Ollie46

My absolute worst behaviour at the moment, it can be very sneaky sometimes and I realise I'm doing it without meaning to, in the exact kind of situation you describe. Catch yourself every time dude, it's doable but difficult.

Thanks for the response Malina! I did exactly what you said in regards to sitting it out today, and whilst I failed in a few moments I'm proud of how much I managed to just allow that uncomfortable feeling to be there! At one point I felt extremely relaxed for about an hour or so, which is rare these days, so I can go to sleep feeling good about something ? Also, I feel you on the topic of lockdown. I tried so much stuff to keep my brain occupied. Keeping regular exercise, cooking more, online calls with friends, ANYTHING to try and improve my mood and keep me from losing my mind. It works sometimes but it's not the magic elixir that I'd rather that just stops the bad feelings! I think I just had to accept at some point that it was just going to feel bad sometimes, and rather than fixate on that feeling, just ride with it and see where it takes me

Thanks again for the reply Gemma, I think on some level I know I have to do this, I have just found it extremely difficult recently. The lockdown lifestyle is certainly not for me, I have found my compulsive behaviours go crazy since I'm not at work (currently on furlough), and therefore lack focus or routine. Truth is, this is just one of many obsessions I have and I struggle to keep on top of all of them at the moment it's a nightmare! Bringing it back to basics and being reminded that it's just doing the four steps over and over is a helpful reminder

The truth is, I know I'm not the only person who notices things like this, but I know I'm the only person who let's it bother them to such an insane degree. And I beat myself up a lot about it because: 1) the obsession is so stupid and there are people out there who have actual obsessions that are serious, like fear of harming a loved one 2) I used to be able to deal with stuff like this so well and the OCD steps (relable thoughts, reattribute their meaning, refocus your attention, etc) used to come so naturally to me a few years ago and I was basically OCD free. But I struggle to even take the correct measures for 30 minutes anymore

Thanks for the response Gemma, I know it's a really odd problem, I almost feel embarrassed about telling anyone because it's not like I'm worried about harming someone or anything, which is a serious and understandable obsession. So when I say I obsess, you are correct, I constantly feel the need to rewind and check it, and try and figure it out, like 'do other people notice this too?' It all stemmed from a moment where I was watching a film that I had seen a hundred times, and I noticed that, in the background of one of the scenes, you can see a crew member of the set who wasn't supposed to be on the screen at the time. For some reason, my OCD immediately latched onto it because it was a 'mistake' and, therefore, the entire film is now 'tainted' because, before it was perfect, and now I noticed an imperfection so the whole thing is ruined. I am now reading what I'm writing and seeing that I sound like a total lunatic, by the way, it's so odd that my OCD does this. It's so hard to explain but imagine you're watching a movie and you're completely absorbed and enjoying it. But then it's like somebody is whispering in your ear and pointing things out that you wouldn't normally notice and it takes away from the moment of enjoyment. As if somebody is saying 'if you pay attention here, you can see that there is a mistake.' And that's what I do, I compulsively check to see if there are any little 'mistakes' on screen because, if there are, that means the film is now 'bad' and I can't enjoy it anymore. It's this black and white, all or nothing thinking that is typical of something like OCD

Okay, so I have a 'theme' of OCD that I don't often talk about because it's just so odd that I honestly find it difficult to describe to people. But I find myself in these OCD loops that I can't get out of and I'm struggling to identify the point where to work up from, so any advice would be appreciated. My current obsession, and one I have had for a long time now, is essentially noticing minor details that most people would just never notice. Usually regarding things I love doing to relax, such as playing videogames and watching movies. I notice these details or imperfections that any normal, relaxed person just wouldn't notice, and then I obsess over it and it completely ruins the enjoyment. It can be, honestly, anything. From a particular camera angle in a film, to the way a character model in a game interacts with the environment, there's is no limit to what my OCD will deem an acceptable thing to have a panic attack over. This presents me with a complex issue and I have no idea how to tackle it. The issue being, usually watching a film or playing a game is one of my 'distractions' for when I feel like I'm obsessing over something. But now, OCD has found away to ruin my solution to an already OCD related problem. By completely disengaging with the activity because of the anxiety, I feel like I'm doing an avoidance compulsion. But, if I try to just sit and relax and watch a movie or something, all I do is obsess and ruin it for myself. So it's a damned if you do, damned if you don't scenario. Any advice out there for a situation like this? It just brings more unwanted, unneeded and frankly undeserved stress to my life.

