Reassurance in OCD

[Caramoole]

The issue of reassurance is one that often crops up when discussing OCD, sufferers asking "Why is reassurance harmful, it helps me to feel better?"

Good question and a difficult one to explain and sometimes understand.

There is no doubt that reassurance does have it's place, particularly in the early days of finding we have OCD, in the period of time prior to our understanding the condition. Of course we need to be reassured, we need to be reassured that the feelings we have are not signs of insanity, that these are feelings that are common amongst OCD sufferers, we even need to be reassured about the likelyhood or lack of when it comes to catching HIV or becoming contaminated or that we won't harm someone.

At this stage the word reassurance can be easily interchanged with support, education or encouragement.

We all need to understand and be reassured that we have an anxiety condition, we need to be reassured about the nature of the condition and we need to be reassured that we can work towards being in control.

Reassurance at this stage is necessary but then come the BUTS.... constant reassurance does be come counter productive, it does reach a point where, rather than help, it actually helps maintain and worsen the sufferers OCD.

Why? Because it will never, ever be enough...there will always be another 'What if' question another 'Yes...but' statement and it really neutralises the effects of exposure. Support is good, reassurance can and does become a very iffy area.

Eventually we sufferers have to take an educated plunge and deal with the very thing that we fear and without reassurance.

I hope you'll forgive me Carolyn for using your recent thread/s as an example but they are a classic example that shows how reassurance doesn't work, how it actually keeps us firmly locked into the loop. We can spend hours, days or weeks reassuring someone about their specific OCD fear, explaining how unlikely this is to happen, how that's impossible, how to be kind to themselves...and yet, the fear doesn't go, there is always another 'Yes but' or ...having dealt with that crisis a different one is only to follow a matter of days later.....and so the reassurance starts all over again on that NEW problem or fear....and so it goes on and on and on.

Far from helping, there comes a point where we are actually helping worsen and damage someone and their OCD problems. I'm sure that we'd all agree that we'd never offer a recovering alcoholic a large whisky to steady his nerves, we'd never give our two year old a box of fireworks to play with simply because they wanted to and are throwing a tantrum.

Why? Because we know it's harming them or is dangerous.

It's the same with an OCD sufferer pleading to be reassured, it isn't helping them.

Carolyn mentioned to me on Saturday 'That there's loads of reassurance going on on these forums' and she's right in many respects.

I think what happens is that people genuinely believe that they are offering support....and they are.

BUT there comes a point when even explaining why X,Y or Z won't happen, why someone is in no danger of contacting AIDS or attacking someone. What starts out as educational support gradually changes to reassurance. It is a very difficult one for Mods to act on when they know that the person offering the advice is absolutely well-intentioned, who is trying to help...and yet the sad fact is that often it doesn't help.

Whatever the nature of each individuals OCD, there does come a point where they are in possession of enough facts to be reasonably sure that there is no real risk, that this can be identified as the horrible, scary and frightening feelings created by OCD. It's at that point that they have take the risk and try to deal with the anxiety that it creates.

It is a sad (but important) fact that there are no short cuts, no easy ways to gain control of OCD. The forum sees hundreds of posts asking about vitamins, supplements, hypnosis, EFT, yoga...whatever it may be. We see sufferers doing endless searches on the Internet to find that one nugget of information that will "Solve" this awful condition that they have found themselves suffering from. The sad truth is there isn't one, if there was we wouldn't need to be searching for one, we'd all know it. This is something I wish I'd learned many years ago.

The truth is, the path to gaining control of this condition is knowledge and education, exposure to the feared thing, relaxation, giving up the need of reassurance and for some, medication.

I think we all need to give thought to the question 'Am I helping this person or am I helping to maintain their condition?', when we make our replies. It is an important question and I know that every single persons intention is to help, it is a completely genuine act....but we still need to pause and ask the question.

It is not always easy being a Moderator, I know we are sometimes seen as awful or harsh or insensitive. Nothing could be further from the truth, each Mod dedicates a great deal of time to assist others, voluntarily and often putting themselves in a position of very difficult situations and triggers to their own OCD, it can be very stressful to some.

To be supportive is the easy bit, everyone likes to be liked, thought of as kind and it's not easy giving advice that the recipient doesn't want to hear. The easiest thing in the World would be to offer the comments that the sufferer wants to hear. Sadly, that's not always the truth or the best way to help someone.

