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Guest Daisy_88

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Guest Daisy_88

Hi everybody!

My name is Daisy, 25 and living in Holland. I was born in the UK but grew up in Holland (so please excuse any typos).

So where to start....?

When I was little I used to count, check and touch everything with both hands (otherwise it felt unequal).

Skipped way ahead to now, I had been quite ill for some time. It turned out I have a vitamine B12 deficiency, lactose intolerance and a bad case of the stomach acid (I take meds for the B12 and acid and avoid all lacose products).

Since I got a little better from all the above, I have been terrified of getting sick (on top of the couting and checking everything)

Quick run through my day:

wake up at 6.53 o'clock.

every step from then till 8.15 is the same, every day at exactly the same time.

I'm a smoker and I make my own cigs, if on a working day I make them the night before and must leave with exaclty 20 cigs,

Leaving at 8.15 check cigs, check lights, check pets and their water+food serveral times.

Out in the alley before closing door, must have keys in hands before closing the door, then check cigs, phone and what the time is.

It takes 7 mins to get to work. So at 8.22 I walk in to the building.. eventhough I don't start till 9 am.. I don't do late. I have never been late and I don't intend to be.

I also clean my desk at work every morning with my own wipes, do not touch door handles or buttons.

Then skipping to foods and contamination:

I don't eat from the canteen at work, I always bring my own food. I don't know how food in the canteen is stored, cooked and how long it's been out. (freaks me out)

I don't go to work parties, I don't do BBQ's at work or at friends houses. (same reason as above + I have difficulty being "social")

Preparing food at home is hell sometimes, raw chicken is real hell for me.. washing hands all the time, disinfecting everything before and after etc.

Food (like rice and chicken in sauce) cannot touch.

Now it has come to, if I think someone hasn't washed their hands before touching the food, I will not eat it and throw it out..

With thinking something "strange" is in my food or drink, I won't eat it because I'm scared of getting sick...

I had therapy last year, not for OCD only, but this was during the time when my vitamine b12 deficiency was still undiagnosed.

Before I got officialy diagnosed having OCD, I quit therapy.

The fear of getting ill by 'bad food' is getting worse. I though my other half touched an unwashed chopping board the other day and then touched the clean washing up from the dishwasher.. I had to run all of it, including the content of the cupboard through the dishwasher again.

If anybody interrupts my morning ritual, i'm offset all day..

I think that's quite enough of a story for now... !

I'm wondering what you all think?

Edited by Daisy_88
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Guest Sisyphus

Hi Daisy,

Congratulations on The Netherlands getting 3rd place in the world cup. "They were robbed" by The Klingons, ahem, I mean Argentina.

I read about all of your compulsions. Well, as you've been diagnosed, I would guess that you already know that all of those things you listed are OCD obsessions/compulsions so not sure what else I can add on that, but no doubt you'll find lots of people on this forum with similar obsessions and compulsions to exchange notes with.

Also, you can search on the top right for "food" or "contamination" or whatever and it will show you old posts containing those words.

I seriously hope you leave work half an hour early to compensate for that extra half hour in the morning(says the guy who used to stay late most days!)

So where are you at with it now - will you try CBT?

I used to smoke - rolling 20 cigs a night sounds like a chore, or maybe it's a form of meditation. Either way you sound like you have the self-discipline of a Samurai warrior!

Alas I have the self discipline of pastry. No, that's insulting to pastry.

Your English is ridiculously good aswell.

Well I hope you can find some good advice on here. Oh and a word of warning: sometimes people talk in terms of POCD, HOCD, Pure O, etc, but the belief of OCD UK is that they should all just be called OCD. Also, people seeking re-assurance or giving re-assurance tends to be frowned on here. I'm not saying these things cos they bother me - they don't! - just so you know in advance, cos new people sometimes get clobbered ;)

All the best,

David.

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Guest Daisy_88

Hi Daisy,

Congratulations on The Netherlands getting 3rd place in the world cup. "They were robbed" by The Klingons, ahem, I mean Argentina.

I read about all of your compulsions. Well, as you've been diagnosed, I would guess that you already know that all of those things you listed are OCD obsessions/compulsions so not sure what else I can add on that, but no doubt you'll find lots of people on this forum with similar obsessions and compulsions to exchange notes with.

