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Nicki

Bulletin Board User
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  • OCD Status
    Sufferer

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Belgium

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  1. hi guys, I believe it has almost been a year since I posted here and a lot has happened. Luckily for the best! I thought it would be a good idea to post something positive because I know how hard it can be to live with ocd. Trust me I have been there. I know how it can affect your live, your work, your relationships and even more important, affect the way you see yourself. I have had several types of ocd along the way but the one that stuck with me the longest was the pocd (pedophile ocd). It was terrible. It started when I was 15 and was there during my teenage year and early twenties. It consumed me completely. It seemed like nothing else mattered in life. I hated myself and was so scared of my ocd actually being real. My ocd mainly focused on little girls so you can imagine how scared I was when I got pregnant and the doctor said we were having a girl. That wasn't supposed to happen. I was convinced I would have a boy and everything would be ok. Having a girl just wasn't an option. My ocd wouldn't allow me to have a girl. Really selfish (especially since there are many people who are unable to get pregnant) but I really didn't feel like having a girl. It just didn't feel right. My ocd would get even worse once she was born. However, several months later she was there. I cried when she was born but I didn't feel that special thing you are supposed to feel I guess. I was really scared the days after giving birth and everything felt like a massive mistake. But then she grew a little bit older, she started to smile, to look at me, to hug me and now call me mama and OMG it is the best thing ever. I'm so happy I didn't let my ocd get in the way of what I really wanted to be: a mum. So please everyone that is having a really hard time now , trust me., you will get through it! it will get better! OCD doesn't own you. It is just a disease. Have patience. Especially be patient with yourself. Ocd doesn't just go away. It takes time and hard work. You will have setbacks. I still do. I still have bad days. But I know they pass. I really hope this can give somebody the trust and confidence they need to move forward and do what you really want to do. Even with an ocd as nasty as pocd. Good luck - Nicki
  2. Hello everyone, It has been a while since I have posted here but I could really use some support. I have been dealing with pure ocd (pedophile theme) for more than 10 years now and I keep getting relapses. What makes things worse now is that I just found out I'm pregnant. Me and my boyfriend have been trying for a baby for some months but just before I found out, I had a relapse again. I feel so bad at the moment and don't know how to deal with this. Although I have been diagnosed with OCD, my worst fear remains this is not ocd at all. I tried to contact my psychologist but apparently she is on sick leave till at least after summer. Has anybody else been through the same situation? Was there anyting that helped? Nicki
  3. hi all, I could really use some help and some guidance on how to deal with a general feeling of anxiety or at least a feeling of being scared of almost anyting. I have had ocd for more than 10 years now but although I have had relapses, I'm doing really well at the moment when it comes to my OCD. However, I'm kind of struggling with anxiety for the more "normal" stuff in live and not sure how to get rid of it. As a kid I was kind of a dare devil and not easily scared but since my ocd started I have way more anxiety than I used to have, and this also when I'm not really dealing with ocd issues. Like dealing with OCD on a daily basis isn't enough, I feel like I'm Always living with anxiety and I feel scared of almost everything. I'm scared of several animals, pain , pregnancy, Heights, flying, needles,... it's getting really frustrating sometimes. I guess after having a certain form of OCD, a person might be more sensitive when it comes to anxiety, but still not in such high levels. I have heard of general anxiety disorder but I don't think my "symptoms" fit this disorder. Can anybody relate to this and maybe give some tips on how to reduce the anxiety? I did notice that I'm often quite scared of things that I don't have control over and don't know what to expect. Nicki
  4. hi ST Mke, yes I know ocd can be a pain and leads to constant doubt and rumination.That's what makes it so hard right:not knowing what is what anymore. Really exhausting Any tips towards recovery as an ex sufferer? Nicki
  5. All. I DONT know why i keep posting. I just do not know what to do anymore. I know how to tackle OCD as i have done it before. I just cannot deal with the doubt this is is Ocd in the first place. Although having received it as a diagnosis before it stays hard to move forward. It seems to be taking the easy route instead of confronting who i really am. Believing this is ocd feels like lying to myself. I am juist so fed up with thuis after 12 years of feeling bad. Nicki
  6. Are you struggling with the same theme as well?
  7. hi all, Could really use some support here. I know nobody is going to tell me it's ocd and that concerns me a lot as I cannot convince myself. I'm hoping so much it's ocd so then I know all of this isn't my fault. Is this normal? Most people are freightened by the idea it's ocd. Nicki
  8. hello again , I believe you are able to recover from this as we know ocd is a treatable illness. In your first comment you said that you don't have a lot of thoughts and that you are not obsessing while clearly you are. It might be that you are puzzled by this because that feeling of anxiety is not really there anymore and that's why you feel empty. You are not used to not having so much thoughts that you feel rather freaked out. I do doubt my ocd so much and wonder if it's ocd at all and whether I will recover. But like I said before, this is really common here and I just had a post on this myself. and like Polar bear Always says : you need to take a leap of faith here that it's ocd. And it's like I said earlier.. people that are homo-bi-heter-... sexual , they just know. They don't go over and over their sexuality again and again. They just know.
  9. Hi polarbear. Once again thank you for taking the time to respond. How did you manage to convince yourself of was OCD without doubt ? I always feel lying to myself or taking the easy road by blaming it all on ocd.
  10. Why should it have lifted as well? I had several obsessions the past twelve years including relationship ocd, vomitting, afraid of being a necrophile...alll these are as good as gone but the pocd is Always there. Probably because this means the most to me and hurts me the most. That probably is the case for you as well. Stand back for a moment and try to be objective. It's clear you spend so much time worrying about this ... people who are heterosexual or homosexual don't have that. They have known all along. They don't doubt this.
  11. Thanks a lot for the reply. I think my main issue still is the doubt about my ocd diagnosis. I know how to tackle OCD as i have done a lot of reading and had erp. It always comes back to me as what if there is more to it and if it is not OCd ?
  12. Same here. Because if it is not ocd i am a bad person. Believe almost everyone here has this issue. Otjerwise they would just accept the thoughts instead of posting here
  13. I doubt having OCD all the time myself and it is a reocurring thing on the forum as well
  14. It is not because her OCD was not like That that yours isnt. And maybe she just didnt write about this. All of her experiences over the years were put in a small book.
  15. Unfortunately I cannot answer that but it surely looks like this. Have you tried reading Pure by Rose Bretecher?
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