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About dksea

  • Birthday 11/08/1980

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  1. Here's info on twin studies in general: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twin_study Here's info on twin studies related to OCD with a number of citations to relevant studies. The key finding: "Monozygotic twins may be strikingly concordant for OCD (80-87%), compared with 47-50% concordance in dizygotic twins." https://www.medscape.com/answers/1934139-93612/what-is-the-role-of-genetics-in-the-etiology-of-obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd
  2. Yes, families could pass along patterns of behavior, and therefore you could therefore see commonality in families, however that would not account for twin studies. If OCD did not have a genetic root cause, then there should be no difference in occurrence between identical and non-identical twins. The most significant difference between those two classes of people is genetic, otherwise they are (for the most part) raised in the same conditions as each other, with the same families, in the same environments and subject to the same behaviors. Yet the difference between the two sets when it comes to OCD is significant. Twin studies are the gold standard when it comes to identifying a genetic basis for issues and OCD twin studies though not numerous have consistently shown this. I do agree that learning, experience, and behavior contribute to how and when OCD presents in each of us. When I speak of OCD being a genetic/physiological problem, that is merely the core issue, the root problem. The learning/experience/behavior is layered on top of that. Apologies if I have not made that more clear. I think we both agree more than we disagree, and yes absolutely the experiences we have in life play a part. The flaw, in whatever part or parts of the brain it lies only makes us vulnerable to OCD. Whether or not it flares up, how often, and the thoughts that affect each of us is definitely a product of environment and experience. Its an unfortunately complex and complicated disorder in that sense. Fascinating, perhaps, from a purely academic standpoint, but painful and unfortunate in real life.
  3. I feel like you are zeroing in on specific words but missing the overall message Yes OCD doesn't always "scream" at you. And yes, not every thought you have will be a lie. OCD isn't, for better or worse, constantly "ON". Think of your brain like an elevator, and your different thoughts are different floors. Some of those floors you can visit and leave without a problem, the buttons on the elevator just work. But maybe there is a floor, lets say the 13th (because superstition), that you don't like to go to. But the buttons in the elevator sometimes get stuck, sometimes, even when you don't want to the button for the 13th floor triggers. You didn't want to go there, you don't like going there, but you are in the elevator and thats where it stopped. Now that you are on that floor you try to use the buttons to leave. Sometimes they work, often they don't. Its not 100% of the time. AND when you are on other floors you don't have any problems. Thats OCD, some thoughts get stuck, other thoughts pass through normally. We don't know exactly why only certain thoughts get stuck, why those thoughts vary from person to person, but we know that they do. We also know how to treat it, and those of us on the forum are really desperately trying to get you to do that for your own well being. OCD intrusive "thoughts" manifest in many different ways, it can be a subtle feeling, it can be an overwhelming fear. Maybe you feel intense anxiety, or maybe its more general unease. At its core though it follows the same pattern, an unwanted thought that causes distress, thats what you are experiencing. If you weren't you wouldn't be here, you wouldn't spend so much time feeling bad about all this, you wouldn't want it to stop, you wouldn't want to change anything. If there thoughts weren't intrusive you wouldn't care if you had them. But you do care, they do bother you, and they aren't going away, because its OCD. I'll repeat what I've said before, all the descriptions you give fit OCD perfectly. Every "the thing is..." I've ever read from you doesn't mean what you think it means, they aren't refutations of OCD, they are, in fact, confirmations of OCD. Again, that "something will happen" is called a trigger, and triggers that make us think about our unwanted thoughts are perfectly common with OCD (and human memory in general). It doesn't matter whether the thought "pops" in to your head out of nowhere or happens because you see/hear/feel/etc something related to it. All that matters is that you have the thought, you don't want to have the thought, it makes you feel bad in some way, and it keeps happening over and over and is hard to move past. You fit all the criteria. Your behavior and experience is described perfectly by OCD. It is, like basically all OCD worries, ridiculous. But we can recognize the thought as ridiculous and it can still bother us, thats OCD. Also, if you do a search for fears about predetermined life/predestination/solipsism, etc. you'll find many posts, including recent posts, of other sufferers struggling with those same fears. Many, if not most, OCD sufferers feel like their situation is unique, their situation is somehow different and not what every other sufferer is dealing with, therefore its NOT OCD. And they are all basically wrong. While no one experiences the 100% exact situation as another, since we all live different lives, the patterns are consistent, the problems are consistent, and the worries are seldom, if ever, perfectly unique. Even if they were its still the same underlying problem, and its fixed in the same basic way. I accept that you don't feel like you can relate, you feel how you feel. But that doesn't mean you don't have the same problem. How you feel doesn't change whether or not you have OCD. A person can "feel" perfectly healthy and still have a terrible disease. A person can "feel" terrible and not have any illness at all. Feeling is one way of how we experience the world, but it does not define reality. And the reality is, and I'd be willing to bet large sums of money on this, that you have OCD. If you want to recover you need to start treating your problem as OCD, even if you aren't sure thats what it is, even if you doubt. You need to take a leap of faith, trust those around you who have more experience and make a decision. You can't control that you have this problem, but you can deal with it.