This is something I have been wondering about for a while now and have struggled with quite a bit. For a long time now my libido has been severely decreased, and I feel like it's in direct correlation with my low mood and anxiety. Things is... I'm not sure how to fix it, and it has now become an obsession practically. I'm extremely concerned about it and I think and obsess over it a lot, I'm worried it will just never go back to normal. I have had weeks here and there where I feel like my old self again, but they are short lived in part because I fear reverting back to having low libido, which then makes me anxious and... well, you get the picture. Has anybody else had similar experiences? It's been, like, 2 years. Just worried I'll never get it back.

This week has been a pretty big downward slope unfortunately, starting well and slowly getting worse throughout. Today I am extremely tired and my mood is very low, and whilst my OCD isn't especially loud it's still there in the background making everything that little bit more worse. I am also extremely tired because of work, and I have to work again today, which I normally wouldn't, because of bank holiday. The low mood I experience is pretty horrible and I have developed a recent new obsession about my loss of attraction to women, mainly due to low libido because of the obvious. This is extremely frustrating for me, and puts me in an even lower mood. However, I recently started seeing a therapist, finally, after feeling like I needed one for months. This is a big positive step for me, I am very happy I did it. She has started doing CBT with me and I have so far found it very useful, but she was on annual leave this week so we didn't have a session and I can already feel the effects of it. But we have made a start on fixing some of my terrible self confidence issues and have lightly touched on some of the OCD problems, although not going particularly in depth on it yet. I suppose all good things have to come with time. But yeah, mainly just wanted to get my feelings out there, hope you are all keeping safe and doing well

Its 5am, I just worked 24 exhausting hours over the last 2 days and I can't sleep. I'm so upset. I just feel stressed out all the time. My libido has plummeted completely... I'm 24 years old and single, it's making me not want to enter into any kind of relationship and it feels like I will never get it back. I don't know what to do I've tried everything. I can't just sit there and the the thoughts be, it's too stressful, it keeps me awake. And if it's not my intrusive thoughts, then it's worrying about everything else. God I'm so tired I just want to sleep and switch my brain off

I think my main problem is becoming frustrated. I definitely still engage in compulsions occasionally, not so much avoidance but rather the attempt to reason or break down the thoughts. However, when I attempt to meditate (I do usually use a scripted guide for that) I find that because I'm 'trying' to relax, the intrusive thoughts become much louder in my head and is often accompanied by a hit of anxiety. I suppose I'm supposed to ignore it and focus on the breathing practices but it becomes very frustrating for me, I end up becoming angry rather than relaxed. It feels like the world is conspiring against me at that point! I suppose my real problem is basically calming tell down when I get frustrated, I've never been good at just accepting that it's okay to feel whatever you feel and try to refocus attention on breathing.

This is something that I really have struggled with recently. I keep trying things like Yoga and meditation, even after I've done exercise, in order to try and calm my mind but I find it so difficult. My head is extremely loud and the more I try to relax, the more intrusive the thoughts get, the more anxious I feel and the more frustrated I get with the practice. Does anybody else experience this? And if you have, do you have any advice on overcoming it? It would be much appreciated

Thanks you for the response malinga, it was very helpful. I think it's pretty clear, now that I've read what you have said, that I have a really big problem with 'just letting things slide' when it comes to mental health, which definitely explains a lot about why I have OCD. We all relate to compulsions feeling like the most distressing itch ever that you just HAVE to scratch, and I used to have my coping mechanism down with it... But unfortunately, that coping mechanism allowed a degree of compulsion engaging that, now, I can't allow any more because the extreme low moods make it that much more difficult to bounce back. Keeping to routine is also something I usually do, and have found helps, but has been difficult the past 3 months dude to lockdown. I'm a bartender, and have been furloughed, meaning routine for me as I knew it basically flew out the window. However, I have recently tried to incorporate physical activities such as playing basketball at a local court into my life and have felt better for it overall, so that's a positive I suppose! I will see about looking into online therapy as well, I basically forgot how good it is just to talk to people sometimes and have only been reminded after I spilled my guts out to my friend recently about everything on my mind. Even if somebody just listening is all I can get from online therapy, it may be worth it for me

OCD's wonderful partner in crime has been a constant in my life since I had my bad relapse a couple years ago. It's mainly what made dealing with the relapse so difficult since I was now dealing with an extremely low mood all the time, which made it difficult to celebrate those little victories you have against OCD. I'm sure I'm not the only one here who suffers from depression or extremely low mood alongside OCD, and I was wondering two things... First question is: does anybody have some survival tips about dealing with depression and OCD at the same time? I find it very hard when depression robs me of feeling happy when I beat my OCD back- it feels like it slows the process down massively. Second question is: What does everybody think of online therapy, if any of you have done it? Is it worth maybe getting involved with? I didn't do it the whole of the UK lockdown because I felt like I'd prefer to see somebody in person, but I'm willing to try anything at this point. Therapy would have probably saved me an awful lot of pain through this lockdown and I kind of regret not trying it out.

