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Worried I Harmed a Woman with My Comment


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Hello. I’m worried that recently I caused a woman psychological damage by something I said to her at a bar that I went to with my friend last week. There was a Karaoke event that night. Right as the bar was closing, my friend approached two woman and started talking to them. I joined him in the conversation. I found both of them very attractive. They were smiling and seemed receptive. One of them had on braces which I thought looked good on her. I was still a bit drunk and I said to her “those braces look sexy on you”.

I meant it as a compliment, but in a funny sort of way. She started to act upset and said that I was making fun of her. She then asked her friend if she’d get into trouble if she punched me. She kept asking me what I meant. I explained to her that I really thought the braces looked good on her, and that I wasn’t making fun of her. She started to leave, but on her way out, she turned around to face me and said she just wanted to ask one more time why I said that. In my drunken state I said that “it was because I wanted to have sex with you”. She then said “oh, you’ll never have with me”. Then she left with her friend. My friend was surprised and told me “it’s good to be direct but not that direct”.

I’m worried that my comment about having sex with her could have had a lasting negative psychological impact on her. I want to find her and apologize. Recently I met a woman at an OCD support group who was raped, and it seemed like it had a lasting disturbing affect on her. Could words alone, like what I said about having sex with her, have the same affect on a woman like rape? I feel like I kind of violated her by what I said. What if now she thinks that all men only want to have sex with her and nothing else? Also, could my comment about her braces have permanently affected her self esteem? This past week at times I've wanted to find her and apologize or do something to mitigate.

These thoughts have especially distracted me this week when I’m having a conversation with someone.

Thanks!

Edited by Winchester
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Thanks PolarBear. But in my mind, this might not be minor. It was totally ridiculous of me to say that I wanted to have sex with her. I've never in my life said that to someone I just met. How can I know what affect it has on her mentally? At the very beginning she was smiling and flirty, but my comments caught her off guard.

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You don't know what effect it had on her. You have to live with the uncertainty. OCD craves certainty but never gets it.

You don't get to know the exact effect your words have on someone. None of us do.

I realize you don't think this is a minor situation. It is a minor situation from the outside looking in. The fact you are making a big deal of it shows your hyperresponsibility.

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Hi Winchester,

As PolarBear said, it sounds to me like you're worrying about this more than you need to. It also sounds to me like she's insecure about her braces and perhaps wasn't sure how to take a compliment.

Unfortunately, it sounds like a huge clash of events. You were drunk (or at least, tipsy), she overreacted and your comment was a little bit...forward. We all do that when we're drunk, we say things we don't mean. I once shouted at my husband "nice ****" in the middle of a Whetherspoons restaurant. What I didn't realise was how loud I said it, and at least 3 tables of people looked at me. We all do silly things with alcohol in us!

The truth of the reality is she was probably drunk, too. She threatened to punch you, so you're probably quite shocked that a pretty lady threatened to strike you (and yes, she would of been in trouble for that!). She also bluntly refused you, which has probably shocked you. If I were you, I'd chalk it up to an experience and try to forget about it.

The sad reality is that good people always want to make things up to people, the sad reality is that it's not always possible. It might of upset her, but the chances are she's forgotten all about it.

Hope this helps,

FoosBoo88 x

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Thanks a lot Polar and FoosBoo.

I suppose that since people w/o OCD wouldn’t be concerned about this, neither should I. Easier said than done but I will try.

Edited by Winchester
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