  4. It doesn't matter that every person you have met fits this. First, its doubtful you have actually examined the digit ratio of every single person you have met, so your data is incomplete to begin with. Second those respected universities HAVE studied this issue and the results ARE published in respected scientific literature, and those results say there is NO LINK between finger ratios and male homosexuality. But honestly, arguing about this is pointless, it doesn't matter. If you want to believe it and feed your OCD thats a choice you are going to have to make. I am telling you that its the wrong choice both because its not true AND because it doesn't matter. If you want to recover from OCD you have to start listening to what people are telling you and making the right choices to do that. Or you can keep going round and round in circles performing compulsions, ruminating, and giving in to the doubt. We are all trying to help you here, we all want you to get better, but we can't MAKE you get better, that depends on the choices you make. You have to start choosing to behave and respond differently to your intrusive thoughts and recognize them for what they are. Thats the only way things will change, if YOU decide you want them to. We can help you, but we can't do it for you.
  5. On Tuesday you asked how you can think more clearly. Here is a perfect example of where you can apply steps to do that. First, stop posting these detailed descriptions of your latest worry. Its a compulsion. Second, recognize these worries for what they are, OCD. Third, actively decide to handle them differently than you normally would, as best you are able (at first that'll be hard, but you need to start somewhere and you need to keep doing it). That means, when you start to think things like "I wonder if X has become dirty now" you stop yourself, you remind yourself that such fears are drive by OCD and that you DONT need to answer them. Then you sit with the anxiety as best you can for as long as you can, the anxiety feels bad but it can't hurt you. Fourth, if you REALLY want to make a difference in your OCD, start putting things intentionally on the "contaminated" table and use them. Put everything you own on the table, "contaminate" it all. If the "contamination" you fear was real you'd be dead by now from it anyway.
  6. Because you are not taking a scientific approach to the problem, you are only noticing it when you want to notice it. You haven't randomly sampled a selection of gay men to measure their finger ratio to tell if its ACTUALLY happening. But fortunately for you, other people have, and have scientifically debunked the gay finger ratio for men. Thats how it can be nonsense. You, like most OCD sufferers, are very good at looking at a situation and finding the parts of it that match your own expectations. But you are almost certainly, like most OCD sufferers, ignoring all the ways in which your situations are different. You are also overestimating the degree to which the similarities mean or prove something. Things can appear to be related, even when they aren't. For example, did you know that the annual marriage rate in the US state of Wyoming strongly correlates with the number of domestically produced automobiles sold in the US? Do you really think that these two things are connected? That people getting married in Wyoming somehow effects the number of domestic auto sales? And in your case you don't even have that, there ISNT a correlation between finger ratio and homosexuality in men. Its just not a thing. You can continue to believe it, continue to use it to reinforce your anxiety, but that won't make it true any more than the easter bunny will be real just because millions of children believe in it. Thats how triggers work, if its something you are worried about you are more likely to feel uncomfortable when the topic is brought up. That you feel uncomfortable has zero effect on whether or not something is true.