Hey all, been a while from me. Definitely happy to say this is generally a good thing, though. The fight is still a tough one, but I'm getting there. The Coronavirus lockdown has absolutely had both positive and negative effects on my OCD. I guess, more than anything, I'm just struggling to get over it in general. I have a bunch of thoughts on multiple subjects that bother me and cause me anxiety. And I know all these things aren't real. But it's hard to keep it in check. With all the global pandemic stuff, plus the crazy stuff going on in America right now, it's been difficult to feel okay. My sister also had a total mental breakdown earlier and, whilst I called her and made sure she was okay, the lockdown rules mean we can't see each other and it's just really hard, honestly. The thoughts are so strong and bothersome, but I'm fighting hard. I just am really finding it difficult to let it be. Needed to talk to people who get it. Hope you are all surviving okay!

Thank you for this response Dksea, and apologies for taking so long to get back. I have been working an awful lot over this xmas period, a solid 60 hours a week, which I'm sure has had an impact on my mental health. Given that my job involves working very late nights and is quite a physical activity, I'm quite worn down. Tonight I feel horribly depressed. I have been feeling a bit better recently and, rationally, I know you are absolutely correct. I also know that, realistically, what I experienced was a direct result of having OCD because on the days where I experience very little OCD, I dont have those I intrusive thoughts or feelings at all! But as you say, I get stuck in the loop of guilt and analysing past events. Sometimes making the decision to not punish myself is difficult because the guilt makes me feel like I deserve it. But I spend more time feeling much better now, I just need to not get sucked into guilt as a compulsion and put a lid on all the other compulsions I have in general. Xmas is hard on us suffererd given the stressful time of year, so I'm proud that I'm coping well overall.

My journey through this disorder for the past two years has been an exhausting one. More recently I've been doing well and I go through very up and down patches- for example, I could be great for two weeks and then terrible for two weeks. I'm sure this is an encouraging sign. Mainly for me, I feel like most of my obsessing is done about the past. My main obsession is, and always has been, fear of being sexually attracted to children. And because I went through such an awful period of this, theres still so much guilt attached from it. It got so bad to the point where i was having intrusive thoughts during sexual moments and masturbation practically every time I engaged in those activities. And obviously, i was horrified at the idea i was enjoying them. There were times where I felt like I was actively encouraging those thoughts and it killed me. And still, to this day, i have regular anxiety attacks about 'what if i did enjoy those thoughts at those moments?' It was happening literally every time and it was crushing. All I did was reassurance seek to see if other people experienced it too. Sent me into a depression that has been a nightmare to get out of. It still does happen occasionally, but I'm better at dealing with it and there are weeks, like I say, where I can do things like masturbate and I have no intrusive thoughts at all. Sometimes I can look at those moments in the past and say 'pff, it was just ocd, nothing to worry about!'. And I never explicitly posted about these experiences here at the time because of the horrific fear of what people might say or think. There is so much guilt and fear associated with this and I dont really know what to do. I haven't gone back to therapy since I got this bad, which has been a really silly move probably. I feel like too much has happened and I can never forgive myself or just forget that these things happened. Is this just ocd trying to pull me back in? Because its working and has done every time. I feel quite badly depressed a out it and I just want to pick myself up and move on but I feel like I dont deserve to.

Hey everyone, I'm sure this has probably been talked about here a few times but this is something I've realised takes up an awful lot of my headspace and often puts me on a downer, vulnerable to OCD. It has even been the subject of many obsessive periods. In today's world there is so much that we are told we have to worry about. Besides the things like terrorism, Brexit, the Trump presidency and social media, the one that occupies my mind the most is the environment problem. All I ever seem to hear and see is plastic in the ocean, deforestation, the planets heating up, and how the biggest leaders in the world just seem to not care at all. These are obviously legitimate problems that we all need to consider, I think, but for me I think I probably dwell on it far too much, as people with OCD tend to do. There isn't much balance in my head, it's always doom and gloom... I think it's been a huge contributor to my depression. Soes anybody else find the same thing and ehst do you do to help yourself?

