LondonTown

Thanks BelAnna Angst, I am a member of a professional body and a union, but I have left the job and rather abruptly due to major spike in my OCD. I regret the way in which I left, because I think I have lost any possibility of looking at reasonable adjustments. Having said that, it wasn't under awful circumstances and bridges could be made. However, the wider question is whether I can do the job and the answer (after much mental wrestling) is usually no, and certainly not without major adjustments which I know go way beyond what is reasonable. So, even if I could build bridges and return (and that's a big IF), I don't think I can do the job. I'm at the stage where I think I must start to let go of my career and move on, but it's so difficult and upsetting. I keep crying about it and find myself staring into space. I have looked into various support pathways and the general advice (as I have understood it) is that I should apply for a job, then mention OCD. I have never mentioned OCD to any employer and that's predominantly because the nature of my job and the themes of my OCD really don't go well together, and I would need adjustments way over and above what is reasonable. I do regret leaving my most recent job the way I did and so quickly, but I experienced a huge spike of anxiety and panic and I suspect it would happen again, and again and again if I went back. The nature of the job cannot be changed, it is what it is and I can't cope with it. I used to be able when I started out but over the years it has become a big source or anxiety for me. I feel hopeless about the future because this is all I'm qualified to do, all I want to do, but I can't. I don't know what other jobs to do, where to start and I'll have to start at the 'bottom' because I'm not qualified for anything else. I know skills are transferrable, but still my CV is very specialist and I'm sure I'll be asked questions about why I'm applying for something so different to everything on my CV. The frustration I feel at not feeling able to do the job is eating away at me and I don't know how to let that and the job go. I'm deliberately being vague about my job because I'm paranoid about revealing my identity. But, suffice to say it's a professional role which required a lot of training. I'm able to work and wouldn't be eligible for benefits. I do work, I work full time - it's related to my professional career in a way and I really enjoy it, but it's not financially sustainable. I really appreciate the dialogue. It's been a long time since I was last on the forum and I'm grateful that someone (let alone several people) replied

Hi, Thank you all so much for your replies including helpful information and signposts, I really appreciate it. It seems I was on the right track in terms of how the benefits system would treat my situation and that is what scares me. I absolutely do not want to sound ungrateful as a job is a job and when needs must, and at the same time I am so deeply upset at losing my career to OCD, I don't feel able to do anything else at the moment. I can just about make my current work sustainable, but it can't be a long term thing unfortunately, so perhaps I will revisit this at a later time. Thanks again.

Hi, I feel beside myself with grief at the loss of my career that I have worked hard for over many, many years. But, OCD is getting too in the way for me to continue. I do work, but not really in my chosen career as I have had to give this up. It's not possible to get the support I would need to continue in my career because of the nature of the job (believe me, I've looked into this). So, unless I can get my OCD under much better control, my career has come to an end. I don't know if benefits are open to me and if so, would they expect me to work in any job as long as it's a job? As I said, I do work, but it doesn't bring in enough money so I need something else. Could anyone help me to understand the benefits system a bit more please? I get so confused when I research it. I've got to accept that I can't continue in my career, but does that mean I have to do jobs that are completely different? Would I be entitled to benefits if I can't work in my career, but I could work in other jobs that I might not like / be interested in? But from the government's perspective, it doesn't matter whether I like it or not, if I can work in something then I assume that's what they expect me to do? Thanks in advance for any info.

Lish, thank you. Indeed, I'm so aware That's what is happening. I imagine on my 'death bed' regretting living my life worrying about dying. I think I've been checking far more than I recognised and lost touch a bit with exposure. I find it really hard when I can't make this 'one any better. It is what it is, it's real and terrifying. Sigh. Paul, thanks and Hi, how is it for you being back here?

