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Bulletin Board User
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About Clockwork

  • Birthday 14/02/1995

Previous Fields

  • OCD Status
  • Type of OCD
    Harm OCD

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Location
    Denver, CO
  • Interests
    Video gaming, Graphic Design, Strong interest in music (specifically electronic)
  1. Hi guys Been a while since I've posted, but I'd just like to really thank you guys for helping me when I needed it most. About a month ago was when it all started, that video that triggered all of these horrible thoughts and compulsions. I truly thought I was going insane, but coming here has helped me so much. Not just reassurance, but literally giving me hope. I will be honest, I was on the verge of doing something very stupid because I could not handle what I was experiencing, thought I was all alone in this matter. Coming here and having words spoken to me letting me know that I was not crazy, or insane really just makes dealing with this a lot easier. Needless to say, this does not mean everything is "cured." I guess things like this will never go away, and one just has to learn how to live with it. The main point is though that as far as self treating it, it has been going fairly well. There are a lot of bad days, but compared to how it was when it all started, I say that I've made some improvement. I've even gotten back to most of the activities and hobbies I had to stop from because of the OCD. I have had a few hard bumps in the road though. The thoughts that were originally directed at my partner have now branched out to just about anybody. I still feel uncomfortable when I am around most people ESPECIALLY if there is a considered weapon nearby (knife, sharp object, ect.) Also, even though I have read your guys response to this problem, there is still that one thought that I really despise the most. The one telling me that this is not OCD and I am just a "killer waiting to happen." This thought bothers me so much because it makes it impossible to dismiss any kind of thought or impulse as OCD. Therefore it makes me feel so alone. The thoughts tell me that no matter what advice or what I read anywhere, that I am different. I am really just an insane killer who thinks I have OCD. That deep down, I really enjoy these thoughts but part of me refuses to accept it. I know, these are the same problems I have been talking about since I've came here, but I really just need to vent. Tell someone how I am feeling and what I am dealing with. The reason I have avoided psychiatric help is because the only people that know about my problem is my partner and you guys. I would like to keep it that way as I am 18 and living under a relatives roof, but he would not understand and would most likely think I'm a freak or something (He's old) Anyway, sorry for my knack of always leaving a wall of text whenever I type, I really did not intend for this one to be as long as it is. Again, I really appreciate all the help and advice you guys give me. Much love :original:
  2. It really is unbearable at times, because everything I see is a trigger to these thoughts. Every mildy or gruesomely violent event I witness or overhear instantly opens the door for the thoughts to come it. They make me think things like "What if you did THAT to your partner?", "How would you do it?" "Will you get caught?" It really is horrible, I thought this whole ordeal would eventually fade into memory, but after almost of month of dealing with this, I just don't know what to do. I do think I am making progress by not thinking much of these thoughts, but they just always come back, they do not die off if I do not feed them. I've gotten to the point where I literally squeeze my partner when I hug her unintentionally or crush her hand when I am holding it. I just do not want anything to happen to her. I've told her that I am getting better just so she does not worry anymore, but the progress on the "better" is slow if not halting. I know I have been lingering with you guys on this problem and I really appreciate you bearing with me. You do not know how much you all have helped me already. Much love guys
  3. A small update on my progression After almost a month of dealing with this, I am now starting to handle it better. These last two weeks since I've posted here have been relatively calm for me, so to speak. I have put forth all the advice and strategies given to me into action, and all of you were right. If I did not think bother to care about the thoughts, it makes them a whole lot easier to deal with. Whenever they come into my head, which is still pretty often and constant, I basically just push them aside and classify them more of as an annoyance than a danger. I do not react to them and that causes them to fade away for a small time. But they always come back. Sometimes I can even forget about the thoughts for a small time and think to myself about how stupid they actually are. This isn't to say that everything is going perfect, like I said, they still come back and they seem to still find a way to bother me when I am alone and have nothing to do. That's my weak point for them. Yet there is this one kind of thought that really bothers me the most. It makes me think to myself, what if I am making this all up? What if this is not OCD, and I am just a sick person, a killer in the making. I know, I should already be past this, but when people say "the difference is killers enjoy the awful thoughts", what if I am enjoying these thoughts, but I refuse to believe it? It's a huge contradiction for me, these thoughts really confuse me and make me question my morality as times. I just really need to believe that this is all caused by a disorder and that these intrusive thoughts are not part of who I am.
  4. And I now feel like coming here to talk about things is just another way to seek reassurance. That you guys said would just make it worse. But if I didn't come here, to find out what's wrong with me, I would most likely be much worse than I am right now. It's all a huge contradiction. I just want to know that I am not insane. That I will not become some sort of killer. I want to know that I will not do these thing. I want to forget about this ever happening. It's destroyed so many thing in my life so far, and I do not want it to destroy my relationship. I feel like the only way for me to feel peace is to leave her, but I can't, I love her too much. And since it has been directed towards her, surely it will be directed to someone else once they become close to me. But I don't want to be alone. I don't want anything to change, except that I get rid of this thing that is tearing me apart. It all started when I watched that horrible video. Something about it triggered this to happen to me. At first I felt like I was just disturbed and traumatized by its contents, but then it evolved into something much more. I'm having a mental breakdown. I don't know what to do.