Thank you so much for the response guys Yeah, I will do my best to just accept that I will not be feeling great all the time during this period and try to fill up my free time with things I enjoy. I've never been very good at managing stress, particularly when it's been accumulating from multiple impending events. I used to be a bit better at taking things one step at a time, but sometimes when I'm experiencing bad OCD, it's like my brain becomes all scrambled and I can't think as sensibly as I know I'm capable of. But like I say, I think my main problem right now is all the external things from OCD make me feel bad, and then OCD creeps in whilst I'm feeling vulnerable or upset. So I think tackling the real life stuff will have a positive impact on my OCD. Doing things that keep me busy and doing the little things like this: will actually do wonders for me in the long run!

I've been on a pretty steady upward curve recently after having to deal with my stolen wallet which set me back massively. The main problem I'm dealing with is just the hopeless depressing feeling I get when I fall into the OCD trap. In fact, sometimes I get that feeling not in relation to OCD, and the it will result in me falling into compulsions. This time of year had already got me down. I have quite a bad attachment to it from last year... it was around this time that I went into full relapse. My birthday is in a couple of weeks time- I will be 24 years old. Last year, my birthday was utterly ruined by my OCD, which was very upsetting. And now I feel no excitement, only worry, about it his year. It will also be the first anniversary of my grandmothers death, which had a big impact on me last year. On this very same week, I'm expected to go to a family wedding on extremely short notice, and I am also moving into a new house with my good friend. All of these things have combined, along with the rubbish weather, and put me into a pretty horrible stressed out state. Please send me some encouragement to get me through this nasty time of year. I wish I could view it differently, more positively. But last year, the autumn and winter only felt like pain to me, and it still feels fresh ? and now I have the stress of a wedding (that I frankly don't want to go to), moving house, and a family meeting to remember my grandmother on top of it all.

Had quite the setback these past couple weeks. After I got back from holiday, I felt mentally refreshed and was making some real headway with the disorder. Then, last week on tuesday, my wallet was stolen from me and my bank card was used to make contactless payments, so whoever took it was definitely stealing money. The evidence pointed towards it being somebody that I trusted. The stress and having to harbour feelings of distrust have put me in a pretty horrid place again with my OCD. I have now solved the mystery of what happened, and the person I thought stole it didn't actually steal it, but they did enable it being stolen. The two girls who actually stole it are pretty trash as far as human beings go, and have tried to make demands or negotiate with me even after the threat of police action. The situation is being resolved slowly, but its been a very stressful process and I'm not really somebody who has to burn bridges very often, so it's an awful feeling that this has all happened. This event has highlighted to me how bad I am at just accepting OCD. I get a bit stressed out, and wham, I'm back to compulsions. I know they are compulsions and I know stopping them will help. But I can't stop them, its just too hard. This is stupid. My hope is that i will be able to learn to disregard the ocd feelings in a stressful situation and focus on the real life trigger for the stress instead of just letting myself get sucked back in.

Hi all! Just thought I'd post because I've been feeling a bit rough and in need of sharing with those who understand. I'm on holiday in Greece with my family at the moment, which is absolutely beautiful! And I've been very pleased with myself because for the most part, I've been on top of my OCD apart from the first two days which were quite difficult. But I also had a tough OCD day today: we all know how ocd likes to ruin holidays. I also have slipped back into bad habits of dwelling on past events that make me feel depressed or anxious, despite it getting me nowhere. It's very frustrating and it feels like I've completely forgotten how to let thoughts 'be' and not get sucked in to the compulsion cycle hopefully I can get it together for tomorrow

Another post and happy to report it's another step forward OCD-wise! I'm so much happier at the moment and I'm finding that my head has a lot more space to occupy with other things than just my intrusive thoughts and ruminations. I picked up a new hobby have been hanging out with people way more (enjoying the sunshine whilst it's still here), have been managing to work out a bit more and am managing to not get caught up in compulsions as much. All in all, good news! Especially because I'm moving out of a truly awful phase in terms of OCD. And that comes with issues of its own- I feel like I lost a lot of self confidence and esteem in my difficult period. I feel much less sure of myself in my recovery, which I'm sure is just another OCD thought that I'm obsessing over. When ocd hits it does so quite hard and the feelings of guilt are very heavy. I'm learning to let it go and recognise the guilt as a response is actually a compulsion. And I'm also learning that being 100% sure of something will just never happen with OCD being a factor, it does not allow for positive absolutes only negative ones. This makes life hard, as it does for us all, and I still get moments where I go over events in my head time and time again in order to find some shred of evidence that I'm not a bad person and that what I thought/felt was just ocd. I really hate this, it's by far the hardest part of everything. But the main feeling that has returned is the clarity you receive when something has been ignored enough and OCD's focus is removed and you see it for what it really is- just a mean disorder. It always comes back, but I think I can consistently keep it at bay now, which is big progress for me