Also, you can search on the top right for "food" or "contamination" or whatever and it will show you old posts containing those words.

I seriously hope you leave work half an hour early to compensate for that extra half hour in the morning(says the guy who used to stay late most days!)

So where are you at with it now - will you try CBT?

I used to smoke - rolling 20 cigs a night sounds like a chore, or maybe it's a form of meditation. Either way you sound like you have the self-discipline of a Samurai warrior!

Alas I have the self discipline of pastry. No, that's insulting to pastry.

Your English is ridiculously good aswell.

Well I hope you can find some good advice on here. Oh and a word of warning: sometimes people talk in terms of POCD, HOCD, Pure O, etc, but the belief of OCD UK is that they should all just be called OCD. Also, people seeking re-assurance or giving re-assurance tends to be frowned on here. I'm not saying these things cos they bother me - they don't! - just so you know in advance, cos new people sometimes get clobbered ;)

All the best,

David.

I wish they would give me a half hour off early at work! I like to start up the computer and get a cuppa and have a cig before I start.. otherwise I feel rushed.

With the rolling of cigs.. well I started a long time ago because shop bought cigarettes got so expensive, so this is a lot cheaper.. I make 20 to take to work the next day + an extra 10 for that evening/in the morning before I leave work. Takes me about 15 minutes to roll 30.. So not very time consuming!

Thanks for the compliment on my english skills :D

I'm still in the hiding fase, no therapy at all. She (the psychiatrist) started forcing the medication route and I never went back again. She also thought I have ADHD or ADD, I never stuck around for the conclusion on that either...

As many people with OCD will probably say: I think I cope just fine the way I do things.. Reason for posting/speaking up? it's the food thing.. with everything that has happend the past 1,5 - 2 years being very ill with stomach problems, I have a new stronger fear of eating certain foods, things that might be in the food that will make me ill etc.

And that is the one i find very difficult. The logic part of my brain is thinking: that raw chicken never even came near that other food, the other part of my brain says: what if it did???? The what if it did part, always wins...

I have shortened the time it takes me to get ready in the mornings (used to be 2 hours before leaving the house).

And I used to leave for work 1 hour - 1 hour and 15 minutes before I had to be there.. Now I cut that back to 45 minutes..

Might not sound like much, but for me it is :D

Edit; and thanks for the heads up on the clobbering! :p

Edited by Daisy_88
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Well Daisy it sounds like you have some OCD traits that are well managed and not causing big problems. You also have the food obsession, which is causing you problems and that maybe you might want to work on.

Welcome.

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Guest Sisyphus

I wish they would give me a half hour off early at work! I like to start up the computer and get a cuppa and have a cig before I start.. otherwise I feel rushed.

Ahhhh - so that's where I was going wrong all those years!

With the rolling of cigs.. well I started a long time ago because shop bought cigarettes got so expensive, so this is a lot cheaper.. I make 20 to take to work the next day + an extra 10 for that evening/in the morning before I leave work. Takes me about 15 minutes to roll 30.. So not very time consuming!

Something tells me this would take me more like 1.5 hours. I did consider rolling cigs instead but figured (a) the tobacco was priced so it was approaching tthe price of cigarrettes anyway. And besides, they are raising the price so often and by so much, I just had to draw a line. I miss it now. I didn't notice this dramatic improvement people talk about. I just miss those little moments and the punctuation aspect of it.

Thanks for the compliment on my english skills :D

Well when it's good it's good :)

I'm still in the hiding fase, no therapy at all. She (the psychiatrist) started forcing the medication route and I never went back again. She also thought I have ADHD or ADD, I never stuck around for the conclusion on that either...

I sympathise. I didn't have a great experience with medication years ago so I'm trying to avoid it, but there's a certain pressure to take it unquestioningly. Don't worry - you'll get round to it when you're ready.

As many people with OCD will probably say: I think I cope just fine the way I do things..

Reason for posting/speaking up? it's the food thing.. with everything that has happend the past 1,5 - 2 years being very ill with stomach problems, I have a new stronger fear of eating certain foods, things that might be in the food that will make me ill etc.

And that is the one i find very difficult. The logic part of my brain is thinking: that raw chicken never even came near that other food, the other part of my brain says: what if it did???? The what if it did part, always wins...

