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Introduction to my violent thoughts


Guest StillLikeNumbers

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Guest StillLikeNumbers

Hello everyone,

I am really thankful for finding this website and I think that OCD-UK is doing a really great job!

I'm in therapy for a while now (~ months) and the initial diagnosis was OCD (at least I think it was; I only know the German term: Zwangsstörung). But it took until yesterday (until I found this page by accident), that I truly understood the consequences of this diagnosis and that I truly understood how well it fits. I read through the different forms of OCD and I somehow was shocked how much of the violent intrusive thought-part was describing actual feelings and experiences of mine.

It enabled me to create a "mental box", where I can throw many troubling stuff into that were "unsortable" for me before.

It started at the age of 10 and many concerns about war and internal philosophical arguments about good and evil. Then there was the realisation that I am capable of harming people. I had thoughts of killing loved family members and intense emotions / images. I feared every night alone in my bed for almost 4 years. I was praying to give away the responsibility for my actions to "someone" else (God). (I was not really religious) And at times I shook my head to get rid of those thoughts.

These feelings were accompanied by guilt and shame and although my family members knew I had "bad thoughts" I never dared to explain what those actually were. I feared that they would become true if I speak them out loud. The most troubling part: I had moments where I actually started to act on those thoughts. These were very short moments that felt like a toggled switch in my head. "Now you are evil, now you can do it!" But those moments never lasted longer than a second or so, and somehow it felt like I am only "playing" it. But it was still really terrifying.

Now the interesting part: Somehow I managed to overcome this state. I would have considered myself as 100% healthy at the age of 18. Either I suppressed this issue really well, which means that I must be very strong, or I did some things right out of instinct. The symptoms decreased with the same rate as I "developed a personality". I was an unsure fearful person with low self-esteem, but I started make music, began to accept my character, became a member of a subculture: well, I defined myself. And by the age of 18 I knew who I were or at least what I wanted to be.

Last year I had a very intense fall-back. "Oh my god it is coming back! Something must be wrong with you!" Within 1 month I came from "everything is okay, I think" to "I would rather kill my self, than bearing with this for the rest of my live!" I was frightened a lot and thought I was getting insane. I really felt insane some times. Because of this extreme development I was seeking professional help. For the first time in my live I dared to speak those thoughts out loud. And it felt really good!

I want to point out an interesting parallelism: I had again issues of "defining" myself. I wrote my bachelor-thesis (which was very successfully), but I really was unsure of what to do afterwards, was unsure of anything that had to do with my interests.

I think I've made great progression in the last year, maybe because my brain experienced this process of overcoming this before. I'm not suffering much from OCD at the moment and am not as shocked from intrusive thoughts than I was before.

To be honest, somewhere in my Head I'm still doubting if I really have OCD, but it fits way to well to not be true.

There are some points I am confused about. I have the tendency towards some OCD symptoms, but I wouldn't consider them as pathological, since they aren't limiting my everydaylive and I can accept to not follow those urges. Examples would be: a tendency for counting stuff and a need for symmetry. Would you still consider these urges as symptoms of my OCD, or maybe consider those as possible symptoms, that may occur stronger in the future?

I read about that OCD has the tendency to come hand in hand with procrastination and perfectionism I'm having situations where I somewhat "suffer" from those, but never unbearably. Would you consider those as an effect of my OCD?

Basically I am trying to not throw too much stuff in my mental OCD-box, since I want to do the best I can to understand it and to live with it. (perfectionism, hehe) It is important to me that I'm not beginning to hide behind this realisation that I might suffer from OCD.

I'm only beginning to learn about OCD, but I hope that I can be another helpful member of this community. And please excuse this somewhat lengthy post! :)

Regards and I StillLikeNumbers.

Edited by StillLikeNumbers
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