Each and everyone of us needs to ask 'Am I helping to support this person or is my reassurance supporting their condition?'

The best advice comes in sharing our knowledge, our positive experiences, our tips, even our difficulties.

I'm not saying reassurance never has a place, there are certain instances where it does, after all, one of the defentions of the word 'Reassurance' is "To restore to assurance or confidence"

....and remember, we wouldn't give our toddler that box of Fireworks to play with just because they wanted to.

The same is right with reassurance, we shouldn't provide it just because someone wants us to. Reassurance is briefly lived and potentially damaging to our OCD.

What we all want for each other is success and the ability to live a happy and full life.

Caramoole

[Guest fairycasey]

hi caramoole

can i just say thankyou for writing this, i am am admin and tech support to another site not related to OCD and i know how difficult it can be at times for admin, modorators and members alike.

we are here to support each other but at the end of the day we have to go it alone if we are to get through this and we will.

i would just like to say what a great job the admin, modorators and members do, you all work very hard to keep this forum going so a big fairy thankyou for me

fairycasey

[Guest legend]

Well done to all the admin/mods etc and to you caramoole for explaining so accurately what lies beneath the seeking of reassurance,

although when the urge to seek reassurance seems impossible to resist, you have got to, it is the only way that you start to beat ocd.

We are all here, sufferers and family members alike, to support, praise and advise each other, because when you are first diagnosed,

it seems then is the most vunerable times especially on the reassurance side!!

This post has underlined the process of seeking reassurance, it only feeds the ocd and you are not going to recover unless you can

accept the fact that you are suffering from ocd,be it pure o or ocd, and posting over and over seeking reassurance can make you 10 times worse

and however harsh the replies sound, it is the knowledge of fellow sufferers and those who have "nearly beaten" it,that know best.

Thanks again caramoole for a fantastic post, it does not come much clearer than that. :clapping:

[snowbear]

Hi Caramoole.

First let me say what a great post, and that I agree with everything you said, but I wanted to put in a small example of how not all reassurance is harmful as sometimes carers can get the message that they must never reassure.

I believe that whilst 'carte-blanche' reassurance over and over for the same thing is harmful, especially when it is clear that the message isn't getting through, I also think that there are times when reassurance can be part of helping someone.

Let me give you an example- I have phobias over post to such an extent that I have sealed my letterbox and have post delivered into a box outside. My friend empties the box for me when she visits, lifting out one item at a time and either binning it (most things :blushing: ) or taking it away with her to pay the bill or whatever. Last week there was an item which looked like my main phobic item from a distance. I was going spare. I had to ask her many times to confirm that the item wasn't what I feared, but eventually the message got through and my brain was able to get things back in perspective. Now modern OCD traetments would say that that reassurance was bad for me. Yet if she hadn't done it, I would have binned not only that weeks post but all post for the next 3-6 months, wihout taking it out of the box. I would have poured 10 bottles of dettol over the porch to cleanse it, and even then may not have been able to let anyone in over the porch again for many weeks or even months. Last time it happened I couldn't even open my front door for weeks on end and was completely cut off from the world- including shopping supplies. Not only that but my ocd rituals would have gone off the scale and I would have literally beaten myself up in fear and distress.

If reassurance is kept for crisis points and major issues and comes from someone you trust, it is a lifesaver. A dose of very powerful medicine that should be treated with respect, but not denied to those who are genuinely in need of it. Sadly we must put the burden of deciding when and how much to use on those who care for us.

[Guest legend]

Totally agree snowbear, there are times when you need reassurances, especially when there are major

problems, but as you have said, it is knowing best when to give it,it is a grey area.

The main issue really is, if a sufferer continuasly posts and wants reassurance 24/7 thats when you step back

and tell the sufferer, come on,this is not going to help you at all.

But if a sufferer asks "do people have this/that"yes we reply, all of us in our own way, to try and reassure

that sufferer and tell them that they are not alone, which is what i wanted at my lowest points.

But if you continuasly reply on the same subject, what if it isnt, maybe, it could be that, thats when you step back and say, enough reassurance, dont research the illness etc, because you are not going to get

any better, in fact it is going to make your condition worse.

