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About AnxiousCarolyn

  • Birthday 03/12/1983

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  1. Thank you all, saw my CPN today, she is going to arrange a meeting with everyone involved, she also mentioned extra therapy, had good chat with her today, she helped me rationalise better as well, i also faced a really difficult avoidance today and resisting some rituals, delaying seeking reassurance, i know what i need to do, but its pure torture the anxiety.
  2. Thank-you for all your replies, you make a lot of sense. I am on my fifthteenth CBT session with the same therapist i have seen on and off for bulks of therapy over the last 7 years, but my CMHT will not give me anyone else, i pushed for it, i waited 9 months, they then did a therapy assessment and basically said, it was the same therapist or nothing, i cannot afford private, but i really wanted to start with someone new, however i wanted CBT so badly enough so I started seeing my old therapist again, my problem for the last year or so is very much pure obsessive based, intrusive thoughts non stop, thinking and doing rituals in my mind, with the main compulsion- seeking reassurance, my basic daily actions are affected by these thoughts too i.e as in repeating things but much less than the past, the thoughts are more of a problem than the repeating, i get the thoughts most of the time and just panic and think too much about thinking. I asked my therapist should we not be working on these thoughts rather than just making "coffee", (coffee is one of the difficult tasks i struggle with making due to my bad thoughts), he said if i can make the coffee successfully while thinking something bad for a moment or so and extending it a bit longer then i am making progress, however i disagree, as my pure obsessive thoughts have been getting worse, yet the coffee got better for a while, but now has fallen off track back to square one. He also tells me incorrect information i.e goes against what many doctors etc have said, he also thinks very highly of himself, he also says that when an OCD sufferer gives into a compulsion i.e remaking coffee, he sees that as loosing insight into OCD, i disagree strongly, its the anxiety and fear along with the urge that gets so overwhelming that cause me to give in, i know its crazy, irrational, but i want to escape anxiety and fear, i am instantly angry with myself for giving in, so i disagree with his views here. Last Friday, he really upset me, i was a mess and shaking with anxiety, yet he was not bothered, and said if i didn't want to do continue therapy thats fine he was harsh, up to me to come back, he was not bothered etc, he never helped me deal with this anxiety, i went away in a panic. My partner thinks hes useless, the sessions are not getting to the real core problem or improving my life, i am lost with what to do next though, it seems if i give CBT up with him, i get nothing else, so i am worse off. My partner and I have decided we are going to write to my CMHT and ask for a meeting so we can all discuss the problems and make a plan forwards. I have been fighting hard to get myself back on some kind of track, i am facing things that really strike such severe anxiety, and i am challenging my thoughts, and refocusing my mind on doing life normal things, but i see very little light at the end of the tunnel, i just live in mental misery, i won't give up yet, but i take each day as is comes. Its hard, but if i ever get through this, i will have to write a book or something! its been 21 years or so of OCD, i just want to live a life without it. Carolyn x
  3. I rarely come on here anymore, just about everything triggers me off, i am purely obsessive nowadays more than ever before, my main compulsion is seeking reassurance and checking myself for symptoms of insanity, its pure hell, when i get to the end of the day, i think its a big achievement that i have survived, its really sad writing that. My mind is nothing but a feared misery, yet i have made so much progress in many others are of my OCD, i used to have a chronic problem with buying new items, but i have made huge progress with this, i don't repeat my actions anywhere near as much, i don't spend hour getting my partner driving round our estate, I am much more rational than ever before, i can and say to myself "thats so OCD!" but it doesn't stop my main pure mental obsessive hell over loosing my sanity, when i get an obsession, it will drive me down to the ground and for the last 7 months and 2 days, i have feared going psychotic, going crazy, loosing my mind, being taken over, loosing control etc, and its taken another step up again this week, i am at the point of now wishing i was dead. I am on at my partner all day, seeking reassurance, texting, emailing, phoning, chatting, pleading for relief that i am not going psychotic, he is tired and drained from my constant demands on him, i am angry at myself for being so dependent, but i am so scared over psychosis, i have had many opinions, doctors, all saying its OCD not psychosis, telling me i am not psychotic, i have a long list of evidence as to why i am not psychotic, but the message won't sink through my dumb brain, i try and reassure myself, i try and refocus my mind on good normal things, but i am driven down by this awful torturing obsession over just about every detail and symptom of psychosis. I won't go on too much about my background and why this obsession was triggered off, but my latest fear/worry/symptom- whatever