  7. You have OCD, that's what's wrong. I know the the urge to find a "reason" for all these different things is strong, sometimes it feels overwhelming. I have been there, its how we are wired as people, we want to KNOW why. Unfortunately OCD makes it so we have trouble accepting the reason, even when its told to us, even when we can analyze a situation with logic we don't get that "aha" feeling that lets us move on. You don't feel like you "know" even when you do. I've used this analogy before, so apologies if you have already heard it but I think it helps. When you eat food at some point a signal (triggered by a couple hormones actually) is sent to your brain triggering the sensation of being "full". But in some people that signal malfunctions, sometimes it doesn't get sent when it should get sent. The person can consume an entire meal and still feel hungry. They aren't actually in need of more food, in fact they don't have room in their stomach for more food, but the signal tells them they can. Or an even more simple example, the gas/petrol gauge on your car can be broken, it can falsely tell you your tank is full or empty when thats not the case. OCD is a faulty signal, its your brain not telling you things are "ok" even when they are. So you FEEL wrong, just like you FEEL hungry, but that doesn't mean something is wrong or that you still need to eat. Basically you have to learn to deal with your brain signal when its malfunctioning. This is not an uncommon problem with OCD sufferers, but again, think about what that would mean. That something would only be false if it was always bothering you? That NOT worrying about something means its true? Do you constantly worry every day about maybe being a serial killer? No? Does that therefore mean you ARE a serial killer? Of course not. You don't have that problem with that particular thought (or if you do, pick another thought, like being a cannibal, being a bank robber, being a supervillain, etc.). Part of overcoming OCD is learning to actively choose to reevaluate your thoughts and feelings in light of the fact you have OCD. You have to learn not to take these kind of things at face value. "OK, I know I'm worried about cheating on my boyfriend, but I know thats just my OCD talking. I feel doubt because of the OCD, so I'm going to treat this as OCD.". You will still, at first at least, feel the doubt, you will feel uncomfortable. You have to actively choose to treat that discomfort as a side effect of the OCD, NOT as proof that your fear is true. Its hard, you have to remind yourself often at first. You will catch yourself mentally ruminating on the thought, going through your memories to try and "prove" something. When you do, you have to stop yourself from doing that. You have to stop yourself over and over, especially at first. Overcoming OCD is an exercise in stubbornness really, you have to be more stubborn than the OCD. You have to say "no its not" at least one more time than the OCD says "Oh yes it is!". Losing a job is scary and unpleasant. I've experienced it, and I hope I won't ever again. That said I've also made it through it, people do all the time. Its understandable to have some concern about that, but ultimately you can't control what other people do. Worrying about being asked to resign won't really change things. All you can do is do the job to the best of your ability using a reasonable amount of effort. If thats not enough for someone else, well, thats something you can't control. If you are asked to resign or let go, well that will suck I am sure. But its also not the end of the world. And nothing you do can guarantee with 100% certainty you'll keep the job. Part of living life is accepting that we don't (and can't) control all the outcomes. You will never be able to be 100% sure you won't be let go tomorrow, its just not possible. You can get to 99.999999...% but never 100%. And when it comes to OCD 9% or 90% or 99% or 99.9999999999% all feel the same, not 100. OCD demands 100% certainty, thats not possible. You have to work at accepting the doubt, accepting you can't know, and that you are sometimes going to feel bad about not knowing. Feeling bad is, well not good, but its not the end of the world either. Everyone feel bad sometimes. Its OK to feel bad. You can feel bad. Only OCD demands that we try and never feel bad, that we try and be 100% certain about things. Work at rejecting that way of thinking, that way of living. Its the path to recovery from OCD.
