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Worried Mum of daughter anxious and OCD?


Guest zannie

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Guest zannie

Hi,

My daughter is 14 next month. As a small child she was anxious and had fears and routines.

She saw the senco at school and they arranged for a lady to chat with her once a week. Then things seemed to improve but she needed routine. Over the years she had mild routines and fears and sometimes very long gaps of little anxiety. We have always talked her through them.

However at the moment we are all struggling (myself,my partner and daughter).

She is repeating sentences twice sometimes four times even when I reply and engage in the subject of the conversation. This started about 10 days ago.

She knows that she is doing it and said she thinks I don't listen and that's why she repeats it. But I do answer her every time.

It is becoming very consuming for her and very tiring for us. She does the repeating mainly to me not her Dad. She said this morning she will try not to do it.

We had a long chat last night about it and she told me that she also has other routines at night.

These include tapping the electric socket 8 times which she does 4 times, the hairdryer 4 lots of 8 times (she is frightened that there will be a fire but I tell her everything is safe and turned off) the same with the alarm clock tapping 4 lots of 8 times (this is because it once went off in the night) checking down back of the bed for spiders (there was a spider a few months ago in her bedroom) etc. I didn't know about the night time routines ( she is also afraid of the dark) but after we talked through the anxieties she said she felt she didn't need to tap everything 4 x 8 times which she was doing and said she will just check each thing once. She said it helped by me going through the things that she repeats and explaining that nothing bad could happen. She also likes things a certain way in her room etc.

I was mortified that I didn't know about the tapping routines. I had no idea things were bad again until the repeating sentences started . She said she likes even numbers and number 2 so repeats sentences twice. My Dad and sister have picked up that she is repeating things when we went on a shopping day out. I was relieved that it wasn't just me in a way that she was doing it to.

She is also very clever in the way she repeats it in a way that sounds slightly different but has the same words if that makes sense!

She seems to manage at school apart from homework where she often goes into meltdown crying as she is so anxious to get it out of the way! I usually sit with her to calm her and help her with her homework. She has a one or two close friends and is happy.

The reason I am posting on here is I would appreciate where to go from here.

Ive always felt that we/she could manage her problems and that she always managed to stop the routines and just check something once like any one else. She has never been diagnosed with OCD as we went down the school route I think.

I mentioned we might need to go to the Doctors and she was very upset and said she would try and stop bless her. I told her lots of people have OCD and it is anxiety and fears which cause her to have routines and its nothing to be ashamed of. Im trying to give her lots of praise when she is trying not to repeat things. I know this is her coping mechanism. I just don't know what to do.... and I just feel heartbroken and exhausted. I would be grateful for any advice.

I have just had a quick look at some of the posts and feel so much better knowing we are not alone. If/when we go down the Doctor route what would the next step be?

Thanks for reading,

Suzanne.

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Hi Suzanne,

I'm not a qualified therapist, so I can't say whether your daughter has OCD or not, but from what you've described above, it certainly sounds like OCD.

The fear of there being a fire sounds like her obsession & so touching the appliances would be her compulsion, (that to her is preventing this from happening.)

Personally, I would recommend that you & your daughter go & see your local GP & tell them what you have told us & that you suspect she may have OCD.

Your GP should refer you to your local mental health service, who should schedule you daughter for an initial assessment so that they can assess what treatment would be most suitable for her.

It is important that once she see's a therapist, that she is as honest as possible about her thoughts, fears, routines, etc, as this will give her therapist the best chance to structure a suitable treatment for her.

You daughter might find it daunting to tell a therapist about her thoughts, fears & compulsions, but they are nothing to be ashamed of & you can pretty much guarantee that the therapist will have heard them all before.

For what it's worth, I think you are pretty amazing the way you have supported your daughter so far & I'm sure she appreciates it a lot :original:

In the meantime, I would recommend that you check out the main OCD UK website & read the 'Learn about OCD' section & also have a look at some of Personal OCD stories under the 'Your OCD' tab. There is some really useful information there & along with the personal stories, will help you to understand better what OCD is & what those living with it go through.

& of course, there is always this forum if you ever need to chat with anyone or exchange ideas, problems, etc... :original:

There is also a OCDyouth website, that you should be able to find on google, maybe you & your daughter could take a look at that?

I wish you & your daughter all the best,

Symps

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Guest zannie

Hi Symps

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.

I will look at the sections that you mentioned.

I think I will make an appointment with her GP but every time I mention it she is distraught and says she will stop. Im sure this is familiar to a lot of people.

I feel like I want to do it all but I cant fix this.