you want to call it! is after a huge triggering noise the other day, that i never found out the cause for, i have become hyper sensitive to noise thinking that i am hallucinating, i listen out for noises non stop, standing by waiting all day, waiting for psychotic hallucinations, i hear whispers and muffles and even think they sound like words, i panic and i am literally freaked out, i then search for the noise and its usually the TV, or heating, or computer fan, or someone even breathing!, its basic life noises, but in those moments when i did not know what that noise was, i feel like i am hearing things, i feel like i am finally going psychotic, i am scared for my sanity, i imagine being drugged and locked up, and drugs are a huge fear for me, hence why i am currently down the CBT route and not medication (past awful time on drugs don't even question this option!), i am panicking non stop that i will loose my children when i do go full blown psychotic, just everything is about fearing psychosis, i fear hurting people too, its like the worst thing ever, i cannot even imagine it, i panic with fear just writing this sentence, i am a nervous wreck, i spend my days feeling dread and anxiety, thinking about thinking, fearing hearing my thinking, thinking about but what if over and over again, i get into panic states when i feel sick and my heart races, i am seriously thinking my only way out is to jump off a bridge. I have been fighting my OCD so well in other ways, but i cannot shift this awful psychosis obsession, in fact its just worsening by the week, i really want out from my misery, i used to have much better support from my CMHT and GP but my great GP left and i do not get on with anyone else, i miss her very badly she was like my rock, kept me fighting, my psychiatrist ditched me after seeing him for 7 years, because i would not gain enough weight regarding my eating disorder, although i have made some progress on my own but he still won't see me, despite me writing him letters of distress pleading for his support and help, he just says no, so i really do feel very much alone and i really am at the end of the road, my CBT therapist has made things 100 times worse, and sometimes i question weather he knows what hes on about, i am lost, if anyone can offer me any advice or guidance then please do so. Sorry for the big waffle, i am just very desperate, and really want some hope. Carolyn
  4. I have been in CBT treatment for 9 weeks, its been going v well, i have made huge progress ever since April, very much down to my own motivation, its been a long hard road, but i am proud of my progress, however i am suffering awfully with intrusive thoughts around harm, bad things happening to me and my family, severe illnesses, etc and i then get so anxious i suffer with the depersonlisation feelings, i get detached sensations from my mind and body, this has been pretty much on and off but awful problem for 6 months, i have been told by everyone its all OCD and anxiety, but i fear going mad, crazy, psychotic, and even when i don't fear this, i still feel anxious because i can't stop thinking these horrible things and reacting like i do, its horrible feeling unreal etc, its a nightmare, i feel miserable. Its like i see all this progress with my physical rituals but my mind is still purely suffering, any ideas or hope and ways of dealing with depersonlisation? i make everyones life a misery around me with feeling a wreck all the time, its silly but i just can't stop worrying.
  5. I have having an awful day today, my anxiety is so torturing, it started going downhill last night, i don't know why, i am also so tired due to the very early mornings with my 11 month old, i just feel scared of my own mind, my thoughts scaring me in my mind, i have my list of reasons and tips to calm myself down, i have a good OCD work book, but nothing seems to be helping. Any tips or ideas? I was doing well, accepting the thoughts and moving on, but now they are just going round and round my mind and nothing makes them stop. Struggling.
  6. Well, my week is up, and somehow i have managed to calm down a bit, i have seen my my mental health this week and - my psychiatrist once again gave me a lot knowledge as to why i am not psychotic, the first thing is i would not be asking and writing him letters every week telling him i am psychotic as thats not what people who have psychosis do, as they have no insight, he also got me to explain how my thought process works as to why i come to the idea that i am psychotic and again this proved OCD and not psychosis, i am getting there with this one. However, although a bit better, the awful intrusive thoughts about the things i fear and imaging it as a voice in my head (my own thoughts speaking out) still happens a lot through out the day, i struggle with the intrusive thoughts a lot but sometimes i can cope more than others , i know the answer is to not react to them and accept them, label them as OCD and move on, but i struggle with the not reacting part, i keep thinking but what if i am being taken over or i am a bad crazy person who wants to do these things or what if i am really psychotic? what if's go round and round etc. Does anyone have any advice on obsessional intrusive thoughts? how to cope with them and any success stories, i so need hope, i am very purely obsessional rather the compulsive at the moment. Things are still awful in my life and my family is on the verge of breaking up, but i am trying to calm down for myself and everyone else.
