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About dksea

  • Birthday 11/08/1980

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    Tokyo, Japan

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  1. OCD is about doubt and the inability to accept doubt NOT the inability to accept any particular thought. OCD can be about any thought, it doesn't have to be an initial thought. More often than not people with OCD get caught up in spirals of "what if", going far far far beyond the initial thought. Because you have OCD and thats what OCD does, it makes us continue to feel doubt/uncertainty/distress even though we normally wouldn't. That last part is the faulty thinking that is (at least partly) keeping you stuck. You can feel bad and have done absolutely nothing wrong. You can feel nothing and have done something terrible. While it is often true that when we do something bad we feel bad, it is not guaranteed. For example, what if I told you that you got drunk one night and murdered someone. I showed you pictures too. You would probably feel awful. Guess what? I was lying and the pictures were fake. You still felt awful because you THOUGHT you had done something wrong, not because you HAD done something wrong. If I lied to you for your entire life about it, you'd feel awful for your entire life even though you never did anything wrong and never deserved to feel bad. That would make me a pretty terrible person, but thats also basically what OCD is doing to you. Its lying to you, its saying "well gosh, you feel bad so that means you MUST have done something bad, you deserve it!". Yet you have no proof, no reason whatsoever to believe you did something bad OTHER than that you feel bad. In short, the bold statement above is logically flawed. Sticking with that line of thinking will leave you stuck. You don't have to do that though, you don't have to agree with that statement. You can say "I feel bad, but it doesn't mean I did something wrong". You don't have to punish yourself for something without proof it happened. And you don't have to go looking for proof just because you feel bad. Thats backwards. Assume you haven't done something awful until proven otherwise. Assume you feel bad because of disorder called OCD until proven otherwise. AND even if you do do something wrong in your life, you don't have to be punished for all eternity either. The punishment should be proportional to the act. If you make fun of someone, apologize and feel a little bad then move on, etc.
  2. Oh yeah, home improvement/home buying shows are really relaxing too. Also enjoy the Great British Bake Off (or Great British Baking Show as its called in the US for copyright reasons)
  3. Much like OCD demands a false goal of 100% certainty, the idea of 100% "honesty" is an impossible, and IMO, in many ways unfair goal in a relationship. Is honesty and trust necessary for a good, healthy relationship? Absolutely. But that doesn't mean you have to share absolutely EVERYTHING no matter what. That kind of inflexible thinking is easy as a motto, but in practice it seldom, if ever, works. Despite what the childhood lessons tell us, honesty is NOT always the best policy. For example, imagine your partner decides to start painting as a hobby. They complete a piece and are very proud of it. They ask you what you think of it. Its not bad, but obviously there is room for improvement. You COULD be "100% honest" and give a detailed critique of all the mistakes you see, all the little flaws, how you prefer a different kind of art, etc. But is that helping you OR your partner in any meaningful way? I doubt it. You can also honestly share some positive thoughts with your partner. You don't have to lie to them and say its the next Picasso or Van Gough, but you can tell them they are improving a lot, that you like the colors, etc. Which is better and more caring? Brutal absolute honesty that requires no consideration of the other person or the situation? Or thoughtful, meaningful honesty that considers the feelings of both yourself AND your partner. Again I am not advocating lying or dishonesty to them, but taking the time and effort to understand what is worth saying and what is worth NOT saying to show them care. Your intrusive thoughts are painful for you, that's clear. And in this case they are about your partner, but remember, the problem with OCD is not the specific details of the thoughts. The thoughts could be about ANYTHING and they would be painful. Very often they are about things that are important to us, its true, but it still doesn't mean that the details are actually the problem. Anyone can have a stray, unwanted, unpleasant thought about someone they love, and pretty much all people do. Its just part of life, its part of how brains work, brains have thoughts about LOTS of things. The problem is not that you had this stray thought, the problem is it got "stuck" because of OCD. If you didn't have OCD you could have (and possibly would have) had the same thought, except you would have barely noticed it and/or moved on from it long ago. The details of the thought are painful, yes, but they aren't the actual problem. The actual problem is that the thought is stuck and so you are reacting to it disproportionate to the reality of the problem. Its what all OCD sufferers do until we learn to better manage our intrusive thoughts. Whether or not you share the details of your thoughts is a very personal decision, only you can decide if its necessary. But you should consider whether doing so would be helpful to either you or your partner OR if you are doing it as part of a compulsion. Remember, OCD demands absolutes, but real life seldom does.