Hi, It's quite emotional logging back on after 3 years +, reading my last posts in October 2014. I'm 3 years older, I've moved house, I've moved country! Yet, here I am again, back where it all started. Where recovery started that is (not back to how unwell I was) almost 6 years ago when OCD-UK came into my life and the healing began, so, so grateful. I have been quite well, much, much better compared to 2012 - 2014. However, I have noticed that it's still around and I still have to work on it, but it's not as acute and as often as it was. I use CBT and ERP regularly. Anyway, like OCD does, it can shift obsessions and my current one which has been around for 20 years or so, is building. I can sense it and I don't want it to become intolerable, but I'm struggling and I don't even know (here comes the doubt) if it's OCD and I'm aware that's probably a sign it is OCD, BUT (there's always a bloody but!), I don't hear or read much about this one (although I know it's all coming from a similar place regardless how it manifests). I try not to research and google these days. Basically I'm really frightened of death, probably like billions of others on the planet, and this is where / why I can't figure out if OCD is behind this one. My 'other' obsessions were pretty horrific and I was able, through recovery, to see them for what they were (obsessions / OCD). This one - well, I'm thinking everyone is going to die (sorry, bit morbid) and everyone will have some thought / feeling about it, even if it's acceptance. And, so why is my experience any different? Perhaps it's just 'normal'? I'm latching on to it and I spend more and more time thinking about being unwell, particularly my heart and cancer, dying slowly, or without warning, I TRY (so hard) not to Dr google it, but I do at times. I check my body frequently, feeling for lumps etc... and I latch on to what I think are new sensations and feelings in my body that might be illness. It's been manageable, but it does seem to be building and the fear really ramps up when thoughts shoot in about being told I'm dying, about the moment when I die - and I can't believe it's going to happen to me. Like, I just cannot accept that death is going to happen to me, or to anyone. It shocks me everytime I think about it, even though I know it will happen. I'm feeling hopeless, because like most of my OCD (and I think is the nature of OCD), it finds obsessions to latch on to that are really, really hard to rationalise out of. For example; there's no CBT Theapist on the planet who can tell me I won't die (and that would probably be reassurance and a big old lie anyway!), and so in my mind this can never be 'solved' and that's where I get stuck between a rock and a hard place. This one is REALLY REAL and there's nothing I, or anyone can do about it. It's going to happen, it's going to be awful whichever way I look at it and it's completely and utterly uncertain as to how and when. I'm reading this and thinking this might not be OCD. Whatever it is, it's starting to take over and I'm lying in bed at night crying thinking about my death. Is that 'normal', and I just need to suck it up? Does anyone else experience this? Does anyone know of any support / literature / websites that might help? Please, and thanks. It's nice to be back, and it's not - if you know what I mean! Cheers, LondonTown

Apologies re: suggestion for links. Thanks GBG

Hi, I am hoping that someone can provide some useful links to forums for depression please? I am quite frantic now and not able to search very well - I'm not reading the info properly and getting stuck. I thought Depression Alliance was a good one, but I can't find a forum? Any help much appreciated. Thank you.

Hi Numb I don't feel like I have much to say which isn't great I'm sure! But, I wanted to respond because I can resonate with you. I find it so difficult to know what to do when I am 'semi' functioning - enough to get out of bed, travel to work and hold a conversation - however, the whole thing is one big horrible ball of stress and anxiety (it is for me anyway). I can really relate to waking up feeling awful and I don't sleep well for the worry and anxiety, so I'm shattered at work. Do you manage to sleep ok? I'm not entitled to any benefits and certainly not enough to sustain our life. Is this something you can/would be willing to look in to? I hear what you are saying about possibly getting worse if not working. For the 1st time in my working life (21yrs) I took a whole yr off work and I took a steep decline - but that is me and we are all individuals and will respond differently to different circumstances. Something I did start to put in place (which I stopped due to the cost, but I would like to take up again) is private 'supervision' (I'm in the Health sector, I'm not sure what the equivalent is in your field?). It isn't therapy but for me; 'supervisors' are therapists and are there to support, share/listen with regard to work in a professional capacity. I paid privately so that the person was separate to my work. Is there a service/mentor/supervisor that you could engage with in this way? Have you spoken to your employer about your OCD? I did, however as a last resort and I wish I had done it earlier - I did feel a sense of relief once telling my Manager. Again it's an individual choice. What type of therapy are you having? CBT/ERP? Could you reduce your hours? Anyway, you're not alone. I really think work and OCD/anxiety is an area that services need to think more about. I feel utterly stuck so much of the time; not unwell enough to go in to hospital (though I'm often close to it) - I'm able to work, just about - but it has a tremendously negative impact on me and my life. However, without work, I would be homeless. It's so difficult. Do you have a support network around you? People you can talk to about this? Regards, London