A good post snowbear, cheers legend

[Guest brennie]

Snowbear, I have been finding it difficult for a few days on how to find the right words to say to this topic of Caramooles.

Whilst i fully understand what Caramoole says .. i think that each and everyone of us is an individual all with the same illness but affects us all very differently, so in some rare cases it takes much longer to have the patience which we offer each other.

I can relate to your personal issues and i understand the anxieties you have experienced, i am so glad you have this special friend that gives you the understanding and help you need, you probably have times when you can do this problem yourself without to much distress !! ... and that in itself says that i dont see the harm in " re:assurance "when times get so out of hand it causes too much anxiety for the individual.

Re:assurance in small doses and dire circumstances are needed in desperation " i know this from my own experiences "

My daughter, grandchildren, and husband have my best friend to thank for my life because of the love,support and re;assurance which she never tired of many years ago, in time we realise for ourselves that it is all self imposed and the ocd is univentful to us, but we all as individuals need different levels of re:assurance / help from those who dont lose patience.

Many Regards to all,

Brennie x

[Guest Shar]

I wonder whether there is some confusion going on here between the word 'reassurance' in an OCD context, reassurance in a general context, and the wholly admirable act of providing someone with support, guidance, a helping hand? Just a thought. The way to hell is paved with good intentions.

[snowbear]

All I was trying to say is that the message is repeatedly given out that to reassure is bad. I was trying to clarify that there is a difference between constant 'echoing' that all is ok when the words aren't helping to alter behaviour, and maybe needing to reassure on a particular issue several times in order to help the sufferer regain control.

[Caramoole]

All I was trying to say is that the message is repeatedly given out that to reassure is bad. I was trying to clarify that there is a difference between constant 'echoing' that all is ok when the words aren't helping to alter behaviour, and maybe needing to reassure on a particular issue several times in order to help the sufferer regain control.

Whoah folks, let's not get too heated about this

If you look at my original post you will see that I agree, there are times when we all need to be reassured and for good reason. There are also times when we need to be reassured and it's perhaps not the best course of action but Hell, that's OCD and it is a pretty fierce opponent, we win some, we lose some, we're not infallible.

If reassurance is kept for crisis points and major issues and comes from someone you trust, it is a lifesaver

I agree in part, it saves us in the moment and helps us get through, sometimes, despite good intentions, we just need that reassurance.... but we still need to be working towards facing those exposures that are causing that intense anxiety and that is a really important fact in gaining control over the intense anxiety and fear that OCD brings.

i think that each and everyone of us is an individual all with the same illness but affects us all very differently

I'm not entirely sure that I can agree with that, it's almost like saying that 'My OCD is worse than yours'. I don't mean that rudely or aggresively Brennie, honestly I don't, I have had OCD for a very long time and at very intense levels and I do know where you're coming from but... we have to look at every consideration that keeps us deeply locked into the condition and what can help us be in control and reassurance is an issue that has to be taken into consideration. We have to look at what keeps some people locked into this painful situation and what helps those claim some degree of mastery.

I hope that after 3 years as a contributor to this forum that people can at least accept that any opinion I share is based on personal experience and an intent to help if, where and when I can...anything less would be a bit pointless really.

OCD and anxiety create very, very powerful fear and emotions which is why it can create a very strong resistance to worsening those emotions by relinquishing that which comforts us, the essence of my post .

I am not "Cured" of OCD but 95% of the time I am in control and I can only share that and hope that someone at least gleans something from my success's and from my failures and mistakes...otherwise I'd be better off turning on the TV or going to the pub.

Don't accept what I say, take from it what you will...... we can only share our experiences.

Caramoole

[Guest Shar]

Oh, i hope i haven't offended anyone. I was just trying to point out that it's obviously acceptable to help someone out if they are really stuck, but what we've seen on some posts on here has been ultimately keeping the sufferer trapped in that cycle. God knows i'm not perfect and i crave reassurance as much as the next OCD sufferer. And it helps. For a time. But it won't make me better. Caramoole, your advice is excellent. I urge everyone to take note. And again, apologies for my clumsy post!

[Guest brennie]

Caramoole, you are an assett to the forum and i think the volunteering time you put into it is marvellous.

