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About dksea

  • Birthday 11/08/1980

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    Tokyo, Japan

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  1. You are allowing a theoretical future problem prevent you from living life now. Not rapping because at some unspecified point in the future some old police report could come to light and make your life difficult is like not rapping because at some unspecified point in the future you might be hit by a car and lose the ability to speak. Either you need to choose to let this go, or you need to choose to take an active step to remove the item in question from the record. The alternative is to be paralyzed by doubt and lead an unhappier (rap free) life. If you love rapping that much, then you keep rapping. If for one reason or another that becomes impossible, well then you look for something else you can do instead. Who knows what else you might enjoy. Who knows where else you might find a new interest or new way to explore your current one. You would be far from the first person to lose the ability/opportunity to do something they love, but people adjust. People have life altering things happen to them all the time, they adjust, and go on to lead rewarding lives anyway. Theres a lot of life experiences out there.
  2. dksea

    Back again

    We have told you what to do, treat this as OCD, follow the recovery steps for OCD either on your own or with a therapist. That includes working to stop ruminating compulsions including trying to "solve" the question of whether your in denial or not. There is no such thing as "OCD thoughts". All thoughts are actual thoughts. Either you have a thought or you don't. As soon as you have a thought its an actual thought. But HAVING a thought doesn't mean a thought is true. I can have the thought "I am the greatest football player in history!". But that doesn't mean I could out perform David Beckham on the pitch. I can have the thought "I can fly!" but it doesn't mean i won't injure myself if I jump off the roof of my house and flap my wings. I can walk through the forest, hear a noise and think "OMG ITS A BEAR" but it then turns out it was just a rabbit. We have thoughts all the time, some we choose, some that happen involuntarily, no person on earth can control every thought they have, its functionally impossible. OCD doesn't make us have thoughts, OCD makes us dwell on, and worry about, thoughts that happen anyway. When I was younger I had a brief period where I worried about being gay. But OCD didn't make me have the thought "What if I'm gay?". Lots of people have that thought, probably most people at some point or another. OCD didn't create the thought, it merely latched on to it and made me feel doubt and anxiety about it. It could have been any thought. It could have been, "What if everything I touch is contaminated" or "What if my family is injured in a car crash" or "What if i'm a horrible monster". All these are thoughts that virtually everyone gets from time to time. The only difference is whether or not that thought gets stuck, THAT is OCD. OCD doesn't make thoughts, it just affects how we react to thoughts. There is a saying: "If you think it might be OCD, it probably is." But that doesn't mean your thought is OCD, it means your REACTION to the thought is driven BY OCD. So what can you do with that? You can choose to accept that the anxiety, doubt and fear you feel is from OCD, not legitimate worry. You can choose to treat your doubts and fears as not worth spending time on. You can choose to accept that sometimes you have thoughts that you don't want, but that doesn't mean the thought is true or it says anything about your deeper self. You can CHOOSE not to continue ruminating on these thoughts, to accept that they aren't important and that you are allowed to move on with your life. Yes the thoughts make you uncomfortable but you don't have to respond. Just as a smoker feels like they NEED a cigarette you feel like these questions NEED to be answered. And just like the smoker can live without the cigarette, probably better than with it, you can live without "solving" these thoughts. It might feel hard at first, but you can do it. That is what you do.
  3. There are four possible scenarios: 1. You have NO control over your actions, you keep doing things as you have been. 2. You have NO control over your actions, you CHANGE how you have been doing things. 3. You HAVE control over your actions, you keep doing things as you have been. 4. You HAVE control over your actions, you CHANGE how you have been doing things. If 1 or 2 are true, it doesn't matter, your controlled either way. If 4 is true then you have the power to make things better and you make that choice. If 3 is true then you have the power to make things better but you waste it because you are afraid of 1 or 2 being true. Doing nothing because you might be controlled by something else is illogical, it means you continue to suffer even if you have the power to change it. Doing SOMETHING even though you might be controlled by something else is the ONLY logical course of action, because it gives you the only possible outcome for happiness in the case you are not controlled. Under no scenario does it make sense to continue doing what you are doing. None.
  4. You have two choices: 1. Accept that this is OCD, decide you want to get better and CHOOSE to act accordingly. 2. Continue as you are. Thats it. Thats all there is. These are your two options. If you want to get better you have to choose to do things differently. You have to choose to accept the advice we (and your therapist) are giving you. You have to choose to stop saying "True but...". You have to choose to stop giving in to "What if...". You have to choose. Right now you are making the choice over and over to continue to engage with the OCD. You are making the choice not to listen to or accept the advice from myself, Polar Bear, etc. These are choices you are making. Until you choose differently there is nothing more to say. And if, by chance, your latest fear is true, that your thoughts and actions are somehow outside your control, well then nothing we say here will change things for you either, so again there is really nothing more to say. I hope you will listen this time. I hope you will take in what has been said. But only you can make the choice.
  5. More OCD. You don't have to engage these questions.
  6. Yes you do, its called OCD. This is what OCD does, it makes you feel doubt and anxiety about random thoughts, then you focus on them, start performing compulsive behaviors to try and eliminate the anxiety, and in the end just make the thoughts dig in deeper. As for the second question, no, for the most part people (particularly those without mental illness) are not troubled by these thoughts. To the extent that they even consider them, they realize that wasting the amount of time and energy you have worrying about them is pointless. Yes its harder for OCD sufferers to dismiss these thoughts as it is for non-OCD sufferers but thats just the unfortunate reality. You can continue talking about how hard it is, or you can change your behavior so it stops being so hard. Again, yes I recognize its more difficult for you, but you still have a choice, you can still choose to dwell on this or you can choose to take the steps needed to overcome OCD. This is all more compulsive behavior. Ruminating, analyzing, etc. You DO NOT need to solve these questions. You DO NOT need to spend even one second analyzing, debating, ruminating on them. You can CHOOSE not to spend time on them. Yes it will feel hard at first, but you can do it. A smoker feels the NEED to smoke, but they don't actually have to. You feel the NEED to analyze these thoughts, but you don't actually have to. It's up to you which path you take, but posting more about your specific worries is just a compulsion. Its not going to help.
  7. This is the key point. Nobody can prove it. Worrying about it, dwelling on it, spending time focused on it is not going to change that. You can't force the thoughts to go away. The harder you try to NOT think about them, the more you will think about them. You can make the choice not to care about the thoughts though. If the thought happens, you let it happen, you let it just be there, you don't engage with it. You don't have to respond to it. You don't have to ruminate on it or analyze it or do anything with it. If it happens, it happens, you continue to get on with your day. Eventually your mind will stop surfacing these thoughts IF you don't react to them. You need to take the attitude of "so what". Every time the thought pops in to your head, so what? Who cares? You don't have to.
  8. dksea


