Tori8

Im inpatient after overdosing 5 times in a week they say I have bipolar or a personality disorder but i have anxiety and ocd. food here is poisoned so buying my own and eating that and the voice said there is a camera in my room so sorry if you guys are being filmed i spoke to nurse about it and she said there isnt one but its the black dot on wall. im not stupid! on meds but making me feel worse so wanna come off, how is everyone? x

really? urgent intervention. my thinking process isnt right? rational appraisal? a dangerous game.... :/ but i dont care if i die is the problem. I will try see my psychiatrist but she is on leave and doesnt really care.... a and e? x

really do you think im that ill? :/ x

i am at a stage i dont care if i die...part of my bpd impulsvie and reckless sucidal etc. i took 190mg now. so thats 19 10mg tablets, they cant be real or id be on the floor. i took 3 10mg actavis ones before and was gone so these cannot be pure. theyre crescent pharma.... i know i know its stupid,im playing russian roulette and an iditot but i dont care about my body i know that sad and stupid :/ x i know i dont wanna get addicted , i heard max dose 30mg. i dont think i will OD if theyre not real. x maybe i am but im past caring an dkinda wanna die :/ xx

I know i should but i dont understand they must be not pure or fake or genuine as i took 9 10mg ones today so 900mg, surely id be ******. and i just like having them there as back up but clearly theyre not real :/ oh right i take sertraline and quetiapine (prescribed) x

Hi cub, thanks for your kind words. yes i think the assault must have played some part in my breakdown, the hidden emotions etc. Aww thanks so much yes I guess theyw ould be gutted but I feel like Im two people, the person they see and the dark evil one they dont. Why do I want to hurt people? Is it irrational thinking or am I just evil :/ I do just want go give up a lot but have kept going for my loved ones sake now and as me and my gf are on the rocks if i self harm again that will be it as she cant cope with it. I will let you know how Im getting on. I am back at uni and my part time job which I guess is positive. Thanks again hope youre ok x Hi sympos7, I know it made me so angry I have since filed a complaint against the hospital and the way I was treated. I hope i have courage!! Thanks, yes I am looking for one finding it hard to find one a.t.m but if anyone else does maybe they could let me know. Is there a way I could set up a BPD forum on here just for BPD do yoou think? Thanks, I will do and you too. sending hug and i so apprecicate all this honestly xxx

how did it make you become sectioned? did it not agree with you, i know i am foolish and stupid for buyiing it online but i am desperate for some release from my ever going brain, it never shuts up. these ones i bought are crescent and seem genuine but i took 60mg yesterday and felt nothing. if i go to gp they wont put me on benzos as theyre addictive and they dont like young people or BPD sufferers to be on them so its a vicious cirlce. i dont know whether to chuck them or what :/

Racheldolly I urge you to seek some treatment before things escalate further. I completely understand where youre coming from and its a very scary time and hard to tell yourself no its my mind its not real....are you on medication? are you under any MH team? sending best wishes xx

Hi all I bought some diazepam online which I know was a stupid and dangerous thing to do but wondered if anyone else had. They look genuine and they came with user leaflet, but I have taken 3 (theyre the blue 10mg ones with a crescent (half moon) on one side and A then a break line and 278 on the other, marketed by crescent pharma) and havent felt any different...I wondered why this is and what people thought on the subject.

I have just had a huge breakdown. I wasn't in a particularly stable place anyway before Christmas, had a breakdown in the beginning of October and was assaulted. In November I think, I had a psychological assessment for BPD (borderline personality disorder not bipolar disorder) and I met the criteria for having it. I was meant to be giving up alcohol as it doest agree with me and I always self-destruct when I have had it, and knew I wouldn't be drinking over Christmas, and drinking would relieve my anxiety and OCD, so started taking diazepam instead of drinking. My girlfriend found out I had been taking it and was horrified, as it wasn't prescribed to me, and I have had issues with it in the past as my dad used to give me it when I was a child to calm me down and I got semi addicted to it. I went home, as was at my girlfriend's dad's house, they took me home, the next day (day after Boxing day) I carved the words '**** up' into my arm and tried to slit my wrists, I had to go to hospital and have my arm glued. They asked if I wanted to be admitted to a psych hospital, I said yes, as everything was a mess. Ironically the psych unit I went to in the end was in the town of my university, a diferent county to the hospital i went to when I was at home and hurt myself. I was in the unit for 2 and a half weeks, and the psychiatrist there confirmed my diagnosis of BPD (he called it emotionally unstable personality disorder) there are a few names for it. In hospital I managed to get blades and pills in and cut myself, I escaped and overdosed on paracetamol. In the end I was discharged and the psychiatrist who I have since filed a complaint about, told me I was 'wasting a bed space' and 'emotionally manipulating him' to keep me in there for longer etc. He made me feel even more worthless. I was discharged with no follow up support and my current care coordinator is not at all helpful. They upped my medication in hospital, same 150mg dose of sertraline but I was on 50mg quetiapine at night as a mood stabilizer/sleeping pill/anti anxiety, they upped it to 200mg (50mg am, 50mg pm and 100mg at night) but when I took it I was like a zombie, so reduced it down to 25mg am sometimes, not always, and 100mg every night, and sertraline as normal. Also been prescribed promethazine which is an anti histamine and used for insomnia, to take if I am really stressed. I know this is an OCD forum, and I do have OCD and that feeds into my whole problem to be honest, but everything is such a mess. My girlfriend and I are on the brink of splitting up, I have a few months left of uni and then I leave and have to get a full time job, I just dont know if I am too messed up to ever be ok. I was having thoughts of harming others before Xmas which scared me, and still have them, and of hurting myself. I do want a happy normal life but dont know if I am too messed up to ever have that and should just give up.

