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dksea

OCD-UK Member
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About dksea

  • Birthday 11/08/1980

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  • OCD Status
    Sufferer

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    Tokyo, Japan

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  1. In other words, OCD doesn't actually help at all. The reason is that human memory is imperfect. Its not designed to allow perfect recall.
  2. You've said this before. And you come back. You've said it again. And you come back. Why? Because you have OCD and thats what people with OCD do. Oh I know you keep insisting you don't have OCD. And you are free to say that, heck you are free to believe it if you want. But I don't think you do. Because if you did you wouldn't have come back. I'm not sure who you are trying to convince with all your arguing, yourself or us. Maybe both. Well I've got bad news for you, we aren't going to agree with you. We aren't going to tell you your claim of being predestined towards incest is right. Just not gonna happen, for oh so many reasons. I'm sure part of you thinks that would resolve things, if only you can get us to admit, then you can admit it yourself, then it would be "real". Or something along those lines. I hate to break it to you but even if some well meaning but misguided person here DID give you that reassurance, you'd still be back, because it wouldn't change anything. So you aren't going to convince us, and it would be meaningless if you did anyway. So how about yourself? Have you convinced yourself yet? You keep claiming you do, but then you keep coming back. You keep arguing endlessly about how this or that means its NOT OCD (and you are basically wrong every time). I know you think that if you just "accept" it things will be ok, but if that were the case why are you still suffering? Haven't you already accepted this? Multiple times. Over months (if not years)? Yet here you are again and again and again. If you've accepted it you'd move on with your life, you'd be happy. Saying your sorry but repeating the behavior isn't actually being sorry. If you are TRULY sorry you'd try and make amends. So here is my request for you, the thing you can do that would show you are truly sorry. Accept that you are NOT good at judging what OCD is and isn't. Accept that you just don't understand OCD all that well. Thats not a crime, it doesn't make a bad person, we all have things we don't understand, thats normal. But YOU need to realize that you are very very bad at understanding and judging OCD. Its just not one of your strengths. So as a favor to the people here on this forum, I ask you, as a kind of penance for your perceived being "a pain", that you stop trying to insist on what OCD is and isn't. How about it? Can you do that? That doesn't even mean you have to admit or believe that you HAVE OCD, just that you are accepting that you aren't a good judge on that topic.
  3. Because you have a mental illness called OCD No, you are not functioning because you are obsessing about a possible memory of a possible mistake (that probably didn't even happen), there is a difference. The issue is not what did or did not happen 4 years ago, its your fixation on it and unwillingness to accept that you may never know for sure AND DON'T HAVE TO KNOW. You are playing OCD's game and OCD will always win when you play its game. Think about this for a second. You are terrified about the possibility of maybe having done something wrong years ago, so as a result you are willing to neglect your own partner because if you didn't you would what? Treat him poorly? You are already doing that! He and you are ALREADY suffering as if the worst of your fears was true. No "what if" about it. You are behaving completely illogically because you are playing OCD's game. It would be far better for both you AND him to show him affection. To talk to him. To treat him AND YOURSELF like decent people and stop focusing on this one moment from the past you can't even prove happened. You are allowing OCD to call the shots rather than doing so on your own. It has ALL the characteristics of OCD. All of them. Worrying about things you have done or may have done is utterly common among OCD sufferers. Its also a common topic around here. People who worry they may have accidentally hit someone with their car. People who worry about having "contaminated" other people. Heck in one other thread going on right now on this forum a