Hi I've just logged on to read a flurry of comments from you both - thank you. I felt my anxiety start to spike when I read about 'dismissals' and 'tribunals' - however, I understand it was related to your discussion It is my fear of such events as dismissal, disciplinary, complaints etc... that causes me problems. I am terrified of doing something wrong and getting into trouble. I think about what I have / haven't done at work all of the time. I analyse it, deconstruct and criticize it - nearly always with the end result that I could have done it better. I dread weekends as I spend the whole time worrying and in a state of anxiety until I return to work. I didn't get a chance to speak with my Manager due to different working days and being so busy. I was also cautious about having a 'chat' as I didn't want to do or say anything impulsive, and my impulsiveness is something I need to be watchful of. So, as it stands I continue to go in to work, I imagine people think I cope quite well - when in fact, I don't at all. I'm not sure how much longer I can go on for in this job, it's seriously affecting my personal life. But, I'm stuck. It's what I am qualified to do. I have tried to change careers (not because I dislike my career, but I can't cope with it - they are two different things to me) - but I didn't get anywhere as my CV is so focused on the work I do, I assume. I am also very rural with very little employment. So, ultimately, I feel stuck. Anyway, I really do appreciate your comments - thanks a lot.

Hi, Oh, how I've been in such similar battles with OCD. It's horrible, really horrible. The urge to confess is so utterly powerful. Before I knew what OCD was and that I had it, I used to confess all the time - for years, decades in fact. Then, when I discovered that confessing and reassurance had kept my OCD going, I managed to pretty much stop it within months. If you tell your wife, you may feel TEMPORARY relief and then I am pretty sure that you WILL find something else to obsess about and you'll be right back to where you are now, and so it continues. Do it differently this time. Break the cycle of confessing / compulsions. Take Care

Hi Imalright Thanks - I do really appreciate your comments, they helped Take care too

Hi, I don't feel able to go into detail, but a mistake could be career ending and catastrophic for a number of people (that's the consequence of a major / serious mistake) which I am terrified about. I fear all mistakes, but that intensifies with the severity of the potential consequence. We all face it in my line of work, it's not just me - it's the nature of the job and we are so overworked, under supported that mistakes DO happen. I've worked in this area in varying roles for almost 15 years and I think it's time for a career change because I clearly can't cope with it. No amount of support can take away the responsibility and potential for serious mistakes, unfortunately. It is what it is. Thank you for your contact.

It's so positive and promising to hear your story and others', it really is. I am reluctant because of the nature of my contract. If I was permanent I think I would feel more hopeful. But (I know I'm repeating myself here) - the nature of my role is to step in, get on with it with little support or guidance. I feel very uncomfortable about taking in that letter from the access to work website to my Manager, I really do. I really think she will suggest the job isn't for me and at the end of the day they are desperate for staff. My manager is not my employer, my agency is. I don't know, I'm just feeling really low with it. I've had this for so many years now, I'm so tired of it. The way I feel is that I never want to go back in again. I'm gripped with fear about going back in and the work I have to face, which terrifies me. Thank you though, really

I notice on the letter - the services they offer (are fab), but not what would help me unfortunately. I don't think. In an ideal world, what I think I personally need is someone to help with the aspects of the job that induce panic and fear and make me want (need) to leave. Firstly that's avoidance and secondly there is no way that the org would pay the agency for me and a support person, no way. I am sure my team would think that would be quite unfair and especially as agency workers we are paid quite well. I just need to leave, there is no way around it as I can see. I am terrified of my job, absolutely terrified.

Hi again Imalright I have to say you have given me a glimmer of hope, small as it is - it's a glimmer I didn't have an hour ago, so thank you. I will look into this and go from there. However, and I don't mean to sound defeatist - but the very nature of my work is fear inducing for a lot of people, without the presence of OCD - it is what it is and nothing can change that which adds to my hopelessness and need for a possible career change I guess. Anyway, thanks very much