I am so ****** up and I feel I am hiding it from everyone. I've had thoughts of hurting and killing people, done some weird **** and feel like I've never been right and belong in a psych hospital or prison and feel it's inevitable that will happen one day. I've started drinking alone buying little bottles of wine I can dispose of easily and thinking about alcohol far too much. I don't know what is wrong with me but I know ive never been normal and sometime don't think I ever will be. Am I a psychopath? Am I a horrible person? Sometime I think I am

I think I was born evil I am so ****** up I have never been normal ever and now hearing voices telling me to stab people and everyone hates me please help me

Thanks do you think I will act on these thoughts and is it bad I'm having thoughts of hurting people like you said you were concerned :/

I just had a really **** CPA (Care Plan Assessment) with my new psychiatrist who I don't really like and my old psychiatrist couldn't make it. I was recently sectioned and am feeling pretty desperate and ****. See my recent posts - it's a long story! I am moving from early Intervention Psychosis to adult mental health team and don't like my new community psychiatric nurse but didn't bring this up at the meeting because she was there and I was embarrassed so now I am stuck with a CPN I don't get on with and a psychiatrist who thinks I'm just attention seeking (I could tell she thought that) and only will see my old CPN from EI if I suffer from psychosis again which I am hoping I won't but lately I have been having sucidal thoughts and also thoughts of harming others and really weird thoughts and don't know what to do, in a way I wish I was sectioned for longer rather than the 136 2 weeks ago, which is up to 72 hours and i was released coz I convinced the psychiatrist I was ok and Im really not....

I don’t know why I ran away on Thursday. I act impulsively sometimes and in the past have overdosed 4 times on impulse. I know it confuses people because there is no ‘trigger’ and I just lose my **** sometimes and self-destruct. I think that perhaps it was a mixture of my anxiety becoming unbearable, a low mood, increase in medication which perhaps caused serotonin syndrome as I kept getting manic mood swings where I felt really happy and excited and creative and would write poems and think they were amazing, and then come down. My brain is still pretty mashed but I know that I hadn’t been feeling right for a few weeks and started to feel like I was losing my ****. I had been reading crime books about a serial killer and convinced myself I was evil and would kill people – this wasn’t psychosis I don’t think, but rather severe anxiety not even intrusive thoughts really but crushingly low self-esteem and negative thoughts all mixed together and then hearing what sounded like a mixture of my own thoughts/internal voice and Tom’s voice (when I started hearing ‘voices’ it was my own internal voice then turned to two voices (a male and female) and this March the male voice came back briefly due to a change of medication) but I don’t believe Thursday’s voice was absolutely the male voice but more my own paranoia, fear and anxiety. I felt like I was on auto-pilot and just lost control over my actions and thoughts and barely remember booking the hotel, calling the taxi or the train journey, even writing the Facebook status. I know I was feeling incredibly scared but I’m not sure what of – myself I think. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to die or not – I felt like I was so screwed up which people had noticed more lately in the weird things I had done lately (messaging the woman on FB, housemate stuff etc) and having CBT made me realised how screwed up I was and I became overwhelmed with it and thought I would never be normal and everyone would be better off without my weirdness in their lives. I still am flitting between wanting to get better and have a normal happy life with Amie and thinking I can’t because I am too weird and my brain just can’t deal with life and I should be dead or hospitalised. Since the Thursday I have felt disconnected and I know this is my brain dissociating to protect itself but it feels like I am going mad. My movements feel heavy and I keep feeling paralysed, like I can’t move and when I want to speak my mouth feels full of thick liquid like I can’t get words out. I feel like I am walking and talking like a synth from the TV programme Humans and I feel emotionless sometimes and other times so overwhelmed with emotions I don’t know what to do with myself. I have felt more positive the last couple of days but on Sunday I know that I just felt so suicidal and couldn’t stop thinking of ways to die and living seemed such harder than dying and I felt this need to just not exist. At the moment living feels so tiring, I am constantly tired and I hate myself and I know nothing can change until I stop hating myself but how can I stop when it’s all I’ve ever known? I saw my Care Coordinator from Early Intervention Psychosis last Monday and decided to stay with my grandparents for the week last week. I saw my Care coordinator from adult mental health team (I'm in the process of moving from EI to AMHT) and she was rubbish and didn't even know what had happened or that I was sectioned. I said I felt like I was going mad, suicidal and she said nothing. She said she thinks I have autism and my brain sometimes can't deal with stuff and shuts off and I have meltdowns (what I would say are my anxiety attacks - i either go mute or speak **** really fast and feel so anxious and horrible). I don't know what to do at all x