sufferer is obsessed with having slightly pressed on a soft spot on their babies head at some point in the past and is convinced this will cause permanent brain damage to the child (ignoring the advice and reassurance of actual doctors on this one). You think worrying about something you MIGHT have done isn't common with OCD? Its par for the course. Your worries may seem special and unique and different from every other sufferer, but they really aren't. The only thing that really separates what you are dealing with from what other OCD sufferers are dealing with is that YOU are dealing with it. Thats about it. Of course you are going to perceive your own problems differently, you experience them first hand. You can read about someone else problems and maybe even imagine them, but you aren't going to feel them like you do your own. Its a mistake to assume that makes your problems special or different. When you do so you aren't thinking objectively. So break the cycle. CHOOSE to respond to your OCD differently. Seek out help from a qualified professional. Start telling yourself and acting like this isn't a big deal (because its not). You don't have to BELIEVE its not a big deal at first. You can think it probably is and you are being a jerk by pretending its not. DO IT ANYWAY. Part of how I recovered from my own OCD hell periods was forcing myself to do things I didn't want to but knew I should. Didn't feel like getting up in the morning? Forced myself to get out of bed. Didn't want to leave the house? Forced myself to go to the store. Didn't want to go to a social event with friends because of my worry? Forced myself to go anyway. And you know what? Often times, especially at first, I didn't really have a blast, I still felt a lot of anxiety. But I made a step, I did something in spite of the OCD. Not because I was especially talented or skilled, but because I made a choice, because I was stubborn. And it was hard. And it sucked. And I wished I could just go and have fun rather than forcing myself to go and merely tolerate it. But you know what? Over time I DID have fun again. I did stop feeling crippling anxiety at the thought of going to a social event. Yes medication helped, yes therapy helped, but ultimately I still had to make the choice to do things. It wasn't "wait til your better THEN do things" it was "DO things THEN it will help you become better". You can wait for the anxiety to resolve itself or be replaced by something new, but you'll have a lot better chance of happiness and success if you don't wait. If you force yourself to do things despite what OCD says. Not because you'll be happy right away, but because NOT doing things will mean you remain miserable. Break the cycle, its up to you.
  4. Hi Stronger, welcome to the forums. Sorry to hear about your troubles, hopefully you can get some info here that helps you on your journey to recovery. While its common when discussing OCD to here the term "intrusive thoughts" thrown around, that actually encompasses things like images, sensations, feelings, etc. In reality its all tied together. You may notice the 'image' aspect must, but its likely connected to thoughts about that image, feeling unease when you have the image, etc. In the end what really matters is you are having repeated, unwanted mental events of some kind (in your case primarily images) that are causing you distress. It sounds like you have got a good start, trying to remind yourself that a thought is just a thought is good (and true!). It may be that you are still struggling to move forward with the one visual in particular because you are still engaging in compulsions without realizing it, and are still having difficulty accepting that doubt that goes along with OCD recovery. Don't worry, thats pretty common, its hard to break away from all our compulsions, especially the ones we do without realizing it/noticing it. If you aren't working with a therapist or if thats not an option in the near future, you might benefit from getting a book or workbook on OCD, especially one focused on self guided CBT. You can learn various different exercises that are geared towards helping you confront and adjust your OCD behaviors. There are some good choices on the OCD-UK sites shop. One book I found particularly helpful is called Brainlock. In the book the author introduces the Four Step method for treating OCD. For me that was very useful for dealing with mental compulsions like rumination. Anyway, hopefully you find the forums helpful and good luck in your recovery!
