Anon23

Thank you for taking the time to respond to me. I’ve just started therapy with someone who specializes in OCD, but it’s hard to talk about certain things that are bothering me at the moment, but I’m working my way to feeling more comfortable. What you said was very helpful and thank you for being so kind. I hope you have a really good day!

I’m gay and my friend is straight. When we were both younger, my friend would sometimes expose himself as a joke to people. After one sleep over with a bunch of people where he exposed himself to everyone, I asked him if he could expose himself again to me. Then we would both eventually expose ourselves to each other whenever we got together. Nothing really went beyond that, but I did usually initiate him exposing himself to me by asking him to. At times I would ask him only once, but there were also times where I would ask him multiple times. But I never forced him, tricked him, threatened him, or anything when I asked him to do so. He never seemed to mind, though there were times when he didn’t want to and just got annoyed at me; with it stopping there. There was one instance though when I kept asking him to hump me on top of my sleeping bag one night, and he kept saying “no,” and was getting annoyed, but eventually did it really quickly in annoyance. I don’t remember how many times I asked him, but thinking about it now I feel so much regret over asking him to do this and feel as though I forced him into doing something he didn’t want to do. Now fast forward to when we’re both adults, and he suggested at one point to give him a hand job which then evolved into him asking me to give him a blow job. After that experience I would ask him if I could do it again. I would occasionally say to him that he doesn’t have to if he doesn’t want to, with him being straight, and if he was okay with me asking for extra things, like him talking. He said he liked it and would try to do some talking. He even shaved for me at one point. Now my worry is whether or not I coerced him into letting me give him oral sex one night when he initially said “no, another day” because he was tired. I kept asking him and said things to the effect of, “it’ll be real quick” and “why would you not want to do something enjoyable like that.” But he kept saying he was tired and that he wasn’t going to change his mind. Eventually he said yes, but before that he told me that he didn’t like the talking because he thought it was was weird, which I said he didn’t have to do, and that he felt guilty afterwards sometimes, which I said everyone does but you get used to it the more you do it; which I likened to feeling shame after masturbating. He liked it and then afterwards we just talked about random things for a while and then both went home. I still would engage in oral sex with him after that night, but I feel like I’ve done something immoral in that I coerced him into doing something that night. He never said he didn’t like it whenever I asked him. I would even tell him outright at times that you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to, I just like doing it, and he said he was fine with it. I don’t know whether or not I’m blowing this out of proportion, but I’m just worried that I forced him into doing something and that I had engaged in sexual coercion by nagging him into doing things. Am I a horrible person for nagging him into humping my sleeping bag when we were younger and then as adults nagging him again into letting me give him oral sex? I’m trying to let this go, but I can’t stop thinking about it.

Thanks for the response Discuccsant! It was very helpful. And also thanks for your response as well, Caramoole! I know it’s reassurance, but I think I needed that to tide me over for when I go to get OCD treatment at a residential place soon. I’ll definitely keep what you said in mind though for myself, going forward, but for right now I needed to have my thoughts in order to make getting there easier.

When I was hospitalized for my OCD sometime in 2017, I was socializing with many of the other patients there. One of the patients said something that was very disturbing, and I feel horrible that I didn’t tell any of the staff about it. This person was in their 40s, had a very tough life, and ended up in a situation where he is left to care for his two parents alone. He was very stressed out about that and everything else in his life. He was very nice, but there was this one conversation I had with him that was very disturbing to me. It was too long ago for me to remember it completely, but he said that he was going to burn down his parent’s house and that he didn’t care if they died. All said seemingly stressed out with a very scary look in their eyes. I feel like there was more to the conversation after he said that, like me trying to console him and him crying, but I can’t remember. My memory is hazy about what exactly was said, so I’m not sure if he said he “didn’t care if they died,” or “kill them.” But, I’m also not sure if he said either of those things at all. But I know what he said was to the effect of having that same sentiment. There were points during my stay when I gave advice that he should send them to a nursing home, since it seems to be stressing him out. But he tearfully told me he couldn’t do that to his parents, as he didn’t want them to “rot away.” He was discharged with a plan of staying with someone else, medicated, and I’m assuming having a caretaker look after his parents (I forgot). So, what’s bothering me is that I didn’t tell any of the nurses or staff about what he said about wanting to burn down his home and his parents. I don’t know why I didn’t say anything, but it’s really bothering me that I wouldn’t tell anyone there when he said something so dangerous. I don’t know if it’s because he said it in anger and/or the conversation after he said that reassured me that things were okay. But, I can’t remember anything to know for certain. I don’t even know if what he said was how I remember it, but I do know that it was bad enough for me to be disturbed by it. I just don’t know what to do, knowing that I did something so horrible in not telling anyone what he said. If anyone can give me any advice it would be really appreciated! Thanks.

