flashG86

Thank you for your kind response dksea. I'm worried because I've been told whilst I've been on the waiting list that if I do relapse then they could postpone the therapy even though I've been waiting for two years. I guess I'll have to see how it goes at 9am as that's when my appointment is. I've hardly slept and I feel really anxious. The university has been helpful but I know that I need to go back eventually. The longer i stay off the harder it will be to go back but with the OCD as bad as it is I can't face it. I feel incredibly stuck. I know I will get through this blip like I have done every time before but I'm so tired of going through it... Every time it comes it floors me. I've had some therapy before but I find it difficult to put into practice what I've learnt... It's almost impossible. I feel like a total failure... Because I *should* be able to handle it... But I can't.

Hi... I haven't been on here in a few years. I've had three relapses since the last time and this is my third one... I was ok for nearly 2 years but I've recently had a relapse of POCD - horrific thoughts that I'm a paedophile... (I even hate typing that word). Now I've relapsed and I'm in my final year of university and so much other stuff has gone on and I really feel like I'm falling apart. I've had this on and off for 20 years nearly and it's back... At the worst possible time. It's affecting every part of my life, my university work is going down the tubes, it's upsetting my mum and dad which I feel ashamed of. I really don't know what to do. I'm due to start therapy on Tuesday... And im scared he won't see me after the first consultation because I'm in a bad way. Can anyone here help? Please... I'm so scared now.

Hi... I haven't been on here in a few years. I've had three relapses since the last time and this is my third one... I was ok for nearly 2 years but I've recently had a relapse of POCD - horrific thoughts that I'm a paedophile... (I even hate typing that word). Now I've relapsed and I'm in my final year of university and so much other stuff has gone on and I really feel like I'm falling apart. I've had this on and off for 20 years nearly and it's back... At the worst possible time. It's affecting every part of my life, my university work is going down the tubes, it's upsetting my mum and dad which I feel ashamed of. I really don't know what to do. I'm due to start therapy on Tuesday... And im scared he won't see me after the first consultation because I'm in a bad way. Can anyone here help? Please... I'm so scared now.

Thank you for both your replies. It's just horrible right now...even though I've been more or less free from it for 3 years it still brings me down. I self harm because I hate myself that much and can't cope with the thoughts and the physical symptoms that go along with it. I saw a psychologist for 18 months and the treatment ended in January 2014. She helped me understand the thoughts and their origins and also gave me tools to help myself. When I'm in the grip of it I forget what I've been taught; I need more therapy I think... The fact I've had the therapy and I need more therapy makes me feel I'm beyond help. It's having a cataclysmic effect on my life, and it's affecting my family and I hate it. Feel so guilty and depressed all the time. I am on medication, but it doesn't seem to be working. I have an appointment with psychiatrist at end of month, I'm trying to get it brought forward but having no luck yet. I don't even know how long I'll be waiting for therapy, that's if they decide to offer it me. I feel like a failure because I've already had one lot of therapy and now I need it again... I'm scared that I'm only allowed one lot of therapy and that's it. I calmed down a bit last night but I woke up and when I was half asleep, I had a random image of a child (maybe I was half dreaming) and at the same time I got aroused. Now I'm panicking like mad, terrified I got the arousal because I'm bad. I don't know what to do - my mind's destroying itself. I AM A GOOD PERSON!!! I NEED IT TO GO AWAY!!

Hi, I could do with some wise words and help here. I've got diagnoses of Borderline Personality Disorder - comobrid with OCD and Asperger’s. For 17 years I've been experiencing intrusive thoughts which have nearly killed me. The thoughts are about harming people, harming children, and just really horrible stuff which drives me insane each time. They come when I get depressed, when my mood is stable, they don't bother me, but right now I feel at the end of my rope. I also get physical symptoms, including tingling in the grounds area, hypersensitivity, and I constantly check for arousal - I feel EVERYTHING. It's like there's a magnifying glass is constantly there... I hardly get aroused, it's at its worst when I'm at home or in bed but the fear of arousal just makes me feel sick and stuck on a loop - I physically check far too often, that's because the fear becomes so great; I know that checking isn't helping me but I feel stuck. I had three years of remission, but now I've had a relapse and it's again got a grip and I just want it to stop. The sensations, coupled with the thoughts are just a lethal combination. I know the thoughts are not real, they repulse me, depress me, but it's like even when I'm writing this an invisible voice just says "but you like them, you like them" - for me when it has a grip it's there all the time. I have had treatment, therapy and I saw a clinical psychologist but I feel I need more than what I had - I feel beyond help. I've harmed myself, taken overdoses numerous times cos I really hate myself because of the stuff going on on my mind. I'm not a bad person, I try reassuring myself that if I'm not by thinking of the 3 years when I was fine. Right now though I feel totally fed up I know I'm rambling but please, I'd appreciate any help. I'm also really confused with the diagnoses I have, is what I'm going through because of the Borderline Personality Disorder, the OCD, Asperger’s or all of the above?? I feel crippled I feel very much alone.

