dksea

3 hours ago, daja said:

Plants

Zombies 

On 16/04/2021 at 20:40, BelAnna said:

Transubstantiation 

I love that this is the word that comes to your mind for Pope

On 19/04/2021 at 00:35, SarahW said:

Thanks @dksea and @malina for your replies. I did apply for the rented property but unfortunately missed out as the landlord opted for a couple to live in the property instead. The bumblebee situation all seems so silly now looking back. I’m genuinely gutted that I didn’t get the place and now compare all other properties to it.
 

The stress of getting things ‘just right’ is becoming so draining. I’m currently struggling with a new OCD problem. It’s true what they say that you focus on one problem until the next one presents itself - then you focus on the new one! I’ve been trying so hard to avoid doing certain rituals but I end up giving in and doing them anyway. Trying to convince myself that not doing a ritual is ok is exhausting and is constantly making me feel anxious, sick and unsettled. I just want to relax and enjoy life without the stress of completing and thinking about these rituals. I’m sure I sound like every other OCD sufferer! Distracting myself with work, property-hunting and socialising offer short-term distractions and then when I return home, I am faced with my insides nagging me to complete the ritual! Uhhh! Anyone have a magic wand to make this easier??!! 

I'm glad you applied for the property, though sorry it didn't work out.  It can definitely be disappointing when an opportunity that seems like a great match doesn't work out.  And OCD doesn't make things easier with its demands for things being "just right".  Its good to remind yourself that there really is no situation that is going to be perfect.  Your dream job is probably going to have bad days.  The love of your life is going to have annoying habits too.  That new gadget or gizmo you really look forward to is going to have imperfections.  We live in a messy, imperfect world, but that doesn't mean we can't enjoy it!

A number of years back I had a very interesting reminder of this.  I first moved to Japan as part of a program to help teach English in schools here.  The Japanese government recruits (mostly young) people from various English speaking countries to come teach here for 1-5 years.  Its a really wonderful opportunity and I'm glad I took it.  Anyway, during the application process you can put down your preferences for where you'd like to go.  Not surprisingly the majority of participants list the major cities here, Tokyo, Osaka, Kyoto, etc. as top choices.  And, also unsurprisingly the vast majority of people are placed...everywhere else  including some very rural, semi-remote (as remote as things can be in a country the size of Japan) locations.  Well during my second year with the program I helped conduct a survey of program participants.  Among the many questions we asked was and "how satisfied are you with your location".  Despite the vast majority (like low single digit percent) getting placed in a location they had requested the overwhelming majority were ultimately happy with their placement.  And I could vouch for this personally.  I hadn't even heard of the prefecture (let alone the town) where I ended up, but even though I've since moved on it remains one of my favorite places I've ever lived, and some of the best years of my life.  So even though it wasn't my ideal, and even though it had some imperfections and things did not always go smoothly, overall it was an extremely positive experience because I was able to embrace the opportunity, inspire of not being "perfect".  The people who were most unhappy, the ones who didn't last long in the program, were largely the ones who focused on what they didn't get, how their reality didn't match their expectations, etc.

Of course OCD makes that harder, its not as simple as "always look on the bright side of life" or anything, good lord I wish it were!  But attitude and approach DO matter and DO make a difference.  A key part of recovery is learning to embrace imperfection, uncertainty, etc. as just a normal part of life.  I encourage you to try as best as you can (and I know it won't always be possible) to focus on the good aspects of the properties you continue to look at.  As much as you want the other property its gone, and thats not going to change.  While a little wistfulness is normal, try not to let it overwhelm the future.  You do have some control over this and the more you practice it, the easier it gets, and the less control OCD has.

On 16/04/2021 at 20:40, hetty said:

Yes, I see what you mean. Perhaps 'your feelings are valid' is just a happy-go-lucky way of covering up our worst qualities.

I think the phrase kind of grew out of the movement to challenge attitudes that seek to deny feelings and experiences, especially in areas such as racism or sexism or toxic masculinity.  Things like "real men don't cry" or "women are too emotional" or what not.  So there is some value in recognizing that historically ignored/diminished experiences are ok.  But the more it is applied as a blanket statement, the less helpful it becomes.  People can abuse it as a way to justify not just valid behavior, but also negative behavior and even abusive behavior.  As in just about everything, context matters.

