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my story... (Deep Breath)


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#1 Dont-Let-It-Win

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Posted 17 July 2012 - 08:25 AM

I have been suffering with BDD since my late teens, but until recent years i thought i was just a bit insecure. I was bullied at school about my appearance so maybe this is why im such a mess now!! Im 41 and i cant take this **** anymore!

I spent every waking minute worrying about my appearance, especially my hair and how my clothes look. I take ANY oportunity to look in the mirror.

I decided to tell my long term partner about it last weekend, somehow i have been able to hide it from her for so long but she was starting to get a bit annoyed with my constant need for reassurance.

This week has probably bee the worst week in years, as far as BDD goes. Maybe it because its out in the open now, i dont know. I found a support group which i will attend, but its only once per month.

Today.... Not a good day. I struggled to get out of the house. I spent so long in the bathroom i went without breakfast and missed 2 trains... again! I lie in bed each night dreading the morning pre-work ritual. If i am going out of an evening i have a real nighmare!!
I went to visit a friend last night.. the first thing he said to me when i walked in the door was... "Whats going on with your barnet, mate?"....well... i just wanted to run away (In fact i actually did that half hour later, making some excuses about not feeling well)

Every day i find myself looking at other people and comparing them. Im jealous of everyone and angry with absolutely everything life throws at me. My job is in jeopardy because i cant focus or concentrate on anything, and therefore i dont get any work done.

All i want to do is hide in the corner and cry.

Thanks for listening

#2 carolj

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Posted 17 July 2012 - 05:39 PM

Hi, I must admit I dont know much about BDD, but there are others on here who will know exactly how you are feeling.

What I did wonder though was whether you have tried to find any treatment. CBT I understand is the main treatment for BDD, the same as OCD. You mention a support group, which is great and may be if you go along they can help you find the right treatment too.

The sad thing is Im sure your mate meant absolutely nothing by it, its the sort of thing people say every day to each other, its the BDD which made it something it wasnt.

Do they know anything about your problems at work?

Carol

#3 Dont-Let-It-Win

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Posted 18 July 2012 - 08:35 AM

Hi Carol.

Thanks for your comments.
I spoke with my GP yesterday and she will hopefully refer me for an assessment at Maudsley hospital in London.
The support group is this coming Sunday and im really nervous, im not really ready to openly discuss my BDD yet but im hoping i will get the courage once im there.

The frind who made the comment has absolutely no idea about my BDD and i totally understand it was not meant as a viscious comment.

As for work... they have no idea, but getting out of the house in the morning is fast becoming a real problem.

What is you history/background Carol? if you dont mind me asking

Simon

#4 neverend

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Posted 18 July 2012 - 12:21 PM

Hey EssexBoy. I totally understand were you're at. I got badly bullied in school as a kid due to how feminine i looked as a kid. The little ******* made my life hell through most of my school life. Needless to say when i got older i began to obsess about my looks in a major way. My story is too long and horrid to put down here but believe me it nearly killed me many times. No kidding. I'm 31 now. And i just live with it. What you say about not being able to pass a mirror is me in a nutshell. Reflections are the bane of my life. If i see one i don't like it causes me to want to vomit with fear and anxiety. I'm not nearly as bad as i was but that still happens. Living with someone who doesn't have BDD is equally frustrating for them as it is for you. If someone doesn't have BDD or OCD (i have both) they will never be able to understand what a cross it is to bare for the sufferer. But i have to admit that i drove alot of people nuts and out of my life when i was at my worst. Someone would be trying to talk to me and if their was a reflection of any sort in my vicinity , an atom bomb couldn't distract me from it. The person i would be with would understandably want to shoot me. Some were patent beyond the call of duty god bless em :p. But i know how seriously ******* hard it is to live with BDD. I personally have stopped trying to fight my BDD and OCD as i now know it's not a fight i am ever going to win. No one can stop negative thoughts from entering their mind. Its absolutely impossible. I know that now after 15 years of this. As with any OCD thought you must NOT EVER ingage with the thought and BDD is no different. DO NOT fight it. You must let it be there. It's hard hard work but believe me it works in those moments when you feel you're going to die with panic and anxiety. The pull to ruminate and dwell is incredible i know, but it passes. It really does. But unfortuately it will come back. But your mind will eventually be in the habit of letting the thought/thoughts be there. Think of all your negative thoughts on a conveyor belt going around your body with each thought as a small football on the belts rack. And your standing in the middle with none of them touching you. There just going around you. So whenever you get a negative thought (small football) put it on the rack that goes round you. And let it off. Thats helps me abit anyway. Good luck man. :original:

#5 Dont-Let-It-Win

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Posted 18 July 2012 - 01:35 PM

Hey Neverend,
I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post.
I too cant see a way out, but i feel very proud of myself for taking the first step to getting help, even though im not comfortable talking about it in person yet. I have promised myself i will fight the fight... i owe it to myself.

This site is the first contact i have had with other BDD/OCD sufferers, and its nice to know there are people that understand.

Good luck to you too, fella....



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