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OCD focusing on relationships


Guest Mochalover

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Guest Mochalover

Hi all,

I have suffered from anxiety since 6 form school age and it's been pretty much manageable until a year ago when I had the worse "blip" I've ever had. I woke up the night before starting a new job having panic attacks in my sleep etc and this period lasted for months. I was finally put on Atenolol after not a feeling right on citalopram (SSRI). To be honest I just wanted something to help calm the physical anxiety to try and work the rest out myself. My anxiety previous to the school epodes has always focused around work as I don't like what I do really.

I have been to see a psychiatrist privately while I waited to see an NHS CBT therapist and after a number of session with him he said my anxiety was related to "trauma", this made me massively panic and every session I came away from I was "spinning the wheel" in my head trying to solve what this trauma was and analyse the session. Remunerating over little things. During the visitations he did I had images where the adult me was strangling the child me and it really really upset me. He never did give me insight to what it meant.

My early childhood was amazing, idealistic but my adolescent years weren't. My Mum was (and still is) emotionally abusive to me and everything I've achieved (such as buying a house, going on nice holidays etc) she has been really negative and turned it round on her how she's been hard done too. She has an illness but also has issues with alcohol too. I was always blamed a lot for making her feel the way she felt.

Anyway after doing a lot of research into anxiety I realised that a lot of my thoughts are OCD related intrusive thoughts such as what if I have a child and hurt it, what if I'm gay, what if I don't really love my partner etc. All this came about when I was thinking that I can change my career once I've had a child in a few years time. These thoughts all caused a huge amount of anxiety and panic for me. I even at one point couldn't be in the same room as my friends child because I was so scared. Not that I would ever in a million years do anything to hurt him. But I was so anxious about the thoughts that I just had to stay away.

The most upsetting and anxiety driven one so far has been the "what if you don't really love your boyfriend" this has absolutely crippled me to the point where I have nowhere else to turn but here. I have googled everything about it, checked "how i felt" when I've kissed him, when he's gone, when he says I love you. To make matters even worse for the anxiety I got engaged in March this year too and I've got so worked up about everything that I called a break on our relationship, postponed the wedding... for me to see how I felt. I went away for a week and I felt horrendous I missed him so much. It doesn't help either that my sex drive has pretty much vanished. We still have sex and once I'm in it I'm into it but I just have not desire to before. Everything I read says "go with you gut" but because of this anxiety I just can't be clear. I've tried the toss a coin thing and all of the while I was thinking pls don't land on tails so I have to end it. Sometimes I think my gut says leave but other times I think it says stay. Also not sure if the gut is just a panic sick to my tummy feeling either. Where as when I think about staying I feel calm and ok with it.

Thing is I know I love my fiancé I really do but I just can't shake the guilt of having these thoughts or the anxiety which comes with them and not being excited about our wedding. I'm also so lucky to be with someone so understanding.

Also to note that before this bout of anxiety we went ring shopping (about a year before he proposed) and I honestly didn't feel a shred of doubt. I went to bed the night after we'd been shopping and saw him "so clearly". This happens to be the only saving grace in my head as I will never forget that feeling. I'm really scared of calling it off and making the biggest mistake of my life as we've been together for 7 years.

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In my experience, the things that I've been anxious about have been things that I really care about. You obviously care a lot about your relationship and your fiance, otherwise you would not be feeling this way. I don't believe that love is some magical thing that your gut has answers to (regardless of what magazines may say), it's based on experiences that you've had and the bond that you share. If you've been together for 7 years and agreed to marry this man, you probably do love him regardless of what your OCD says.

But what I can also say is that what really helped me get over various OCD fears was telling myself that things will not turn out to be a catastrophe. So what will happen if you don't really love him? Will the world end? NO! It happens all the time, to so many people. If you stop being happy together you can always end your relationship if it comes to that...and both of you would survive.

Maybe this isn't the kind of thing you want to hear, but I think that's why you're anxious. You're about to make a huge commitment and you're afraid of making a huge mistake. Even people without OCD have feelings like this before getting married. The point is that even if you do make a mistake, it's not the end of the universe, you have the resources to fix it if you have to.

I hope that this is even slightly helpful to you!

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Guest Mochalover

That's really helpful thank you. Yes anxiety is definitely focusing on the commitment not the person if that makes any sense. Thank you though for that. Really appreciate it!

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  • 3 weeks later...
Guest Rosiebella1

One thing I have learnt is that we listen to our gut more than we realise. I mean even now you are feeling unsure but deep down you know what you really want which is why you are still with him. For example when I split up with my ex I worried so much if I had made the right choice but I didn't go back. So I think that shows I went with my gut. Despite the fact you have these doubts you stay with him which shows that you do love him. Otherwise you would be single now having these doubts! Not sure if that makes sense but sometimes look at the picture as a whole. You have ocd but you still have feelings and know what you want. The ocd and anxiety might cloud these but the actions you are taking shows how you really feel. Just my insight anyway :) good luck I think as long as he is a nice guy who cares about you and loves you then you have no reason to worry!!! You will have a great long relationship and all these worries will disappear once you are married and living life!!

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Welcome Mocha, I hope you find the forums helpful! Relationship fears and doubts are a common theme among OCD sufferers, probably because as Mimi said above OCD often hits us in the areas that matter most to us. It can be overwhelming to feel this unexplained doubt over areas that we were previously so sure of, especially when we can't banish the doubt like we normally would. Fortunately it's possible to take on OCD and win, though it's going to take work and time. It's good to hear you are working to see a CBT therapist, that's the right approach for dealing with OCD. Unfortunately it sounds like your previous therapist wasn't very helpful, some just aren't well trained in treating conditions like OCD unfortunately. While you wait for your appointment I suggest looking at the information on the main site about OCD and how it's treated. The bookstore there has a number of good resources on OCD too, I highly recommend Brain Lock myself. Best of luck in your recovery!

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