  8. I will readily admit that there is not yet conclusive proof the brain differences exist first, that it remains a possibility (though I believe an unlikely one) that the differences are the result of not the cause of our behavior. However I will go back to your original assertion: Again I must say this is simply not the case. There is ample evidence to support the idea that OCD is physical problem and its not at all true that everything we have suggests its a behavioral problem. Were that the case there would be little to no disagreement over the issue. Yet not only in our own community but in the scientific community at large this debate rages on. That is one of my main arguments yes, that modifying behavior should be far simpler than if there is an underlying physiological difference. Its also interesting that you bring up addiction as increasingly addiction is being treated not simply as a behavioral problem but also one in which a sufferer posses an underlying physiological condition which represents a vulernability. Alcoholism for example is no longer treated simply as a behavioral disorder but as a disease. It, like OCD has been found to run in families, suggesting a genetic component. In fact in both alcoholism and OCD twin studies have been conducted with the results supporting this genetic component. Identical twins demonstrate a far higher rate of concordance (i.e. both twins exhibiting the problem, either alcoholism or OCD) at higher rates than non-identical twins. If there was not a genetic component, an underlying physiological flaw, then we should not see these results, there should be no difference between identical and non-identical twins. It is true that OCD is not 100% genetic, if it were twins would develop it with 100% concordance. But that's part of your next question so lets get to that: The reason OCD (like other conditions) can strike at some points rather than others, go dormant, etc. absolutely fits with the brain fault model. As you mention later in your comment, the human mind is complex, and whatever flaw it is that I (and others) believe causes OCD is obviously not sufficient on its own to guarantee the condition develops. Its not, say the same as type-1 diabetes, where if you have it you have it, it doesn't come and go. I find a lot of similarities between OCD and asthma (which I also have). Asthma is a condition that can trigger both in known situations and unexpected ones. It can flare up unexpectedly and develop later in life. Yet no one would suggest asthma is a learned behavior. Even though doctors are still not sure exactly WHY certain people experience asthma and others don't, everyone agrees that it means there is something (or some combination of things) wrong with the body. The OCD vulnerability is similarly just that, a vulnerability, rather than a complete breakdown. Its not that the brain is broken 100% of the time, its that the brain CAN break down and malfunction at least some of the time in a way that manifests as OCD. Just like environmental and biological factors can influence whether or not I'll have an asthma reaction, environmental and biological factors can influence my susceptibility to OCD. Our minds are constantly shifting after all, neurochemical levels going up and down, hormones affecting us at different times of the day (or month) in different ways, stress adding to it, possibly illness, diet too. All of them play a part, but everyone experiences those, yet everyone does not develop OCD? Why? Because not everyone has the vulnerability, and for those who do, its like Russian roulette of whether your OCD is going to trigger or not. Maybe you'll get lucky, maybe the specific set of circumstances never quite lineup for you to experience OCD. And for those of us who do have it, it waxes and wanes depending on these various conditions, we become more susceptible at times and less so at others. So yes, all those things can contribute to our OCD vulnerability, but they aren't the underlying cause. Absent that OCD flaw a person experiencing the exact same situations as we do doesn't develop OCD. In fact the PTSD example you give is a great comparison, two soldiers, for example, can be in the EXACT same incident, one can come out of it only slightly shaken up, another can develop full blown PTSD. Same situation, perhaps same exact training to get there, but very very different results. To be clear, that is not to say that a person is guaranteed to get OCD, PTSD, alcoholism, etc. if they posses these vulnerabilities, nor does it mean that behavior plays no part, I think it does. For example engaging in compulsions worsens ones symptoms and suffering from OCD. But I wholeheartedly believe that absent the underlying flaw, most if not all OCD sufferers would not develop the disorder, even had they been exposed to the exact same circumstances. I have never come across any scientific literature which lists OCD as curable. All the literature I have come across cites OCD as a chronic condition. A condition that can be managed, and by some people managed well, but a condition that we remain vulernable to throughout our lives. If it were purely behavioral than we could cure it. We could learn a new behavior to replace the old, and having done so we should be no more likely to develop symptoms than another person. But once you've had OCD the odds are you'll experience it again. You might learn how to respond to it better and not let it get out of control, but those intrusive thoughts still happen, they still affect us differently than non-sufferers. Such an outcome again matches well with the idea of an underlying physiological flaw. You may adapt to it, you may learn to work around it, but its still there, you are still vulnerable. Again I go back to my asthma (or my lactose intolerance). I have learned how to modify how I live to compensate for the issues both situations cause. I manage both conditions, but I am not cured of either, even if they seldom bother me, or when they do don't bother me much. OCD has affected me in a very similar fashion, I've learned how to manage it, and that has given me my life back. But I would happily jump at the chance to be free of it forever.