9 hours ago, hetty said:

I have always quite firmly believed in 'your feelings are valid'. I have never taken it to mean 'it's okay to hurt people because you feel bad', but rather that you cannot control your feelings and that how you feel is always valid, but how you act is not always valid or okay.

I can understand this kind of philosophy but I don't exactly agree with it.  
How you feel is how you feel, thats true.  If you feel angry, well, you feel angry, thats just the way things are and its good to acknowledge that these emotions and feelings are real.
But I disagree that you can't control your feelings or that how you feel is always valid.
For example, lets say you are driving your car and someone cuts you off.  You feel angry.  But you don't have to STAY angry.  You DO have at least some control over that.  You can choose to reframe how you view these situations and how you do that will also change how you feel about it.  Changing ones perspective is an important part of OCD recovery as we want to train our brains to react to situations differently than the OCD would have us otherwise react.  So you decide to take a different approach to such situations.  You could, for example, decide to take the approach that, while its annoying when someone cuts you off, dwelling on it after the fact doesn't change anything so its not worth the energy to remain angry.

Similarly, maybe you feel upset at someone because of something you think they did, say you are angry at your brother because he took the last slice of pie.  But what if it turns out he didn't take it?  Was your anger valid?  Or did you jump to a conclusion and get angry without reason. However angry you feel/felt towards your brother doesn't mean it was fair.  In OCD things are slightly different but the same concept remains.  You can be fearful of something even if its not an actual risk.  You felt fear, thats a fact, but your fear was based on false information, it wasn't a reasonable fear.

OCD sends false alarms and interferes with our brain operating normally.  We can't control that we have OCD, but we CAN control how we react to it and handle it. We can learn to ignore the false alarms and adjust our emotional response.  True we are not in complete control of every feeling or emotion we have, but we do have some control, maybe its indirect at times but its there.

2 hours ago, Kcbell92 said:

i want to use that as the reasoning to him that I can’t help him like this financially a lot, as he knows my history and knows I had troubles with gambling. But I’m afraid he’ll tell me off curse me out and ban me from my life if I do that 

I think this is more of a general life concern than an OCD specific one, but of course OCD often affects lots of parts of our life.

Its understandable to not want to lose a friend, thats a very common worry.  However a person who would curse you out or ban you from their life because you won't keep giving them money is NOT a friend, they are a thief, a con-man.

It is both good and wise to be careful with your finances.  Helping others out in times of need, especially friends can be noble as well, but if you are harming yourself by doing so thats not a good thing.  You have already helped this person in the past, which is kind of you, but you don't need to provide for them forever.  

While it might be painful, losing this "friend" now if all they want is your money is better for you than keeping them around by paying them.  Trust me, it will hurt a lot worse if someone takes advantage of you for a long time, because eventually they will stop being your "friend" anyway when you stop being useful.  A real friend will understand.  You deserve real friends (we all do), not fake ones.  

Additionally you are also not really helping your friend if you keep bailing them out of their own mistakes and bad decisions.  They also need to learn.  It can seem harsh but it is often for the best to teach people that lesson as well.

It sounds like your aunt has a good head on her shoulders, you should follow her advice and her lead.  Take care of your finances and needs and, as your situation allows from time to time you can also help others, hopefully people in REAL need, not just those who want to use you.

Pope

On 10/04/2021 at 04:21, BelAnna said:

I really liked 'The Fresh Prince of Bel Air' when it was airing here in the 00s. A lot of Brits have seen it because one time Will Smith and Alfonso Ribeiro were on the Graham Norton Show and the audience sung 'Yo home to Bel-air' (the theme song) and Alfonso did the Carlton dance along to the Tom Jones' song.

I'll definitely have to look that one up!!

Thought of another good sitcom, Fresh off the Boat, about a Taiwanese American family set in the 90's in Florida.  Features a good amount of cameos and just finished its 6th and finale season.  Based off a memoir.

Shield

11 hours ago, Getmeout said:

 

Walked past a garage, the smell was really strong. The smell of solvents, I barely have any smell today so it had to be extreme amounts. Dizziness now

 

I’m sorry you aren’t feeling well, but it’s unlikely merely walking past a garage, even one using strong solvents is the reason. More likely your symptoms are being caused by the anxiety over the situation. 

I understand your frustration, but I don’t think the issue is mental health awareness or acceptance, it’s that with some exceptions Twitter is a pretty toxic environment these days filled with awful takes on a lot of stuff.
 