  5. Hi guys It's gotten better and worse so far. The better being that I have learned somewhat to "ignore" these thoughts and urges as they come. i don't resist them, but every time they happen, I just think that they are just thoughts caused by OCD and there should be no need to be afraid of them. But on the opposite note, this makes them come more frequently and becoming more "gruesomely" creative. They are using anything I see or read as a way to turn that into a terrible vision of myself committing a horrible act. I've found that the only way I can stay sane by this is by constantly occupying my mind with something, such as talking to friends or work. But the moment my mind is free from mental activity, here they come to wreck havoc. Yesterday night, I had an anxiety attack right in front of my partner because every time I looked at her I would see myself acting on these thoughts and urges. I scared the life out of her, eventually I calmed down, but only because she was starting to freak out and I had to make sure she was okay, thus occupying my mind away from the thoughts temporarily. Today, I was able to, for the most part, not think about these thoughts too often. I felt normal again for a while. But as soon as I was alone for the rest of the day, it happens again. Now I am freaking out! What if this all is not a result of OCD and I have just convinced myself I do have it as an excuse for having these thoughts in my head? What if I am really just a killer in the early stages that refuses to accept what I am? These are the things that are scaring me now. I DON'T WANT TO BE A KILLER!!! I don't want to hurt anybody, but these thoughts make me think I do. It's like someone evil is controlling me. That someday I will just do something terrible. I am now feeling suicidal because I do not want to hurt anybody. I much rather take my own life than someone else's. I know these thoughts are not real, but they are constantly finding a way to make me feel worse than the previous day. They feel so real, like I am actually "planning" on acting on them. This truly makes me feel like I am just going to become a psychopath unless I stop myself. I don't want to think about these thoughts and urges, but they make me feel like I do. They make me feel like I enjoy thinking about them, but I don't. I'm going insane, and I'm backing into a corner I don't know how to get out of. Everything I see now, every mild thing will now trigger these thoughts. I'm scared, I'm so scared.
  6. Hi Caramoole Thank you so much for replying. I've come to realize from many sites and sources, including this one, that I basically need to "accept" these thoughts? Because they are just thoughts, thoughts that have no real effect on the real world. They do not make up who I am. I understand all of this, but if they hold no relation to my values and morals, why do these horrible images of me doing horrible things to the people I love show up in my mind? I just do not see how I can even let these thoughts pass through my mind, it sickens me. It makes me feel like I am an insane killer or are going to be someday. Just that thought alone scares me to the bone. Even trying my best to ignore these thoughts, I still get "urges" to do horrid and terrible things. I suppose it's the same thing as the thoughts, but I just feel like I am going to snap and commit these horrid acts. The problem is though, I would never do these things. I would never hurt anybody, especially the people I care about. Just thinking about the possibility that I could do these things terrifies me. In the past, I have had thoughts like these current ones, though not as intense, I was able to easily dismiss them. Why are these current ones sticking? I just feel like someday I will do something horrible because of these thoughts and urges, but it's not who I am. I just want to forget about all of it. I don't want to think about violence, death, and gore all the time. I want my life to be normal again.
  7. Throughout my life, I have always considered myself having a mild form of OCD (not officially diagnosed), but I always found myself repeating pointless tasks and always had short anxiety if I did not do so. This all never bothered me that much. Then something horrible changed in me. A week ago though, I watched a video on YouTube titled "Interview With A Cannibal". The video itself terrified me. I am usually not bothered that much with gore and violence, but for some reason this video disturbed me. I could never get the images and how the cannibal went into detail about the murder out of my head. And anytime I would think about it I would get massive anxiety and not sure why. After a while, my fear got worse. The images of the victim in the video were replaced with that of my girlfriend. Like she was the one that horrible act was happening too. This terrified me so much. I love my girlfriend more than anything and just the thought of something like this happening to her petrified me. Over a short time the images kept coming back and never stopped, but the way they were portrayed was horrid. They showed that I was the one doing these terrible things to her. I was the one killing her. Just the thought of this scares me so much. She's the only person I have in my life and I don't know what I would do without her. And the more I try to stop the thoughts from coming, the worse they get. Whenever I am around her, I get a strong urge to just attack/kill her for no reason. It's like something in my head is telling, ordering me too. But I could never do a thing like that, I would never even think of it. But these thoughts, their tearing me apart. Before I watched that video, everything was perfect. Nothing in our relationship would cause me to think like this, I love her more than life itself. And I would never even harm another person, not even if I was forced too. I would much rather cause harm to myself than another person. Especially my girlfriend. Yesterday it finally got to a point where I had to tell her what was happening to me. I didn't want her to get a wrong idea of why I was acting so reclusive and not talking as much as I usually do. At first I didn't want to tell her because I thought she would be terrified of me because these thoughts are directed towards her. After I told her everything, she wasn't. She understood that something was wrong with me and knew that I would never hurt her. She tells me that I should just stop thinking about it and I'll be okay, but that's the problem, it doesn't matter how hard I try to forget about the thoughts. They always come back and get worse every time. It felt relieving to get it off my chest when I told her, but that only made me feel better for a little while. I can block these thoughts relatively easy whenever I am with her or other people. But whenever I am alone (which is quite often), they come at full force. Causing me to not even function properly. Nothing I do can take my mind off of these evil thoughts and images. I've researched these symptoms online and there a lot of people and their situations I can relate too. The only reassurance I can get is from reading their stories and find that I am not alone. This helps only for a little while. I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't afford therapy or see a psychiatrist and I've read that may not always help with these things. Sometimes making them worse. I've tried getting help from other websites, but nobody has helped me, or even re-assured me that I am not crazy. These thoughts make me feel like I am losing my sanity and will just snap one day and turn into a psychopath serial killer. Anytime I see a violent program or news broadcast on T.V., I get the thought that the killer could be me. That I would just suddenly attack and kill my girlfriend in such a brutal and gruesome way that I get sick every time I think about it. Why is this happening to me, I'm scared. I love her so much, why are these thoughts attacking her. I just don't know what to do anymore. I need help
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