Thank u for the reply - i don't know what to do though... my life's just gone totally down the drain and nothing can stop it. the arousals are happening all the time, and the thoughts, everything is a mess. i saw my psychiatrist yesterday and he gave me some new medication,to take along with my citalopram and mitrazapine - flupentixol is what i'm on. i hope it helps.. i can't live my life, can't speak to people or concentrate on anything...yes i'm feeling sorry for myself but im constantly horrified about the thoughts and the feelings that i get, especially in the groinal area

Please can someone reply.....?? i'm stuck - feel like it's over for me :-\

I'm glad you found the post reassuring harvnow - It does help to know that we're not alone in this horrible battle we have to face day in day out ... I've been trying to not react to the thoughts and just let them be, but my mood isn't experiencing any improvement whatsoever. i'm still saying to myself out loud "it's just a thought, it can't hurt me" - but whenever I have a tingle/arousal it knocks me back to the start :'-( I can't communicate with people at all and it's driving me insane, i feel i've got nothing to look forward to... I'm supposed to be going home to visit mum and dad tomorrow for mother's day and I am terrified because I'll be feeling low and that will upset my parents... I can't concentrate or focus on anything - I'm a zombie and nothing I do will change it... every day is the same as the day before - nothing will change - I question whether I actually want to get better or am I just happy wallowing in my ****???? Truth is I'M NOT happy - but I'm unable to fight through it. I got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder along with OCD traits last year and I think that the BPD part is causing me to struggle to do the right things (not avoid people contact, get out the house, keep busy). I've had enough - I just want it to end. my mind keeps on flipping back to times when I was happy, like six months ago, I was really happy and WISHING, and PRAYING for me to get back to that place because I hate myself now, I really do. I'm seeing the psychologist again on Monday, but because of how I feel I can't take on board what's being said, I've got a mental block- nothing will sink in; as I've said I'm just a walking zombie. i need to change my medication because what I'm on isn't helping....i know that only I can change it, it's me that's got to do the work but what if i can't? :'-(

Hi.... sorry to sound desperate, but has anyone got any replies to my last entry...? please - feel really alone at the moment...

No you're not alone! I'm the same - currently in an OCD spiral at the moment myself and I've spent far too much time doing mind numbing things just to pass the time/occupy my mind....recently i've been playing too much of monopoly on the PS2, just feels like an effort to get up and get out of the house because i feel scared to go out. so i'll do the easy thing and stay in and vegitate! i never seem to learn though and feel worse as a result - so yeah i do know what you mean.

Hi, and again, apologies for taking ages to reply...thank you for the replies though, I appreciate them... i still feel that i'm stuck in this loop and it's my fault, that I can't do anything to stop the thoughts. powerless isn't the word... The thoughts are constantly barraging my brain and I'm scared to the point that I can't interact with people, anyone, even my partner, my conversational skills have completely gone and everyday I'm just floating through - waiting for "it" to lift, but it's not, no matter what I'm doing. I try to keep busy and get structure to my days but every day is like the one before, I'm just existing, not living, I feel like I've given up.... the physical symptoms, with the groinal repsonses/arousals are really bad, happening when I really don't want them to happen.... I'm getting other symptoms such as tingles in my bum (sorry to be crude), and salivating too - also when I'm walking and a thought pops into my head, I seem to scuff the pavement with my foot....... yes it sounds really, really weird - and I feel really weird. I'm scared I've just been programmed to be bad - but I really don't want to be. I've totally cut off from my friends, simply because I don't know what to say, and I feel that I could easily be catatonic and say nothing at all all day. I'm still seeing my psychologist and she's good but it's only once a fortnight and I just have the inability to put into practice what she's told me - but I have to try... I hate noticing children more when I'm out - and I hate having the thoughts of harming people, not just children and I HATE having the physical responses; I don't know what to do, I don't know what the breaking point will be when I start to feel better about things - my mood has never been so low, and I can't function...... everything's falling apart - it's my fault and I can't stop it. I don't want to harm anyone, I really don't - but how do I truly convince myself? I've been trying to say to myself "it's just a thought", because that's what the psychologist has told me to do... she's told me that my groinal responses are "conditioned responses" which have got engrained over the years I've had the thoughts - but I struggle to accept that they mean nothing, because in my mind with the way I feel... groinal response/arousal plus the thought = i'm evil - but I'M NOT! I don't know how to convince myself and I'm scared this is going to go on forever. - can anyone relate to the other physical symptoms I've mentioned??