  7. Thank-you for your replies. I do feel a bit more hopeful of pulling through this awful time. I am in close contact with my CMHT i see them up to twice weekly and write and phone them almost daily. I have been trying the 4 steps for ages now, and i do ok for a few days then i fall to pieces again, I do want and have a lot of motivation to fight my OCD, but my anxiety gets so awful, it drags me down, i keep getting depersonalisation symptoms which make me panic more and round and round i go. I am going to try my hardest to accept this is OCD- obsessive intrusive thoughts and distract myself and focus on my children and family. I have met a friend today which helped and meeting another friend on Wednesday, i have bought a OCD book recommended by my CMHT, and i am going to do what i can to help myself until my assessment on the 11th May. My mum is a no go area, she doesn't want to know about my life, when i went into hospital years ago she was not bothered, she didn't care! i could talk to her all day she still isn't interested, she moans about doing the washing and ironing and general silly things, TBH it winds me up further so i don't even bother anymore. The benefits route is a complicated one, but D owes a lot of money to tax credits so they just take the lot from us, can't get DLA due to some complicated issues with ESA and my CMHT team say to leave it too, can't get income support because i am on ESA, can't get carers allowance unless on DLA, and thats about it, we get child benefit but it doesn't go far with 3 kids and loads debt and commitments with monthly payments and a car that we need to get about to the basic places including my son's playgroup thats un walkable, my CMHT appointments, weekly mind group, and my OCD makes it impossible to use public transports beyond a certain point. We are pretty much in a mess. I know my partner should not engage in rituals but reassurance is the only thing that gets me through the day at the moment. I am doing so well with compulsions but the obsessions are awful, and in way i prefer the compulsions. I am still fighting hard and i won't give up yet. We have drawn a plan up between us of some hours this week to let D work. My oldest is at school, my son is at playgroup only two mornings at the moment, but my youngest daughter is only 11 months, she is turning into her own little character and starting to stand and tries to walk with support, the new things she does is so sweet and she is changing so fast and this is keeping me so motivated to fight this awful illness so i can be a better mum to her.
  8. Thank-you for your reply. I am on the verge of thinking the only way out is to jump off a bridge. I wouldn't do it, i don't have the guts- can't even do that right, but i want someone to push me off or something. I want out from my severe OCD living hell. Its pure daily mental sufferig with intrusive obsessional thoughts linking to fears over loosing control and psychosis. I am lost. I don't know what to do with myself anymore.