  4. Remember, at the heart of all OCD is the lack of feeling certain, the lack of feeling "ok, I can move on" from that thought. You want to feel certain that you aren't a pedophile. You want to feel certain that you aren't a cheater. Its understandable you want to feel that way, we all do. One of the struggles with OCD is learning to separate the fact that we feel doubt from the idea that the doubt means we are the thing we fear. Right now you have an almost instinctive reaction to thoughts related to, as you put it, infidelity. When you have these thoughts you feel doubt, and you are almost certainly interpreting that doubt, perhaps without even thinking about it much, along the lines of "why would I have those thoughts if part of me didn't want to do it?" You might not phrase it in that exact way, but the general vibe is probably there. An important part of overcoming OCD is recognizing these kind of faulty thought patterns and actively working to correct them. Its hard, especially at first, because they happen seemingly automatically, but you can stop them. When you notice that you are falling in to this kind of thought pattern you have to correct yourself. For example, reminding yourself that having a thought doesn't mean you want the thing the thought is about it. Reminding yourself that you have OCD and that means you will feel uncomfortable about thoughts but it doesn't mean you have to "fight" them. Reminding yourself that you can't be 100% certain about anything and its ok to not try to be. Etc. I have a feeling you are probably fighting REALLY hard to stop having "these thoughts". Thats a losing battle. Overcoming OCD doesn't mean never having unpleasant or unwanted thoughts, it means treating them as unimportant when they happen, because they are unimportant. I don't mean that infidelity or pedophilia are unimportant. And I don't mean that you have to LIKE those things. I mean that you recognize that having these intrusive thoughts isn't ACTUALLY meaningful, it doesn't mean you WANT these things and you don't have to give those thoughts the time of day. The more you treat the thoughts as unimportant, the more you react to the thought as "ok yeah, whatever, that thought isn't important" or "ok, thanks OCD, anyway back to what I was doing", the easier it will get. If you have not read it yet I highly recommend the book "Brain Lock". It does a much better job than me about explaining this stuff, and the 4 Steps method is a very useful CBT tool for helping you break the habit of responding to these thoughts. It also does a great job of demystifying a lot of things about OCD. I know you are suffering and it sucks. I am there with you in wishing I could just wake up tomorrow and be 100% free from OCD for the rest of my life. But until that miracle occurs for one/all of us, we need to take the steps we can to deal with OCD and get back control of our lives. I know its hard and scary but you can do it too. Hang in there.
  5. OK, you said some things and you found her attractive. If you feel those things were inappropriate then do your best not to do them again. We all make mistakes. Learn from it, move on. That doesn't mean you are excusing it, it means treating the situation in proportion to what it is. As PB said, this situation is being blown out of proportion, likely because of OCD. You need to actively choose to work against the OCD and part of that is resisting the urge to treat situations as bigger deals than they are.
  6. You've basically answered your own question right here.
  7. First, i think its important for you to understand the difference between a thought being "real" and a thought being what you want to do/will do. All thoughts you have are real, either you have a thought or you don't. But having a thought and the thought being important are not the same thing. Having a thought doesn't mean its what you want, or what you will do. Our brains generate an immense number of thoughts, they have to, its how they work, but we decide what to do with those thoughts, which to follow through on, which to ignore. For most people that happens largely without effort, its just like walking, you don't think about walking you just walk. Most people don't think about thinking, they jsut think. Unfortunately for OCD sufferers we get caught up in thinking about thinking and it causes us distress. Everyone has intrusive thoughts, random thoughts, etc. You can have a thought about flying, it doesn't mean you can fly. You can have a thought about wanting to punch your boss in the face, it doesn't mean you are going to do it. A thought is just a thought. How you choose to respond to it is what determines whether its meaningful or not. Finally, if your goal is to be 100% certain about every thought you have, you will fail. It is not possible for two reasons. First its impossible to be 100% certain about ANYTHING. Its part of the laws of the universe. Second, you have far more thoughts than you can possibly keep track of, most of which you barely even notice. Right now you are fighting a battle that you can't win, but its also a battle you don't have to fight. You FEEL like you have to fight it or "bad things" will happen, but thats a lie OCD causes sufferers to believe. You have to choose to accept uncertainty. Its a part of life. It always has been and always will be. The best thing you can do if you are really struggling would be to speak with your doctor or therapist (if you have one) or to find one if at all possible if you don't currently have one. We can offer support and advice here, but getting professional help opens a lot of doors for recovery. I hope you'll consider it, you don't have to fight this alone.
  8. Its important to recognize our compulsions and try and reduce/stop them. However, its also important to be kind to ourselves, to recognize that OCD is not easy to deal with, and that we don't have to be perfect. Its ok, the forum is here for people to get help and to help each other.
