Violent OCD

[Atlantis]

I work as a bouncer in a nightclub, last night two lads I was keeping an eye on decided to start tussling with each other. I went over to drag one of them off, who then came walking back over towards me, I just pushed him away however in a split second of rage my intention (although this is probably OCD thought patterns) was that he would stumble, hit his head off the desk and die as a result.. of course nothing happened - however because I was so extremely vexed at the time due to stuff going on in my personal life, I felt like I wanted to kill him.

A few seconds after I didn't care, but then a minute after I started panicking thinking "attempted murder" etc etc - I used to have this kind of OCD years ago, and it's been creeping back in ever since I started working on the doors.

I know it's far fetched and highly unlikely, but still not impossible - so now I just feel bad.

anyone had similar violent thoughts or actions where you've just lashed out?

[Guest Hunnibee]

Hi Atlantis

Yep, I have had and still have violent thoughts. A few years ago I was ironing and my ex boyfriend and I were arguing (towards the end of our relationship) and I wondered if I hit him with it what would happen and also if I could get away with it. At the time afterwards the thought scared the hell out of me... unfortunately my ocd developed much further and I have many thoughts all the time, my current boyfriend is excellent but I still worry about hurting him, I used to make him hide all the sharp objects in the house before bed, but he won't do it anymore as he now knows my reasons.

I also worry in certain social situations, usually if I drink I have thoughts about striking out against people, I am learning to deal with things and at the moment I have the thought and calm myself down by thinking "I have had all these thoughts before and nothing has happened, and nothing will" it doesn't stop the thoughts but I am trying to strike back against my ocd with more powerful rational thoughts!

Hope this helps, you're not alone.

[Atlantis]

Im just concered because I had the thought and then acted on it by pushing him, ok people do hit their head and have died as a result but I just carried on and pushed the guy away believing I wanted that outcome ?

[Atlantis]

Im just concered because I had the thought and then acted on it by pushing him, ok people do hit their head and have died as a result but I just carried on and pushed the guy away believing I wanted that outcome ?

Anymore thoughts on this people?

[Rachie]

Hi Atlantis.

I'm not being unsympathetic, but I think we've been here before...OK, not this exact same scenario but lots of similar ones. You know the drill, you can't keep trying to remember what you may or may not have been thinking. Thoughts just come to us in split seconds - you know all this...

Try to think what you'd say to a friend who came to you with the same problem.

How have you been lately?

[Atlantis]

Not been that great to be honest mate, I know we've been here before with other situations but the fact that people do hit their heads and die sometimes freaks me out, I knew this before I pushed the lad however still did it feeling I wanted it to happen. However if it had happened I'd have been distraught, maybe I did it without firmly believing it would happen.

[Rachie]

It's the OCD winding you up.

How often do people hit their heads and die? It's very rare, isn't it? See what your OCD is doing?

Come on - you can overcome this! I know you can.

[Rachie]

PS Has anyone ever made a complain against you at work, or have any of your colleagues said anything negative about you? I am guessing not - so what does that tell you?

[Atlantis]

No I'm a good doorman, certainly not like the others I work with, who can be extremely violent when provoked. I think I should quit the door anyway as situations like this don't help with the OCD. Certainly not when I'm stressed. No complaints about me, never been involved with the police or anything like that.

[Rachie]

Well, you certainly shouldn't quit because of the OCD alone. But you know that.

What are you going to do to deal with this?

[Atlantis]

I don't know hun to be honest, my shrink said its hardly attempted murder but at the same time it was dodgy behaviour if I took my mood out on someone - which is right, but he said he didn't think I was a risk to people. Also, it was just my imagination that he would die as a result of my pushing him - if for example he was lying on the ground then I wouldn't have gone over and stamped on his head or anything that was obviously going to cause damage - these kind of OCD thoughts i.e. the falling / hitting head have long been an obsession of mine and I think in the heat of the moment it errupted and I snapped - although it wasn't a guaranteed outcome, had it been I certainly wouldn't have done it.

[Atlantis]

Does anyone else think that the outcome of my push is far fetched? I have a very quiet logical thought going around but it's not as loud as the OCD thoughts.

[Rachie]

Atlantis, honestly, you don't need to ask. Listen to that quiet logical thought!