8 replies to this topic

[Will321]

Hey guys, it's been a while since I posted on here, and I hope you're all well. I hope this thread isn't too off topic, just I have been battling through what I would suggest is a depression relapse bringing up my obsessive thinking to a "day-ruining" level.
Nostalgia is what seems to be taking over my life, and the fact I cannot let go of the past (going back about 8-9 months ago when I was actually happy). I just sit around all day listening to emotional songs dwelling on the past.

I am wondering if this is a typical symptom of depression that anyone else has been through? Just, I feel alone with all this as my friends and other people I know are getting on with their lives, learning to drive, partying, socializing often, etc, yet all I want to do is go back in time and re-live the same time over and over again. There was a girl involved who I did get very attached to, and I mucked it up because of my social anxiety and insecurities. I haven't forgiven myself since and all I want to do is go back and try again and again. No matter what I do or where I am, I am constantly re-living the past in my head and getting really depressed over it and losing interest in life activities in general. I just think all day long to the point of sometimes working myself up.
As I'm now 18, alcohol has been their to "drown my sorrows" but I am not trying to fall into this trap, even though it seems like a quick and easy escape, I know it won't help anything. Yet I am guilty of having a few to shut my brain up. This is something that I really don't want to get out of hand.

I just don't know what to do. I just don't care about my present or the future and am feeling down and unmotivated for life 24/7.
Just need to talk to someone.
Thanks.

[Steve1983]

I am a sufferer of bad depression. If affects me in every way you can imagine. During my more melancholic periods I do tend to look back at the past a lot and morn its loss - especially when I am lonely, which is frequent. I also have the tendency to obsessively re-run past mistakes over and over in my head, I wan't to go back and do things correctly so I can erase the mistakes.

You do sound depressed at least to an extent in my opinion. I do not wan't to belittle your problems, as they are not little to you, but it is true that at your age you will have plenty more opportunities to meet a girl and have things work well.

If you haven't already, I think you should speak to your doctor about this issue, some therapy could be useful for you, although I am not going to lie to you, unless you are deemed ill enough to go down the community mental health route, if you get NHS therapy, there is a good chance that the therapist will be as about as useful as a boiled potato.

Edited by Steve1983, 10 July 2012 - 12:20 AM.

[Will321]

Thanks for the reply Steve.
I guess I left out the fact I have been on anti-depressants for 2 years and have had CBT. I have gone from 20mg if escitalopram a day to 5mg (however I think 20mg might be needed again). Your first paragraph fits me perfectly and I'm sorry to hear your going through bad depression. I am seeing my therapist on the 11th July so I'll tell him everything. Maybe venting my thoughts might help. But at the moment, my present and future might as well not exist as far as I'm concerned. I could really use that memory eraser thing from Men In Black.

[Annabel]

Poor you, that sounds really difficult.

I do often want to go back in time to a time when OCD wasn't ruining my life as much, particularly when I had more friends and I also run over mistakes. At the moment I'm feeling sad that OCD has made me lose friends and I often think about how that happened!

I guess it's a slightly different situation because yours involves a relationship but I do think that with time and treatment you'll get past this xx

[Will321]

I guess it's a slightly different situation because yours involves a relationship but I do think that with time and treatment you'll get past this xx

Our situations aren't too different. It wasn't a relationship because I ruined it before it got that far...fear gets the better of me. :/ I feel I have lost friends due to anxiety and depression also. My theory is that being tense and anxious in social situations makes others feel uncomfortable, thus pushing them away from you. If only people understood.
Thank you for the reply Annabel. xx

[Steve1983]

5 mg is a tiny amount and going back up to 20 mg isn't a bad idea. Did you find that 20 mg helped with your symptoms of depression? What did you receive CBT for, depression or OCD? Did you find it useful?

Regarding the relationship, I think its very normal to feel upset about past breakups and its natural to blame yourself and think about what you could have done differently. These feelings are made worse with depression and OCD doesn't help either.

Having no sense of any future is indeed a sign of genuine depression I am afraid. I am glad you are going back to see your doctor, and I hope you can find a logical way forward. This current depression will lift and you will begin to look forward to what the future holds and you will fill it with colour and plans again, it won't always be a dark nothingness.

Steve

[Will321]

Yes, I think I will ask if my doctor thinks moving back to 10mg will be a good idea. I do recall having anxiety when I was on 20mg, but I don't recall nasty bouts of depression.
I'm playing the waiting game. The metaphor I like to use is that they dark, grey cloud (which is our mood) will eventually pass over and we'll be happy again at some point, just got to give it time. Feeling very numb and carefree about everything at the moment.
Thanks for the support Steve.

Oh, and to answer your question, I started CBT due to OCD. Depression just came as a result of the difficulties caused by OCD, social anxiety, etc.

[Nik]

Hi Will,

I can really relate to your post as on many occasions I have found myself reminscing about the past. I always tend to do it more when I am going through a tough time and it helps remind me of happier times as you have mentioned. I've also had times where thinking about the past just makes me feel upset! I've come to realise that looking back in the past and focusing too much on the future is not helpful at all. It is best to try and live your life in the present and give all your energy and attention to the moment you are in and when you do, you feel much better for it. The regrets of the past and the anxieties with regards to the future just bring agitation in the present. I know it sounds much easier than done though!

I also go through periods where I lack motivation and don't see a future for myself. I have come to realise that when I am in that sort of phase I am just ruining the present for myself, the least I can do is try and enjoy today as there is nothing I can do about the past or the future. Again, I know this all sounds easier said than done and even I find it difficult but when I do have those brief moments of happiness I think that tends to be my state of mind, it's just keeping my mind in that state all the time!

Finally you're completely right about the alcohol, it is a very slippery slope so well done on recognising that and avoiding it.

[Will321]

when I do have those brief moments of happiness I think that tends to be my state of mind, it's just keeping my mind in that state all the time!

Thanks Nik,.
I know exactly what you mean by that, I have moments when my spirits are lifted and my perception of life is positive, but it's not long until the negative thoughts return, or I find myself re-living the past again and it goes back to negativity. I just wish I could stay in that positive state of mind. It's strange how the past can have such a strong emotional grasp on us that just won't let go.