  9. Welcome to the forums @Cas24 As PolarBear mentions above, CBT is a process, you can't just attend the meetings/sessions and forget about it the rest of the time. Its absolutely necessary to learn the steps and techniques and do them everyday if you want to make real, sustainable progress. I would ask yourself, and your therapist if you can't answer the question on your own yet, what is your plan? What steps are you supposed to be doing every day? How are you measuring your progress? This is a very common problem for OCD sufferers. Its also highly unlikely you have been able to fake it/convince yourself and others you have OCD. You want to feel certain this is OCD, that would make it easier of course. Unfortunately OCD is a disease of doubt, the whole problem is it makes it so we have a difficult time feeling certain about some things. So if you wait until you are CERTAIN its OCD you may wait forever. You have to make the choice to assume its OCD, even if you have doubt. Keep treating the problem as OCD, you don't have to be 100% sure. This would be a good topic to discuss with your therapist, one of their jobs is to help you with steps like that. Having difficulty recognizing your compulsions doesn't mean you don't have OCD, try to avoid taking leaps like that in your thinking and notice them when you do. It will help to be more self aware of that type of mistake. Again your therapist can/should help you with that. Here's a good place to start, this would be a compulsion. You are engaging in a repetitive behavior to try and ease the distress that OCD causes you to feel. This is a kind of checking compulsion, checking to see if your situation matches/is similar to other sufferers to "prove" you have OCD. Its understandable, many of us fall in to this type of compulsion. Now that you are aware of it, next is to make a plan on how to stop doing it, either immediately or, more likely, gradually. If you aren't sure what to do, talk to your CBT therapist, they are there to help guide you to make a plan and come up with the steps you can take to achieve your goals. But you will still need to do the work yourself, over and over. OCD recovery is unfortunately seldom quick, it requires patience and time, but it is worth it in the end.
  10. Well in general its not a good idea to start and stop medication on your own. SSRIs (especially fluoxetine) take awhile to both build up in your body to effective levels and decline from them so its unlikely you'll experience significant change in a short period. Also, there can be withdrawal side effects, so its better to come off them slowly rather than simply stop and start. If you don't want to take the medication at all, even if the doctor recommends it you don't have to take it, that decision is ultimately up to you, but I think you know that the right thing to do is talk to your doctor about this. Even if you decide you want to stop using the medication (which is up to you) you should still follow their advice on how to do that.
  11. OCD can make you obsess over anything, including whether or not you have OCD. You want to feel SURE this is OCD. Unfortunately you might not feel sure. That doesn't mean its not OCD. You have to choose to treat it as OCD even if you have some doubts. It would be easier if you could feel certain but you don't have to feel certain to treat it. You just have to make the choice and then stick with it.
  12. Not knowing, the bane of OCD. Its ok not to know, its ok to decide without perfect certainty. You can make a decision and it can be the wrong one, it happens, not the end of the world. And if you decide to see the therapist one time, well then you saw him one time. You can decide after you don't want to go back.
  13. Distractions can help, keeping busy can help, focusing on the things we enjoy, the things that we look forward too can help. Nothing wrong with any of that. But its also important to take time to address the underlying problem (OCD) and do what you can to improve how you deal with it using things like CBT. But thats something that can take time and work, so as much as we'd like it to go away quickly, keep in mind that its not wrong if it doesn't happen in one day Feeling bad, feeling guilty, etc. sucks, of course, but also keep in mind its not the end of the world. You don't have to be a perfect person, which is good because you can't be. If you do something that makes you feel bad, learn from it, try not to do it again. Its ok to let go of mistakes, even big ones, after awhile. You are not required to feel guilty forever, particularly if you try and change. If I were to get angry with you and call you some horrible names, I should feel bad about it afterwards. But I shouldn't spend the rest of my life feeling bad about it. You apologize (genuinely) or feel bad (genuinely) you try and make amends when appropriate, you try and avoid the same mistake in the future, and you move on. Exactly, you are not sure, because you have OCD. Thats what OCD is, not feeling sure, the whole problem kinda comes down to that. And reading the stuff online, thats compulsions, and it doesn't help. But reading about stings online doesn't mean they are more likely to happen to you. Even confessing on message boards (another compulsion) doesn't mean the police are going to come beat down the door. Yes you can say its irrational, and part of you can even believe it, but you want to FEEL certain about that, and because of OCD you don't. So you think that means something, that you really SHOULD be worried. Because if you didn't need to worry, well you wouldn't feel any doubt right? WRONG! Feeling doubt and needing to worry about something are not the same. You could worry about anything and that won't change whether or not it happens. You could worry you'll be struck by lightning. Doesn't mean you are gonna be struck by lightning. Part of recovery from OCD is accepting that you can feel doubt about something but you don't have to do anything about that doubt. Its a choice you make. A hard one sometimes but a choice, none the less.
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