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OCD and money worries.


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#1 skyedge

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Posted 28 August 2012 - 05:00 PM

I recently found out that my partner is in considerable and escalating debt because of his OCD. His OCD is chronic and he can't work. Basically, he's borrowed money to fund/facilitate his OCD -- buying cleaning products and clothes in quantaties that would horrify anyone else. The vast majority remain unused as he thinks they're contaminated. In addition, he's constantly buying stuff and returning it -- to the point where he's been banned from one major store. CBT doesn't work for him. The drugs don't work. His Mental health team have effectively given up on him because he is so stubborn and uncooperative. I can't see an end -- other than that he becomes bankrupt and homeless and then either has to move in with me or end up on the streets. The whole situation is out of control and I don't know where to turn or what do do. He's not rationale and I can't reason with him. He seems to be waiting for a magic pill or magic wand that doesn't exist. Meanwhile, I'm at my wits' end whilst he carries on regardless!

Has anyone else been in this sort of mess?
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#2 EzioAuditore

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Posted 28 August 2012 - 08:14 PM

Wow tough situation

I would be back onto the mental health team again and see if you can get some more help

#3 skyedge

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Posted 28 August 2012 - 10:03 PM

I've been onto his mental health team. They don't care. As his therapist told me in words to the effect that: I work with these people but at the end of the day I go home, shut off and get on with my life. Sadly, some of us can't. Oh, yes, and I'm advised that I need to toughen up = I'm too soft for putting up with it!

Edited by skyedge, 28 August 2012 - 10:16 PM.


#4 whitebeam

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Posted 29 August 2012 - 10:17 AM

Hi sky
I got in a real mess with my OCD - not financially as my husband was fortunately in a good job and took over running the home in terms of bills and so on. I lost my job and was really quite poorly for a number of years. At one point I had a room full of washing to be done - everything was contaminated and I couldn't keep up with the washing - I often had nothing to wear or had to dry myself on T-shirts and so on as all the towels - which I kept buying and buying became contaminated.
Also I thought my household rubbish was 'too contaminated' for the dustmen to take so it built up in our backyard and I ended up buying more and more dustbins to accommodate it.

Thoughts really were skewed and rational thoughts were out the window.

However with medication and treatment my OCD really improved and I would say I don't have it any more. I am back at work and generally living a 'normal' life. I wasn't better overnight but I would say that I was only this bad for 2 or 3 years and then I started the slow climb to recovery - I was out of work for 8 years but during that time I did get gradually better until i could take on some voluntary work which led to me getting a job.

It would be really good if your partner would come on here - he will find people who have had similar thoughts and fears and also he would see that some people do make real improvements in their life.

HTH
Take care
whitebeam

#5 skyedge

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Posted 30 August 2012 - 09:39 PM

Thanks, HTH,

It's always great to hear success stories and I'm glad to hear of your recovery. My partner has been in therapy for 8 years and has seen the best that there is but remains entrenched. I don't know what the trigger was for your recovery. I don't know what his will need to be. I love him but it's really difficult to maintain any romantic feelings for my partner. It's like dealing with a stubborn, contrary child most of the time. I don't feel sexual towards him. I feel like a carer. I don't want him to end up on the scrap heap but I'm fed up with the constant responsibility that has been dumped on me. C'est la vie. There is no help really, is there?

Best Wishes

Sky

#6 legend

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Posted 30 August 2012 - 09:47 PM

when you say he has been in therapy in what way has he had help. is it just locally or has he had referrals to the maudlsey or a top anxiety centre ?

ocd is an illness that can be overcome. KNOWLEDGE is THE POWER. gain as much as you can to beat this pathetic bully.

 

Feal the fear and do it anyway.


#7 carolj

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Posted 31 August 2012 - 06:59 AM

I think Legend has a good point. If local help has failed, he may well be able to get a referral to a major treatment centre, although Im not sure whereabouts in the Country you are and of course your partner will need to cooperate!

On the practical side, Ive looked at the few sites for you and MIND suggest getting in touch with your local branch. It would be good for you to talk to someone who understands. Ive also found this guide, which is full of practical suggestions and ideas on where to get help http://images.moneys...healthguide.pdf

Does he actually help he has financial problems?

Carol

#8 skyedge

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Posted 31 August 2012 - 01:18 PM

Hi Carol

Thanks for the link. The last time we spoke to Birmingham MIND they told us they didn't provide support for people with OCD? Am also not sure what your last question means? Suffice to say, he's seen the best and by that I mean a 9 week residential stay in London with the experts in the field on top of 8 years of therapy locally. It didn't change anything other than to give his local Mental Health Trust the excuse to say: "Well, if you've seen the best and didn't respond then we've got nothing to offer you locally." And, consequently, have more or less left him to his own devices. He's missed appointments because he can't leave the flat because his clothes are "contaminated" but other than that he has actively sought medical intervention. They Trust don't address this issue, just rearrange the appointment. But the big issue is always that CBT is the only way forward and he can't/won't engage with it except under supervision and doesn't do the homework. It doesn't help him, he says. He tries but fails. It is too painful. But his inability to engage seems to be regarded by the Medical Fraternity as his fault -- that the victim is to blame for his failure to recover and not the disease -- at least that's the impression I get. So they effectively give up. Meanwhile his debts mount and I'm worried sick.

Sky

#9 carolj

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Posted 31 August 2012 - 08:47 PM

Sky sorry about the last question, it was a bit early in the morning! I meant to say, does he acknowledge he has financial problems and does he try to do something about them? I hope he is on benefits.

Im really surprised by MIND and I will actually check that out, as I dont understand why that should be.

Was he at the Maudsley for the 9 weeks?

#10 skyedge

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Posted 31 August 2012 - 11:22 PM

Hi Carol

Yes, I too was surprised at MIND given that the mission statement on their website says: "MIND believes no one should have to face a mental health problem alone. We’ll listen, give you support and advice, and fight your corner. And we’ll push for a better deal and respect for everyone experiencing a mental health problem." All Birmingham MIND's telephone helpline did was to say they didn't deal with OCD and referred us to two or three OCD organisations' websites/contact numbers -- which were invariably engaged -- and a local monthly OCD meet group which my partner is reluctant to attend.

Re. Benefitts. No, he is not claiming because he is not eligible for reasons I do not wish to discuss on an open forum. Suffice to say, if it wasn't for the generosity of his parents and family friends then I think he would already be on the streets. When I learned of his debts I advised him to tell his parents who are reasonably wealthy though elderly. His response was that if they knew the amount, they would "drop dead." He won't tell me the amount. I think he is in denial about the whole situation. When I told him I couldn't stand living with the debt hanging over our head his only solution was to suggest he commit suicide. Yes, it's that serious. Or is he being a drama queen? Who knows! I think he's a survivor. And in the circumstances, I do find that admirable.

And yes he was at Maudsley.

Thank you for listening and for caring.

Sky

Edited by skyedge, 31 August 2012 - 11:25 PM.


#11 legend

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Posted 01 September 2012 - 06:12 AM

Hi sky,

If you need to talk personal details and perhaps need further advice then why not give ashley a email. Which is ashley@ocduk.org and i am certain
he would help you as best he can with everything

Tkae care. And of course look after yourself as well

ocd is an illness that can be overcome. KNOWLEDGE is THE POWER. gain as much as you can to beat this pathetic bully.

 

Feal the fear and do it anyway.


#12 FobicFairy

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Posted 03 September 2012 - 01:28 PM

There is the option of inpatient treatment at Springfield which take on the most severe of OCD, but the problem is your partner would have to co-operate with the therapists in order to get well again. They don't give up on people easily, but when I was there we had a few patients who wouldn't engage in the therapy so they were sent home again. Usually, people have to agree to be there for the maximum stay of 6 months, which is how long I was there for, it was well worth it though. He should certainly be a candidate for intense therapy, it's worth talking to his CMHT about it.

In the meantime you have to look after yourself first and foremost. Try not to do to anything that enables his behaviour.

Sorry to hear things are so bad. I agree Legend that you should mail Ashley, he is very helpful.

FF x

#13 Guest_FlyingEagle_*

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Posted 03 September 2012 - 04:23 PM

I had some debts which i wiped out with a debt relief order. It's like a smaller version of bankruptcy. If this sounds suitable then the national debt line can help you. Good luck.

#14 Guest_FlyingEagle_*

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Posted 03 September 2012 - 04:33 PM

I had some debts which i wiped out with a debt relief order. It's like a smaller version of bankruptcy. If this sounds suitable then the national debt line can help you. Good luck.


By the way this really sorted me out and gave me a fresh start in life. I have become very good at managing my finances.

#15 skyedge

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Posted 04 September 2012 - 07:55 AM

Thanks to all for your suggestions. You've given me a lot to think about.

Sky

#16 skyedge

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Posted 19 September 2012 - 09:57 PM

Did you check out what I said with Birmingham MIND, Carol? I'm curious to know.

#17 hope*

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Posted 28 September 2012 - 05:43 PM

Hi,
Has he been on a low dose of anti pyschotic along with his other med? That might help fight it. In the end a pill will not make it better but will take the edge off the anxiety. The four steps, ERP and cbt are great. I hope you both find peace soon. yMy ocd is gone now _ I hope he can get there soon too. While waiting for therapist sit use four steps. Take care x
excuse typing broken arm!
Always try to remember your good days, you can always get back to there, with a bit of distraction doing things you enjoy and letting time pass

#18 Guest_diana123_*

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Posted 07 October 2012 - 08:41 PM

I'm not qualified in mental health and recently I have been suffering from a little Ocd myself and I thought about what you said about how he is getting into so much debt he will end up homeless. Why don't you point that out to him that if he's homeless he won't be able to keep himself clean or uncontaminated because he won't have the resources or the money. Point out to him that your there for him now but you can't be there for him 24/7 as you have a life or work to live too and your worried that if this spirals out of control futher he may become suicidal and you don't want that for him. Also some tips which help me and others I know. There is a handgel called carex 3 hours and it kills germs on your hands up to 3 hours after applying it so tell him to buy this and keep it on him at all times and when he comes in to contact with something he feels is dirty to use the handgel and then the germs are gone. Also tell him not to buy clothes from shops if he's worried people have tried them on and go online shopping where it comes straight from the warehouse then problem solved again. Also the clothes he feels are contaminated just put them in the washing machine with dettol this kills germs and before taking them out wipe the outside of the washing machine with a baby wipe and then there perfectly clean. There is also a spray from dettol which is like a air fresher and it kills germs in the air if he'w worried about the germs in the toilet after flushing but you can solve this by just putting down the seat anyway. To cut back on his spending on cleaning products I think the hand gel will help and the dettol as it lasts along time and is around £2.00 for a big bottle. Also if he carries a pack of baby wipes on him when he goes out with you then he can clean a seat before he sits on it or the toilet seat before sitting on that and baby wipes are only 50p and one pack should last 2 to 4 days. Hope this helps him to at least get out more and cut down on his habits and spending.

#19 Guest_diana123_*

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Posted 07 October 2012 - 08:47 PM

I just read that he has thought about suicide you really need to take that seriously even if he says he is joking and tell him there is always a way forward and to look for the positives. Tell him off the things I mentioned before so he can feel like he can survive through this. There are people that can help with debt too maybe if he had a hobby it might take his mind off some things just make sure it's a hobby that appears to be clean to him like swimming there is chemicals in the pool which kills germs so he should feel more comfortable doing that then playing football even painting might be an idea and might relieve some stress for him.



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