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sideways

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  1. Hi everyone Just reaching out for some support as I'm in a pretty bad place. I should start by saying I have contamination OCD and one of my big themes (since having bed bugs a few years ago) is insect infestations. I'm not scared of insects generally, but there's something about the feeling of having your space infested that SUPER triggers me. So with that in mind it was alarming when at the weekend my partner (nom OCD sufferer) and I discovered we have a booklice infestation. Initially we noticed them in the kitchen and found a few quite badly infested boxes in the cupboards. I tried to remain calm and deal with it sensibly. We cleaned the food cupboards out thoroughly, threw out infested products and made sure everything we put back was in a sealed container. It wasn't pleasant I managed ok. But then I started discovering them in more and more places around the kitchen. Over the coming days I have discovered them in more and more places around the home, in different rooms, even crawling on the wall in our bedroom . So it seems like it's a pretty big infestation, that is spreading fast (I found them in a newly bought roll kitchen paper that had been on our table less than a day!). And it's seems likely we still haven't found the proper source. I know they like damp areas and cardboard and paper and we have had some damp issues since we moved in, and still have quite a lot of stuff in boxes around the house so it feels like a massive task to check through everything. I'm at the point now where everything feels contaminated with the bugs and eggs. Though I haven't checked it yet I'm particularly worried that our laundry room where we wash and dry clothes is probably infested, so then all my clothes feel like they are contaminated, and then this spreads to our wardrobe when they are put away. I'm worried all my books will have them in, and we've been doing a lot of decorating recently so there's loads of furniture and stuff in boxes temporarily piled together in our dining room where I have seen evidence of the lice. Moving that all back upstairs makes me worried I'll be spreading them further. I feel paralyzed as I can't rest in the house knowing there are lots of places that could be harbouring them, but checking though it all I know is going to be really traumatic and challenging for me, and I worry about what I will find. I'm also worried about where there could be damp too, what if it's behind the kitchen cupboards where we can't see? It just makes me want to pack a bag and run away and never come back to the house . I've had all sorts of themes over the years but in most cases, even with infestations it's never been as bad as my OCD told me, but this feels different. I tried to shrug it off and accept there might be the odd one left after we did the initial clean, but seeing more and more of them everywhere kind of reinforces that it IS worse than I thought and my OCD brain was right to be worried they were everywhere. I don't really know what to do, whether it's over the top to get an exterminator in? Should I check all the places they might be? Right now just being in the house make me feel horrible, evey surface feels like a danger zone, I'm paranoid they are going to get in my computer or laptop or other personal belongings that I need to use every day. There's no safe space to put anything! I feel drained and tired from constant anxiety and it just seems like I'll never be able to feel relaxed or comfortable at home anymore, which has always been my safe space. It feels so incredibly hopeless . I'm not asking for reassurance but any words of wisdom, or advice on what you think a reasonable 'non OCD' reaction would be much appreciated.
  2. Thanks fore the replies everyone, I think I just needed to unload to some people who understand, so thank you for responding. I did think about calling out pest control (now I'm worrying I should have!) but wasn't sure if that was an over the top reaction after only actually seeing one mouse... I figured blocking all entry holes and removing all accessible food was probably enough but I did put out a humane mouse trap in the kitchen near where I thought was their main point of entry, but haven't caught any or seen any fresh signs. So i figure the non-OCD approach would be not to do anything more unless we see further signs of them... right? It's so hard sometimes to know what is a 'normal' worry and what is an OCD worry! I had CBT therapy for a number of years around 15 years ago, but not much since then other than a bit of self help during bad patches, but today I spoke to a therapist who I am hopefully going to start seeing. I feel so tired of having these relapses, so perhaps the silver lining of this ordeal is it will make me once and for all properly tackle my core OCD beliefs, which I don't think I have ever really done. It's always just been about managing the symptoms, but I think it's time I start the hard work of proper recovery!