  9. I wrote a thread a while back about my fears over psychosis- despite over and over again reassurance from my mental health team and doctors and partner and websites and books that i am NOT psychotic, I am still living in fear from hell for now 9 weeks today, it continues daily up and down but generally all day crippling. I now have started getting the intrusive obsessional harming thoughts back as well from years ago, as i am going through constant depersonalisation feelings from my body and mind which is so very scary. I feel like i am listening to my awful thoughts playing in my mind like a record, and i become detached from them which makes me fear psychosis even more and round and round i go. I fear psychosis due to some awful trauma from past medications and psychosis is an out of control illness that I fear. I spend 15 hours a day seeking reassurance from my partner over my pure obsessive thoughts, yesterday i got him engaging in an intense crazy ritual involving sitting under a ladder and babbling on about some random obsessive stuff to prove to me that nothing bad happens, i know its crazy, he has been mostly off work now for a year but he has done no work at all for months and he can barely move away from me for 9 weeks now. The debts, the basic life essentials are in crisis, we are living in poverty and D has people phoning him constantly asking for missed payments on credit cards, phone bills, and so on, we can barely afford the car its running on empty and we push journeys running on air we live in credit. Soon the bay lifts will be at the door if things don't improve fast, D will loose everything, there are no benefits out there to support us due some complicated mess and other factors in our lives we have investigated this route, our lives are shattered by my awful OCD. Yesterday D packed all his stuff up to walk out and run from this awful life , but he didn't for the sake of our 3 children - i would not be able to cope with them on my own, we do have my mums help (we live with her), but she has no idea how bad things are - she works all day and lives in her own world the rest of the time she is glued to the TV, she undermines mental illness and cares more about other peoples lives than her own daughters which is right infront of her nose. D has given me a week to gain some control and calm down and let go of him and allow him to do some work and if i can't then he says he is off and thats the end of our family. I am in constant touch with my mental health team who have no answers to the current problems. I have an CBT assessment with my original therapist on the 11th May with the intention of starting CBT soon. Medication is a no go due to some awful problems i now have as a result from past history. I recently gave something milder a go - Buspirone but suffered awfully and had to give this up. My CMHT are not pursuing medication either due to my past problems and will not actually prescribe it at the mo which is a good thing actually. I want to fight this illness myself. The only answer for me is CBT but i have been waiting now for 9 months and this is why i have got this bad. I have made alot of progress with resisting compulsions but suffering so badly with obsessions. I don't know what to do. Jumping off a bridge feels the only way Please any advice? i have a week to gain some control or my life crashes to pieces.
  10. I don't know i really don't. My mental health team say accept the thoughts and let them happen and the anxiety will get less but i am not noticing it getting less. I finally feel one day i am getting somewhere and the next day i drop like a bomb again and i feel awful. I can't cope with these detachment feels that makes everything worse. I fear being out of control i have huge control issues hence my fight with Anorexia but i am making progress with this. My mental health team keep saying i am doing well but i feel like my mind is awful. I have been using the four steps to deal with this obsession but i can't seem to get anywhere with it. I am so lost.
  11. I wrote an update on my previous thread on this page but i don't think anyone has read it. I am making so much progress with my OCD. For the first time in 22 years i have really started making a real recovery with doing my own CBT while i wait for CBT from my mental health team. My psychiatrist says i have made so much progress and changed so much for the better over the past few months he even joked bout about how i don't him anymore! but i don't think he realises the extent i am suffering with my i think i am psychotic obsession. Its purely crippling me and i have tried to tell him and even wrote 5 pages about it for him!. I actually felt like today that jumping off a bridge is my only way out as medication is a total no go for me due to my past. I would not harm myself or anything but i feel awful and desperate but my psychiatrist is focusing on the good and forgetting the bad stuff and he even said he won't prescribe me any medication even if i wanted it because i am doing so well and was so unmotivated when i was on med's and spent my life in bed- very true and i do hate med's. However i don't know how to cope with my current mental crisis and had to resort to Diazepam today to calm me down. Even if i am not psychotic i am living in a state of anxiety with depersonalisation from my mind and body quite a lot of the time. I feel like i am listening to my thoughts in my mind and i imagine them as a voice in my head even thou i know its all generated by me due to my 7 week fear of psychosis which is awful. My psychiatrist guarantees i am not psychotic but i am still suffering with this fear and the depersonalisation. What is the way forward for me? i am stuck. I am so much better in so many ways but awful on the pure obsessive side.
  12. Just an update. I have seen my psychiatrist today who is so very pleased with my amazing progress to fight my OCD and is sure that my thoughts and fears over psychosis are obsessional and i am not psychotic and he won't prescribe me any medication for my OCD at the moment (not that i want it) and definite not anti psychotics because i am doing so well and I have made so much progress more than ever before and medication in my past gave me an awful time. He wants me to keep fighting but i am so drained with this obsession. Also when i fight my OCD and do something really bad i always get bashed down by a trigger, its so hard.