I totally admire you for your hard work and i DO understand your meanings.

Total regards and respect to you

Brennie x

[Biccy]

hi all

my personal thoughts on reassurance was it didnt help my ocd it gave me only tempoary relief

and ultimatley re enforced the thought and so i sought more of it. i believe this held me back from learning how to cope with ocd and until i started cbt i could not see it as it was like a comfort blanket and a way to aviod anxiety and anxiety provoking situations.

xx

[Mel1971]

hi

have to agree with what biccy said about reassurance being a short term fix and a comfort blanket that needs to be discarded

I know i dont have ocd but have up close and personal experience of cbt as i have been to many sessions with my husband and hes reported back to me what has happened when i'm not there - also his old pscyhologist used to ring me the next day after seeing him to tell me too.

When we told her that i reassured marc that he wasnt a paedophile (pure ocd) after him asking me a hundred times and me answering every time,...she looked at me and said 'you must stop this now, youre not doing him any good, i know its not your fault, you didnt know the dangers of reassurance, but it must stop now"

I never answered another ocd question again, even now when he is ill, i do not reassure him.

The kind of reassurance i do use...........'youre know youre not going mad, its ocd', 'you know deep down youre not faking it, its ocd', and lots of love and support.

Melissa xx

[Guest legend]

theres the nail mel, and you have hit it right on the head, as i am similar to marcs pureo , my god do you need

reassurance, who woul not, continuasly having thoughts that i was a pd of the incest variety.

tell me the truth? maybe i did, i must be blah blah blah, but because the element of doubt is there, you need

reassuring, which is part of human nature, "normal" people always ask the next day after a good nite " i cannot

believe i said this, o h no i did that how embarrasing" you tell them to forget it, which is reassurance, ocders

will then try to renact the problem, trying to relive the scenario, and there will never be an answer to the equation, because it means sod all, but ocd needs reassuarnce,trying to recollect the tineast particles.

As you have said, reassurance only adds insult to injury, if i said i see a grey horse, and every body said it was black, i still would need the truth, because that how ocd brain works, and until you believe the TRUTH, reassurance will make you an even more anxious person and even more doubtful.

[Mel1971]

hi

I would like to point out that when the psychologist asked me to stop reassurance was his first cbt appt and i went with him for support - this was three years ago, and i had no idea

i was horrified that i could have been doing more bad than good, i had thought i was helping - i know i had the best of intentions but i still felt awful after i realised what i'd been doing for years was so wrong and making him worse.

also i really really do try not to give reassurance to people on the forum, but it can be difficult as with so many types of ocd (and me being used to only pure o) that i could have given reassurance without really meaning to!!!

legend - thats so true - 'reassurance will make you a more anxious person and even more doubtful'.

Melissa xx

[Caramoole]

I have to confess I was a HUGE reassurance seeker......I didn't know it was a problem, I thought it was helping me :blushing: I had no idea how harmful it could be, I'd never even thought about it.

Once I realised and learned more, I also realised that a lot of it was also a huge habit, something I just did.

I must stress that HABIT is quite an accurate description as well. Once I knew the harmful and self-perpetuating effect it could have I worked hard at stopping it. I identified what I was doing and when my mouth was about to ask that damn question again I

The refreshing news is that it was`FAR easier than I expected to break the habit and much of it WAS habit. Now, I never ask for reassurance, ever.... and it's very powerful.

The need to ask seems the most natural thing in the World but once we learn why it can actually be so destructive, we owe it to ourselves to try our best to work at beating it.

Start small....like any urge (which is what this is), start by postponing if needs be....stop, think and refrain.....make a deal with yourself that YOU WON'T ASK THAT QUESTION RIGHT NOW...you'll wait a while.

It really is a homework that's worth trying....try it out this week and let me know how it goes.

Caramoole

[Guest Fallen Angel]

Last week there was an item which looked like my main phobic item from a distance. I was going spare. I had to ask her many times to confirm that the item wasn't what I feared, but eventually the message got through and my brain was able to get things back in perspective. Now modern OCD traetments would say that that reassurance was bad for me. Yet if she hadn't done it, I would have binned not only that weeks post but all post for the next 3-6 months, wihout taking it out of the box. I would have poured 10 bottles of dettol over the porch to cleanse it, and even then may not have been able to let anyone in over the porch again for many weeks or even months. Last time it happened I couldn't even open my front door for weeks on end and was completely cut off from the world- including shopping supplies. Not only that but my ocd rituals would have gone off the scale and I would have literally beaten myself up in fear and distress.