Yes - it's the what ifs that kill you. This food problem sounds like a real drag. I hope you can find a therapy that counters it effectively.

I have shortened the time it takes me to get ready in the mornings (used to be 2 hours before leaving the house).

And I used to leave for work 1 hour - 1 hour and 15 minutes before I had to be there.. Now I cut that back to 45 minutes..

Might not sound like much, but for me it is :D

It's impressive how much discipline you apply to the problem. I found it kind of destroyed my discipline and punctuality - e.g. I'd allow an hour to get ready for something and because of all the interruptions and the time it took to deal with them I could be half an hour late still. An awful lot of manic late dashes and excuses.

Edit; and thanks for the heads up on the clobbering! :p

Ha - well thanks for taking it the way it was intended. Cos it could've sounded weird instead!

Well I really hope you can find some useful advice and stuff on here Daisy.

All the best,

David.

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Guest Daisy_88

I'm hoping to apply the same discipline to the food thing.. and of course I'll be poking around on the forum..

Hope that will give me some idea's on how to battle the food thing.

My experience with any kind of doctor has not been very good so far, so i'm trying to "do it myself".

I just hope I have enough discipline for that :D

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Guest Sisyphus

I'm hoping to apply the same discipline to the food thing.. and of course I'll be poking around on the forum..

Hope that will give me some idea's on how to battle the food thing.

My experience with any kind of doctor has not been very good so far, so i'm trying to "do it myself".

I just hope I have enough discipline for that :D

Ha that sounds like my experience. I have lost a lot of trust in the medical establishment over the years.

I think people *can* educate themselves about OCD and use CBT or The 4 Steps techniques to get better, but the general concensus seems to be that CBT with a therapist is the way to go, though it certainly does not work for everyone.

I had a bad experinece with my first round of CBT and quit it in disgust, deciding to read a book and apply the therapy myself. Well I did read the book, but too slowly, and life intervened, OCD got worse and I never properly committed to the therapy. I honestly think if I'd had the right environment I could've had a good go at it but that's beyond our control isn't it.

So after a while of reading about CBT on here I signed up for a second round, hoping I would get a better therapist this time. And fingers crossed this one does seem better though it's very early days.

If this doesn't work, well I guess I'll try the books again. Failing that, who knows - maybe trepanning, panda tears, frontal lobotomy, cryogenic freezing?

Anyway good luck with your self-directed therapy Daisy_88. With your Samurai discipline it might just work!

Just remember to know when to throw in the towel and go with plan B if it's not working out. That is a discipline in itself.

David :)

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Guest Daisy_88

Just remember to know when to throw in the towel and go with plan B if it's not working out. That is a discipline in itself.

True.. I'll keep an eye on that! otherwise cryogenic freezing sounds interesting ! haha :D

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Guest Sisyphus

True.. I'll keep an eye on that! otherwise cryogenic freezing sounds interesting ! haha :D

:)

YEah but knowing my luck, I'd probably be awoken at a time when cannibal aliens had landed and taken over.

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Guest Daisy_88

:)

YEah but knowing my luck, I'd probably be awoken at a time when cannibal aliens had landed and taken over.

:D !

Thanks for the laugh.. I needed that! :p

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Guest Daisy_88

Okay I didn't die... :D

I went to dinner at my mums and she had make chicken schnitzels from scratch.

I would have washed my hands more and cooked the chicken longer (it was done, but I cook all meat to death).. but I ate it anyway.. I didn''t die, no tummy upset or anything..

First step? I hope...

On the other hand, I didn't go to the in laws BBQ. Turned out they bought chicken on the cheap, threw it on the BBQ frozen and my other half (who did go) said he thinks it wasn't quite done.. he ended up being on the toilet all evening...

I don't like BBQ's.. I don't know how food is kept, prepared or if it has been cooked properly.....

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Guest Sisyphus

Oh well done on preparing the chicken Daisy. So how did you manage to take this step? Have you had some therapy or just pure courage? Were you anxious leading up to it?

Long may it continue anyway!

Well maybe there's a little sense in the barbecue fear - I know I've had some dodgy barbecue food before, and as you say sometimes you have no idea where it comes from. So maybe that one's not completely irrational, but a psychologist may disagree of course - they may say you should have gone as an exposure. I don't know. I think one step at a time and preparing the chicken was probably as good a first step as you could hope to take you know. So well done!