I’m perfectly comfortable talking about my OCD in general to people I know and I’ve even had some good discussions on Facebook about it, but I wouldn’t talk about it on Twitter because it’s waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too easy for some random jackass to chime In and make it an issue.
 

There are seldom real consequences for bad behavior on Twitter plus the anonymous nature means it’s easy for people to get away with their worst behavior. Tack on to that Twitters abysmal record on responding to serious issues like bullying and harassment and, well, it’s not much different than your average internet comments section. 
 

I believe Obi Wan Kenobi put it best:

”Twitter*, you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.”
 

*Not entirely true, there ARE worse places like 4-chan, Parler, Q-anon forums, etc, but Twitters up there. 

You can tell yourself that living your life is more important than doing what OCD says!  
And you can tell yourself that seeing a bee is normal and it doesn’t mean you’ll have a problem and that it’s a good apartment. 
But more important than telling is doing. You saw a bee, that caused you some anxiety, that’s unpleasant. Move in anyway. Make as many choices as you can in defiance of what OCD tries to demand you do.  Sometimes OCD might win a battle but if you keep it up you’ll win the war. 

 

11 hours ago, BelAnna said:

I'm not sure whether Emetophobic contamination fears differ from standard contamination OCD in that respect? Part of CBT for standard contamination OCD is surely is testing out your feared situations and seeing that there is nothing to be afraid of; whereas with Emetophobic contamination fears- if you truly test out the fear then it is pretty much inevitable that at some point you will throw-up or be around someone who is being sick.

I don’t think how we handle/are affected by OCD really differs by fear so much as it differs by person. 
In other words I think you would handle various different fears similarly but you and I might handle the same fear differently. 
 

As for CBT it’s true SOMETIMES part of the process involves directly encountering the feared outcome, but that’s not always possible and there are many ways to confront the fear.  For example a person whose afraid of hurting themselves or others would NEVER be asked to actually do so, that would be unethical.  And what if your fear is that not doing certain things will cause a bad thing to happen, like say, a plane crash. You can’t actually cause a plane crash. (Well I mean you COULD if you were a pilot but that’s different). Imaginary exposures are one option. Putting yourself in a situation where you have to be close to but not actually sick yourself might be another. If you wanted to go really extreme there are ways to make someone vomit though that gets iffy on ethical grounds again. 
 

But I can assure you it’s absolutely possible to move past a fear without experiencing it directly. I did with my emetophobia. I’m not saying I handle it as well as any old random person might, I still very much don’t like the idea. But it doesn’t dominate my life. I can do things like ride public transportation, be around sick people, hear the words  throw up, vomit, etc. even see it on TV with only mild discomfort.  You can too.  

@BelAnna I’m sure it must be frustrating to go through all that and still find yourself struggling

My amateur psychologist guess is what’s keeping you stuck is that you are still fighting the idea that you might get sick someday, that you are still treating that possibility as unacceptable and that you have to fight it at all costs. We tend to focus a lot on the B in CBT but the C is just as important. We have to change not just our behavior (ie reduce/eliminate compulsions) but also our cognition. We have to be willing to accept that we can’t be certain, that even unpleasant things are possible (if perhaps not necessarily likely). 
If this is the case you can work on responding to the intrusive thought by saying something along the lines of “ok, I probably won’t get sick just because my neighbor is, but it might happen and if it does I’ll deal with it”.  Accepting the possibility of something we don’t want happening is hard, we reflexively fight against it, but it can be done and it does work.  I had to do it too. Like when I was on the bus I had to say to myself “you probably aren’t going to get sick, but it sometimes happens to people, and life goes on”. I had to do it for other fears too, like when I was afraid I’d suddenly “lose control” and hurt myself.  I had to sit there with a knife in my hand preparing dinner and say to myself “there’s no reason to believe your going to hurt yourself, but if you do, you do”. Let me tell you, accepting THAT possibility was probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in OCD recovery. But it turns out to be incredibly freeing. It’s like that feeling when you finally get a task done you’ve been putting off over and over. When it’s done you say to yourself “why the heck didn’t I take care of that sooner, now I don’t have to worry about it!”   You can feel the same with OCD.  

11 hours ago, Hal said:

I saw Camille Cotton on Graham Norton's show

We didn't get Graham Nortons show in the US, though maybe you can now thanks to streaming, but I've caught clips on YouTube in recent years and its really enjoyable!

