ocd guilt i dont know what to believe anymore

[Guest roseanne]

Hi,

I usually suffer more from compulsions than obsessions, at least that is what i used to think. I have had OCD for almost ten years but I just found out what it was a couple of years ago.

I have been trying to fight my compulsions and they got much better, however I have been getting horrible obsessions in return.

I am married and I would really like someone as a friend and then the obsessions start. What if you like them, why did you have that particular thought, what if you feel something and so on. I had a similar thing a couple years ago but just identified it as what it was now. I knew I did not romatically like that person but these intrusive thoughts came to mind. I love my husband more than anything and I always just wanted him, I have been in love with him since day one, but WHAT IF OCD is just my excuse for it? what if I am that horrible person that would like/ liked someone else? I know I am not but my brain wants me to think that and I feel such guilt and my brain is trying to convince me that I betrayed my husband. I dont know if my memories are real or what memories are real. Everytime one obsession gets better, the next one or an old one starts.

I have been thinking about suicide a lot because I feel like a horrible person and I cant live with that guilt and anxiety anymore.

When I tell my husband these things he resents me and I dont blame him.

What is going on?

Even if someone would reassure me that its OCD i would probably doubt it and think that thats just what I want to hear but its not true.

[PolarBear]

You'll be happy to hear I'm not going to reassure you.

The most likely reason your obsessions are bothering you so much is because you are engaging in compulsions. Questioning your motives in your head, going over the situation, is ruminating and is a compulsion.

Performing compulsions just gives the obsessions more power.

[Guest Stormwave]

I hope this isn't reassurance, as PolarBear said, ruminating is a compulsion and hence is detrimental.

I have similar guilt/memory issues though, and my psychologist gave me a really good tip to handling it. You can never know the past for certain, it's impossible. As time goes by memory gets hazier, so it becomes more difficult to know anything with even a degree of certainty, which lends your OCD some credibility in it's claims. However! Think about what you would do now in the same situation. If you would never do that thing now, then you can be certain of one of two things. Either a) You most likely never did it in the first place, as it clearly isn't part of your character, or b) You did do it, but as the thought now terrifies you, you have clearly changed as a person. The past remains the past, anybody willing to see your regret will forgive you for a mistake you may have made and thus the fearful consequences don't apply.

I hope that helps, that's what I use. Let yourself think about that once, and then next time it pops into your head think "No, I've thought about this rationally, I won't think about it again."

Edited August 21, 2014 by Stormwave

[Guest roseanne]

Thank you for your answers.

The things you guys say are very true, however, I already did think things like "No, I've thought about this rationally, I won't think about it again." and my brain just would not stop, look for more specific situations, ie thoughts i might have had etc. ! and then it starts all over. it just gives me guilt and anxiety one moment i could be fine, thinking i thought about it rationally etc. and then I would panic again.

Edited August 21, 2014 by roseanne

[Guest Stormwave]

You just have to try your best to stop it. When it flares up, try and do something distracting. Solve a puzzle, think of something else in detail, remember and focus on something nice. I know that's easier said than done, but it's really the only way to stop pure rumination (as far as I am aware). I personally find relaxation techniques to be terrible, as it just gives my brain more room to ruminate. Try and do something intense (I play video games or solve puzzles, they tend to work quite well).

Edited August 21, 2014 by Stormwave