This evening has been horrendous with her repeating everything and the same things hours later. It's exhausting for her and us.

She noticed I had been on this website in google search and flipped out and part of me is scared to go to the doctors as I know how upset it will make her.

Thank you again for the advice.

Suzanne

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It sure sounds like OCD. Her fears are her obsessions and the repeating and checking (in multiples of 4 and 8) are compulsions. One thing you can tell her is that if she does not get it under control soon, it tends to get worse. By that I mean the compulsions end up cemented in, so to speak, and more difficult to let go of.

There can be a lot of shame in going to see a doctor, because on one level she probably thinks the compulsions she does are rather silly. The problem is, she still ends up doing them because that is the nature of OCD.

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Guest zannie

Hi Polarbear,

Thank you for your comments. It is very helpful.

As a parent I am in turmoil.

Since we talked about the tapping she has stopped just like that. But she still checks the hairdryer/plugs/back of bed etc once.

So I am confused that a sufferer of OCD can so quickly stop doing the routine but obviously the compulsion is still there as she checks once but doesn't tap 32 times.

I feel like I am betraying her by ringing the doctors. She has said that she doesn't want to go and speak to someone and what worries me is that she will obviously need to see someone regularly and this will be in school time which will isolate her more as she is sensitive and a worrier at school.

With my daughters problems there seems to be a pattern. Just something she has seen on TV or heard at school can start a routine.

I wondered if there were other sufferers who have repeated things twice or more and how they overcame their routine.

I noticed you are an ex sufferer. You have done amazing and give me hope that our daughter can be too :original:

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Talking about the compulsion with you, may be reassurance (another form of compulsion) this may be why she is able to stop the tapping so quickly, because she is swapping one compulsion for another.

Things on TV or in the newspapers, overheard, etc... can trigger obsessions, unfortunately this is part & parcel of OCD.

I don't think that you are betraying your daughter by taking her to see a GP, it's natural for her to be worried about 'confessing' these problems & unfortunately the OCD will make it the fear of going to see the GP seem worse for her, but as polarbear says, left untreated, the OCD will become more ingrained.

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Guest zannie

To Symps and Polarbear.

Just to let you know I have phoned my GP this morning.

Unfortunately they couldn't give me a time today but I need to ring back on Monday and they will fit her in after school.

I have to admit I cried buckets on the phone but that was for me because I can't do it all.

I feel determined now and your advice has helped so much because I always felt we/she could control it as it has not been bad until now but when you write it down and share it you realise that the problems are there in black and white.

I have cried so much in secret over the last few days not because she has OCD but because it hurts being a parent feeling helpless and feeling you have failed which we know isn't true. I know it is an illness and there is light at the end of the tunnel.

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Guest zannie

To Symphs

Hi again I've just seen your post.

Yes what you say does make sense.

Its strange that she can go for long periods of time ie months years without having compulsions.

Yet the fire one she had when she was younger and has come back now. She actually told me that the fire fear is from watching Fireman Sam cartoons when she was little.

This is true as she was obsessed with watching them as a child. For someone who didn't understand OCD you would laugh but this just shows how a compulsion can be triggered.

I just wondered if this fear can ever go away as it is like you say ingrained from childhood. At primary school she got help for some fears and anxiety ie thunder but I don't think OCD was ever mentioned as she was just showing anxiety. They checked for aspergers which was mild to not really.I think she has had OCD tendencies for such a long time that I am worried that they will be hard to conquer.

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Guest zannie

To Symps (not symphs sorry :original: )

I just wanted to ask you if when she is repeating sentences how am I best dealing with this.

Should I try and stop her or let her carry on. I have tried telling her she has already told me that and I answered her the first time. If I tell her I wont answer if or when she repeats she goes into meltdown and gets frustrated and cries and still repeats until I say yes. I would rather say yes than see her frustrated and unhappy.

Thank you for all your advice.

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Guest zannie

P.S when I say she is repeating things I mean almost everything she says is repeated straight away until I answer it how she wants/or that she feels I am listening even though I am) or repeats an earlier sentence many times later on in the day.

Would you say that this is typical of OCD of due you think this is something else?

She also has to wash her hands last thing at night every night but just once thankfully. :original:

I think when she was younger her anxiety was considered to be a phase or not taken seriously by school etc as she didn't display a lot of anxiety at school but did at home. I felt like they thought I was exaggerating because she managed the day at school.

She has told me that she has been repeating to her best friend at school this week so I am worried now that it is escalating beyond her control. I cannot wait to take her to the Doctors to get her the help she needs.

