but I'll be fine. Hope you're having a good day. :hug:

[felix4]

Hi Purple,

How's the quetiapine going with regards to mood & sleep?

I have been having an occasional read of some of your previous posts, & I too am saddened to see how you have such a low opinion of yourself!

It sounds to me like you have gone from being more sensitive than most toward other peoples feelings, & now at the point of being way overly sensitive! Furthermore, as a knock on effect, I would think that you are believing that you have upset others considerably more than you really have (if indeed you have!), & assuming things are far worse than they really are!

If this is the case, then it sounds like you really need to try & take a step back to & stop beating yourself up, because if the truth be known, any genuine 'upset' in others will be hugely short lived in comparison to the guilt & pressure that you are placing yourself under!

The thing is, if you are not very careful, then you may well have a minority of people seeing this sensitivity as a vulnerability, & use it to play on your emotions. In the right quantity sensitivity is a good value to have, but in the wrong quantity it could have bad consequences, & you may well end up suckered into a friendship or relationship with someone who may not be quite as genuine as you think, such as someone that thrives for attention & being felt sorry for, when it not entirely called for. (Does that make sense?)

All the best.

x

P.S You have an amazing vocabulary for your age!

Edited April 22, 2014 by felix4

[Purplepiper7]

Hello Felix. Yes you're completely correct. I honestly do like making people happy, so of course, I began thinking that I am always doing something wrong, making people upset, etc. The idea of causing people to feel bad sickens me, but that's exactly what I think I'm doing all of the time. Making people upset fills me with fear, and guilt, and a powerful distaste for myself that can only be described as disgust. I cannot tell you how many times I've gotten sick because I thought I was bad, too many times to count. I do have a habit of assuming the worst. I assume that I've ruined people's days (and occasionally lives), angered people, hurt people, completely destroyed events because I made simple mistakes, etc. I guess people aren't quite as fragile as I make them out to be, but it still worries me! I just try to avoid making people upset, but that's a lot harder than it sounds, especially if a slight change in someone's tone causes me to believe that I've ruined their day. Stop beating myself up? I must admit that that's a very difficult thing for me to do (i.e; not beat myself up over trivial matters). As soon as I think I've made someone upset, I begin hating myself (you know, more than normal). I tend to get angry with myself over every single possible way that I didn't act like a good person "should" act. I'm well aware that some of those standards are kind of bizarre, like not being "allowed" to be kind to myself, or never getting upset with anyone. I just can't bring myself to let go of them, because I feel inordinately guilty if I deviate from those rules I've set up in any way, shape, or form. Of course, I know that I won't be able to just throw them in the river and be done with them, but after six months, I still begin trembling uncontrollably when I have to say something "nice" to myself. I can do it, if asked, but at the same time it's much easier because I feel I've been given permission. I do it like I'm ripping off a bandaid. I say or type it quickly, and I'm just kind of waiting for my stomach to lurch like I've just been on a monstrous rollercoaster. What you've said makes perfect sense, thanks for your concern. People do that to me, and often. They tell me that they'll feel bad if I don't do something for them, and I'm like putty in their hands. It's been like that for years. The earliest incident I can remember, was some girl telling me that I'd made her stick a needle in her eye. I didn't know she was kidding, so I erm...got sick (we'll leave it at that). Needless to say, they all figured out pretty quickly that I was not only gullible, but would do nearly anything if it would stop someone from feeling bad. I was stupid enough to explain to them why I acted the way I did, but in my defense, I was only six. There are/were bullies around every corner, waiting to send me on my own personal guilt trip! Re the quetiapine, I do find that it helps lift some of the depression, and I am thankful for that. I don't think I was affected by the "tiredness" side effect, because I didn't sleep at all last night either, but I'm wide awake! Well, actually, I'm not "wide awake," but it's pretty obvious that I'm not going to fall asleep anytime soon. That may be because I'm so anxious though. It helps a bit with the intrusive thoughts too. They're no longer almost constant, but they're the same in intensity. Now that I'm not completely incapacitated by them, I'm going to reread a few self help books and see if I can actually retain the information this time! Thank you for your kind reply, I hope you're doing well. :group: