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Feeling disgusting :(


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I don't know what to do anymore. The most obvious thing to do is suicide but I don't wanna die but I feel like I deserve to.

This morning when changing my daughters bum I had this overwhelming feeling that I wanted to touch her, I wiped her and rolled her dirty nappy up towards her bits and I had a thought/image of me extending my finger out whilst picking her nappy up and touching her. So when I picked her bappy up I actually did extend my finger but I didn't touch her but it felt I was going to and that's why I did it :( I'm in tears, I can't cope. I love her so much so why would I do that? Last night I was saying to myself I wouldn't so anything to her because I love her and because really why would I? I wouldn't get anything by doing that! So now I I keep thinking that I was actually going to touch her? I don't know if I extended my finger because I actually wanted to see if my finger would touch her or if I was going to actually touch her inappropriately! If I had touched her skin I'm sure it would've been her bum but I just can't do this. I'm so scared incase I was going to but decided not to or something I don't know omg I feel like rubbish idk what to do, I just wanna die omg I can't stop crying

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Guest Lyn77

I used to get these types of thoughts....its how my ocd started in fact. I wass changing my baby girls nappy and bang the thought came and changed my life forever....a few months were awful but I got through....my ocd now takes on various other themes but ive beat this one...it can be done!! Sending u hugs cause I know exactly how you feel xxx

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Guest OCDelighted

I've been there it's pretty hellish eh! The trick is next time you're changing her nappy to think the same thing only without caring.

Until you get your anxiety under control you'll continue to have those thoughts and yet the only way to get your anxiety under control is to have them.

Bizarre I know but tried and tested and extremely effective.

Edited by OCDelighted
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Yeah but it's the feeling I has when I had the thought, it really felt like I wanted to and the fact I acted the thought out but didn't actually touch her makes me feel sick. It's like I was testing myself to see if my finger would actually touch her? I feel like the worst parent in the world. I love her I really do but I don't deserve to be her mum when I could've nearly touched her :( I just keep reliving it in my head.

Wiped her, rolled her nappy up next to her bits, then extended my middle finger further than the rest and picked it up but before that and during it, I had the same actions in my head but in the image I touched her. It's like I didn't think about it, I just did it and now I can't live. I see my therapist tomorrow but I'm scared incase she thinks I was gonna touch her and that I could do it in the future and takes me baby away :(

If I didn't have to change her bum I'm sure I'd be fine because all these thoughts occur when I'm changing her bum / bathing her but bathing her isn't as bad

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Guest OCDelighted

It's a form of checking nothing more, you're testing yourself and you passed with flying colours.

And you will continue to because you have OCD.

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Guest Lyn77

The last paragraph you wrote...if you didnt have to u would be fine....this is avoidance...the best thing I did to get over it was to be sure not to avoid these situations. Do what you would normally do..allow the thoughts to be there and dont respond to them. They are just thoughts and nothing more. X

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Your OCD governs your thoughts and your actions in these situations. These are not a reflection of you, your true moral fibre is the one that is upset and anxious. Of course you don't deserve to die, you're ill and you need to recognise that. Once you do you'll manage stop analysis and gain a better perspective of how your mind works.

Its very hard to resist compulsion but its only hard in the short term, it gets easier as Legend will testify.

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I REALLY can't do this anymore. I honestly feel that I went to touch my daughter (I didn't) but I can't get over the fact that I think I went to.

I am a horrible person, I deserve to die a painful death. I just really can't do this anymore, I'm in such a bad place right now, I feel like I should die because how can I live knowing this? HOW? I CAN'T. Every time I look at my daughter, I just want to hug her and tell her I'm sorry. I don't deserve her, she deserves the whole world, I deserve death.

I'm sorry but I can't go on.

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Guest Lyn77

I know how u feel. Ive been there ive had thoughts like this. 5 years ago.....I got over them. It took time but I did and went on to have another baby (I now have 3) at the time these thoughts crippled me...made me feel like I was messed up...like I didnt deserve to live. I look back now and I wish I could go back in time and give myself a hug and say it will be ok because it will. The reason this bothers you so much is because you love your daughter so much and you do not want to harm her in any way. Look up fred penzel but I love my kids article its very good. Sending u hugs. Yoh will get through this xx

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Yeah but it's not just a thought. I had an overwheming feeling that I wanted to, moved my finger towards her bits whilst picking her nappy up feeling like I wanted to, I know I didn't but I think I went to and I can't live knowing this. I need to die. XX

Edited by findingithard
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Yeah I read it but I don't understand how that relates to my situation. I feel as thought I moved my finger towards my daughters bits because I had the intention of touching her but didn't :( I can't live anymore, I'm in so much pain with this x

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