Sorry that I have taken so long in replying... I'm not really in a good place at the moment, in fact I feel like I'm getting a whole lot worse. I came out of hospital last week where i was since Christmas Eve, I really thought going in would help but it didn't, it made me worse. I don't know what's wrong with me, all I can think about is the thoughts - and my arousals - i'm terrified they mean something. I can't function properly, talk to friends or do things I used to do with ease. All I can talk about is what's going on in my head - I've got no other words... I'm wallowing in my own **** and I can't stop... nothing I do will take it away.... I get aroused and I DO NOT WANT TO.. i'm on mirtazapine, and that's not really helping... i'm frightened that my life will forever be like this - I'm NOT strong enough to cope, i can't forget the thoughts, I can't forget the arousals ... why why... am I just evil and I'm in denial??? why can't i just keep myself busy and cope with it the Right way... all i feel is Constant Fear...and it won't leave me alone.....sorry for rambling... i've felt like this for 3 months - constantly.. just want to be okay

hiya, thank you for the reply :-) pure-O is definitely cruel, feel like i'm having a huge, horrible trick played on me, one which convinces myself i'm a monster. i see what you mean about the pure-o OCD being more distressing than the contamination OCD - with the contamination OCD it doesn't make you doubt who you are as much as pure-o - although i know both are bad in their own rights,i'd probably have the contamination OCD instead of the tingles/sensations/thoughts that makes up my pure-o. i hope that doesn't sound silly and i don't want to denigrate those who have contamination OCD :-S i get told to keep busy but it's nigh on impossible to "keep busy" with this because i don't want to be around people when i feel this way, when i feel like a monster - i just want to shut myself off from everything and that's what i've been doing. i'm not long started on citalopram, so it's early days with that - hoping..*hoping* it will help somewhat. i'm also having huge trouble sleeping through the night, haven't had a proper full night's sleep in 6 weeks,went to the doctor today and she gave me amnitriptilyne to help me sleep - i hope that if i get a good night's sleep then that will have a positive impact on my mental state, but i'll see how it goes. i've also been referred to the crisis team again, which i had support from last year. what makes it worse is christmas, it's just around the corner and i'm scared im gonna be depressed for it like i was last year...because it was on boxing day 2011 that i got admitted to the psychiatric ward (but that admission was the best thing for me but it will be a long time before i get admitted again unfortunately)... my psychologist who does the CBT is great, but i just wish i could see her more often because right now, one session a fortnight feels like a hell of a long wait when i feel this low. what medication are you on at the moment? and what things do you do aside from medication you find helps your Pure-o symptoms?

Hi, I've been suffering with POCD since I was a 13 yo boy, I'm now 26... I suffer with thoughts that I'm a bad person, and want to do awful things to people, such as hurt children and other people... They always come at their strongest when I have a trigger, something bad happens and like a fog, the OCD descends on me once again. It seems to be getting a whole lot worse as I'm getting older.I've been having the groinal responses too since I was 15, but they are consuming me, much more than the thoughts by themselves. I try to listen to reason that the responses are only happening because I'm thinking about them, but I still doubt myself - it's as if I can't believe the reasons I've been given. It's as if I've slipped off a plateau and I believe that I'm really a monster - it's as if my body's been programmed to get aroused by bad things... MOST of the time, I don't get an arousal, I get "tingles", like when I'm outside and I see a child, I'll get a "tingle" and it'll really freak me out. I always want to check myself to make sure i'm not getting aroused and my checking has been ridiculous of late. I've been getting treatment for years and years and I'm seeing a psychologist at the moment for long term CBT, but I only see her once a fortnight - i have had help before from other therapists but they've been **** more or less... its as if I'm stuck in my rut that I BELIEVE the thoughts are real... I mean, it feels that my body has turned against me. I DON'T WANT this - but I've had it since I was a kid and it's just destroyed my life. HOW CAN i let it go? How can i just forget about the groinal responses/tingles and the thoughts? i had an episode this time last year and I ended up in a psychiatric hospital for three weeks - I felt better and for 10 months I was okay, but I had another trigger and bang I'm back down again... I know I'm rambling but I really don't know what to do. everyone says to "keep busy" - but how do I "keep busy" when my body is telling me that I'm a monster and a paedophlie??? i mean I was in the queue at a shop and a kid was there and I felt the tingles...why?? is it a case that I am a monster and i can't accept it? last night i was reading a book, it's a thriller and it's about murder etc - and all of a sudden I got AROUSED! I wasn't even thinking of the tingles or anything, it JUST happened!!! today i've spent much of the time crying and banging my head on the wall -being calmed down by my partner and friend.. i have the thoughts ... i have the tingles.... the groinal responses.... - I'm frightened - i'm also not sleeping well, waking up at a ridiculous time and not being able to get back to sleep - this has been going on since this episode started a month ago... if anyone can offer any advice to me i really would appreciate it... cos at the moment i feel like I'm evil and I do NOT want to be - but as I type this my thoughts are saying that I do want to be... just want it to stop :-(