Thank you @Terriblethoughts and @dksea for the responses. The advice you both gave me really helped out a lot. I wasn’t doing so good but now I’m feeling much better when compared to before. And I just want to say thank you Terriblethoughts for helping me when you yourself are struggling right now. Hope things get better for you soon. Thanks again and I wish you both the best. :)

*TRIGGER WARNING FOR SEX RELATED OCD* Before I was diagnosed with OCD I was misdiagnosed and put on high doses of medications that changed my behavior and negatively affected how I was mentally. During that period of time when I was on those medications I saw someone online who I was attracted to. When this happened I was 18 and this person was 19. I got the idea online to email this person using a fake email address to ask them to send explicit photos and videos of themselves for money. I worded the email by saying that I was from an up and coming porn studio that specializes in gay and straight amateur content. I then listed certain options that they could choose from and a price that I would pay them for each option. The options were explicit pictures, an explicit video of them pleasuring themself, and an explicit video of themselves and someone else engaging in intercourse. I ended the e-mail by saying that they would need to give their photo ID to prove that they are 18 years old or older, and that when they choose one of the options I will send them half of the money for it first and then rest of the money after they send me whatever the option said. I sent them the email late at night. Sometime later, which I think might have been the following day, I felt overwhelmed with guilt on what I had just sent and went back into that email address to delete the account, the sent message, or possibly both. I don’t fully remember on whether or not I deleted the email address itself or just the already sent message, but I know I never checked that email address again after that and I haven’t done something like this ever since. When I did go back into that email address then I remember that there was no response. But that might’ve been because they didn’t see it yet and responded to it later on without me ever knowing. I’ve been thinking about this for many years and just feel so horrible and disgusting. I worry that I might’ve had a negative impact on them in some sort of way. They could have responded to the email and after not getting a response replied anyway by sending something explicit out of desperation for money. They could be living in constant fear that they have something explicit out there that could somehow reveal itself online. I could have also exposed them to explicit wording that they previously had no knowledge of that might’ve really affected them. I also can’t check if there was even a response at all because I don’t remember the email address, which also might have been deleted. I was really mentally messed up on medications at the time, which adds a whole other problem on whether or not I would have done something like this if I wasn’t on those medications. I feel awful over the fact that I might be a bad person and am just putting blame on the medications for my own actions, but at the same time I know that I really was messed up on medications during that time (which many Doctors and my own family acknowledge), but there is still that constant skepticism. But whether or not I was fully mentally there when I sent that email doesn’t matter because the email was still sent by me. I feel like such a bad, creepy person and feel like my actions are irredeemable. This is something that could have really affected someone and is also something that I’ve done that will live with me forever. I can’t take back what I’ve done and I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m a sexual predator along the lines of other horrible people that do this sort of thing. I worded that email in a way to give it creditably by saying things like “paying half now and the other half later” and needing to see their photo ID. That’s really horrible. Would I have followed through with it if I did see them respond? I didn’t have a job or any money, but would I have somehow figured out a way to pay them? I think I wrote it without putting much thought into what would happen if they did respond. I might’ve added the money part maybe to just give it credibility even though I had no possible way to follow though with it, but I worry that I might be misremembering things. Only bad people would think of doing something like this and write out such a message. I’m overwhelmed with guilt and I don’t know what to do. I’m wondering if anyone has any advice that can help me? Thanks.

Thanks everyone for all of your responses. It really helped out a lot.

Thanks dksea for taking the time to respond to me. What you said was very helpful. But I also feel that it’s gross of me to have checked online to see if they’re okay specifically so that I could watch videos that feature them. I just feel that way of thinking is gross and was a morally wrong thing for me to have done.