Im really sorry snowbear if I cause you any upset,but I have to totally disagree with you.

If I can use a situation from my own experience in the same context,I have on many occassions in the past asked for this type of reassurance from my husband,asking him to clarify that I have not touched a contaminated object,in order to prevent me from carrying out a compulsion,i.e washing my hands unecessarily.I used to think this was beneficial in reducing my compulsions as,had I not been `reassured` and decided then that washing was unecessary,I would have overcompensated,exactly as you have stated,by washing over and over again.While this seems a far worse outcome on the surface,my husband,in helping me prevent compulsive washing,was also preventing me from getting better,as I relied on his assistance.In my experience,if you use ANYONE to help you resist compulsions,you are only hindering your own path to true recovery.How would you deal with your phobias and compulsions if your friend wasn`t around?How would you learn to help yourself?

Apologies if this post seems a bit harsh,but ocd is a very harsh condition.Basically this type of reassurance is merely avoiding helping ourselves to get better.

no offence intended.

love and good luck,sam xx

[Caramoole]

Apologies if this post seems a bit harsh,but ocd is a very harsh condition.Basically this type of reassurance is merely avoiding helping ourselves to get better.

no offence intended.

I don't think it's harsh Samantha....it's....how shall we say, delicate, because it's often hard to share our opinions when we know that some may find them hurtful at this moment in time.

As sufferers none of us want to insult, hurt or offend any fellow sufferer because we know all too well how painful it can be but we are all at different levels of recovery, some are a bit further along the road and are painfully aware of the things that we now know were in fact damaging to our progress.

Providing we are all respectful, courteous, considerate.....it's so important that we share our success's and past failures....as sufferers we, perhaps more even than health professionals, are in a position to truly know and share how difficult these things are.

Similarly, it's important that other sufferers don't take on board these opinions as judgements or personal criticisms (easy to do when we're really trying our best, it's easy to feel personally hurt), we're all fighting the same battle, sharing what we can and it's up to each of us to take from that advice what we will, when we're ready to.

Providing we always maintain consideration, courtesy and understanding we can all only benefit.

Caramoole

[Guest Fallen Angel]

Thank you Caramoole,I can assure you I would be mortified if my post upset anyone.All too often there seems to be no easy way of saying things.I do not lack compassion,it is because I care so much about the people that use the forum that I reply to their posts.I am aware I can be a bit opinionated at times but I have been through the mill myself and the only way I have been able to improve is by pushing myself beyond my imagined limits.

Like many others on the forum,I have had several types of ocd,including contamination ocd and I understand the overwhelming fear and distress which has made me stand in the shower for half a day before getting out,and I know how impossible it can seem to start to overcome severe compulsions.I truly wish the very best for snowbear and other sufferers.

[Guest John-s]

I think "reassurance" is bad when we mean, "we are not sure of our judgement", "we are not sure if we did something right", "we think we may have done something wrong", or "we are not sure if we did it at all". In summary, a judgement issue. This is OCD, if we do what it wants (reassure our judgement in whatever ways), it will strengthen OCD. Myself I think OCD gets its "food" in 2 ways.

1) When we try to remove thoughts and urges from our mind.

2) When we "obey" to those thoughts and urges with rituals, with opposite thoughts, etc.

Edited March 12, 2007 by John-s

[snowbear]

Perhaps I am fooling no-one but myself, but I cope with 99.99% of my ocd by myself and almost never ask for reassurances. So to have a very rare occassion that I realise I am stuck and 'use' someone with a normal perspective on the world to re-ground me quickly and efficiently, seems to me allowable.

I hear and understand what you are all saying about it not helping in the long term, and I agree with you that by using reassurance you have lost one opportunity to fight back against the control that ocd has over us.