  9. Indeed, that is the hard part. Its important to push yourself beyond your comfort zone, thats how you improve, but you don't have to do it constantly or extremely. While recovery tends to be faster if you can be more aggressive in your treatment, its not worth it if you burn out on it. Be sure to practice self care too, taking it easy when you are particular worn out, giving yourself time and space when you need it etc. Recovery from OCD is a marathon, not a sprint. Stubbornness is more important than speed
  10. Hi @VNDO, welcome to the forums, I am sorry to hear about your struggles, but I am glad to hear that you are taking the steps to get help! Medication is definitely a complicated topic, many people have already offered good advice on this post already. I wanted to add some of my own views/experience since its related to this question as well as address some of your concerns. First, I agree with the others who have said the psychologist is likely mistaken in saying that you can't be helped with therapy. It may be difficult and you may need the help of medication, but I think therapy always has the potential for benefit as long as the patient is willing to take on some of the tasks necessary. Even if its only small gains at first I think therapy is a vital tool to fighting OCD. Next, a quick guide on medication for OCD. The primary medication used to treat OCD belong to a group of drugs called Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors or SSRIs. They are also used (generally in lower doses) to treat depression. They are non-addictive and generally well tolerated, though they can have side effects. Unfortunately each type of SSRI (there are 5 or 6 currently available) tends to affect each person a bit differently. What works well for one person might not work so well for another. Meanwhile you might have few side effects on medication A, but strong side effects on medication B. It can be a bit of a trial and error process to find the right medication type and dose. Additionally it can take a few weeks for you to feel the full affects and adjust to the medication. So unfortunately it can be a bit of a slow process (though again, this can vary from person to person). The good news is that SSRI's are not addictive. While there can be some withdrawal symptoms, particularly if you stop taking them quickly, once you stop you can stay stopped (though your OCD symptoms may return). Generally when a patient stops taking them, they do so gradually to avoid those effects. Some people do not tolerate SSRIs, but the majority do not experience significant side effects. You can look up or ask your doctor about the most common side effects, drowsiness is the one that affects me a little. While any psychotropic drug can affect how you feel/react, numbness (the mental/emotional kind) is not typically associated with SSRIs. In my case my parents described the medication as making me behave like my old, pre-OCD self. I personally don't feel like it has negatively impacted my mood or personality, but I can't speak for everyone. In the end the only real way to know how it effects you is to try it. On the question of is medication necessary? Well I think thats always going to be a personal choice. In my case I'm not sure I would have been able to make the progress I have or maintain my life as well as I have without the assistance of medication. I certainly would be delighted to never have to take medication again, but on balance, for my life and what I gain out of it the medication has been worth it for me. Whether or not you take the medication long term will also be up to you. Personally I have been taking medication for 26 years and I don't anticipate that changing anytime soon. For me the minor side effects I have noticed have been more than worth the positive impact its had on my OCD symptoms. That said it is not at all uncommon for a person to take medication for a time and then, as they improve from therapy, to slowly decrease the medication and come off of it. It will depend on your own progress, how well you tolerate any medication, and your own personal desires. Finally as far as alternatives, well in general there are two main treatments for OCD, medication and therapy. Therapy would specifically be CBT or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. This is not the stereotypical lie on a couch and talk to the doctor about your feelings while he asks you questions therapy, its a therapy that focuses on helping you learn new ways of thinking about and responding to your obsessive thoughts and avoiding your compulsive responses. Studies have been performed that show that CBT therapy alone is about equally effective as medication, and when CBT and medication are combined there is an even higher effectiveness of treatment. In the end the approach that works best for you will depend on your own willingness and ability to engage in the therapy at a pace that you are able to make progress, as well as how well you react to the medication and tolerate any possible side effects. Whether or not you decide to take medication I highly highly highly recommend you also pursue CBT. With a trained therapist/psychologist/doctor if at all possible, though self-help books are also available. Not only does the research show that its beneficial to pursue both treatment options, CBT is something you can always use, even if the medication is for some reason not be as effective for you as it normally might (maybe you are extra stressed, maybe you forgot to take it one day, etc.). You can always apply CBT techniques no matter what, its skills you learn and practice. Managing OCD is a relatively simple process, therapy and/or medication. However that is not to say it will be easy. It takes patience and dedication. Thats the bad news, the good news is that patience and dedication pay off and your life will be better for it. If you have been struggling for some time it may be helpful to at least try medication in the beginning, it can help make the therapy easier to do, but either way its important to start learning how to respond to OCD so you can make the right choices for recovery. Best of luck and of course feel free to ask questions or add your comments to the forums anytime!