    Hey AWC, welcome to the forums. I used Prozac for about the first 10 years of my now 25 year OCD journey. During that time my dosage went up and down quite a few times based on my symptoms and other life situations. In my case there were little to no side effects so it wasn't an issue. Hopefully that would be the same for you. However, as Tauren points out, when it comes to OCD meds we all react differently. You won't know how effective it is until you try. Its also worth notting that, in general SSRI dosage for OCD tends to be higher than dosage for Depression. 40mg is the middle range dosage level for Prozac, so it would not be at all surprising if you need to go a little higher to get maximum benefit. If you are able to tolerate a higher dosage level and it helps you lead a better life, seems like it would be worth exploring. Most likely you'd increase incrementally and see how things go, you probably wouldn't jump to 40 mg right away, possibly going to 25 or 30 depending on what your doctor believes is best. As another personal example, i'm currently taking Lexapro. Last year, after things had been going well for a long time, my doctor and I decided to try a lower dosage and we went down 5 mg. Things continued to go well so 9 months ago we went down another 5mg. Unfortunately over the next few months my anxiety and OCD symptoms began to increase, slowly at first and then noticeably. After awhile it became noticeable and problematic enough that we decided to go back up by 5mg. Since then things have settled back in to normal. So for me, for whatever reason that dosage level was the right one. Going lower just wasn't quite enough. Dialing in that ideal dosage is just trial and error unfortunately. And it may change over time. Maybe in the future I will be fine on a lower dosage or maybe life stresses will contribute to needing a higher dose for awhile. The thing is to be aware of your own situation and work together with your doctor to do whats best for your own well being. And of course, do the CBT work, thats the most important overall!
  9. dksea

    Memory truth OCD.

    You need to remind yourself that its ok not figure it out. You can live the rest of your life without figuring it out. A smoker thinks they NEED another cigarette, the addiction keeps pushing them to smoke again. But a smoker doesn't have to listen to that urge, they can choose not to smoke and they will be ok. It feels hard, but that doesn't mean its impossible. It feels difficult to resist the urge to engage in compulsions, especially at first, but its not impossible. And the more you do it, the easier it will become.
  10. See a therapist, do CBT, work on stopping compulsions, make a concrete plan and follow it. There's been lots of suggestions on many threads for what you can do.
  11. As the saying goes, Rome was not built in a day. Of course you want to be free of all the intrusive thoughts you have right away, thats natural, but you have to accept that recovery is going to be an incremental process, that its basically impossible to tackle all your problems at once. If you focus only on the negative you won't be able to make progress. Listen to your therapist, do the work, and accept that everything won't change overnight.
  12. Which is part of OCD, so what are you going to do about it?
  13. If you are concerned about this, I would recommend talking to your therapist or doctor about it, and getting their advice. Probably the recommendation will be to just leave it alone, thats its in the past and worrying about it won't help. If, (big if) they say its worth revisiting your next step should be to speak with a lawyer about the simplest way to go about it. You mention that there is an appeals process to have it removed, but rather than trying to do it yourself its probably best to have a consultation with a legal professional so you can handle it as easily as possible. They lawyer may advise you its not worth the effort too, in which case you should follow their advice and go back to step one, simply working on letting it go.
  14. Hi Orwell, you may not realize it but this post is a compulsion. Its a form of reassurance seeking and rumination. While getting better, more regular and restful sleep will probably help your overall well being including your OCD, its not going to be as simple as tracking sleep wake times and comparing it to other forum goers. Should you get good sleep? Yes. But you should focus on treating your OCD using CBT. Thats where the solution lies, not in analyzing the sleep patterns of the rest of us
  15. If you are genuinely thinking about suicide/considering ending your life you should immediately seek help, a friend, a family member, Samaritans, etc. There is no reason not to do so right now if thats what you are going through. Its never a bad idea to get help if you are going down that path because its how you can get better. Assuming its not something so urgent though, it sounds like an OCD intrusive thought: Worrying about possibie bad outcomes is par for the course with OCD. Absolutely its tragic that some people reach a point where they take their own lives or harm themselves in some way. But dwelling on that and ruminating on it is just more OCD. Its not really different from existential OCD, or harm OCD, or sickness related OCD, just more "what ifs...". So if you are genuinely feeling suicidal you need help immediately, please seek it out. If you are merely dwelling on the possibility of and thoughts around suicide, then you also need help, because its OCD. Make a plan, speak to your psychiatrist and start recognizing these thoughts for what they are.