*Trigger warning for sex related OCD* When I want to watch a pornographic video I check online to see if the performers in the video are okay (alive, not hurt, etc.) because I don’t want to watch it if they aren’t. I feel gross and horrible over the fact that I’m checking online to see if they’re okay so that I can watch them in an pornographic video. Which makes me feel that my motivation for checking on their well being is possibly sick and twisted. Especially if it’s checking for a performer who I am really attracted to. I also feel gross for having the visuals in my head of videos that I’ve seen in the past that I now know have performers who are deceased. What makes things worse is when I remember videos of performers that, at the time, I was really attracted to but now know that they are deceased. I don’t want to watch any videos featuring people that I know are deceased whatsoever. Seeing even just images of someone will make me feel uncomfortable and sad. But in a certain instance I remembered a video of someone that I was attracted to and searched online to see if they were okay before watching it again. During my search I saw explicit Gifs and images of them furthering this attraction, but then found out that they might have passed away. There were conflicting reports on their actual well being, so I kept searching to make sure that they were alive and well. But I worry that I was only wanting them to be okay for possible gross selfish reasons. And to have also seen these explicit images of someone I’m attracted to when they are possibly deceased just made me feel even worse. I just feel like such an awful, disgusting person and I don’t know what to do. I worry my way of thinking is twisted and sick and that I’ve done something really wrong. Does anyone have any advice? Thanks.

Yeah, I think you’re right. Thanks for taking the time to respond.

I’ve recently just randomly remembered something I did in the past to one of my friends and have been feeling real horrible about it. Sometime in the late 2000s when I was in HighSchool there was a lot of word of mouth about these “shock sites.” I remained ignorant of what they were besides knowing that they were all gross websites. Well around this time in HighSchool I was on a lot of medications that made me act contrary to who I was as a person. Such as, being more impulsive, not as caring, being cognitively out of it, amongst other things. But because of being on those medications I did a lot of things that I feel I wouldn’t have done in a million years. One of those things being a time when me and two other friends were talking about how there were these apparent gross websites and fooling around with each other on how you should check them; in a sarcastic type of way. Well I texted one of those two friends, who is 3 years younger than me, to check out one of those particular “shock sites” in a joking type of way, but I think at one point I said not to in that same text exchange. I had no idea what the website was at the time still. Many years later in 2011 or so, these “shock sites” were brought up again in a conversation somehow and he said I told him to check out a particular one. I replied that I didn’t, because at the time I didn’t remember that I did. But following that exchange the rest is too hazy for me to remember anymore accurately. I think he either described what the website was and we had a laugh or he jokingly said it traumatized him. For the latter scenario, I don’t know if I am misremembering him saying that and just thinking that he said that because of me being worried of it actually traumatizing him. I also am worried that he may have said something else that would make it more apparent as to how it affected him that I’m unable to remember. I feel so disgusting for doing that to him and feel horrible. I’m so worried that my actions significantly impacted him in some way, especially since he is 3 years younger than me. In the present, he seems perfectly fine and is doing really well. He graduated College and is a good friend to me. But I still worry that I negatively impacted him in some significant way. And besides that I just feel awful that I did what I did at all. Like, I feel sick to my stomach to expose someone else to something possibly horrific. Below is description as to what the site contained. Please do not read if you have any triggers related to sex. (Triggers for sex related OCD!) Yesterday I Googled what that particular website entailed and read what it was. It said it was 3 elderly men on a bed kissing and doing other ‘mouth things.’ There was apparently a funny song playing on the website and it may have been a moving image and not an actual video. (Triggers for sex related OCD above!) Is what I exposed him to really bad? Reading up on it briefly online others have said that it is relatively tame compared to other things, but that doesn’t really make me feel better about it. I just feel really horrible and don’t know what to do. I know he isn’t easily fazed by things considered gross in comparison to me, but I still worry that what I did greatly affected him. And I’m also worried about not being able to remember what was said when it was brought up again years later.

Does anyone have either of these problems or a similar situation as well and is it even related to OCD?

When you make an input on your controller (like the A button) but it takes a little while than usual for the command to register into the game.

You welcome! Glad I could be helpful to you in some way. But I'm still wondering if this is associated to OCD and if there is a way to beat this? There is also another problem that I have when playing video games on my new HD TV that I'm experiencing input lag in my movements. This actually was the case when originally playing games on my TV but I have since fixed that, though the feeling that there is input lag causes me to not enjoy the game and constantly think about it. So is there anyone that could help me out? :/

I've started taking Lexipro and Risperdal (left out Risperdal in my first post) recently and have been on a variety of other medications in the past, to little avail, so I'm hoping this time things will change. I really haven't told anyone about this particular problem as it's kind of embarrassing for me, with it involving family members, etc. So I'm hoping that when I take my medicine it'll be allievated as time goes on, though past experiences haven't left me very hopeful. I also suffer from anxiety so getting out of the house to talk to a therapist is a pretty hard thing to do, though the medcine is also supposed to help anxiety. This is actually my first time going onto forums to ask for help too.