OCD and narcissistic personality :-(

[Guest lucylia]

This is maybe not the correct place to post (although I've become fixated on this and I'm obsessively googling so I guess it could be narcassistic personality disorder) maybe it's hormones?? But tonight after my little venture away from my son and fiancé and dog when I came home they were all quite upset. I felt NOTHING. Infact I felt a vague sense of relief at seeing them upset. I've been looking back on my

Life and noticed alot of not very nice personality traits about me. I'm very selfish. I've always cared more about my own feelings and put them first before anyone. My family disowned me (mum dad brother) 6 months ago and I'm hoping that his has something to do with my state of emotions including being pregnant. But I feel nothing. When my son was sitting crying tonight asking me not to move out all I felt was angry at him for crying. I was staring at him as if to try and "feel"

Something and I feel nothing anymore. It's like I'm dead inside. I have all the traits of a narcassist. Literally all of them. The way I manipulate to get my own way or to turn any situation or guilt around on other people as if I'm the victim. :-( the only thing that makes me slightly different .... Is the fact that I HATE feeling this way :-( if I could take a pill to bring back all normal feelings again I would. I desperately want to be normal and think normal and stop being selfish and I my Craig about myself. I'm scared to be open with my psych as I don't want to have this disorder: I associate this disorder with that of people who are murderers or sociopaths and that's not the person I want to be. I was once a very loving girl. It's faded over the years. Since I lost my family it's almost banished. Am I perhaps on some level behaving this way to help ease the Hurt and pain of losing them?? I'm so lost right now. Yes when I think about how I may have abused my child etc the guilt overwhelms me..... But that aside, I feel nothing about anything anymore: I lye in be at night and cry because I'm desperate to FEEL normal loving emotions. To stop being selfish. To stop being so miserable inside I feel pleasure in making others miserable. Because right now that's what I'm doing. Could I feel so bad Inside I want everyone around me to feel pain to because I can't cope?? Walking out today and spending hours away like that wasnt normal. And it hurt them. An I didn't care. And here I am at nearly 2am writing here because I don't understand it and I want to so desperately :-( Have I shut

Off completely because my family abandoned me??? Any advice on this would be so kind xx

Lucy xxx

[highlight]

I am very sorry to hear that. as I read your post some of it does chime with me. I understand wanting to see other people unhappy but this does not give you the right to make others that way.

So no what you feel now is perfectly natural of people in general it is a flaw that you share with the rest of us. But this does not make you a bad person the fact that you feel guilt shows you are not a sociopath. We simply think inwardly about ourselves when we are struggling.

I have thought selfishly my whole life and it has got me no ware. You need to try and maintain a good relationship with your family because the pursuit of happiness is a team sport not something you can achieve by yourself. And remember the pain of anyone who suffers with a problem like this is something that only YOU will understand so its a negative experience but also a unique one.

[PolarBear]

lucylia, if you want to be less selfish then start caring more about other people. And stop the Googling. It will do no good.

[Guest lucylia]

I try sometimes I really do. I don't want to be this way. Infact I hate it. But sometimes the anger in me comes out the worst way :-(

Lucy xxx

[Ascend]

I used to be like that. As PolarBear said you need to make a conscious effort to change if you don't want to be like that anymore.

[Guest lucylia]

Selfish or a narc? Can people change even if they have that disorder? I don't want to be a mean person :-( xx

Lucy xxx

[Ascend]

I don't think you're a narcissist. Sounds like you just have a few selfish tendencies like most of us do at times.

[Steven_in_the_clouds]

You don't sound like a narcisist to me. You are just getting an obsession about being one. It's no different from OCD people worrying that they are a paedophile or gay or whatever. It's a distressing worry and that is making it stick in your brain. If it makes you feel better I've also had the worry about being a narcisist in the past.

However, those with personality disorders don't worry about being narcistic. The worrying is a sign of anxiety, not anything else.

Try to act in a way you are morally happy with and don't give yourself a hard time. When you are depressed it's sometimes easy to focus on yourself. It's the body and mind's natural defense mechanism.

[Guest Allalone]

This sounds just like me. I can totally relate. How are you doing now Lucy? Xx

[gingerbreadgirl]

To me this sounds like an OCD obsession. You are trying to force feelings of love etc - when you constantly check your feelings and try and force yourself to feel a certain way you are bound to struggle to get those feelings in a natural way. You scan your feelings,actions and past for " evidence" you are a bad person and you no doubt ignore many good qualities and loving actions. We all behave selfishly from time to time, we all feel things that probably aren't very nice, that's ok, we're human. But it's also ok to want to improve, to be more caring - if that's something you feel would make you happier and improve your family life. But don't constantly beat yourself up - you're bound to feel irritable and anxious if you have a constant voice in your mind telling you you're a terrible person. X

[taurean]

Narcissistic means exactly like Narcissus in the original mythology - too focused on himself and his looks to notice echo.

I am slightly narcissistic in that I groom and preen a little and love to smell nice, dress well - but it's not selfish, I simply like to do so as I have regularly been in company with clients and wanted them to feel comfortable and impressed - as the wonderful german short story that I learned at school says - "Kleider machen leuter" (clothes make the man{or woman}).

Your problem however seems geared towards guilt of selfishness. It would be appropriate to appraise any unhelpful character traits and address them, but beware of what is actually needed, and what is OCD telling you it is needed.