  13. I am still suffering so much with this worry. I saw my mental health team again last week who are so sure i am not psychotic and i know all the evidence suggests i am not psychotic and people who are psychotic wouldn't even be asking if they are! but i worry so much and obsess and i can't seem to let go. Some days are better than others but this worry/obsession brings me down like a stone to the point i literally panic and can't breath and think i am actually turning psychotic there and then. I fear my own thoughts and I think repetitive scary things and then question "what if its voices" i get the depersonalisation feelings from my mind and body and it scares me. My mental team are so sure thats it all OCD but i fear they are wrong. The obsessive side of me is awful BUT with the compulsions i have made huge progress with. I started my real fight against OCD on the 5th April when something awful happened and it made me realise what is important to me in my life- my children, my family, my health and i decided 22 years was enough of living with OCD and i have been fighting so much ever since and i won't give up. I have huge problems with repetitions leading up to buying things and with accepting new items and I reject things and i cannot buy or be in the shop with someone else when buying on my behalf i have been like this 8 years - HOWEVER last week i have been to the shop to buy some shoes with only one repetition and i have not rejected the shoes! I have accepted wearing some different earrings after wearing the same ones for 3 years! major thought connection to this but so irrational. I have big problems with repeating my basic actions i.e dressing, walking etc but i now delay all my rituals and can now get dressed normally or with very few rituals. Delaying really does work. I have been going to towns/shops/places that are triggering for me to face my anxiety and break my mental contamination fears. I have done so much and made a lot of progress and when i get knocked down i get up fighting stronger than ever before. I am determined to fight my OCD. I have a CBT assessment appointment in a few weeks with the actual therapist who is going to be working with me who will decide the best approach and then apparently there is a short delay before he can start working with me- and in the meantime i will keep fighting hard. I just wish i could let go of this psychosis fear- its so torturing.
  14. Thank-you for all your replies. It really does make so much sense. I can focus on these things for a while then i fall off track. I calm down for a bit but then it all starts again a bit later. I am so anxious again this morning, woke up feeling awful. I don't know what to do with myself, i really am at the end of the road with this one. These intrusive thoughts and obsessions over psychosis are crippling me. I have a fear of psychosis so badly and therefore i can't stop thinking "carolyn your psychotic, your being watched etc" i fear thinking these things, they scare me, i obsess about what if this is actually psychosis. I get more anxious and I panic and then i start feeling unreal which reinforces the whole psychosis fear. This fear has been taking over my life for 6 weeks, i calmed down and mostly got over it for 10 days or so and now i have been suffering constantly for the last 13 crippling days and i can't take anymore. I know its so silly and its me obsessing and i have to let go but i fear psychosis so badly. My partner and family cannot tolerate me anymore, i am literally non stop seeing reassurance and panicky and my partner cannot work, our lives are in pieces over my obsessions especially this one. I am doing so well at resisting compulsions, i have achieved so much and have started using the four steps and it does work, but the obsessions are torturing me- 6 weeks psychosis fear is worse than my 9 months on liver damage fears. I have a history of awful reactions from SSRI'S in the past and DO NOT want to take them. I am very anti-med's now, but i am so desperate to get through this before i loose my family. I want to function better, do so many things in life, i have motivation and goals now, but i am being dragged down by this awful crippling fear and i am the point where i see no light at the end of the tunnel, i want to let go and move but i can't, the intrusive scary thoughts won't stop, i feel my head is full of wool, i feel drained - i just want to jump off a bridge. What do i do?? How do i get out from this? can i actually get out? So anxious and so tired
  15. Thank-you for your replies. I know these are all my thoughts me thinking these things and it's obsessional but the more anxious i get the more i fear psychosis and the more i doubt OCD. My mental health assure me its OCD and i am seeing them next week and still awaiting for CBT. I am determined to fight my OCD, its been 22 years and i have never felt so motivated to fight my OCD, but this nasty obsession seems to be one of my worst ones. I have a long list of reasons for why i am not psychotic and i am more rational that i ever been in my whole life and can see my compulsions are irrational and i have stopped loads BUT the nagging thought of "Carolyn your psychotic" keeps playing over and over in my mind and i respond with severe anxiety and think what if its voice but i know its ME. Its so frustrating and fuelled by anxiety. I have come so far with improving my life over these past few months and fighting my OCD so hard but the nagging intrusive thoughts are awful. Should i be blocking them out and avoiding thinking them? or letting them happen and let myself get anxious? i want to get over this one so much.
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