  5. I agree with @Caramoole that bruising is something that should be taken seriously. Definitely avoid aspirin and other NSAID's while taking the drug until you resolve the bruising question. That might be worth giving your doctor's office a call rather than waiting if it doesn't resolve itself relatively soon or gets worse. As I mentioned above, the generally expected time frame for full effectiveness of the medication is 4-6 weeks, so a month and a half should be plenty of time. Its possible the dosage you are on is too low to get full benefit, or that the medication is just not very effective for you. That said you mention that your mood has improved which would be an improvement worth keeping in mind. Your rituals, especially if you have been engaged in them for a while aren't going to just go away, you'll have to break yourself of those habits medication or no. The medication might make it easier, but in my own experience, even with medication I still benefited quite a bit from CBT in helping me to avoid compulsive behaviors. FYI, the alternative choices for SSRI's to treat OCD would be one of the following: - fluoxetine - citalopram - escitalopram - fluvoxamine - sertraline All of the medical literature I have seen (which is far from all of it, so there might be other info out there) suggests that as a group SSRI's are more or less equally effective as each other. Unfortunately the results can vary quite a bit from individual to individual so there's some trial and error involved. It may be that of the patients your doctor regularly sees paroxetine has been more effective than others, but of course if they try paroxetine first to begin with that means the odds will be weighed in favor of that drug So the good news is you've got at least 5 other possible drugs, not to mention dosage levels to consider if paroxetine ends up not being the right choice for you and you want to consider using medication as part of your treatment plan. Hopefully you can chat with your doctor sooner rather than later and get these issues and questions resolved. Hang in there!
  6. 4-6 week onset for improvement from SSRI's is the standard according to medical literature. SSRI's are non-addictive. Though they can have withdrawal symptoms, taking medication on a regular basis as prescribed by a doctor is not a compulsion.
  7. Both good points, and I'll add one more. Just because you see other people around you getting on with life doesn't mean they are not also suffering with something. We often overlook the fact that just because you can't see someone else struggling doesn't mean they aren't. After all many OCD sufferers are VERY clever at hiding their own struggles from the people around them. Don't make the mistake of assuming everyone around you is carefree living these easy, perfect, lives. Life can be unfair and hard, and its totally reasonable to get frustrated and wish things were better. We all deserve to vent, we all deserve to have times were we feel down, no one should be expected to be cheerful and positive 100% of the time. BUT its also important to remember that everyone struggles. Maybe they have OCD, or depression. Maybe they have cancer, or diabetes, or celiac disease, or arthritis. Maybe they have a bad job, or heavy debt, or an abusive spouse. Maybe their trouble is temporary, maybe its chronic. Maybe they've been more lucky in life than most, or maybe they've had it way worse than average. Maybe things are going great for them now, but they are about to hit a REAL bad spot. Try try try not to judge yourself and your life by what you think others lives are like, its easy to be wrong. Instead focus on what you can do for your own life, and to do what you can to get help when its available. Yes it sucks you have OCD, thats unfair, thats cruel. But since you can't just wave a wand and make it vanish, you might as well try and live life anyway, because the alternative is not even worth considering. If you fight and move forward you have the possibility of recovery and hope and better days. People with OCD CAN find happiness, they CAN overcome the roadblocks OCD puts in their way, they CAN find success. So can you, really. Beating OCD isn't a matter of talent or skill, its a matter of stubbornness and hard work. Anyone can be stubborn, anyone can work hard. Do the best that you can, thats all you can ask from yourself and all anybody has the right to ask from you. I genuinely believe that if you do that, you can improve. We all can.
  8. This is good to remember for everyone. When we are hungry and/or tired we are often more susceptible to anxiety too. Even when you have anxiety and might not feel like it, eating at least SOMETHING decent can help improve things in my experience.
  9. Really? You have met and studied EVERY person in the history of the planet and are certain none of them have ever gone through something similar to what you have and come out the other side? Seeing as you are big on evidence, why not provide some evidence to prove your claim hmmm?
