My first ever post. I really need help.

[Guest VictoriaLondon]

Hi.

My name is Victoria and I am 31 years old from London. My problem started 2 years ago and it plagues everyday of my life, about 70% of my day.

My problem is to do with Letters, Syllables and Names.

I am an avid video gamer on the PC. It first started when I bought a new online game and made a character and started to play her. I spent a lot of time on her. Then one day something happened and I couldn't stop thinking about how the letters in her name didn't look right. I ended up deleting her and making a brand new.

This kept happening. I would see something within the new names that I didn't like. Either they looked wrong (uneven heights or not symmetrical enough) or they would remind me of something.

For example one of them ended in the letters tina and it reminded me of a person from about 15 years ago who's name was Tina. So anyway that was how it all started.

Since then it's got worse. Much worse. Whenever I see a name written my brain associates it with someone else. Always someone negative. People from my past.

If I see the name Nigel for example I will somehow constantly associate it with the name Natalie because it starts with an N. Natalie was a girl who bullied me at school. I will see her face in the back of my mind and it won't go away.

I also can't stand names with letters that come below the line. For example the letters p, y, q, g, j.

It gets even worse when I tell you that I make money writing eBooks. Although most of my books are non fiction, I sometimes I write fiction. I have spent days/weeks naming and renaming characters names. The ones that I wrote before this started I can't bring myself to look at. I put them all on an external harddrive and put them in the garage out of site. I couldn't bare to have them on my computer because the characters had names with dangling letters or names that reminded me of people I didn't want to remember.

I've wasted countless hours when I get a new computer game just naming the characters. I've played ones for over 50 hours and then realised that it looked wrong and deleted it. For example the name "Tessa" see how the e goes under the T slightly. My brain cannot stand it. I will constantly look at it. Think about it. HATE it. Also if it's a first and middle name they must be symmetrical. Same length, same shaped letters. Emma Lillian for example would kill me, because the m's are fat and the l's are skinny.

The reason I finally am writing this post, is because I've had enough. I just feel like I need to tell someone. I can't contain it anymore.

On Friday I bought a new kitten. I have yet to name him. Every letter in the alphabet, my brain has associated with a bad memory. So there's literally no letters left that I can use. Even ones like "X" because most X names are pronounced as a Z and Z is associated with someone already. Almost all of these people are from over 10 years ago. People from my childhood. Sometimes even just celebrities that I dislike. No matter what I can find a reason to literally HATE a letter. Sometimes I think I am OK with a name, but then a few days or weeks later suddenly I'll link it with something, and then after that I can't live with it anymore.

I don't know what to do to be honest.

I am thinking about names and letters almost all day, I've spent countless hours on babyname websites. I have wasted so much time on this.

I am so lucky that my own full name is perfect otherwise no doubt I'd have had it legally changed.

I can't even bare to think about having children because if I name one a name that my brain linked to some bad memory I would literally hate my own child.

I'm aware this is an OCD forum. I've googled my issue and I couldn't find anyone with the same problem. The closest diagnosis was OCD. So I'm here and I hope there is some other person out there who can relate to me and maybe try to get over this problem.

Thanks for listening.

PS: I absolutely hate my username for this website it looks awfully wrong. But I won't delete it out of principle for wanting to get over this. I am keeping it like that as much as it kills me. It's NOT symmetrical, can't have i's and then o's in the next name like that.

Edited August 28, 2014 by VictoriaLondon

[PolarBear]

It certainly sounds like OCD. You have intrusive thoughts, linking letters or names to something/someone bad, and compulsions, the need to fix the letters or names.

The problem with OCD is that we feel an overwhelming urge to perform a compulsion, we give in, and that ends up doing nothing but reinforcing in our brains that there really was something wrong in the first place. In other words, the more we perform compulsions, the more deep seated the obsessions become.

We can't directly stop obsessions. We do have control over compulsions. As much as it feels otherwise, you do not have to do your compulsions.

Whether you choose the therapy route or go it alone, you will have to face the obsessions by resisting and then stopping the compulsions. It won't be easy. It will take time. Over time your anxiety will decrease and names will begin to bother you less.

[Guest Pixie88]

Hi All,

I'm also new to the forums, having registered this evening. I have suffered from OCD from a young age but only realised what it was a few years ago when I stumbled across a detailed article on the subject. I have managed to stop the compulsions - apart from ordering things and applying symmetry in certain tasks - but am currently struggling with intrusive thoughts. They were somewhat under control but I have gone through a few major changes in my life recently, and they have returned with a vengeance!! My life is not as structured as it was, and I have lots more time to ponder on things! I feel very out of sorts at the moment: anxious, scared, tearful - this seems to be as a consequence of the above and obsessing about madness. I am also possibly in the perimenopause stage of life so hormones may be playing a part. It sounds strange but I feel unsure of who I am. Can anybody else relate to this? I have booked CBT in a week's time in order to help.

Thanks

[Guest Pixie88]

Hi Victoria,

Sorry for introducing myself as a reply to your post! First time, and I got it wrong!

[Guest VictoriaLondon]

No worries Pixie.

My husband has picked a name for the kitten. It reminds me of some woman I babysat for as a youngster. It was so long about that I cannot picture her face. But yet I cannot stop thinking about it. I hate the name. But we've gone through about 10 already in a week. My husband is getting so angry. I cannot give him real reason why so I have to instead keep thinking of excuses. I'm dying inside.

I tried to tell him about it before but he didn't understand. He said I didn't have OCD because if I did I would be constantly washing my hands and cleaning the house. He think's that is what OCD is and is too ignorant to believe otherwise.