However, I have had this condition for 35 years,and as a fiercely independant person have often suffered unnecessarily and lost much ground in the overall battle against ocd precisely because I used to beat myself up and make myself much worse rather than ask for any kind of reassurance or help. It has taken me a long ,long time to learn that in a war that lasts your whole lifetime, there are battles it is important to win, and odd occasssions when it is ok to admit we are human and not infallible. Very occassionally it is more sensible to take the easier route and live to fight another day, than exhaust yourself in a battle that you know you are not capable of winning at that time. A battle you must fight again, not only tomorrow,but the next day and every day after that, and one that you will win on another occassion without so much detriment to your overall health.

I will win the battle against ocd one day because I am bolshy enough to refuse to let the win overall. But finally in my 'old age' I have learned that I do not have to fight it alone and in silence regardless of the consequences. There are times when it is actually the right thing to do to ask for help. There are occassions when it is actually more beneficial to 'go with the flow' than to hit your head repeatedly on a brick wall. But don't let this fool you into thinking I don't fight back against the ocd, or that I condone anyone seeking reassurances when they know in their hearts they are already denying the answer because the ocd is telling them to. If we want to reclaim our lives from ocd, we must be painfully honest with ourselves and stop the unhelpful behaviour patterns whenever we recognise them. Noone is more aware of a lost opportunity to conquer this illness than the person going through it who has to swallow their pride and ask for reassurance.

P.S. No-one needs to worry about offending me with their replies. Firstly I have a thick skin, and secondly, I post my opinions on an open public forum.I don't expect everyone to agree with me and indeed what an impoverished world it would be if we all had the same point of view. Not to mention that it would be a very short debate indeed!

[Guest Shar]

What never ceases to amaze me about OCD is how we can all identify with each other, and yet, at the same time, it is an immensely personal illness. You could have two people who would list their problem as, for example, "checking", and yet it can manifest itself and affect them in so many different ways, including what treatment is best for them and their speed of recovery - or at least, getting it under control.

We're all "reading from the same hymn sheet" - but we're not necessarily on the same line... :laugh:

I don't expect everyone to agree with me and indeed what an impoverished world it would be if we all had the same point of view. Not to mention that it would be a very short debate indeed!

And how refreshing to see such a mature and enlightened attitude. :clapping: :clapping:

[Guest John-s]

==> I re-edited this post to remove any references that may add more problems to those who seek reassurance.

@snowbear:

Well, I guess everyone gets to conclusions from his/her own condition. For example myself, whenever I asked for reassurance from a relative, I almost always reasked and this had as a result to have the OCD urge to repeat my action, I repeated my action most of the times, had the same and/or new OCD urges, and at the same time the relative got tired of this. Keeping a journal has been proven to be a very effective method to cope with this medical condition for me.

@Shar:

How true indeed.

:boat:

Edited March 13, 2007 by John-s

[Guest Lizbeth]

Part of being human is needing, from time to time, reassurance. However, when it comes to OCD it seems to me that constant reassurance seeking is turning an internal problem outwards. We have a problem, we have OCD, an anxiety disorder...the fears, be it AIDS, pregnancy or harming those we love are not the problems in themselves but manifestations of the condition. No amount of reassurance that these fears are not true will ultimately help because these are manifestations of the problem...reassurance only tackles the surface, not the root of the problem which is and remains OCD. It's a short term fix because the OCD remains below the surface and will always find other things to latc on to.

Like Caramoole, I used to be very 'big' on reassurance and would repeat the same questions over and over and over again. Did it ever help? Occasionally but never for long and it did nothing for my OCD long term. What has helped me the most and has been the hardest to do is taking full control of my own mind and responsibility for my feelings and reactions. It isn't easy and I stumble a lot but it seems to me the only way out of this thing.

Just my thoughts.

xxc

[Guest legend]

well put jade, i totally agree with you, i think when you get diagnosed with ocd, be it pure or whatever, it is like

being born again, the weight lifts off your shoulders, but what you must do is learn in a "phlisophical way," Is learn to stand up on your own 2 feet!!! some people take longer than others, but reassurance will always hinder.

If You were diagnosed with lung cancer, and the specialist says" if you stop smoking ,the cancer will subside, and you will feel better in the long run,and the chances are we can get a grip of this, what would you do??

If a specialist,or fellow sufferer said " You have ocd, if you seek reassurance on a constant basis, the ocd is going to get no better" what would you do?

I think we all know the anwers.

Edited March 12, 2007 by legend