Oh another great show that may or may not have made it to the UK airwaves is the Fresh Prince of Bel Air staring Will Smith.  I recently started re-watching it again on streaming (HBO Max in the US) and am really enjoying it.  Good mix of humor but also occasional serious issues.

On 08/04/2021 at 08:10, BelAnna said:

Thanks Dksea, that's something I need to work on. I find it very difficult (almost unbearable) to cope with the idea of contracting a stomach virus again (I've not had one for over a decade) but this fear has such a huge impact on my life. I particularly struggle with a fear of being stuck in the house with someone else who is sick (throwing up) with a virus and knowing that everything is contaminated and that I might be next. 

I can understand, emetophobia was my first major OCD fear too.  Its definitely not fun, and a tough fear too.  But I think its good you realize its something to work on.  Even this post highlights the disparity between the fear and the actual event.  You haven't had a stomach virus in over a decade!  

And yeah, being around someone who is sick is also not fun (there's a reason I'm not a doctor! well a few actually :D) but I'm guessing your estimation of "contamination" far far FAR outweighs the actual risk, not to mention what that fear does to you versus the occasional illness.  It helps me to keep in mind that OCD makes my risk estimation skills pretty bad   Knowing its a lot of false alarms has helped me temper my responses to fear.

On 08/04/2021 at 07:30, daja said:

• Buttons - especially big ones (I have had koumpounophobia since very young)
• Alcohol
• Smoke
• Arrogance
• Fantasy films
• Music festivals
• Concerts
• Dancing in public
• Banter

I doubt many people will disagree on Arrogance or Smoke!

By buttons do you mean the kind you push or the kind on clothing (or both)?

I'm with you on alcohol (as I mentioned above).  Fine if others enjoy it responsibly but never got the appeal myself!

8 hours ago, BelAnna said:

I think maybe Dksea was meaning that the big dough pretzels aren't grose or do you mean the small hard snack variety too Dkea? (because if so you're wrong! just kidding!)

I enjoy all varieties of pretzels!

I think you should work on accepting that sickness is a thing that happens. The odds of you going through the rest of your life and never catching something are basically zero. Even with the extreme measures people have had to take with COVID illness can still spread.  So long as you cling to the idea that it’s possible to avoid it all I think you will continue to struggle. 
Is illness unpleasant? Absolutely. But honestly I think the hell OCD puts us through worrying about it is worse than the actual experience, especially given the relative infrequency of illness in our lives compared to how OCD can take over on a daily basis. 
So challenge not just the avoidance but also the very idea itself. 

5 hours ago, Lostsoul said:

Milk chocolate! I don't think I could live without this. Lol.

I like it even less since I became lactose intolerant

But I was never much of a chocolate fan. Growing up only my and my best friend Troy would have non-chocolate birthday cakes. We really looked forward to each other’s birthdays because of that

On 04/04/2021 at 07:09, Getmeout said:

You are right. Because now my head attached to another worry -- fear of radon in the house I lived in for almost 20 years. I haven't healthobsessed in quite a while, mostly about contamination.  soo this is what happens to me everytime..

Its unfortunate that OCD can jump from topic to topic, but the good thing is you can use the same tools and techniques to push back regardless of the theme or worry.  The more you practice the better you'll get, the more automatic the reactions will become and the OCD will have a harder and harder time maintaining its grip.  Hang in there!

On 03/04/2021 at 18:33, Ocdhead said:

Had my first therapy session this morning. I let out all my fears, all the events and triggers that have scared me so much about pocd and my other obsessions and I am so relieved to have let it all out.

Congratulations and good job!  I know it must have been hard, you should be proud for doing it!
 

On 03/04/2021 at 18:33, Ocdhead said:

The therapist didn’t judge me at all and really listened and understood my worries. I wish I had done this years ago! 

There are so many really great people out there who really do want to help others.  Its good to be reminded of it!
 

On 03/04/2021 at 18:33, Ocdhead said:

I am starting to feel hopeful for the future that I might recover from this finally! 

Thats great to hear!

Welcome John!  Sorry that you have had to suffer with OCD for so long (like many of us) especially alone.  One of the blessings of the modern computer age is places like this where we can meet others like us from around the world.  Thanks for sharing your story and glad for you to join us.

Welcome Gordy!  How are things in Glasgow?  I've got a friend I met here in Japan who is from Glasgow and moved back there a few years ago, maybe you know him

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