  10. When someone tells you that CBT is evidenced based that means that studies have been done and evidence has been gathered to show that CBT works NOT that everything you do in CBT is related to gathering evidence. Meanwhile, you CAN gather evidence in doing CBT or any therapy, but there is a difference between having a piece of evidence and that evidence proving what you think it proves. For example, what if you wake up one morning, walk in to your living room and find a bunch of feathers on the ground. Those feathers are evidence. But what do they mean? Does it mean there is a bird loose in your house? That is one explanation. But maybe it just means you have a pillow with a hole in it? There are multiple reasons why you might find a feather. Evidence and proof are related, but not the same thing. Its also important to understand that even with evidence a person might not be able to draw the correct conclusion because of their own biases and limitations. When a person is too close to a situation it is often much harder for them to remain object and evaluate the evidence using reason and logic alone. Emotion gets involved and emotion can skew the results. Lets say I'm a police detective and I think PolarBear is a bad person. If a crime is committed I might look at all the evidence for proof that PolarBear did it. I am not evaluating the evidence fairly or honestly, I am focused only on ways to make PolarBear the guilty person. (Sorry PolarBear). Even with a lot of evidence a person can draw the wrong conclusion. So even if we accept that you have all this evidence and we accept that this evidence is correct, it still doesn't mean your conclusion is the correct one. It might be, but you are in a bad place to make that decision because you are biased. Your interpretation is colored and since you are in the middle of all the suffering, its unlikely you can view the situation objectively and consider ALL the evidence and ALL the possibilities. Thats why we turn to outside professionals, in this case doctors and therapists. We need help, we need people who can look at our situation from the outside to see what we ourselves are missing.
  11. I love The Good Place! I can see how you could relate some of Chidi's behavior to OCD, but I don't think thats the intended goal and I think there is enough difference to separate it. For one thing Chidi genuinely enjoys ethics, at least in the abstract sense. Thinking about and pondering ethics is FUN for him. The trouble is the practical implications, taking the theoretical and implementing it in a finite world. In that sense there is a similarity, Chidi is trying to achieve ethical perfection in a world where perfection is a literal impossibility. However I don't think the goal of the show is to portray or evoke OCD, but to specifically have a character for whom ethics is the key driving factor as ethics is the core issue of the shows universe. He's a convenient exaggeration/personification of the shows core conflict, what does it mean to be a "good person".
  12. No, you shouldn't have canceled anything. Non-OCD sufferers wouldn't. Even OCD sufferers like me who don't have your particular anxiety wouldn't. I order food for delivery all the time. I guarantee you that the people who deliver it are not 100% sterile. Why? Because thats impossible. OCD is getting you to expect the impossible. Don't give in to that, you'll always lose if you do. Challenging your OCD isn't going to change things overnight. One delivery is good, but its not nearly enough. You have to challenge these anxieties over and over and over until they are meaningless. Its like working out, you don't get in shape from going to the gym once. You get in shape going to the gym many times over a long time. OCD recovery is the same, it requires a commitment to work over a long time. Learning AND doing the right behaviors and avoiding and not doing the wrong ones. In time it'll get easier and easier, you'll get better and better at dealing with it. The alternative is to suffer and get worse. Until someone comes up with a miracle cure, the hardworking path is the only one that makes sense and offers you recovery. No point in not taking it!
  13. As PB has pointed out "intrusive thoughts" are not limited to an image or idea in your head, OCD extends beyond that, "intrusive thoughts" is shorthand encompassing things like feelings, physical reactions/arousal, etc. Heck, its one of the more common things people talk about on this forum alone. if I had a dollar for every time someone on here posted about "groinal sensations" or some variation I could retire a very very wealthy man! And you yourself have admitted you DO get intrusive thoughts, you've stated on numerous occasions that you get thoughts about incest when you are around family members. Those are intrusive thoughts! Meanwhile: Ok, well, then again, I have to tell you, based on everything you have ever posted and described on this forum you ABSOLUTELY fit the description of someone with OCD, whether you like it or not 🙂 I absolutely accept that you don't "relate" to that. How you feel is how you feel. But how you feel and what is wrong are not the same thing. People can "feel" like they are this or that, without actually BEING that thing. A person can have cancer, meaning they are VERY sick, but "feel" fine. Or, conversely, a person can "feel" sick and not have any physical illness at all (such as Munchausen syndrome). A person can FEEL scared while being completely safe, or FEEL safe but actually be in serious danger. How you feel and what is real might be connected, but they are not always in sync. If I can get you to accept/admit/understand at least one thing from this entire thread, its that how you feel is not proof. How you feel IS valid, you feel how you feel. If you feel happy, you feel happy. If you feel sad, you feel sad. But that doesn't mean something is necessarily true or not. Whether or not you FEEL like you have OCD doesn't mean you do. Thats all. Maybe you don't have OCD, ok, thats a possibility. Maybe you do, also a possibility. Either way, whether you FEEL like it isn't proof.