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Given her other symptoms, repeating the sentences is also OCD. She does it so everything turns out just right, which is a known OCD compulsion. It can manifest in a variety of ways but it entirely sounds like OCD.

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To Symps (not symphs sorry :original: )

I just wanted to ask you if when she is repeating sentences how am I best dealing with this.

Should I try and stop her or let her carry on. I have tried telling her she has already told me that and I answered her the first time. If I tell her I wont answer if or when she repeats she goes into meltdown and gets frustrated and cries and still repeats until I say yes. I would rather say yes than see her frustrated and unhappy.

Thank you for all your advice.

I've been called worse :D

With OCD it is always best to avoid performing compulsions as they feed the original obsession, that being said, your daughter also needs to be on board when dealing with it, as it is her OCD & she needs to have an idea of what it is that triggers her obsessions & in turn the reasons why she feels the need to perform the compulsions & the reasons for not performing these compulsions etc... If she's not sure of the in's & out's of OCD, it's patterns & treatments, then she is not going to understand why she needs the reassurance you are providing her & will naturally feel confused & upset when you withdraw it (it's hard enough when you do understand the reasons why!)

It might be worth waiting until you have spoken to a therapist first & seeing what they recommend you do.

Edited by Symps07
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Guest zannie

Hi Symps,

Thanks for your reply and helpful words. You are so right when you say it is her OCD and she will have to learn about the triggers etc. I feel so absorbed in everything that I forget. :original: OCD seems very complex especially with her thoughts.

Since our daughter has realised that she has OCD she has been opening up to me.

Yesterday at school she told me she was repeating things to 3 of her friends in lessons etc. They are starting to notice.

She is also having disturbing thoughts like she said if we take her Aunties dog for a walk wouldn't it be strange if we got run over and when I had a bath she said don't close your eyes as I don't want you to drown.

Today she looked out of the window and saw our neighbours across the road just chatting and she said Mummy I think they are talking about me being mental. I reassured her and told her she isn't mental and has an illness. She also says that she thinks my sisters dog thinks she is mental.

When I ask her why she is repeating and what does she think would happen if she doesn't repeat she says she doesn't know whereas other compulsions have a trigger.

Last night she told me she has been eating split ends of her hair at school for weeks which she says she doesn't know why but it is when she is bored. I was terrified when she told me this but said she will stop now that she has told me. Bit like the tapping which she has stopped now. We are so worried about her. I feel I should phone school and speak to someone to say we are in the process of getting her help. I cant believe how bad things are for her at the moment. I just keep telling her that we all love her and will help her and never leave her as she thinks we are going to abandon her and repeats this a lot. Thanks for reading

Thank you also Polar Bear. :original:

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Hi Symps,

Thanks for your reply and helpful words. You are so right when you say it is her OCD and she will have to learn about the triggers etc. I feel so absorbed in everything that I forget. :original: OCD seems very complex especially with her thoughts.

Since our daughter has realised that she has OCD she has been opening up to me.

Yesterday at school she told me she was repeating things to 3 of her friends in lessons etc. They are starting to notice.

She is also having disturbing thoughts like she said if we take her Aunties dog for a walk wouldn't it be strange if we got run over and when I had a bath she said don't close your eyes as I don't want you to drown.

Today she looked out of the window and saw our neighbours across the road just chatting and she said Mummy I think they are talking about me being mental. I reassured her and told her she isn't mental and has an illness. She also says that she thinks my sisters dog thinks she is mental.

When I ask her why she is repeating and what does she think would happen if she doesn't repeat she says she doesn't know whereas other compulsions have a trigger.

Last night she told me she has been eating split ends of her hair at school for weeks which she says she doesn't know why but it is when she is bored. I was terrified when she told me this but said she will stop now that she has told me. Bit like the tapping which she has stopped now. We are so worried about her. I feel I should phone school and speak to someone to say we are in the process of getting her help. I cant believe how bad things are for her at the moment. I just keep telling her that we all love her and will help her and never leave her as she thinks we are going to abandon her and repeats this a lot. Thanks for reading

Thank you also Polar Bear. :original:

No worries :original:

Have you managed to book an appointment to see your GP?

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Guest zannie

Hi Symps,

Yes We have got an appointment this afternoon. :original:

Unfortunately we will have to take her out of school earlier for it and she begged me not to ring the doctors. So it is going to be very stressful for her but it was never going to be easy.The thoughts she is having are getting really worrying but she managed to stop repeating for an hour yesterday only because we had a run out and she was preoccupied. I mentioned many times that we can get some help so I don't think she will be too surprised we are going to the Doctors as she keeps asking me not to. Will let you know how we get on. Ive given her lots of praise and cuddles for yesterday but then she had a bad night. Its just swings and roudabouts at the moment. I feel a bit stronger today so fingers crossed.