Edited by Sisyphus
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Guest Daisy_88

Oh well done on preparing the chicken Daisy. So how did you manage to take this step? Have you had some therapy or just pure courage? Were you anxious leading up to it?

Long may it continue anyway!

Well maybe there's a little sense in the barbecue fear - I know I've had some dodgy barbecue food before, and as you say sometimes you have no idea where it comes from. So maybe that one's not completely irrational, but a psychologist may disagree of course - they may say you should have gone as an exposure. I don't know. I think one step at a time and preparing the chicken was probably as good a first step as you could hope to take you know. So well done!

I'm sorry for the late reply.. I've been a busy bee! Uhmm no just pure courage! And yes I was anxious, even whilst eating etc..

Just yesterday I went to the tobacconist.. As I went to pay for my tobacco, the machine said: card unreadable. The tobacconist said may I? I replied: Sure,

He took my card, licked his finger and wiped the magnetic strip "clean".

At first I thought I was going to die, seeing his spit on my card... BUT.. I just went with the flow and I have managed to not clean it. Just tucking it back in to my purse and went on my merry way.

Edit: that made it sound easy by the way.. but it isn't :shy: or maybe it is...

Edited by Daisy_88
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Guest Sisyphus

I'm sorry for the late reply.. I've been a busy bee! Uhmm no just pure courage! And yes I was anxious, even whilst eating etc..

Just yesterday I went to the tobacconist.. As I went to pay for my tobacco, the machine said: card unreadable. The tobacconist said may I? I replied: Sure,

He took my card, licked his finger and wiped the magnetic strip "clean".

At first I thought I was going to die, seeing his spit on my card... BUT.. I just went with the flow and I have managed to not clean it. Just tucking it back in to my purse and went on my merry way.

Edit: that made it sound easy by the way.. but it isn't :shy: or maybe it is...

Oh hi Daisy!

Busy is good for us I think ;)

Wow - I think even a non-OCD sufferer would agree he was taking a bit of a liberty doing that with the card. The silly sod!

I think that's really impressive that you went with that and didn't clean the card. Seriously - I think that's a hell of an achievement. And hopefully you can build on it.

Oh I know only too well it's not easy! It'd be easy if we didn;'t have OCD, but otherwise, the sky's the limit on how hard and terrifying these things can be. It seems unfair no-one can really apreciate this from the outside

You should get a medal for this credit card exposure.

I still can't get over Netherlands getting knocked out of the cup you know. So unlucky.

Take it easy,

David.

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Guest Daisy_88

Thank you David..

I admit the card licking thing is playing on my mind, but I refuse to clean it!

Sunday I had to sit at a different desk at work... it was covered in curly hairs.. about 20 of them... I did go all out and cleaned the desk very well.. But what sane human would work in another persons curly hair and coffee splashed all over the place?!?!

On the positive: I have been terrified of birds all my life, not the birds but their poo.. I don't know but their poo freaked me out.. Since a few months I have had a baby budgie (Charlie). Since then I haven't been so freaked out anymore, he sits on my shoulder or on top of my computer screen. Now and then he comes and gives me a little kiss etc...

Gentil exposure seems to be helping in a lot of ways, on my terms when I say so etc. I do have to push myself, but i'm seeing it as little steps forward.

The Dutch bounce back quite easily so I wont worry about that.. although the dutch have seem to forgotten about the worldcup seen as the MH17 flight disaster and all..

On that subject I think the Dutch have handled the situation remarkably. No one I knew personally was on that flight only people via via .. Still it is terrible..

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Guest Sisyphus

Wow of course. I forgot about that - they were mostly Dutch weren't they? This was terrible. Just such a freak unxpected thing to happen from their point of view.

I must admit when I heard what had happened I had a hard time imagining how it would be on that plane. Best not to I guess. But I tend to do that with these things. And the children. So unfair.

There's realy nothing you can say about something like that that makes any kind of sense out of it. There's no sugar coating it or rationalising it away with wisdom. Just an all-round bad deal.

Well of coure the card is playing on your mind otherwise it wouldn't be a proper exposure, which is why you've done so very well there. Nice one. A big step to freedom I hope.

