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Is it time to call it a day?


Guest bluelion

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Guest bluelion

My husband has OCD. It has become severe over the last 3 years following a nervous breakdown. We have 2 children together aged 7 and 9. We are all involved in his rituals, which has resulted in myself and the kids becoming very resentful towards him. I now cannot bear being within the vicinity of him. Every time he asks me to do something for him, I lose my temper and a shouting match ensues.

He believes that our house is contaminated by someone he used to work with, who he perceived to have negative traits. Therefore, there is a very elaborate amount of hand washing undertaken by the both of us (him to clean himself, me to turn taps on, hold shower gel whilst he washes, gets dressed / undressed, touching doors, light switches - everything that I touch basically) as well as walking forwards and backwards, undoing whatever it is he is trying to undo. He needs me to do everything for him. I work full time, have 2 kids to look after and I am studying for an Open University degree. I can't keep on like this. It takes him 2 hours to get out of the house in the morning, and the same in the evening. This is when I should be looking after our kids, not his OCD.

Somehow, he is holding down a job. At the moment he is non compliant with his CBT sessions, psychiatric appointments, and his medication, as he currently has contamination issues with his car, so he can't drive it. I have had no support from anyone, the mental health team are only interested in his problems. My GP was useless. Social services have been involved because of the children, but they don't understand.

I feel like a complete failure. I don't love my husband any more. I am merely a carer, not a wife. I need to start putting myself and my children before his OCD, but I am so frightened. He will not make things easy for me, and is already using the kids as a tool to keep us all together. He called me all the names under the sun last night when I started shouting at him because he was making me go up and down the stairs BACKWARDS to undo whatever it was that was bothering him. He stayed at his Dads last night. The kids went with him - it was their choice as he said that he wouldn't be able to see them for a week otherwise. Obviously the kids were very distressed, and my husband laid all the blame on me, saying I caused this.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

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Wow. Not a good situation you are in. Your husband, by the sound of it, has severe OCD with some very complex rituals that need to be performed.

You should not feel like a failure. It's not your disorder. It's his. It's not your fault if he doesn't seek help and do the work to get better. And he sure as heck shouldn't be holding this all over your head. That's not fair.

One of the steps to overcoming OCD is the family getting better and deciding together that the family will no longer perform rituals on behalf of the sufferer. It's a big pill to swallow but it must be done. A sufferer cannot get better if he continues to involve other people in his rituals.

You may have to draw the line, tell him you will not do them anymore and stick by your guns.

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Guest Sally44

My situation is different as I am the parent of a teenager with OCD. Yes he has tried to get me to complete his rituals, but I refused. That initially caused him alot of anxiety, until he just accepted it.

It does affect the whole family. He is currently on a part-time timetable for school. I find it hard to work. It is affecting the money coming into the house. It is affecting our business - we are both self employed trying to run a family business.

You will have to stop being involved in the rituals. And also the children. You don't have OCD, he does. Stop making his OCD compulsions normal behaviour. It isn't. OCD is irrational. It is so hard having someone with OCD. Try to remember that this is a mental health disorder. Your husband doesn't want this. But he is not accepting help, which is hard to get anyway. And there is virtually nothing for families in terms of help or support to help us know what to do and what not to do.

As you have probably already worked out. There is no amount of rituals, cleaning, compulsions, thinking or undoing that will satisfy the anxiety. The anxiety/obsession is never fully satisfied with what is done. It is never over. It is never resolved. The doubt and fear is never appeased for long - and then it starts all over again.

Those with OCD really need the help and support of therapy and sometimes medication as well. But they have to want to get better and the thought of having to stand up to your fears is hard to do, but must be done. OCD is like somekind of cartoon monster that feeds of fear. Starve it of that fear and it slowly becomes weaker. And the way to reduce fear is to sit with the anxiety and not do anything about it. Don't try to undo anything. Don't complete any rituals. Just sit with the anxiety until it goes away. And that has to be done time and time again for a long time.

And to the person with OCD those fears are real. We don't understand or get it because we don't have OCD. But their fears are very very real to them, that is why they try so hard to avoid the outcome they are dreading and so fearful of.

What do you feel are your options?