I feel like I reached a relatively pivotal moment on my road to recovery recently. Things haven’t exactly gotten a whole lot easier, but I’m definitely more accepting and savvy to this illness and can shut it down much quicker now. The experience has left me drained and I feel perpetually kind of just at a flatline in terms of my emotional state. Not necessarily down, but sometimes I feel down. Not necessarily happy, but sometimes I feel happy. I’m sure this is to do with the aftermath of just putting so much investment and emotion into compulsions. I’m knocking it on the head, once and for all. It’s been difficult so far and I’m sure it will remain so, but I’m doing it. I feel a million times better than I did and it has taken everything for me to get here. The past year has been extremely challenging, the hardest year of my life OCD-wise. Right now I’m experiencing the familiar doubt that one does when recovering. It’s like I’m so used to the OCD now that I don’t know any other mental state. But I’ll keep at it and get better, I won’t let it be the bad of me. I have some bad, scary moments for sure. And my recent depressive state, whilst linked somewhat to the OCD, I think stems from other things in my life, such as work and my living situation. I need a bit of motivation so I thought I’d post here just to say that I’m fighting but I’m tired and feeling a bit sad. Can things be like they once were? I really hope so

Thank you for the response and encouragement guys. Yes, I think I have been experiencing depression, or at least symptoms of depression and have not wanted to admit it to myself. I’m really bad at talking to people about what’s bothering me, I’m not even good at saying WHEN something is bothering me. I have been feeling a bit better today, in fairness, but I’m still low. I definitely still feel like I’ve lost myself a bit. I know the recovery period is up and down, which is definitely what I’m experiencing... I’m just struggling to stay motivated and the depressive feelings make it REALLY hard to counter those compulsions. Like, if I get an OCD thought, I know I’m supposed to ignore it, not react, and carry on like it’s no big deal. Used to be easy. But sometimes the depressing feeling accompanying the thought will just make me feel so awful I can’t ignore it... I just sort of let the thought dictate what an awful person I am and no matter how much I try and prove the thought wrong, it will always remain and always make me feel the lowest of the low... and honestly, some of the stuff that’s happened regarding my sexual obsessions in the past year or so has made it hard to battle. I’ve had dreams, more so now than ever before. It has interrupted my sex life, intruder upon private moments and just broken me down... at the end of it all, I know it’s all ocd. And ocd used to feel like this little thing I had gained control over. But now it just feels like a completely different beast that has claimed my mind, it feels like I’ll never win.

It’s been a while since I posted here, which is probably a good thing, but today I’m feeling pretty bad and just wanted to get my feelings out there. As I’ve said before, the past year I have seen an absolutely dreadful OCD relapse which I did not react well to and allowed to get extremely bad before I managed to gain the resolve to clap back at it. And, for the record, I have been doing actually quite well with it, I’m so much better than I was a couple of months ago. That being said, something I’ve noticed about my OCD is that my reaction to it these days is a lot more difficult than it used to be. What I mean by that is, before, if I dealt with the OCD well, it would light a fire within me that motivated me to really beat it back into submission. One success created a domino effect for more, future successes. But now, for whatever reason, whenever I fail, even after several days of doing really well, the feeling of dread, guilt and just general depression I get is overwhelming. I had 3 bad days about two weeks ago and I’ve not had a bad OCD day since, but the residual feelings of just despair and misery I had at the time have stayed with me. It’s very upsetting and this has been the problem this past few months. Getting over it is just too hard. It creates a downward spiral rather than an uphill push, like it used to. I used to be such an optimist but now I’m the guy who just pathetically resigns himself to ‘what’s the point in even trying?’ It’s just sad. I know my compulsions have been bad and that I still need to be militant on stopping those. But this horrible, exhausting feeling of dread makes everything so hard. Just wanted to get these feelings out in the open, I hope the rest of you are faring better than myself right now ?