  11. It is unfortunately still not unusual in society to think that therapy is "wrong". There are many who still hold this view. Some because they think it means admitting you aren't "tough" or "strong" enough. Others because they don't believe mental health issues really exist. Still others because they are skeptical of medicine in general. When I was first diagnosed with OCD I didn't want to take medication because I thought it was only for "crazy" people and I didn't want to be crazy. I came around and medication (and therapy) made a huge difference in my life. Aside from those outside, societal, reasons why you might think therapy is "wrong", it could be OCD itself at play, feeding you doubt and anxiety about something new and different. In either case the truth is that therapy is a tool, a valuable tool, and one you have every right to use to better your life. You owe it to yourself and your future to do what you can to get control of your OCD and improve things. You deserve happiness and not to continue suffering. Therapy won't make things magically better, but it does offer a path to improvement. I hope you will follow that path!
  12. The world is not perfect, the world isn't ever going to be 100% safe. You are going to be exposed to dangerous substances, you are going to be exposed to "gross" things. You are going to get sick from time to time, and baring something miraculous or a true technological breakthrough, you are going to die. If you set your standard as only living/doing/existing in the world when you can prove its 100% safe, you'll never win. You can spend the rest of your life trying to meet that impossible goal or you can start to make different choices and work towards a future where you have your freedom back. Its up to you.
  13. In other words, the thought "its probably true" pops in to your head. But what you have described is exactly what I experience as an OCD sufferer. Triggers are a common source of problems for OCD sufferers, its why avoidance is a common compulsion. My primary OCD fear when I first had OCD 26 years ago was throwing up, especially in public. Very often it would bother me the most when I heard something, or saw something, or THOUGHT I heard or saw something related to that fear. OCD isn't just walking around minding your own business then suddenly BLAMO "OMG I MIGHT GET CANCER" pops in to your head and you start to react. More often than not the intrusive thought IS triggered by something related you see/hear/think about. Its definitely intrusive. Intrusive means you don't want it and it won't go away. If a genie gave you the ability to wish that you would NEVER have thoughts like that again you'd take it right? You'd rather sit next to your dad and NOT have the thought "Do I like this?" right? Its an intrusive thought because you don't want it, you don't like it. Thats all it means to be intrusive. So yup, your thoughts on the bus were intrusive thoughts. Again, this is completely in line with OCD. You are experiencing distress about situations because of the thoughts/feelings/images you might have, its called anticipatory anxiety. Further, thinking "that means its real" is common to OCD. I've had those exact same kind of reactions, those exact same types of feelings about my own anxieties before. Compulsions are done in response to intrusive thoughts to TRY and reduce anxiety, but they become habitual behaviors and lose their ability to even do that much over time. But its not just acute anxiety that compulsions reduce, its discomfort, general anxiety, anticipatory anxiety, feeling not "right", etc. Part of the problem you seem to have is pigeonholing OCD into very limited specific boxes, focusing only on single words and if it doesn't match 100% with that specific scenario you declare that it is therefore not at all OCD. Its very black or white thinking, its not very helpful, and its also very common for OCD sufferers. Going on to sites to see if you can relate is a checking compulsion, that you've done it so many times demonstrates that. It can be a lengthy process, but its not always lengthy. Someone who has mild flu can have a fever. Someone who has ebola can also have a fever. Saying that it must be ebola because people with ebola have a fever isn't logical. A fever can also be the flu, and the flu is FAR more likely. Especially if you have other flu symptoms and not all the symptoms of ebola. You have all the symptoms of OCD. I believe you 100% when you say you don't