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Guest zannie

Hi Symps,

Well today has been the worst I could have imagined.

Saw a GP well she was a registrar who was very short and fired lots of questions at her then said she would be referred for group therapy.

I said could she have one to one and she said no the waiting list is too long.

I came out confused as I thought she would be assessed and I don't think this group is specifically for OCD.

So I went to reception and had a word with a receptionist who is brill and she looked into it and said she could see another doctor at 5.00pm which was 20mins later.

I then saw this Doctor and said I thought she would be assessed first for OCD and he replied that we don't like to label people and that she can have the group thing after seeing someone first. But I don't think this is right. I mentioned going down the school route. They have been fantastic to me on the phone today. The Doctor said school have their own counsellors and my daughter could go to them but she should mention her problems to them . I am totally gutted/ exhausted as I want to get the right treatment for her. I think the group therapy is for things like self harm but Im not sure. School want me to phone them tomorrow so do you think they will be able to help. I am lost and upset with the whole day. Don't know where to go from here and of course she has been stressed and repeating worse tonight. She has been really brave today. I wonder whether it is all about funding with the GP. What do you think? You have been an absolute star.

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Guest zannie

Basically do you think a counsellor the school get/or could get would help like she had when she was younger or does she need a diagnosis and specialist therapy.

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Basically do you think a counsellor the school get/or could get would help like she had when she was younger or does she need a diagnosis and specialist therapy.

Hi Zannie,

Sounds as though it has been a rough day, unfortunately, from what I have learnt from being on this forum is that different councils or area's seem to have different ways of treating mental health problems. I was lucky, I was referred to my local mental health service straight away. It doesn't appear to be the same for everyone :-/

I would say your daughter needs to see someone who understands OCD & can help your daughter to understand it too, so that they can work together to assess what the triggers, obsessions & compulsions are & how best to go about dealing with them. Usually, this is a CBT therapist.

That being said, my counsin is 17 now, & has been diagnosed with OCD for the past few years. She saw a counselor through the NHS & also one provided to her by her school, & she found the school one to be the better of the two.

I would still recommend she see a CBT therapist, but in the meantime, it may be of some help seeing a counselor provided by the school (they may have some knowledge of OCD) & if your GP said your daughter could see someone before attending a group therapy, maybe they might be able to pick up on the OCD?

I've put a link here to the 'What to do if your GP refuses to refer you for CBT' here on the OCD UK website, hopefully it may be of some use to you :original: http://www.ocduk.org/gp-says-no-to-cbt

Stay strong :original:

Symps

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Guest zannie

Hi thanks Symps I read the link. It was a great help and I was going to fight for her regardless to go down the right avenue for support.

Today after numerous calls and begging over the last 2 days I have received a call to say that the GP will refer her to Camhs on the insistance of me and her school who have been amazing support. :original:

I feel that camhs will decide the best treatment for her not her GP who is not a specialist in this area.

She was referred to Camhs through the senco at primary school years ago and had good results when a lady saw her in school for a hour a week. Apparently schools cannot do referrals to Camhs anymore even with parental consent, it has to be her GP.

The GPs surgery said I should hear something by this time next week and to ring back if I haven't.

Her repeating is off the scale and she says that she used to say things in her head 4 times before she repeated out loud but says saying it to me relieves her having to do it in her head four times.

The problem we are having is she craves our reply of yes and that we understand her and feels out of control in her head if we don't. So we have to give in to her so to speak. When we don't reply/reassure she goes into meltdown. It is so hard and I know this is her compulsion and she says she cant stop doing it and is stressed at school trying not to repeat.

But at school there is more going on to break the repeating.

Thanks for all your help in getting us to get to this stage :original: :original:

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Hi Zannie,

I'm sure you would have fought to go down the right route for your daughter, it sounds as though you have been really supporting her, & having OCD I know how much that support means!

I also think it's really great the way your daughters school has supported her, especially with getting on to her GP! It certainly appears as though you are going in the right direction.

As for the compulsions, at some point they are going to have to stop if your daughter is going to beat her OCD. I don't know how much your daughter knows about OCD, but she has to realise that the fears she is having aren't real, they really are just intrusive thoughts that have no real meaning or power (except for the power to cause anxiety & fear) & that the only purpose acting out the compulsions is having, is to validate the original obsession & to give it meaning.

