Runningaway

You are right. I am sure being in isolation is heightening it. I'd usually ask for reassurance (from the ex) but he cheated on me and blocked me on every platform. I know he would say dont be stupid though.

Currently my OCD is trying to make me think I watched illegal pornography, it has made up an date this happened with my ex. It is all made up. I know the difference between reality and fantasy and I know if I had done that I would have known at the time not over a year later. I couldn't even tell you what happened in the porn as it isn't a real thing that happened, yet my brain is really wanting me to believe this. I went for 10 years believing I may have murdered someone, almost handed myself into the police. Really want to as my ex but I know what he would say and I need to fight this urge for reassurance. Despite writing this I still have the urge to look at pictures of being being happy after the so called event and say to myself 'see you would have known about it then, it wouldn't take almost 2 years until I realised I had done this' Be nice to have some imput from others with Christmas coming up. My last therapy session before Jan was last week.

Wow I totally understand where you are coming from with this, currently my OCD is trying to make me think I watched illegal pornography, it has even made up an date this happened with my ex. It is ll made up. I know the difference between reality and fantasy and I know if I had done that I would have known at the time not over a year later. I couldnt even tell you what happened in the porn as it isnt a real thing that happened, yet my brain is really wanting me to believe this. I went for 10 years beleiving I may have murdered someone, almost handed myself into the police. Really want to as my ex but I know what he would say and I need to fight this urge for reassurance.

Thought I would pop back on see if anyone wanted to be a support buddy over Christmas, I know I could do with one. My OCD is taking the pee atm.

Thought I would pop back on as no therapy during Christmas and Covid. The latest is what if I watched illegal pornography in 2017 my mind has even tried to make a false memory for this. I am exhausted!

Thank you. x

I'm going to hospital

He was the better person always trying with me and I just pushed him away

Thanks for replying it gives me some comfort. At the moment I feel out of control. Why was I so wound up by him that night, why wouldn't he accept us being friends, how could he say he loved me then leave me with this massive burden

I've spoken to the Samaritans but I just feel so bad. I feel bad about my thoughts and feelings as it is and always feel not good enough, but now I've really taken someone away when I just was angry with him at the time and wanted to be friends. I just want to end it. I can't eat or sleep

I can't cope with this grief and guilt

I'm looking into private treatment. I spoke to my nurse today she has given me something for sleep as I've not eaten or slept. X

Oh C please stay safe please please. I'm so sorry for you. I wish I'd noticed his struggles. The guilt won't leave. I'm certain it will remain forever. Please stay safe. If you need to talk please message x

Thank you for the responses, I haven't slept or eaten I can barely function. He lived very far from me and I knew he was struggling with lockdown but I was to busy with my own issues to be fully interested in his. After a petty argument over whats app, which I started as I am a spoilt brat at times and like to push people away, he asked me if I was ending it and I said 'I will support you as a friend but I can't cope with feeling inferior to you and I can't be your support network. I am going to bed now I have had a long day sleep well.' His last words to me were throughout this ****** pandemic I have treated you like a princess but you have just made me feel like ****' and that is it, with those words he has left me. I am horrible and that's why I wanted to be friends as I knew he could gain more support elsewhere. Next thing I see on social media he passed. His family clearly know we split (he must of messaged them or something as the time window is very small) I am sure they blame me and probably rightly so. His friends who thought we were still together keep messaging saying they are thinking of me. I am sure they would change their tune if they knew. His cousin reached out to me concerned I wouldn't have support. I want to pay my respects but I am not sure that would be appropriate. Especially if they read all our messages on his phone, I sound like a brat and he was being really nice. I tried to ring in the morning when I saw I had missed calls and tried to message him on every platform, I genuinely thought he was driving to see his mum or something. He must have been so very alone, in such a dark place. I am not sure how but I have visions of him hanging. I am so sad.

Thanks for the reply. The OCD makes me an awful person. My partner just committed suicide as I ended things, I didn't think it was fair to be with him when this OCD is all I think about and all I am bothered about. He tried so hard. Now because I didn't answer his call as I went to bed he is gone forever, and gone forever hating me