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Guest bluelion

Thanks guys. Like you said, there is very little in terms of help, especially for carers. No one ever explained to me what to do and what not to do. Unfortunately it just seems easier to perform his rituals, and as time has gone on, these have increased. Its now so bad, that if the rituals aren't performed by me, he will have to chuck everything out of the house, re-sand and re-carpet the floors etc etc.

I feel that there is no other option but for us to separate. When he was screaming abuse at me last night I felt nothing. Its got to the stage whereby I cannot be civil to him, and want to physically hurt him. That makes me feel terrible, as all he is guilty of is having a mental illness, and of loving us too much. But as a result of the OCD, I no longer love him, or want to be around him. It's such a desperately sad situation, but like I said, I need to put the needs of myself and the kids first. So I guess I'm just going to have to brave.

Edited by bluelion
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Ive looked back at your previous posts and I know earlier in the year you were having the same concerns and they appear only to have got worse.

Yes he does have OCD and of course it is causing him to be terribly afraid, but it is no excuse for abusing you and the children and any sufferer will tell you that. Only you can decide what is best for your family, but what you dont want is in 10 years time to look back, probably being in a worse situation than now and wishing you had done something to protect your children from all this. Unless of course he is prepared to stop involving you in his rituals and work hard to get them under control.

Could you at least ask him to go and stay with his father for a while, to give yourself time to think? Does his father know about his problems?

I hope you are able to take some time to think carefully about what is right for you all.

Carol

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Guest Annabel

Hi Bluelion,

Unless the issue has more to do with his personality than his illness I wonder if there's any way that you two could take a temporary separation? Perhaps if that forces him to start complying with treatment then he might start to get better and you might fall in love with him again.

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Guest bluelion

Thanks for the replies. Just to update, tomorrow my husband is being admitted to hospital if he is willing to go, or he will be sectioned. Alternatively, social services will put into temporary accommodation so he is away from myself and the kids. I managed to contact his care team today and explained everything that has been going on, and we are all in agreement that he is becoming a danger to himself.

This is the most horrible situation that I have ever been in, but I have to accept that I cannot give him the help that he needs. HIs demands are not fair on me and the kids, and most importantly, he needs proper treatment so he can regain some control over his life.

Wish us all luck..... :sweat:

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Guest sophie13

Good luck! No, it is not fair for you to live like that. I have OCD and I am concerned that people arond me are hurt... so I try hard to not hurt them and get better. I hope your husband gets help. Do not feel guilty that you thought of leaving him. It's ok to think like this when things get bad!

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There is no illness that rips families apart like OCD. Those who make jokes about OCD need to read threads like this.

It becomes almost impossible to separate OCD from the person when it's severe. I recall my husband giving me a look of contempt, many years ago. I asked him if he hated me and he took a little too long to respond. Eventually, he said, "No, I do still love you, but by God how I hate your illness." The trouble is, we can become our illness. We end up hating ourselves.

I agree about time apart and for the sake of yourself and your children, I feel your husband has to make some attempt at receiving help.

Whatever you decide to do, please don't feel guilty or say you have failed.

Have you heard of a book called "A Secret Madness"? It's not a self-help book (there are now many good ones which may be useful) but it's a lady's account of her husband's severe OCD.

Edited by Tricia
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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest Snowflake_pixy

Oh, sweetie, you have it very tough! I don't know how you haven't broken down from the stress of it all! You are a tough one.

How's things going? My husband is in the first stages of finding a therapist to work with him, but I wonder if it's ever going to work :-( His fears of germs are so real to him- I think he's just going to pretend and then back out of it all. There's been a lot of shouting here too....

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Guest Ivan Ivanson

I really sympathise with how you feel. Not only do you have to deal outwardly with all the symptoms that come along with your partners OCD and the knock on effect that can have on them, you and your family in general you (and by you i mean i) feel completely at a loss as to what to do for the best.

My wifes symptoms are really severe and i feel like i am the only person she has in the world to help her and at the samer time am concious that if i don't look after m,yself, and i go over the edge, then the kids have got nobody to take care of them.

My wife and i split over it earlier this year, we are now back together but things are still tough and we are trying to work through it.

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