  3. Hi Everyone, bit of a saga here, but I am at my wit's end and feeling very hopeless ? I have contamination ocd, which I have been dealing with for about 16 years. Most of the time it has been relatively under control ( though still present), especially for the last 5 or so years. Last month things got a lot worse all of a sudden. I stayed in a hostel for a stag do and when I got home I became covinced I might have picked up bed bugs, which is one of the things I obsess about having had them once in a previous flatshare. I had just about gotten back on track when about 10 days ago i was sitting on my sofa and a mouse ran out from underneath where i was sitting! I had never been that bothered by mice before, and I tried to keep a level head about it and approach it how someone without ocd would. I cleaned up the droppings under the sofa and found a hole where they were getting in which I plugged. But I guess i was feeling weaker than usual because I found I couldn't stop obsessing about it - what if i didn't clean the area well enough? What if there were other places they were getting in? I tried to put it out of my mind, but couldn't stop ruminating, and then a day or two later I found droppings in the kitchen ? . So I spent all the next the day cleaning out all the cupboards and washing everything, trying to find any place they could be getting in and blocking it up. By this time I was really spiralling, loosing any control over the thoughts - I felt like I needed to check everywhere in the flat for signs of droppings and any entry points, so I spent the following day doing that, and found they had also gotten in to our shoe cupboard in the hallway, which now makes me feel like all my shoes are contaminated! Despite spending two full days cleaning and blocking up holes I still feel like the flat is now contaminated, that the mice could have peed or pooped on almost anything in the flat, and And that maybe i have missed places that the mice could still be getting in. My partner who i live with has been trying to convince me that I have done enough, and I have been trying to tell myself that, but then this morning I found something down the side of the sofa - I used a piece of paper to pick it up and carry it to the bathroom to take a closer look, and as I suspected it was indeed more mouse poop ?.. It's horrible because it's almost like when i find a new place the mice have gotten too it vindicates my ocd worrying - I was worried I hadn't cleaned enough, and then l and behold I was proved right. And on top of worrying that the sofa is now contaminated, I am now also worried that i spread the germs around as i was carrying the poop on the paper to the bathroom, and also in the bathroom as i was looking at it over the sink that maybe particles fell off and have made the bathroom contaminated as well. So now as I am walking around I am constantly thinking I am spreading germs around, and that my feet are contaminated. And I worry when my partner uses the bathroom that she is spreading it around too. And i feel so stupid and guilty for ding what I feel was such a reckless thing - why didn't I just bag it up and put it straight in the bin!? I just feel completely overwhelmed, like I'll never feel clean or comfortable here again, I'll never be able to sit on my sofa without feeling dirty, or pick something up without worrying it might have mouse droppings or pee on it (case in point my laptop is about to die and I can't pick up the power cord as it was under the sofa where I found the mouse droppings and I am worried it might have gotten contaminated) And now the mouse obsession has even spread to other areas, I am worried that any food in a shop could have had mice running over it in their storerooms so shopping is really hard. And in my office space I saw what i thought might have been a mouse dropping near my desk, so yesterday when I went there I had to move desks and sanitise everything with detol wipes, and when i made a cup of tea i was super worried that mice might have been in the cupboard where the mugs are kept, so I had to use a tissue to hold the mug, which then I worried may not have been that clean either. And every time I go back there I am worried that maybe a mouse ran over my desk in the night so feel i need to sanitise it every time. It's crazy how quickly things have gotten so out of control and I am really struggling to cope, I don't really know what to do. Every day I wake up so full of dread and anxiety, it's hard to just get out of bed. Everything just feels impossible - like there is no way to feel like I can rid myself of this feeling of being contaminated by mice, and even when i do try and fight back by not cleaning, it's not making me feel better, I just feel like i am spreading the contamination around more and making my life harder in the future when i do decide to clean again. I think it feels worse than some of my other obsessions because it's so uncontrollable... if someone walks in some dog mess to the flat or something like that, it's horrible for me but at least I can contain it, and i know once i have cleaned everything that it is gone. But the mice have minds of their own, so it feels like I can never be sure where they might have contaminated, or when they might return. It feels like they have infested my mind! I don't really know what kind of response I am expecting for this, I guess maybe some reassurance, or anyone with contamination ocd who's been through similar things? or any suggestions of what I should do? I know I should just not listen to the thoughts, resist cleaning and carry on with my life, but it just feels so real that the thought of doing that feels utterly reckless and impossible.
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