And buying the budgie.was another great move. Wow you've really got those 2 obsessions on the ropes. Well done.

I have been trying to do the same as you - ad hoc exposures when I have the right head on me, on my terms. Simply cos it's all I've been able to bring myself to do. But I know that the therapist will expect me to do more exposrues that are not on my terms soon so I'm bracing myself for that.

To be honest, unless the desk thing is a particulare obsession you're working through, I do think it's pretty normal to want to clear someone else's "stuff" off there before using it. I certainly would and I don't really consider that kind of thing to be part of my OCD. When I had to move desks at work, I would always want to get some furniture polish and clean the new one. down. So unless that's a particular obsession for you, maybe that was just normal behaviour?

David.

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Guest Daisy_88

Most of them were Dutch... Anyway I think of that as well.. What was going through their minds, did they have time to even think?

The dutch set up a remarkable ceremony (maybe you watched it on the news?). Then there was the day that the Netherlands just stopped. On the 23th of july 4 pm, the entire Netherlands just stopped, supermarkets, trains, buses, people on the street etc. all stood still at 4 pm.

Just remarkable....

I think I have a lot of obsessions but I try to tackle one at a time! :)

And I must admit, yeah your head has to be in the right place when exposures take place.

The desks are quite dirty at work.. 8 out of 10 people in my team have wipes with them and also clean their desk every day.. As far as I know they do not have OCD.

Edited by Daisy_88
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Guest Sisyphus

Well there you go - like I said - this is normal behaviour for desks. I used to keep some of that alcohol-based hand cleaner in my drawer in case. Rarely used it though, Forgot it was there! Like I say - the whole cleanliness thing isn't really an issue for me BUT I still felt the need to give the new desk a good clean before I used it! Cos you dont know the habits of the guy before.

I think one at a time is absolutely the right approach. And you'll probably have the odd slip, if other people's experience here is anything to go by. And you've just got to brush yourself off and carry on applying the same methods from there. If only it was as easy as it sounds when saying it!

I'm afraid I missed this Dutch commemoration event. I don't have a TV, so unless it comes under my radar by other means I tend to miss stuff like that. I do check Google news every day so I'm surprised I didnt see anything about it that day. Maybe I just missed it(maybe the item before it triggered OCD and I had to close the news down!).

Oh Im glad Im not the only one who tries to imagine stuff like tht, cos after I wrote it I thought it might sound weird or something. I always do that with disasters, and when Im flying I also imagine how it would go down if something bad happened. Like I rehearse it in my head and try to get used to the idea. Pretty dumb really - I should just watch a movie or read the paper really.

Do you know a place called Hengelo?

David

Edited by Sisyphus
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Guest Daisy_88

yeah it is easier saying it than doing it haha!

on the MH17 subject.. I think this is a nice vid of how it went https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4uzlTzkVuXs

Now it has been done 4 times. Every time a plane comes in with the deceased the same ceremony is done.

And yeah I do that, go over possible situation time and time again...

I've never been to Hengelo, but i know someone who lives there. Why do you ask?

Edited by Daisy_88
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Guest Sisyphus

yeah it is easier saying it than doing it haha!

on the MH17 subject.. I think this is a nice vid of how it went https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4uzlTzkVuXs

Now it has been done 4 times. Every time a plane comes in with the deceased the same ceremony is done.

And yeah I do that, go over possible situation time and time again...

I've never been to Hengelo, but i know someone who lives there. Why do you ask?

I had a watched the ceremony. There's something terrible about seeing so many hearses. It's a really fitting and respectful ceremony - thank you for sending me the link.

So much pain. The poor families. It's difficult to know what to think or say about it all isn't it.

Ah Im glad Im not the only one who does that going over possible situations thing then :)

Ah - well Hengelo was where my uncle was hidden out by a Dutch family after his bomber was shot down in WW2. It's an amazing story really. He's very grateful to the Dutch - he communicates with the family still by Skype.

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Guest Daisy_88

you're welcome. I think the Dutch did a good job, seen as all the pain and grief etc..

How interesting about your uncle. I love a good ww2 story... and I love the fact he still communicates with the family by Skype! How cool is that!

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Guest Sisyphus

HA - you've turned into Homer simpson.

OK - I tell you what I'll send you a PM with the link to his story(assuming I can find it now!)....

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