Been stuck on one obsession for almost a year, really need some help (sexual obsessions/fear of past wrongdoing)

[Guest asfd19]

(just a warning: In this post I talk about some thing that could possibly have caused sexual harm to a child. If this is going to upset or trigger anyone please don't continue reading. the last thing i want is to cause harm or distress)

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Hi everyone. I used to frequent this message board several years ago when my ocd was very bad and I felt like I needed constant reassurance. I went through therapy and for several years I was coping very well, managing my compulsions and feeling good most of the time. Then, last fall, I remembered something that triggered me so badly I haven't been able to let go of it since then. I've been suicidal and deeply depressed on and off for months.

In all that time, I haven't confessed or sought reassurance from anyone. But I'm just so tired. I'm beyond not being able to think straight about it anymore.

I will try to give you the most concise summary of the memory I can without obsessively recounting every little detail. Several years ago, I remember that I was waiting in the car in the parking lot, and I was doing something sexual. At the time, it didn't even occur to me that whatever it was could possibly be visible from outside the car. It was probably something like squeezing my thighs together or rocking my hips in my seat. I don't remember clearly. Anyway, I looked up and suddenly noticed there was a child sitting in the car parked across from me. I was very distressed and triggered because I was badly obsessive about pedophilia at the time and my immediate panicked thought was that I "liked" this situation. However, I reassured myself that that thought was just my ocd, and brushed it off.

Then, three years later, I suddenly remember this incident. The possibility suddenly occurred to me that the child could possibly have seen that I was doing something sexual in public. I just feel numb typing this right now but for months I've been distraught, horrified, filled with intense shame and guilt over the possibility. I obsessively try to "recreate" what I was doing to make sure it wasn't visible. (I don't think anything noticeably sexual was, but again, I can't know that for sure.) I checked an entire year of my local police records to see if anyone reported something like what I remember. I try to figure out which of my friends wouldn't want anything to do with me if they knew what had happened, and who, if anyone, would be able to forgive me.

Right now, I keep obsessively worrying that if I went to see a therapist or psychiatrist, they would be legally obligated to report me for child abuse. I've obsessed over all of this so much I can't tell if my worries make sense anymore. I realize this is reassurance seeking but I've just reached the point where I really need some help.

[frankie]

Sounds very ocd to me , you were a young person ? I doubt any doctor or therapist would report you for something like this ........although I am in the UK , not states so don't take my word for it ......have you spoken to your doctor about this ?

Are you on meds or therapy for ocd ?

Google Fred penzel articles , he is based at West Suffolk , Huntington, new York , that will take you to some articles on sexual obsessions

[Guest asfd19]

I was probably 19, maybe 18. So, young, but definitely old enough that I should have known better.

I've been on SSRIs for years, and i went through CBT years ago too. My school psychiatrist also prescribed me antipsychotics this year when my anxiety was too much to deal with and I'm still on those. I just told her I had bad OCD and it had gotten much worse and I was suicidal, not what I was actually obsessing about.

I'm haven't really actually talked to any doctors or therapists, partly because of my paranoia about being reported. I feel like I just can't risk doing that to my family, especially since getting the police involved wouldn't do a thing to make anything better or repair any harm I might have caused in this situation. Earlier in the year the OCD part of me wanted to go to the police myself but I came the the same conclusion: it just wouldn't do any good.

I've been able to deal with so many obsessions, but I just can't seem to shake this. I rationally see that like with all OCD stuff, it's just a slight possibility and not a reality. It's just that this possibility is so so horrible I can't bring myself to accept it or move on.

Edited May 8, 2016 by asfd19

[frankie]

I fully understand my friend

I think you are probably doing the right thing , stay on prozac or whatever SSRI you are on , stay on the meds , don't go into detail with the doctor and accept you are a normal human being and we all do things we can't explain or terrifies us

My view is this sort of thing will always be a tiny part of your memory but over time it will come and go at times of stress but it won't always be on your mind and you will have much peace and good time in your life ......you are certainly not a child abuser or you wouldn't be on here but I fully understand you being worried about opening up too much , so don't

That's just my opinion

[Guest asfd19]

I guess so. I don't really understand what you mean about "I can't be a child abuser or else I wouldn't be here." I don't feel like my having OCD about it now changes what happened. It just makes it so I can't think clearly about how bad it really was?

I just feel awful about the idea that I can't talk to a therapist about whats bothering me for fear of being reported. It makes me feel like what I've done is so bad that I don't deserve help. Maybe that is just the compulsion to confess talking, I don't know.

Anyway thank you for sharing your thoughts. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this for so long and I really appreciate it.

Edited May 9, 2016 by asfd19

[frankie]

You are welcome , you take good care of yourself

[Guest asfd19]

I would really appreciate anyone else's perspective/advice, too. I still feel really awful and confused about the whole therapy thing. I don't know whether talking to someone about all this is an option or too big a risk or if I'm just selfish for wanting to feel better about something so awful in the first place.

Edited May 9, 2016 by asfd19

[Guest asfd19]

I just feel like it would be such a relief to just have someone I could talk to about all this and get everything off my chest.

I can't talk to my friends or family because I don't want ocd to mess up all my relationships like it did when I was always reassurance seeking, but I don't think I can stand the idea of just keeping all of this inside forever. I guess I just don't feel like I will ever be able to move on from this without reassurance.

I'm sorry to keep replying to my topic but this is the only place I can think to go to talk about this.