gingerbreadgirl

hope you are doing ok x

Thanks Gemma.  I think it is the best way of keeping my mind off it for now and not undoing the other good stuff I've been doing CBT-wise.  I am just generalled pee'd off about the whole thing but the whole thing will no doubt pass in time.

so my plan is this: to not bring it up unless she does, and treat everything as if it's normal until then.  if she brings it up (which she will!) I'll say something like "I didn't like the way you spoke to me, but I'm sorry I upset you. Shall we leave it behind us?" and then try and withdraw from the situation.  No ruminating in the meantime.  feel a bit better to have a plan.

Thanks Gemma.  And sorry  - I feel like I should be paying you by the hour lol! Maybe I can go for the record of longest status comment thread ever?! As always you speak a great deal of sense.  The watching my behaviour is a huge thing I do round my mum.  I don't think I did it as a child but definitely have done for the last 12+ years, basically since being an adult or more specifically since coming out as gay when she really rejected me, and she also seemed to not like my choice of partner (although she does now) and I think I felt like I failed her in some way by not being who she wanted me to be.  Anyway obv there is loads of stuff I could dig at here and I could be here forever!! Thank you again  

Thanks Gemma  I don't apologise very often though - because I rarely argue with her. I think my mum would argue what I always think I'm right! I think generally I just don't argue with her.  This is actually kind of new ground.  My cowardly impulse is to just avoid her.  I'm feeling unkind things about her right now and don't want to risk saying any of them.  

Hi Gemma.  I want to be honest and I don't want to apologise.  I am concerned though because the way I feel is very fragile right now with this recent relapse bla bla.  I am just starting to feel better but a conversation about this with my mum I know has the potential to absolutely batter my self worth.  Which I know is kind of pathetic for a 30-plus woman but there we go!

Thanks Avo.  I don't think she would understand about OCD, I think it's outside her ability to understand.  My mum is a very very kind person but also totally inflexible in her thinking which can cause problems unless people conform to her viewpoint (which mostly we do, the only one who ever really argues with her is my brother and he always ends up apologising).  She has an incredibly ability to make you doubt yourself until you just cave. I think this is also part of the issue I now face with my OCD.  I am not blaming my mum, it's just one of those things.  Like I say, she is very kind, possibly the kindest person I know, but only in ways that make sense to her (if you get me.) 

I think I could apologise for snapping at her.  But honestly I think my mum should be apologising.  But she will never apologise, I know that for sure.  I don't think I have ever heard her admit fault in anything in my life.  I think it is an insecurity of hers - to admit fault makes her feel unsafe in some way I guess.  

*sigh* so my mum messaged me today making it very clear indeed she is still bearing a huge grudge over this, and will continue to do so up until the point I unreservedly apologise (and perhaps even then).  My mum doesn't know about my OCD obviously but her attitude it making this process of CBT much harder than it needs to be as it is massively ramping up my anxiety.  The irony is our argument was about her thinking I wasn't staying long enough (when visiting) - and her being like this is making me not want to visit at all so is quite counterproductive.  Families can be tiring!

glad to hear it

glad to hear it! hope it's none of this healthy rubbish?

I see what you're saying, thanks Gemma x

Thank you again hope you're doing OK? x

It is definitely rumbling on - the only way it wouldn't be would be if my mum had a total personality transplant! That definitely isn't an OCD assumption.  It is just 32 years of experience (My OH thinks the same!) But I do definitely take your point about trying another way of putting it to bed.  In the past this probably wouldn't have happened because we would never have had the argument, I would have just immediately backed down - the only reason I didn't was because of the CBT etc I've been doing (irony!) I am going to try leaving this as "agree to disagree" and deal with it if and when my mum brings it up.  It is acually bringing all kinds of things out of the woodwork for me to work on, so trying to treat it as a good CBT opportunity!

I am really battling with rumination with this.  My temptation is to try and put this right.  But the only thing I can say which will put it to bed is that I am unequivocally sorry, which I really don't want to say because I think it's important I stand up for myself with this.   If it was an argument with anyone else, like my partner, we could easily resolve it by saying we were both wrong in some ways and forget it.  But my mum literally cannot admit to being wrong, even slightly, it's not in her vocabulary.  (That's not really a criticism, just a thing she has, which we all do).  So either I say I am completely wrong, or this rumbles on for a long time (which it will, that isn't an OCD prediction but a fact).  So... I guess this is a good chance to practise letting something feel "wrong" while getting on with my life anyway and dealing with it as and when it comes up...

 - thank you guys, you're all so supportive, would be lost without you! x

   you have access to a lot of really cool-looking transport - I want to have a go in your fighter jet!

Thanks Roy, Lost and Gemma. I can see what you're saying is right.  I think honestly I was probably doing a bit of reassurance-seeking    *slapped wrist for me* 

oh and Gemma - here is the stick please take the stick away!!