Unfortunately, because of this meaning we attach to our OCD, it makes it (quite understandably) hard to stop performing compulsions, as the anxiety which is normally taken away by the act of compulsion performing is left to simmer or even rise. This is why like you say, your daughter goes into a meltdown, because she's not getting a quick anxiety dashing fix. But like I say, all this goes to do is to validate the obsession/fear & make it repeat itself all over again.

Without seeing a therapist, I wouldn't recommend that your daughter go cold turkey, & just stop all her compulsions, as it may be too much for her (& you!), but it may be worth sitting down with your daughter & talking about her various obsessions & grading them on a scale of which causes her the most anxiety to which causes her the least & then , if she's willing, to try & stop performing the compulsions to those obsessions that cause her the least amount of anxiety. (Grading is used in CBT therapy, so that you can get used to dealing with obsessions which cause you low anxiety, before moving up the list till eventually you face your biggest fears, the idea being, by taking it one step at a time it is less daunting & overwhelming & also you learn the process so that when you come to your biggest fear, it's just another step up the ladder).

I hope this helps

Symps

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Guest zannie

Hi Symps,

Yes everything you have said makes perfect sense and its surprising what a difference a day makes. Feel so lucky that school are supportive.

We have explained to our daughter what is going to happen ie referral and she will see someone like she did before. She seems happier now tonight and she wants to get better she said to me last night. Still repeating and other random thoughts but think she is starting to control it better in herself. :original:

I know it will take time and it really is one step at a time. Its hard for us all but we will support her all the way.

Thanks again and I hope you are managing your OCD too and it sounds like you have had good support. :original:

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  • 9 months later...
Guest Walnut3

Hi Zannie, I'm brand new to this forum and am currently typing this at midnight whilst my 15 yr old daughter is asking her Dad repetitive and nonsensical questions and getting him to repeat back word for word the answers that she wants . Her distress levels are through the roof and my husband is about to flip, 3 hours on. This has been going on for 4 weeks and we are all at breaking point as we are getting no sleep. Your last post was a while ago but I wondered if you had found a solution ? Your daughter's OCD behaviours were so like mine. We are on week 2 of CBT but we're not sure as a family wether we can hold it together until we ( hopefully ) experience an improvement. Any advice would be hugely appreciated ..

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Hi Walnut

It doesn't look as though Zannie has been on the forum for the last 9 months, so she probably won't reply....hopefully, let's take that as a positive sign that things went well and she didn't need our support :)

I'm sorry to hear your Daughter is struggling like this. Sadly, colluding with the demands made by her (her OCD) won't help her at all. I know that's tough to hear and hard to do but responding to the demands of OCD ultimately worsens the problem. Hopefully the CBT Therapist will be able to explain why and go through this with you.

It's a tough ride for all of you but you can get through this. There are some excellent books available that may help you to help her. It's late now and I'm signing off but I'll try and post some links tomorrow.

Chin up.....it's very disheartening but something you will get through

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Hi Walnut

My daughter is 15 next month and she is having her 2nd bout of OCD currently. The first one was this time last year, she was assessed by CAMHS, started on medication and as the CBT waiting list was over 6 months, we located a private CBT therapist and she has been seeing her ever since. With the meds and CBT she made a fantastic recovery last year and has been well for a good 6 months, but the symptoms started to creep back in Novemer 2015. She is currently standing in the hallway at home as I type and she has been standing there since 5.10 this evening, so coming up for 2 hours. She says that the compulsions are making her unable to move forward. The natural thing that the Mum in me wants to do is to become emboiled in this compulsion and to do whatever she asks of me in order to move forward. (Which her Dad and I often do when it's 1am and she's just taken 3 hours to get a shower - we all need sleep!) But right now I have decided to try and take a back seat. I have explained to her that me stepping in and becoming involved in her compulsion is helpful to no-one and that she needs to overcome it under her own steam in order to move forward. So far my theory isn't working. Dealing with my child's OCD is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I just want to scoop her up and tell her that it will all be OK. But that won't work. I am sure that CBT will work, we have increased her sessions since she has had a relapse so we need to give it more time. I feel like I am going against my mothering instincts by not helping but I don't think that coluding will help. Tell your husband too that myself and my hubby often feel that we are going to flip, it is so very hard to carry on for hours and hours. My daughter takes up to 2 hours to eat (sometimes she doesn't eat) and around 3 hours to have a shower (which includes standing in the bathroom waiting to get in the shower too.), so bedtime is becoming a nightmare - usually between 12 and 2 am. She just stands and stares. Stick with it, it will get better.

If anyone else has any advice for either Walnut or myself, I would be really grateful to hear it.

Hears hoping, and good luck Walnut, keep in touch.

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