  14. Well for one thing, people who are in to this stuff LIKE the feelings they get. Not liking/not wanting these thoughts is the key difference. But aside from that, I want you to focus on the word "also" above. That is very important, also. Even accepting that there are some people in the world who find incestuous thoughts to be a good/enjoyable thing, ALSO means that you recognize, on at least some level that they are not the ONLY people who get these thoughts/feelings/physical sensations. That is something we have been TRYING desperately to get you to recognize forever now. You keep insisting that simply having these sensations/thoughts/feelings is "evidence" that this is who you are. Yet even you admit (correctly, and perhaps without even realizing it, that thats NOT the case. Which is worse, getting a deep cut on your hand or getting your arm sliced off? I'm guessing you will say the later, I would too. But if you get a deep cut on your hand you should still get medical treatment. Life isn't a competition for who is suffering worse, neither is OCD. If you are in pain, you are in pain. If you need help, you need help. You don't have to be the person suffering more than anyone else to deserve or get help. If you have a headache you can take some pain killers, you don't have to be suffering the worst headache imaginable. If you break your arm, you should see a doctor, you don't have to have completely shattered every bone in your arm to be worthy of care. Its great to have sympathy for other people. Its great to understand that they are suffering and to feel bad for them. That doesn't mean you can't also feel bad for yourself, its not a zero sum game. And I can tell you from experience, the worst OCD fear is the one you are feeling right now. I've had OCD fears that outwardly seem quite trivial compared to other fears, but at the time I had them, each was absolutely terrifying and debilitating. If you are suffering, then you are suffering, and you deserve help. Thats it, thats all that matters. What did they say was evidenced based? CBT? A/B Theory? Depression? Evidence based doesn't mean that you were applying or understanding the evidence correctly. A/B theory and listing things out is a tool, and it CAN be helpful in understanding and treating OCD, but that doesn't mean it means exactly what YOU, the sufferer, thinks it means. As an example, lets say I take my temperature with a thermometer and the reading is 38 C. Ok, that temperature is evidence. But does it prove something? Does it prove I'm sick? What if I have no other symptoms? What if the thermometer is inaccurate? What if my normal body temperature is higher than normal to begin with? Evidence matters, yes, and evidence CAN be used to prove things, but circumstances matter in understanding and applying evidence. You are jumping from "I have evidence" to "It proves what I think it proves", but you are skipping important steps like "do I understand the evidence", "are there other explanations for the evidence", "is there any other evidence I should consider". Not to mention the rather important question of, did I use the tool to gather accurate evidence in the first place! If I stick the thermometer up my nose it WILL give a temperature reading, but will it give a meaningful one? You can't just write out an A/B list, you have to understand how to use and interpret it. If you don't even get an accurate measurement in the first place, then you don't even have any real evidence.
  15. This is, frustrating as it may seem, the correct behavior on his part. Listening to your repeated confessions (there's a compulsion for you) isn't going to help you, even though you feel like it is. While part of overcoming OCD is changing your behavior (i.e. cutting out compulsions) part of it is changing your thinking. Actively recognizing that these thoughts are driven by OCD, actively equating them not with real risk but OCD, separating out the fact that you feel bad from the idea that feeling bad means something is true, etc. I highly recommend reading up on the Four Steps method (from the book Brainlock, but you can find summaries online as well). For me it was a good approach to dealing with rumination and helped me adjust my thinking about OCD. I found it helpful because its relatively simple and focused on changing the approach to how we deal with OCD related thoughts. Its a good CBT technique.
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