feel like it is OCD. How you feel is how you feel. But how you feel does not mean thats what is true. Lets say you send a text message to your friend. Lets say they don't respond for awhile. You might feel like they hate you. Later it turns out they left their phone at home and so didn't see your text message until much later, when they did respond. They didn't hate you. Your feeling was real, but it wasn't true. So you might feel like its not OCD, but that doesn't mean its not OCD. You seem to have some very specific, and very narrow, understanding of what OCD is and how it affects people. We are trying to help you understand that your understanding of OCD is incomplete/misguided. There are multiple of us here with decades of experience dealing with OCD, and we are all telling you that everything you describe fits OCD, that OCD explains all the problems you are having. And consider, we get absolutely nothing if we are right. We don't get royalty checks from OCD doctors if you go and see them. Our sole reason for trying to convince you to treat this as OCD is because we want to help you. We have no reason to lie, we gain nothing from doing so. Meanwhile if you do, in fact, have OCD, it would be perfectly normal for you to doubt you have OCD. Simply by having the disorder it would explain your reluctance to believe it. Its frustrating, absolutely, but its still true. We are offering you a path to a better life, its a hard path at times, but its there. We are doing all this, spending all this time posting, because we want you to have a better life, because you are suffering and you don't need to be. I hope you will consider that and I hope you will let us help you.
  14. A few years back I was struggling with the fear that I was going to harm (and possibly kill) myself. That I would somehow lose control and do it. I was terrified to tell even my therapist (or any doctor) for fear they would see me as suicidal and lock me away. The idea that this worst fear might be confirmed delayed me from seeking help. Eventually I did tell someone and was able to get the help I needed. I also had a few realizations as part of that. First, had my worst fear been true, had I truly been a danger to myself, committing me to a mental hospital or some other place would have been the right thing for the doctor to do. Even though I didn't like that idea, even thought it terrified me, they would have been trying to help me and were that reality true, that would have probably been what I really needed. Overwhelminingly medical professionals do what they do because they want to help us. Yes mistakes happen and yes there are bad people out there who do bad things, but more often than not getting helped, even if you are scared of it, is the right thing. In your case, if your problem really was being gay and not accepting it, the right thing for a therapist to do would be to try and help you do that. If you are gay then you are, its not something you can change. It might seem scary and bad, but my fear seemed scary and bad too. Had it been true I would have been better off getting help and so would you. Second, fearing something doesn't make it true and medical professionals have often seen a LOT of things and know how to respond and handle them better than we give them credit for. When I finally voiced my fears, first to a care nurse then to the psychiatrist, neither one even batted an eye. They were very supportive and helpful but they didn't panic or freak out at my words like I thought they would. They'd heard it before, they wanted me to get the help I needed and the recognized the difference between OCD and genuine suicidality. I can't promise ALL medical professionals would react that way, after all they are human too, but I think you'd find that if you talk to someone, especially in the mental health field, that they are going to be a lot better at dealing with this than you think.
  15. Nope, thats not how OCD works. If it was recovery would be impossible since the whole point of recovery is to worry less. OCD can and does come and go, it absolutely does not have to be (and seldom is) constant. The idea that you don't have OCD, that its something else, is just another manifestation of the OCD. Its a lie, a lie that things have to absolutely be a certain way or else. Don't give in to the lie. Trust what we are telling you, trust what your doctor or therapist is telling you. Keep working forward.
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